Psychosis dp going away

[Bhj]

Hi. I have been living with psychosis for the last 4 years. I basically have a paranoid delusional belief that people are out to kill me. I’ve been with my dp 8 years. We have a 5 year old ds together and I have a 13 year old dd from a previous relationship. So 2 nites ago when dp got home from work he announced that a group of them from work are going to plan a 13 night trip to basecamp Mount Everest in 2020. I didn’t say too much about it as just thought it was something someone suggested and it wouldn’t come to anything. He came home last night and starts telling me exactly when it will be and they only need one more person to ok it. I looked away at the tv and he got annoyed with me because I wasn’t interested in what he was saying. I told him had he considered it would be hell on earth for me if he went. He knows I can’t stay here alone with the kids overnight as I get very anxious because of my belief. He goes on nights out till early hours of the morning and I even struggle with that but he only does it about once a month so it’s manageable and I never say anything to him about it because I want him to enjoy himself. But he went away for a week last October to a different city to do training for work. It was during the October half term so I was able to get different family members to stay each night as nobody had to get kids to school but was still anxious with him being away and became very distressed one night and called the police because I believed me and my kids would be murdered that night. He later rang me that night and had a go at me for calling the police as it would of upset the kids believing that I had control over my actions. I explained to him last night that I wouldn’t even be able to get anyone to stay for those 13 nights he wants to go away as it’s termtime and so I would have to stay alone with the kids. He got huffy so I came to bed thinking he would think about it and realise he’s being unrealistic thinking he can do this trip but no. He came home tonight talking about it again. I feel so unbelievably upset that he knows and doesn’t care that I’ll be distressed while he’s gone and god knows what my mental illness will tell me to do in that instance, I have no control over my actions when I have an episode. Am I being unreasonable for feeling this way? I’m quite sleep deprived at the moment so don’t know if that’s clouding my judgement. If it was something he’d always wanted to do then maybe it would be different but it’s not, someone suggested it at at work and he thought yes I’ll do it. He’s also going away two different weekends in September for friends birthdays. Fine I’ve arranged to stay with family as it’s the weekend so it’s not like he’s never allowed out. Sorry it’s so long and no paragraphs, I don’t know how to do them.

Hi op, if I'm honest I think your dp is being unreasonable, he knows it's not feasible for your family's situation for him to do this and he has only considered his own thoughts and feelings. I can also see from his point of view that he wishes he could do stuff like this without it being an issue so I wouldn't go to hard on him, I'd try to sit him down and talk to him. Tell him you're sorry that your mental health has an effect on the things he can and cannot do but you both decided to have a family together and he has a responsibility to you and the kids. As you say it's not like you stop him going out all the time and he has a night out once a month and trips away for friends/families birthdays, if you wanted him to stay in every night then I would say you are being unreasonable but in this instance I don't as 13 nights is a long time xx

Thank you for your advice on what to say to him as I wasn’t sure. I feel bad that impacts his life that’s why I wasn’t sure who was being unreasonable.

I don't know. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to have a once in a lifetime experience. I see your point too though.

It does sound a bit like black mail tbh. You have the issue and shouldn't make your partner responsible for it. What steps have you taken to address it ? Can you sit down calmly and talk about your concerns with him and see what solutions both of you can come up with. I would stress on the conversation that you realise that you are being unfair but you need hid help to work through it and you want him to go on the trip . ( In all honesty, do you want him to go)

I'm sorry but I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

You need to try to manage your symptoms alone, what if he left permanently or became ill and had to be in hospital or worse still. My point is you can't always guarantee he will be there so you need to find ways to cope alone.

Plus its a great opportunity for him and while he might not have mentioned doing it before we only get to live one life so it's best to enjoy it.

I'm sorry for your difficulties though and hope you can find a workable solution.

Thanks for your replies. I’ve tried many different anti psychotics over the last 4 years, currently on clozapine. I also do cbt twice a week and have family intervention once a month so I’m trying really hard to overcome this. In all honesty if it was just me I would suck it up but I’m really worried that I’ll have an episode and my kids would be terrified. Also I know this sounds very far fetched and probably very rare but it’s still in the back of my mind that psychotic mothers have disappeared with their kids in the middle of the night before when having an episode as they truly believe at that time that that their kids are in danger and some have even suffocated their kids when sleeping as they feel it’s the better option than what they believe is going to happen to their kids. I know it’s hard to understand if you don’t have this illness. But I take on board what your saying about needing to overcome this and he can’t always be with me.

I think that maybe taking a solution focussed approach could help. For example, 2020 is a long way off, which gives you a lot of time to plan. You could explain to your DP that alongside his preparation for the trek you will need to prepare for your wellbeing whilst he is away. 13 days is a long time, but - as a suggestion - do you have a crisis team in your area whom you could plan to be in regular contact with during the break, or a friend or family member whom you trust with whom you could work with to make a plan?

Have you tried to medicate your anxiety? I was really anxious of dogs. I had to wear plastic cover over the pram even in hot weather. I started pregabalin which helped me enormously. I was relaxed and not at all afraid dogs anymore. I have now stopped taking it and my anxiety is in reasonable level.

Yes I have a crisis team number and I know I’ll get a lot of help during the day from the early intervention team it’s the nights that will be hard. But I can call the crisis team during the night if I need to but obviously don’t want it to get to that point as it will distress the kids so I think I will have to prepare for what I can do so it hopefully doesn’t get to that stage. I have taken diazepam for my anxiety, it used to work brilliantly when I first started taking it but now it has no effect at all even if I take 2. I’ve also had sleeping tablets that used to work but no longer do, if I knew they still worked then I wouldn’t be so worried as I’d know they’d knock me out for the night so I wouldn’t be awake all night worrying.

That does sound difficult. It sounds difficult, but not impossible. I hope that you can find a way to work it out.

Thank you.

I’m trying really hard to see it from his point of view and I know that he’s entitled to live his life the way he wants to and my mental health shouldn’t get in the way of that but it’s a really serious mental illness. If you’re Mother’s can you honestly say that if you had a dp with psychosis and you were 99% sure they would have a psychotic episode while you were away for 13 nights that you would leave the two most precious people in the world to you in their care for them to witness? When people have a psychotic episode they lose all touch with reality and you can not predict what their actions will be. I know I wouldn’t leave the kids with him for 13 nights if I thought there was even a slight chance my kids would see something they shouldn’t which is why I don’t want to be left alone with them.

I'm going to be honest here OP and say there is an awful lot of "I" in your post. Your mental health, your needs. The guy wants to do a trip in 2 years time and you're basically saying your needs are greater....

My DH goes away a few times a year with his hobby. I don't really sleep while he's away, and don't enjoy the nights but I'd never stop him in a million years. That's my issue, not his.

Then you need to find someone else to have the children while he's away.

If you’re Mother’s can you honestly say that if you had a dp with psychosis and you were 99% sure they would have a psychotic episode while you were away for 13 nights that you would leave the two most precious people in the world to you in their care for them to witness?

No. I would find appropriate and reliable childcare. Overnight childcare does exist- although I imagine provision varies by area and costs can be high. You have two years to find it and save for it though, it's not insurmountable.

Could you not have a parent or friend come round to help look after you if you need that - I mean it’s not every day someone gets a chance to go to Everest base camp.

Ok the jury’s out. He will go and I will be happy for him. Thanks for your replies to help me see I am being unreasonable.

There are different ways to prepare for your partners trip, one is to plan ahead for another adult to spend their evenioand nights with your family. This could be a member of yours or his family or someone you pay.

Another aspect is to try to get medication that controls the psychosis reliably. I’ve had psychosis and take Seroquel XR and this keeps my bipolar and psychosis somewhat controlled. I have no psychosis whatsoever but I’m a changed person from what I was before medication. I have less motivation but no psychosis. You could talk to your psychiatrist to see if a change could keep the psychosis better controlled.

If he really wants to go then he can look into the options to get the adult support for when he’s away.

What kind of treatment are you receiving, that these beliefs have been persisting so long? The fact that they are still so present and real to you is likely affecting your dc's day to day life as well as (as you can tell) your DH. It must be tremendously hard for you, even though I see that you are trying hard to still make things work.

He would be unreasonable to go away while you are so unwell, however I also see that he must be under tremendous stress. You refusing to even even acknowledge him when he tried to ask doesn't make it seem like you have a good way of resolving your differences. This doesn't sound sustainable for any of you.
Unless you are already getting tons of top notch care, I'd suggest as a first port of call you go back to your gp/ psychiatrist and discuss how much this is affecting you and your family and that your symptoms are clearly not under control, and how can this be helped.

That’s the thing he didn’t try to ask, he was telling me what he was doing. I guess I just thought we had the kind of relationship where we would talk this through before he made any kind of decision but ur right my illness is impacting everybody and I can assure you there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t feel guilty about that but you wouldn’t believe the lengths I go to to shield my children from it and my partner. I never talk about how I’m feeling so as to shield everyone which is why I just needed to get it down in writing here I guess. I paint a smile on my face every day for my family and do everything any other Mum would do with her kids, bake, crafts, park, day trips out, bedtime stories. I never chose to have this illness, I’ve always been a good person, kind to everyone, put everyone’s needs before my own but I seem to have come across on this thread as though I only think of myself.

I have recently started a new medication which everyone is hoping will be the one. Everyone’s trying to do all they can for me, I couldn’t ask for anymore help. I am willing to leave the family home if it means everyone would be better off without me there but they love me and I love them. I’m trying my hardest I really am.

I remember taking clozapine and I couldn’t tolerate it, I had s side effect whereby I wanted to move all the time. Also sleeping pills were also ineffective. The seroquel xr makes me very sleepy but I don’t wake up feeling rested just tired but I don’t have psychosis at all, it’s worth asking about medication if your new medication does not controlled the psychosis. I could not imagine having psychosis for 4 years, I am worried this has continued for so long and hope the team can find effective medication for you soon.

You haven't came across to me as though you only think of yourself, it's pretty clear your trying to shield your children from potentially witnessing their mother in the midst of a psychotic episode and are concerned for their safety as you're aware of how things could and have panned out for people during these episodes.

I'm pretty shocked at your partners lack of concern but I'm also thinking maybe he under estimates how bad things can get for you. Not to be blunt but as a parent I would have major concerns every single day if I knew their other parent had ever had even one of these episodes. It almost seems as though he thinks you'll be anxious and upset but doesn't realise the extent of what may happen.
I think this is something that needed to be discussed with your care team before any decision was made either way. I'm not sure any spouse would be ok with their other half coming home announcing set plans for a two week holiday without any discussions/agreements first. Yes in an idea world we'd all be able to come and go as we please but when you're part of a family unit that's not possible. In an ideal world nothing would hold any of us back in reality, finances, childcare, illness, work and family life balance have to be taken into account.

You also have an obligation to yourself and the family you've created to keep trying to manage your issues and to some extent believing you can.

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, it must be very frightening and I hope your new medication is effective.

Re. The trip. Your DP was unreasonable to announce a long holiday like that, but I have the impression that they were all talking about it at work and he was pulled into the excitement and rushed home to tell you all about this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. He was fired up and not really thinking it through - like an excited child!

In the cold light of day, there's a lot to consider and he's probably feeling deflated...again, like a disappointed child! I think you might be the more mature person in your relationship.

Anyway, as PPs have said, 2020 is a long time in the future and with careful planning, you might be able to make this work. I'd talk to him again and say that it's a good thing you've got plenty of notice, as there's a lot to sort out. He can't just swan off, he's got to help you figure out how to make a 13-night trip work!

Make a list of what needs to be done (e.g. someone to be with you every night) and work WITH him to figure out who can help.

I've noticed that my DH is much more responsive when there's a plan to address a problem. He recently went on a long trip with DD and we worked together to make sure things were running smoothly at home.

Thank you to the last two posters.