What to tell rude and judgemental therapist

[lifeschool]

I felt judged in my first session. I feel my therapist lacked empathy. He didn’t mention duration of session (neither on his profile or verbally). I was planning to ask but we started talking about my background right away and I forgot to ask. He didn’t say anything about overall plan.

Initially I didn’t know what to speak as I have problems in all important areas in my life.
He asked me about my background. Then made a comment on my accent. I am from India and speak another European language. He said - would be interesting to hear Indian accent in that language. I didn't know how to start talking about my problems.

He asked me about my family, about my parents who are separated. I had a very troubled childhood, so I narrated some incidents. Also I talked about family dynamics as I was raised mostly by gp who were v controlling. (at this time I got a bit carried away with talking).

He let me speak till 45 mins mark and then said we don’t have time for more examples. Clock was behind me, only he could see it.

Asked me if I never spoke about my past before since I talked a lot about it. He concluded that we will have to work to reduce my emotional reactions (which I agree with) but didn't say how or ask me about my objective from therapy.

I would've liked therapist to interrupt me gently midway if he thought I was talking too much. I feel I wasted my time and money, and got nothing out of it other than feeling judged.

I am really struggling at the moment and would've liked my therapist to show some kindness and direction.

Am I being too sensitive about his comments?

Should I tell him I don’t want to continue because I felt judged? Or should I see him for another session?

I know I risk being seen as ageist but my therapist is over 60. I talked to 2 other older therapists and they were also a bit insensitive. Should I go with someone younger? Sorry I am very confused.

Thanks for reading.

A therapist doesn't 'give back' an emotional response to your talking about painful issues in the way that a friend will do. They are listening and noting what things you say are causing you the most pain. A good therapist will be able to work out what is the best approach for you after listening to your uncensored talking. This might take a few sessions, though. At your next session you should ask at the beginning what plans he has for your therapy.

You might find that just having a space where you can say out loud all the shitty things that life has thrown at you will help you. (I would recommend that you ask if he does EMDR. It is really fab at quieting those horrible memories that torment you.)

Thank you for reply lizzzyy. He doesn't do EMDR.

I felt judged for comment on Indian accent, also being told don't have time for 'more examples'. Also, I was not happy that therapist had clock in front of him but I couldn't see it.

I had tried EFT (tapping) and it didn't help me.

Personally I wouldn't have liked the session you describe- I like clarity, information and to have thing like confidentiality, supervision arrangements, therapist approach , etc spelled out to me.
I think it's usual to not see a clock - you can set your phone - but if they are doing the timing they can keep the season on track and it's hardly your fault if time goes over!
Maybe try another therapist ?
The most clear , professional therapist I have had is a clinical psychologist

Thanks nomoreusernamesfree
I wanted some clarity and information on his approach too.
Problem is now I am left with confusion and a bit of lack of trust in him which is not a great way to start therapy.
I know therapists are humans too and can make mistake, so wondering if I am nit-picking.
Yes, a clinical psychologist will be ideal. I think I need to do CBT to be a bit functional before I move to deeper work.

I think the best 'test' of a therapist is how they respond to clients' challenges. So if you think there's enough of a connection, how about going back for another session and telling him how you feel? Tell him you'd like to see a clock, tell him you feel confused about his approach, tell him you'd prefer to be gently interruped, and definitely tell him you felt judged when he commented on your accent. How he responds will tell you lots about him. If he's defensive or tries to blame you in any way, then I'd run for the hills. But if he really listens to you and takes your feelings seriously, then that could be the start of something healing.

Good luck!

If you don't "click" then find a different therapist. It's really important to feel you can have a good relationship with them and trust their judgement.

Thanks Dido and Polkasq.
I am very depressed and anxious. I have started to doubt my own judgement. I spent a lot of time shortlisting, messaging and calling therapists. Some were not available, some forgot to email even after saying so, some have profiles talking how their approach is so unique.
I am paying for therapy through husband's company insurance and only have limited number of sessions.
I have started to lose confidence in therapy. I tried 2 in the past. One just chit chatted away in our sessions about his philosophy on life, another was very directional to the point of making my hourly daily routine for me.
This time I wanted someone balanced - with some direction and listening skills.
Does therapy really work? I felt this therapist had no interest in what client needed to know - information about sessions, approach, confidentiality, etc. He just kept his eye on clock, kept me going on a very emotional topic for me and finally told me we don't have more time until next session.

The one you're describing seems almost to have a psychoanalytic approach, just letting you talk for most of the session and then a blunt "Time's up."

Your experiences of therapy so far sound offputting and disheartening. I hope you find someone very soon that feels like a good fit for you. I've found the search for the 'right one' frustrating in the past, but was always rewarded in the end. Wishing you all the best. One more try and you could be there. Hope so

Your judgement sounds fine- it's what you feel you need and that's ok. In the first assessment session my therapist heard a bit about what was going on for me, also explained her starter form and her payment method, etc. Whenever I have had a query I have asked- fir eg about supervision - she told me straight away. Once I felt she patronised me and she replied to me straight away and in the following session apologised very sincerely and tried to explain her approach.
My previous therapist I always felt was kind but a bit flakey - and to be fair that is how she is.
Trust your judgement

Why not just ask the things you want to know at the start?

Perhaps you started talking and he thought, ok, lifeschool really needs to get some stuff off her chest. Perhaps he felt there would be more value for you in being able to get a bit of stuff out and felt it would be insensitive to interrupt with info about practical considerations? I think you could frame this differently as him trying to let you take the lead to an extent and maybe attempt to make you feel more comfortable. If you were talking about some deep, dark things it could have been a kindness... he didn't want to ignore that and start talking about the more practical stuff.

The beginning of a therapeutic relationship can be hard and you sound like you feel a bit embarrassed that maybe you talked to much. When I had therapy I used to come out and cringe over some things I'd said, not just personal things but just in general. But I realised I do that over pretty much every conversation I have (less since therapy!!)... It's the stakes felt high with my therapist so I did it even more. It's so strange I really wanted him to like me and basically make me feel like I wasn't making a big deal out of my childhood and that it was legitimate to say it was bad - and it came out as anxiety over a lot of what I said. I'm rambling a bit but I'm hoping it may make sense to you.

His comment about accents etc sound like he was trying to make small talk really rather than be judgemental. Noticing an accent isn't the same as judging it and based on what you've said (so I could obviously be wrong) I think you have kind if projected the sense of judgement onto him... perhaps you've been judged or belittled for it in the past?

I just wonder if you are feeling understandably extra sensitive as therapy can be such a scary thing. And you are looking back on it with a critical eye. I don't think it's possible to talk too much in your own therapy. I doubt he meant anything by the "more examples" comment than literally you were out of time. I had some sessions all me and some sessions a lot more back and forth.

Sometimes the end of the session can come round real fast and I really recognise that feeling of having talked the whole time and then the sense of having talked too much. But remember that's the entire point of session... It's not like a normal conversation where you can dominate it by mistake. It's there for you.

I think my therapist would give me a warning like "it's nearly time" five or ten minutes before the end, perhaps that would be useful for you?

I'd go back and ask the questions you need to and see how you feel after another session. And remember a good therapist will imo challenge you and your beliefs/thoughts at times. That's where the growth is.

My personal experience is I would feel better for a day after then the self doubt would creep in and by the next session I'd be dreading it.... But slowly I felt better longer and look back on it so positively now. It really changed my life. But it wasn't easy and I didn't always feel comfortable. If after another session or two you aren't clicking then look elsewhere,but I don't think the first session can give you enough of a taste.

Don't go back to someone you don't feel comfortable with. You're paying them and if you come out feel offended, confused or frustrated then that's not a help at all. Yes therapy can evoke emotions but these shouldn't be the type it does.

Your choices to me seem to be

1. Go back, before the session starts express you have concerns and ask him to explain how the sessions will run and what to expect.
2. Not go back and find another

It really depends on your gut instincts of to whether you think he's going to help you in the long term or not.
Trust yourself x

Wexta I don't understand why you are defending my therapist with perhaps statements. You have made a lot of assumptions in your post and dismissed my capability to judge.

I did not start talking on my own. Within minutes of me sitting, he asked me about my background and then asked me about my father, mother, where I grew up. I grew up with v controlling and critical gp, I mentioned that so he could understand my unique family dynamics. I agree I should've been more mindful of time.

You say he might've thought not to interrupt while I was talking about deep, dark things.
He interrupted at 45 mins mark to tell me 'we don't have time for more examples' and asked me if I never talked about this before. Then went on saying that explains why I talked so much about past.

I agree I am sensitive but someone going for therapy to build self-esteem is not going to be very secure about themselves. Why would a therapist make comment about their accent, especially when that particular accent is joked about?

Ideally therapist should've mentioned on their profile or informed face to face about session time without a client having to ask.
I was allowed only 10 sessions by insurance and 1 is already wasted.
I would've given him a chance if I didn't need help desperately and had unlimited sessions.I have wasted money on therapy in the past, so I am cautious.

I am glad you have gained a lot from therapy.

Thanks nomoreusernamesarefree and sirmnione16
I emailed to tell him I felt confused after last session, but he was defensive in his response. So I have decided to not continue with him.

Thanks for your message and good wishes reenchantmentofeverydaylife

I wasn't trying to defend him so much as suggest an alternative way of seeing his behaviour, as I said I wasn't there so could be wrong. But I know if I am in a poor state of mind I tend to leap to the worst way of seeing things. Which is exactly what youve done in how you read my post. That's not meaning to question your judgement at all. It was just suggesting an alternative. We all see the world through our own personal lens after all and we can all misread situations, especially highly charged ones. I guess ultimatelt you'll know whether or not my suggestions are likely, sounds like they are not.

You have to take some responsibility - if you want to know how long a session is then it's not really rocket science to ask. It sounds like you've silently decided what the therapist needs to say then are almost testing them by not asking yourself. You won't get far playing games in that way though it is a sign you need the therapy.

Good luck.

Wexta please take a step back and think about what you are doing.

First you made a lot of assumptions and tried to make me see things from his perspective. Have you met my therapist to know for sure?

You wrote such a long post. I don't know what you were trying to achieve by making me see an alternative perspective. What if your assumptions are wrong? Should I go back to him for more sessions when I have limited number of sessions.

Now you are fighting with me -

it's not really rocket science to ask

It sounds like you've silently decided what the therapist needs to say then are almost testing them by not asking yourself. You won't get far playing games in that way though it is a sign you need the therapy.

I didn't get to ask about session time because right away he asked me about my background, where I grew up, etc. (maybe it was an icebreaker since I am not from UK). I told him about my family. I had a very difficult childhood, lived in a joint family in India, I was telling him relationship dynamics. Since it's very emotional subject for me, I got carried away. Did not realise I spoke about it for almost 40 mins.

So yeah, I made a mistake and I didn't ask. But for you to make very negative assumption that I was testing him says more about your negative thinking than my intentions.

I said in previous post that I am desperate for help and have only 9 sessions allowed. You are accusing that I was sitting (wasting a session away) trying to test him. That I am playing games.

I request you to not respond to a post in mental health section, where most people are in vulnerable state. Most of us who post here either have no-one else to seek advice from in real life. It doesn't help when people like you constantly accuse of things we are not doing.

You are not a mental health expert to tell me I am playing games and it's a sign I need therapy.

I know I need therapy but not for playing games like you mentioned.

Please worry about your therapy as your post shows you think extremely negatively. I know it's none of my business but I am a bit offended by you suggesting I am a game player.

If you have nothing constructive to say, please leave me alone. Thanks

tried to make me see things from his perspective - I struggle to see what's wrong with this.

Is trying to see a situation from another situation automatically bad? I thought it could be helpful to consider he might not have meant things in the negative way they came across. I truly didn't mean to cause you upset in doing that. Right now maybe you just feel you need confirmation from others which is fair enough I guess. I'm sorry I suggested you were playing games, that wasn't fair. I was badly trying to say that it's better to be upfront and name the issue. If you want to know something, ask.

I have said twice now that obviously I don't know and am offering an opinion based on your post. You asked in your post if you should see him again. You asked if you were being too sensitive. If you don't want answers to those questions perhaps don't post them on a forum.

Op, I understand you're upset and In a vulnerable state, but wexta did nothing to warrant your attack, nothing was wrong with her post, in fact it was positive. I genuinely am unsure why you lashed out at her, other than you're not in a great place right now.

Maybe take a step back as she was clearly trying to help.

Does therapy really work?

Sometimes yes, sometimes no. And that's leaving aside the whole question of what we might mean by 'work', which isn't straightforward.

The most important factor in whether a client seems the therapy successful at the end though - according to many, many studies - is the quality of the therapeutic relationship, i. e. whether the client trusts, likes, feels supported by the therapist. It's so important that the therapist is someone you can relate to - almost certainly you're doing the right thing by not going back to the first one. Y
Good luck.

OP, Wexta didnt do what youre accusing her of.

To me, the comment about OP's accent was patronising and insensitive, and why on earth would he say something like that?! Not a relationship building comment by any stretch of the imagination - totally inappropriate. And if a therapist isn't going to get the important preliminaries about contracting and session lengths, etc, stated at the beginning of the first session, in this day and age there's no excuse for not sending a written version to a prospective client before the first meeting. That could've made things a lot clearer and easier for OP. It helps to allow for the almost inevitable need for a client to start telling their story as soon as they sit down, particularly if the therapist is going to lead into that area from the start, which it sounds like he did. It's part of his responsibility in his role to be clear about contracting arrangements before the client begins to unburden herself, and he is the one who's qualified to understand that. If he neglects that important first step, he's not holding boundaries for the client suffficiently, and the only reason for that is being too timid to offer that containment first and foremost. It's unethical, and suggests that he can't teach his clients inportant assertiveness skills because he hasn't learned to apply them himself.

Wexta defended the therapist, despite OP's obvious anxiety and feelings of confusion and upset. Also accused her of playing games. Again, even if that were true (which it isn't), it's the therapist's job (ie. what he's being paid for) to work with that skillfully and safely for the client. Not blame the client for interpersonal problems that could well be part of what they need therapeutic help with in the first place. But again, all hypothetical, as OP wasn't playing games with a therapist who didn't offer sufficient containment.

Defending the therapist, and Wexta in turn, is to undermine OP's legitimate grievance, in my opinion. So she hasn't learned to play the game of therapy yet, the one that you're defending at her expense. Good for her.

In my search for a therapist (and I have found a brilliant one) they all offered a free 45 min meeting to test the waters before expecting a client to commit.
Were you not offered this?
I concentrated on those who offered Person Centred and Humanistic approaches.
They all gave a very clear idea of how long sessions are, and explained how they worked and what their approach was. They asked what I hoped to achieve with therapy. This was really useful to set out what to expect and also gave me the chance to see if I 'liked' them. I was non-plussed about a few and immediately knew that the one I settled on was the right therapist for me. Therapy is not comfortable, so being comfortable with your therapist is important.

Just trust your judgement OP.
Your therapist should not have been defensive - I know from my own experience that when I have expressed a criticism my therapist took it very seriously and took it on board and responded appropriately. It's part of therapy - to be able to do that and be met with a stable professional response. Even if our response is from a place of security . The whole point is it's a professional relationship . If you were unfair or rude then that may be related back also but all of these things are opportunities fir learning and growth.
I think wexta was trying to explain that sometimes therapy is incredibly uncomfortable as it's not an equal relationship and that sometimes our responses may be insecure and that can be a way of learning / healing - but I do feel that the session you describe was insensitive and Ibwould not have been impressed either. Find someone more sensitive.

That should read even if we act from a place of insecurity .

My therapist has always been very gentle and explained things and used what I have said to draw conclusions which she wrote / drew on a piece of paper and then sought my input. She didnt get me talking abour deep /distressing stuff until i was ready to divulge.
I think if you don't feel comfortable how can it help you?
I would keep looking for someone else if thats possible.

There's some misunderstanding on different therapeutic styles. If OP is looking for someone to hand hold and build confidence then psychodynamic therapy (which is what she describes) is not the right place for her at this time. It's also rarely appropriate as a short term therapy, it's generally 26 weeks or (much) longer.

OP was rude to Wexta. Such abrupt defensiveness is going to make any therapy very difficult.