Gp appt. Is this right?

[Bookvan]

I plucked up the courage to see a gp today.
Marriage break up and I'm really not coping. I can't sleep, can't eat, trying to hold it together at work and around the kids but not doing very well. I've eaten 2 pieces of toast this week and I'm getting around 3-4 hours of sleep. I'm dizzy, headaches, backache. I'm constantly on the verge of tears and as soon as the kids are asleep I spend the evening sobbing.

The gp literally just said 'Yeah it's shit isn't it?'. Can't sign me off work as I'm self employed, said anti depressants wouldn't make it any better, and I couldn't have sleeping tablets because I'm alone with the children. Suggested private counselling and sent me on my way.

I wasn't expecting miracles, but it took me ages to admit i need help and pluck up the courage to look for help. I left wishing I hadn't bothered.

What help are you looking for?

Anti depressants might provide a sticking plaster, but they're not going to solve anything.

NHS counselling could take months. You may be able to self refer if you do want to try, but don't expect anything more than a brief assessment in the near future.

It's shit, but that's the state of mental health care in the NHS.

Private therapy sounds like the right option - I’ve tried many meds and nothing has been as helpful as working with a therapist for a long time. Often NHS counselling is short term and issue focused, when someone actually needs therapy.

Crikey, it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate.

Sorry that you didn't feel supported by your GP. You could go and see a different GP at the practice and see if they take a different or more helpful view.

Do you think that practical help might help? For example a friend to come over and keep an eye on the kids for a few hours to give you a bit of a break, something like that?

Thanks for all your replies.
I'm not sure what help I expected. I didn't expect to feel worse coming out than I did going in.
I've contacted a private counsellor, I know I need some help. I'm trying to pick myself up in between the tears. I'm just broken hearted and my ex has gone to gf house and left me to entertain 3 dcs all weekend as I'm making him uncomfortable with all the crying.

Fuck that OP. ! Tell ex he needs to get home and care for HIS children. Then you take yourself of to a friend/sibling/parent for some support. If he is the sort to believe that for some reason you are the default parent then just get him home under whatever false pretence and bugger of as soon as he's there to care for the dcs. Nothing takes the shine of of the wonderful world of a new relationship like a bank holiday weekend entertaining three kids and no opportunity for meet ups. Why would you facilitate his infidelity by doing all his childcare for him ??

Oh he could go fuck himself and her with something spiky. Cunt. Ring him up and tell him to get his arse here or turn up on his doorstep if you know where she lives, leave the kids with him and tell him that actually YOU will be having some personal time over the weekend, what with being the one who was cheated on by an utter toss rag.

Then go and have some you time. It won't fix anything but it'll give you time to refuel. Perhaps see if you can get a massage for the backache. The counselling is probably a good idea, I had about 6 weeks wait through a charity that works with the NHS.

I would have thought some short term sleeping tablets would help. Yy to ex having dc. Have you googled homestart to see if they operate in your area?

And possibly beta blockers to or anti anxiety medication to help with physical symptoms. And try to do exercise if you can or just get outdoors.

They won't give you sleeping tablets if you are alone with young children, usually. In case you can't be woken in an emergency. I think they do make exceptions sometimes but they are exceptions.

Tbf he didn't cheat, we broke up 6 months ago, (had to stay living together though) although the gf has been around for 5 1/2 months. I was fine until a couple weeks ago and it all hit me and I broke down. I told him I wanted to try again and got some bs about how it was all my fault, he's moved on etc.

I did text him and he's come back, we talked briefly and I told him he can't make decisions that affect me without discussing it with me but he's not hearing it. He didn't mean to upset me, thought it would help, blah blah. I'm a fucking mess, how he though leaving me with 3 dcs on a bh weekend when I can barely function was helping, I'll never understand.

OK, I feel as if I understand the situation a bit better now.

Do you have a plan for how to share parenting duties with your children's father at all? Do you feel able to make a short-term plan?

The current situation (living together whilst he swans off to his gf when he fancies it) sounds terrible for you to endure, and not sustainable.

Its difficult still living together. He left for a few weeks when we first split (telling me in a text, I'm sensing a theme!) But decided to move back in after a few weeks.

I was ok with the gf for a bit, I'd been on a couple of dates although nothing serious. But now I hate it. Trying not to hate her, it's not her I'm angry with (although I question her judgement at getting involved with a recently separated man still living with his ex) but I think that he needs to go. I don't think he'll agree, we have a mortgage and debts. I can afford the house, he's struggling paying back car loans and credit cards and can't afford to rent somewhere.

With regards to the dcs, he works shifts so I've always worked around him but I do think that it would benefit the dcs (and me) to have at least one fixed day each week to spend with him. Depending on his mood, he'll either agree and offer to speak to his work, or tell me his shifts are fixed and can't change them.

Don't know how I'm going to discuss all this as I just start crying and we end up fighting every time we talk.

Would he go to mediation do you think? (And can you afford it?) Relate offer it for situations like this.

I don't mean formal mediation in the preparing for divorce sense. I mean a couple of sessions now to sort out the immediate predicament.

I don't know if he'd go to mediation.

He refuses to leave unless I buy him out. I've offered to pay deposit and a months rent if he leaves but he wouldn't accept it.

Im so confused. I need some space but at the same time I hate the thought of him not being around. I want to try again but I'm so angry with him.

I think that whilst the GP may have been more sympathetic- they are ultimately right. You can't be signed off your own business, you just don't work. You need to work out a way forward- by going to a solicitor. He wants his financial share of the property and won't leave until he does. The relationship has been over for 6 months and you're not coping. He has another partner he is happy with. For your sake you need to start things moving onwards.

Your DH behaviour does not seem reasonable to me, but people do all sorts of strange things during marriage breakdowns. My H did something similar to what yours is doing which was utterly bewildering for me. My family were somewhat shocked at my exh behaviour because it is quite frankly unkind to someone who is heartbroken.

I think that broaching the idea of mediation with your DH is a good idea. Explain that the current situation is not one that you are able to tolerate and that for the sake of your health and the health of the children an alternative solution needs to be found, even if it is a short term solution.

My DH and I ended up not to going to mediation but we did have a long conversation by WhatsApp where I threw at him all of the questions that I felt I needed answers to and he added his own. We pooled all of our questions into a list and met up and managed to discuss them over coffee and work through them one by one. (I think I only cried once(!))

I think he needs to find somewhere else to stay in the short term, even if it is with a friend or family member or in a hotel for a month or so. Do you know who owns the house, whether it is you, him, or both of you jointly?

I think the problem is that I'm not ready to move on. The last 6 months we've been living together, getting on ok and the break up didn't seem real. Now it does and I need some time to get used to it. We've been together 20 years, my entire adult life. It doesn't help that I'm not eating or sleeping. I thought I'd try to get a decent sleep last night but fell asleep around 2 and then my 3 year old woke me up at 4.30.
I know I need to get my shit together, I just have no strength to do it.

I can relate to this so, so much. My DH behaviour was so, so similar. Telling him he had to leave the flat we owned together was one of the hardest conversation's I've had in my life and to this day I sometimes wonder if I hadn't asked him to go maybe we would still be together.

If you feel as if you can't get your shit together you need to pull in more support. I agree with the suggestion of Homestart, and I think asking if you can go to work with a mediator might be a way forward.

In terms of not accepting it, I adopted the strategy of denial in my head until i had dealt with the practical steps. I don't know if this helps you? The reality of the situation was too painful for me to accept and be able to function simultaneously. I mentally decided this wasn't happening whilst I got through the practical bits and dealt with the rest once I was on a more stable footing.

Thanks erinaceus. It helps to know others have been through this and survived. For now I'm aiming to shower and get dressed every day, leave the house at some point and force myself to eat. It's not good for my dcs to see me not eating.

I went school supply shopping with my dcs but it wore me out and I fell asleep as soon as I got back.

Fake it till you make it and save the tears for later.

Yes, it really is like that. I used to say, eat a bit, sleep a bit, go outside sometimes. That was all I could manage for a long time. I do try to get outside every day, as I find that that helps me.

Does anyone around you (family/friends) know what is going on?

Yeah a few people know. They've been brilliant, bringing me junk food and wine and dragging me out the house.
I've had some sleep but still feel exhausted.
He was at work last night, and texted to ask how I was doing. I didn't reply. What could I say?

That's great about your friends. My friends were similar.

Yup, yup. My DH used to do the same thing - text me to ask how I was doing.

It is up to you what you do, but I stopped replying to texts like that. I only delt with the practicalities. I felt guilty about it (Am I being cruel to him? Manipulative?) but I felt as if he wanted reassurance that I was alright and that wasn't something I could give. I also felt as if I would then be obligated to ask how he was, and it wasn't that I didn't care so much as I didn't really have an ounce of emotional resources to give to him at that point.

Not sure if that helps at all? I'm glad you got some sleep. It sounds as if you need a night or two without the DC so that you can catch up on rest.

I feel as if I want to come over and lend a hand.

I would ask to see a different GP and discuss antidepressants again. No, they won't fix the situation but they may help you to cope with everything a little bit easier. They could consider prescribing you an antidepressant which is likely to improve your sleep and appetite. If you could improve one or both of those then you will probably feel slightly better able to cope.