Testing

[cantbearsedanymore]

Sorry I'm testing out new name. However I've been here over a decade but never had the nerve to ask for help because my life really is a car crash and it's all my own fault.
I've been weak with regards to an absolute totally physical and mentally abusive H My grown up DC are damaged because I was weak.

I used to have a career but now just "do" minimum wage jobs because my self esteem is so low I don't know how to get back to how I used to be.

I'm 52 and I spend most of my time wishing I was a lot older so I could naturally die soon

What do you think would help, chickpea?

Honestly? Death.

I've failed big time at everything but because I've failed I have to pretend I haven't

You're not a failure. You've had children and work and are doing the best you can.

Many people on here know the accumulative damage a destructive relationship can do.

But for tonight can you find something nice?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Thank you Lilymumsnet. I really wasn't asking anything of anyone. I suppose I just needed to say stuff that i had always kept private because I feel ashamed. Now I wish I'd not said anything 😞

OP - you sound like you are in a very dark place .

I have a close family member who suffered from depression at around your age.

It was like seeing a penny being swallowed by those fairground toys - where you pop them in the slot and they circle faster and faster to the hole.

To keep with analogy, the faster they spiralled to the dark hole, the less they could see/feel/appreciate the light, goodness, support and love they were moving away from.

Yet there really was all that there in their life. Their self perception had become incredibly distorted.

Please see some help OP. With support from their GP and other mental health specialists they are now in a very good place.

I'm not going to pretend recovery happened overnight, but it did come (with some back steps on the way, but overall steady forward progress) and as a close family member I'm so grateful that they did agree to seek help and to all the healthcare practitioners.

You've been a victim of abuse and "blame" for choices you made/didn't make isn't something easily assigned. You really need to talk this through with a professional - preferably someone with experience of domestic abuse.

Please see your GP and get the ball rolling to get some support.

If you feel unable to do that, think about calling Woman's Aid and talking through your issues.