Has anyone been suicidal, but is now happy? (potential trigger)

[oatlatte]

Basically just looking to see if there are some positive stories out there re: being at rock bottom mental health wise - feeling like ending it all/ maybe even making an attempt, but ultimately getting the support to rebuild your life? It would be interesting to hear what helped people, how you feel now?

Context: I made an attempt on my life around a year ago. Things got worse from there for a few months as I attended various appointments and ultimately left my job. But now, I feel much better, and am glad I didn’t succeed. Have had a strange mental health day today and had a fleeting thought of death, but as more of an abstract thing now iyswik. For me it’s just been time really - time, the right balance of medication, and a really patient and understanding therapist.

Anyone else?

Yes.
My son was placed for adoption, my mum died to cancer, I was made homeless and my divorce was granted all within a matter of months.

I tried to commit suicide just over a week after my final goodbye contact with my son. My mums funeral had already been less than a month prior. I was found by some church goers on a loved ones grave. I was lucky. I received amazing support from a homeless charity and my best friend who let me stay on her sofa until I was housed in a room in shared accommodation from there I accessed counselling and therapy. Dealt with many issues and then went into work. I have flourished since then. I am working full time in a job I love. Now in a flatshare with just one other and looking to leave London with my life partner with a view to starting away from negative memories and having a family.

It’s not always easy. There’s still dark times but there’s also a lot of light. What I am saying is that the pain may never really go but you learn to deal with it better

and strength for you x

I’m sorry, DDIJ

Do you have support? Here for you if you want to talk about it.

Yes 🙂 i've never been so relieved my last attempt failed. 18 months ago i tried, luckily i had two very good friends on hand to prop me up & also a very good MH GP.

Today I get to watch my DD thrive at school, i have a 12 week old DS, i am enjoying being mum for the first time in a long time. I feel content, happy. I am also strong enough to support my DP through his depressive cycle, which has hit him the hardest currently. People seem surprised that i can do this & still be smiling because of how low i have been.

Miracle, that sounds like such a tough time, I’m sorry you had to go through such heartbreak. It sounds like you’ve made an amazing turnaround though and I’m so pleased for you that you’re enjoying working and looking forward to future plans. My next step is to find work again.

You make a good point too - of course not everything is hunky dory, no matter how much work you put in. I think part of recovering is recognising that. I still have some really dark days but I think the big difference now is my perspective and the resilience, which means I can bounce back a lot quicker and don’t see things quite so black and white.

Yes more than once and over a prolonged length of time.

5 years on life is decent, I have joy in my life I am close to my DC again.

pissed congratulations on the new baby! That’s lovely, I’m so glad you’re enjoying this time with your kids and feeling strong . It sounds like you’re a brilliant support for your DP too, I’m sure he appreciates that greatly, especially knowing you’ve been in his shoes. Just make sure to look after yourself too!

That’s great Random, to be able to say that you have genuine joy in your life is such a big thing when you’ve been right at the bottom like that. I’m glad you have a good relationship with DC too.

Honestly posting in here is going to draw in masses of sob stories and drain you emotionally. It's started already.

You can recover but you need to find appropriate support - professional counselling, GP, and friends who look out for you. It won't happen overnight because you probably need to learn to identify the difference between friends who are toxic and those who are supportive, but you can do it in time.

Yep. Ok. Post to follow.

I think it definitely helps. It certainly helped me that a friend had her own experiences & so didn't look on me as pathetic. It is definitely harder for men tho. I am so proud of him tbh for reaching out & for being able to admit to me that actually today isn't a good day. He is modelling to my kids that 'real men' actually are human too.

I used to be so embarassed to discuss my MH issues but now i'm willing to talk if it means somebody else does too. I wouldn't wish those dark times on my worst enemy. I most definitely make sure to have me time, i'm no use to anybody if i'm spent out.

I hope anybody reading this thread who might be feeling low can take something from it...it does get better 🙂 never goes away completely, but it can fade.

Yes. I never thought I would be as happy as I am.

I’ve seen a therapist for eight years, sometimes twice weekly as well as a phone call, and that has made the most difference.

So my 20s were awful. Shocking. My emotionally abuser of a father was diagnosed with MS and I don’t know how to make sense of anything; my relationship, which was the only thing holding me together, ended. I attempted to slit my wrists, at 20, after an attempted overdose at 14. I was blue lighted and have stitches in my wrist to this day.

I am now 29. God life can be hard going at times! But I am so grateful I didn’t die that day.

I am happy. I am fulfilled. I have good friends. I’m.. im ok.

It does get better. I promise. Ok there are days when I want to cut myself to ribbons and just get far from away, but I manage it.

I’m not a great example but I’m happy and confident and in love and I promise you it does get better: stick it beautiful.

Yes. I was suicidally depressed, got better, depressed again over a decade later but no where near as bad.
I took on recovery as a project. It might not be for everyone. Steps were, take meds, do exercise (joined a team so I would actually go) attend appointments (sooo hard and I needed people to force / encourage me), quit drinking (I wasn't a heavy drinker but it doesn't help), do yoga / mindfulness /meditation, made sure I saw someone every day (work, or socially). Obviously I didn't do all those from day 1, I started with the meds. Underrated imho!

I'm so sorry for the experiences of everyone on this thread. This wasn't me, but a close friend so I won't say too much as it's not my story to tell, but she suffered badly with PND and tried to kill herself twice (I still feel sick thinking about that!). She took help and it's been a hard road but she is doing brilliantly and enjoying life again, in sole care of her little boy and working hard at a fulfilling job.

I know she'll always have these demons but she is strong enough to look them in the eye now and I am so thankful she was not successful when she was at her lowest. She is a truly beautiful person whom I love dearly, and the world would have been a dimmer place without her. I wish everyone here the very best of luck and I hope you find the support and strength you need.

No. I thought I was feeling a bit better, but another blow showed me that I am done. Just waiting for the last person who cares for me to stop so I can go without hurting anyone else. I wish they would hurry, every day is a day too long.

Some lovely positive stories though. for you all.

It feels strange to say it’s nice to hear these stories because of course they come from a place of a lot of pain, but it’s reassuring to know that so many of us have fought our way back from that horrible place. All of you are amazing. And anyone reading this that isn’t quite there yet, you’re amazing too. It’s hard to say to people that are right in the thick of suicidal feelings that it’ll get better even though it often does, cause it can just sound patronising sometimes and it doesn’t seem possible when you’re so down. But I think it would’ve been helpful for me to read some of these stories last year. I think we need to talk about suicide more, it’s like people want to support their mentally ill friends and family but are still scared when it goes “too far.”

I spent about three years going through weeks and months of extreme suicidal thinking, including an attempt, and am OK now. I'm not sure I would say I'm happy yet but I'm definitely on the way there. What helped? Loads of different things, in different amounts and at different times, but the thing I find maddening is that when I was desperately suicidal other people said all these things to me (time, exercise, see your friends, put things in your calendar that you look forward to, exercise, blah blah blah) and at the time I was in such a bleak place that those suggestions were somewhere between irritating and bizarre. And now that I am a bit further down the road I have nothing to offer to currently suicidal people except for those sorts of statements and I don't know how else to convey to someone else how much things can improve...

Yes. For 8 years I thought at least once a day that I wanted to die. It got to the point where I would be walking down the street home from college and fantasise about stepping out in front of a car. I'm only 22 now so suicidal thoughts, depression, severe anxiety and bulimia took over all of my teenage years. It was horrible. Hit a peak in first year of uni, I was 19 at the time, where, after drinking with a few friends in the kitchen (8 of us had a shared student flat) I said goodnight, went to my room, locked the door, found a razor, broke it in half and used the blade to cut myself about 20 times. I was drunk but do remember everything and it was awful, but I remember in that moment feeling very peaceful.

My flatmate found me, luckily, because she came to return my hair straighteners to me before going out. She was bashing on my door and I wouldn't answer so she used a coin to turn the lock on the other side. They were all so supportive and genuinely that was the turning point for me. I refused to go to hospital though despite my arms bleeding for 2 days and me fainting as the cuts were so deep, so they healed badly and are still quite noticeable 3 years later. I'd like a tattoo to cover them.

Went to some CBT therapy with a college counsellor and she helped a little. The main thing that helped was exercise, and the fact that now people knew I could talk about these dark thoughts I struggled with.

A year later I met my partner who I now live with and have a gorgeous baby who has genuinely been the making of me. I adore being a mum, still struggle with feeling anxious sometimes but absolutely nothing like before.

I actually had a conversation with DP the other day where I said how amazing it feels that I don't wake up every day wishing I hadn't. It's so so nice to just feel 'normal' and consistently happy. I'm so grateful to my uni friends who got me through it.

I also wanted to say you've done so well getting better. It's fucking hard.

lastkiss I’m so sorry you feel like you’ve reached that stage. What makes you think this person will stop caring for you? Aside from that person, are you getting any support elsewhere? I really hope things start to turn around for you, even in a small way.

Please don't be sorry @oatlatte, I am completely at peace with my decision...welcome it even.

I'm glad others have found a way back from it though. It is not the answer for everyone but definitely is for me.

Yep and have the scars to prove it.

I used to barter with myself, I.e. if I still feel like this in a month then I will end it, but what happened is those months turned into years and I found more and more reasons to keep trying.

I don't have any real advice because I'm not really there yet, the bad days still happen, but in the whole I'm in a better place than I used to be.

@lastkisstoo I have had this. Sometimes the only thing that kept me going was the fear of hurting people around me.

But the fact that we have people around us who would be hurt and upset is reason to keep going.

Yes. Hang in there x

Yes, there is happiness after being at rock bottom (several times).

I have struggled with my mental health for a long time, and most severely twice, 10 years ago, and 4 years ago.
I am seeing a therapist and have done for the last 2.5 years, one for 1.5 years and although she was very empathetic and lovely, she couldn‘t help me, and I changed a year ago.
This therapist has worked through the most awful time of my life with me, I had trauma therapy and it honestly changed everything.

I had a short relapse (I have an eating disorder) but recovered extremely quickly, even though I thought, this is it, I will never fully recover.
I know I will. It takes time, and I will need therapy, maybe for the rest of my life, but that‘s ok.
I‘m not on any medication although I took ADs for a year 10 years ago and 4 years ago, when I was clinically depressed. Long term I found they do nothing for me.
Self care and compassion is the most important thing in recovery.

You have to lovingly accept yourself, as you are, with absolutely all your good and all the bad stuff.
If you‘ve never had that unconditional acceptance from anyone, it is about time. You have to be your own best friend, and you are the best person to support yourself through dark times.
You can do it.