I want to die

[tiii]

I'm finally biting the bullet and going to the doctor. I feel out of control, I can't stop thinking about dying and I can't say that I won't do something. I have a two week old baby that I feel nothing for. I'm going to make an urgent appointment today. I'm really embarrassed to tell them that I'm suicidal. I'm so scared. I feel like I'm drowning. Everyone keeps saying to go to my GP.

What will my GP actually do?

Do not be scared. And don’t be embarrassed. You are doing exactly the right thing. You may be offered antidepressants or CBT. There are lots of treatments available. Things can get better OP. Do you have family or friends who can offer RL support too? Good luck and

Prescribe you some medication and get your some help and support hopefully. You must tell them how you feel and how you feel towards the baby.

I had terrible PND after the birth of my second child and the doctor and support services were absolutely fantastic. I too felt like you. I remember sitting in the chair with baby in arms and my two year old running around and thinking not 'if' I was going to kill myself, but 'how' and examining all the various options.

As soon as I saw the GP the system sprung into action and the support I got was fantastic. It took me nearly two years to get properly well again, but the improvements began within days of seeing GP - opening up to someone, admitting to myself how ill I was. I also got in touch with www.pandasfoundation.org.uk who were also fantastic.

Do not be embarrassed. This is far more common than you think. You are ill and it is not your fault you are ill. Mental health, depression, anxiety and so on are as real and debilitating as any physical illness and indeed can bring with them terrifying physical symptoms of their own.

Please tell your GP everything - suicidal thoughts - everything.

Well done you are VERY brave and an excellent mum to make sure you are getting help.

It may help to write down what you want to say - then if it's too much to say, all you have to do is walk in, sit down and hand over a piece of paper.

Good luck this is a huge step well done.

Jitters22

Jitters22 did you get help immediately? I feel desperate, I'm scared of what I'm going to do

What if I call 111?

You're doing the right thing, good luck. Please please don't minimise anything - you need to tell them the truth to get the help you need. Thinking of you

Do you feel you can keep yourself safe for now? If not, please do go to A&E. Hopefully you will be able to get an urgent appointment with your GP soon today, but worth knowing there are other options.

Do you have any family/friends who can look after your baby if you did need to go to A&E?

Sorry for lots of questions. Lots of us have been where you are and come back from it. You’re not alone

@tiii call your health visitor right now if you can't get an urgent GP appointment. Like Jitters says, this is the low point right now and it will get better. If you really really feel awful then call 999. xx

Once I saw the doctor, everything changed. The help kicked in immediately.

I was really ill, agoraphobic, something wrong with my balance and vision - the whole world seemed like it had tilted - floors, walls etc. I also had the most terrible back pain. I remember sitting in the chair breastfeeding baby about 6am one morning and there was an unopened bottle of vodka in the cupboard - it was a gift and none of us liked I and it had been there for years.

I kept looking at that bottle and imagining the hot liquid going down into my stomach and quelling the churning guts, and all the other horrible feelings I was getting - I was so tempted to drink it. I knew then that if I was contemplating swigging neat vodka at 6am with two little babies in the house - I was in big, big trouble.

So I phoned a friend and pretended I had a stomach upset and would she drive me to the doctor's. I held it together until we got there, and then she sat in the car with the kids and I went in hysterical - crying and wailing to the receptionists, who got me straight into see the GP who said immediately 'you are suffering from post-natal depression'. I looked at him like he was nuts. I'm not 'depressed' I was frantic, agitated, anxious, gibbering, dizzy spells, disorientated, world all skewed, panicky, horrible back ache (convinced I had cancer of the spine) etc. etc. but not depressed in the sense I thought he meant. He also told me the back ache and all the other physical symptoms were being caused by mental health, and as I got better, they would get better. I honestly thought he was the crazy one, not me.

He prescribed an old style anti-depressant called Prothiaden (I couldn't take the new ones because of breast feeding), and then the mental health services kicked in. I got a visit every day, incredible support from them and my GP. Within days of taking the ADs, the back ache just went. I was astounded. It was then I realised what a powerful influence mental health has on the body. My mental health was causing excruciating backache (probably due to how tense I was, and how I was holding myself) and that for me was a real eye opener.

I was better within weeks, but not completely back to my old self for the best part of a couple of years, but I did get there.

Just get help. That's the first step. Don't be afraid, ashamed or embarrassed, start with your GP and go from there. You can and will get better but taking that first step is so important.

If you call 111 and tell them what you have told us, they will contact your GP anyway and then you will get a call requesting you go in.

Don't hold me to the accuracy of this but my midwife told me the more acute you PND/A (quickly after birth and immediately debilitating) the quicker it lifts once you start treatment. There is help.

If you can’t get an emergency appointment with the drs call your hv. If you feel like you can’t keep yourself safe until you can get an appointment please go to a&e, it’s where I was told to go should my suicidal thoughts have become worse.

Your gp will prescribe antidepressants and arrange counselling, and the hv will be able to come and see you regularly every week to help. Please don’t be embarrassed, (you’ve nothing to be embarrasssed about!) they’ll have heard and seen it all before, and really do just want to help you.

I know it’s scary seeking help (I’ve had problems since my DTs were born, but have only just sought help 8 months later) but you’re doing exactly the right thing, you’re an excellent mum and today is the beginning of everything getting better.

Friend of mine went to A&E when she felt like you describe. It got her fast-tracked into some very good services, which she very much needed and helped her right back onto her feet. I would hope the same would happen where you are. (she was in SE England)

Hi tiii,

We can see that you're getting some really good advice and support from other Mumsnetters, but we wanted to add a link to our Mental Health resources. There are lots of organisations listed on it which offer post-natal support, so please do take a look.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

We really hope that your GP is able to give you the real life support you need too.

Sending good wishes.

Hi OP. I hope you managed to get an appointment. When I was like this I just turned up at my gp surgery with baby in arms and told the receptionist I needed help immediately. I was sat with an amazing doctor 5 mins later. I'm two years on from that now and it feels like a distant memory. You will get through this. You will love your baby more each day once you begin your recovery. Wishing you the best x