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Mental health

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Original poster

I'm scared of my depressed housemate, help!

76 replies

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 14:57

I feel like a monster for feeling this way but I'm really struggling to sympathise with my housemate with self-diagnosed depression, anxiety and ptsd. I didn't start out being this callous and frustrated with her, but I am at a point where I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I started losing patience about six months back when I accidentally startled her by closing a cupboard too loudly in the kitchen, she slammed me into a wall and started choking me and I ended up having a miscarriage a day or two later. I apologised to her for scaring her, and instead of apologising in return she said she acted that way because I triggered her anxiety.
I didn't think much of it at the time, I was preoccupied with other things tbh, but I've noticed she uses her mental illnesses to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She does no housework and every time I ask about the rota she says it'll trigger her depression, she listens to loud music all night without headphones because they trigger her ptsd, I've got to the point of hiding from her because she'll get physical or start screaming if I put a foot wrong. She currently lives rent free as she refuses to pay and says she'll harm herself if I ask her to leave, even though it is my house and she has no contract.

I've spoken to our friendship group about this and they keep saying I've got to be more understanding of mental illness, but I also struggle with depression and I don't think I've ever behaved like her. I even called her parents, but they keep saying how happy she is living with me and can't be moved or it'll trigger her depression further.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I feel scared in my own home.

OP posts:

bengalcat · 14/08/2018 15:00

She should go elsewhere - I'm guessing her parents have been exposed to this behaviour and don't want this - much longer and you'll have depression , anxiety and PTSD

annandale · 14/08/2018 15:02

Find someone else to come home with you/stay with you if you can.

Report her to the police for the unprovoked attack on you in your own home. Have someone with you when she finds out about this, or go elsewhere.

Get legal advice and start proceedings for eviction - I don't know anything about landlord and tenant law, hence legal advice before you start.

Her mental illness is completely irrelevant in this - not to her future life, but to yours. You've been physically attacked - report the attack. I say this as someone with extensive experience of caring for someone with MH problems.

inConstantNeedOfAGin · 14/08/2018 15:03

Probably not going to be the most popular opinion, but put her out on her arse! Her mental health issues aren't your responsibility. And you shouldn't be feeling like that in your own home, she assaulted you and you apologised? Fuck that. I understand people with mental health issues can sometimes be fragile and need some extra help, but if she isn't willing to help herself, how can you help her? She can't use that as an excuse for her appalling behaviour. If it was me, I'd say things have to change or she has to move out. If she threatens to hurt herself etc, so be it, call her parents to come get her and they can go help you with the situation.

gamerchick · 14/08/2018 15:04

Sounds like you're going to need police help to remove her. Give them a ring then tell her to pack her bags

Her harming herself is not your responsibility.

ShesABelter · 14/08/2018 15:04

Really?

Jillyjollyjandy · 14/08/2018 15:05

This seems unlikely.

Original poster

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 15:06

@bengalcat I think I already do. I've turned into a shell that does nothing but clean up after her, cry, and hide in my room. I've reported her at work to see if our manager can help, but they respond that she's mentally ill and I have to be more understanding. I wrote an email to her counsellor that she's started seeing, and he responded that she's improving and once she's stable then I can talk to her.
I don't know what to do short to getting the police involved, but I really don't want that. It'll destroy our work environment and our friendship group if I do.

OP posts:

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 14/08/2018 15:06

if she is a lodger in your house, you are only obliged to give her 72 hours notice.
After this you can ask the police to help you remove her AFAIK.
Do you have any friends preferably male who would accompany you when you serve the notice on her, and possibly keep you company for a few days?

Beaverhausen · 14/08/2018 15:06

I am wig @inconstantneedofagin give her a weeks notice and get someone to come and stay with you until she leaves.

She is probably using It as an excuse to get her own way. If she acts up call the police, if she was seriously ill a doctor would have diagnosed her.

LivininaBox · 14/08/2018 15:07

You need to get this person out of your house, you don't have to live in fear of your safety. Has she ever paid? If not there is no contract so you can just change the locks, you probably do
not need to go through eviction.

ShesABelter · 14/08/2018 15:08

So she works with you, stays with you, has the same friends and you have contact details for her councillor?

Original poster

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 15:08

@Jillyjollyjandy I'd think so too if I heard the story, but unfortunately it is completely true apart from a couple of omitted details.
Although, I did ask for help not for someone to question this as everyone I have actual physical contact with is questioning it as well.

OP posts:

Original poster

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 15:10

@ShesABelter We live in the same house, she left a memo card on the fridge one day and I copied down the number and name of her counsellor just in case I needed it.
I took her in because we were friends and I knew she was struggling with her mental health.

OP posts:

ThomasRichard · 14/08/2018 15:11

People with mental illnesses don’t behave this way. Horrible, abusuve people behave this way. She is abusing you, emotionally, mentally, financially and physically. Her parents and other people around you are enabling that abuse. Get someone to be with you when you give her 72hrs notice to leave. If she kicks off, call the police.

Original poster

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 15:13

@LivininaBox Thank you. I think I need to do this to, I just scared of being alone with her when I tell her to leave. I suppose I could ask if a police officer or a neighbour could be with me when I tell her to leave, just need to get the courage to leave my room and do it.

OP posts:

AbbieLexie · 14/08/2018 15:15

@ThomasRichard sums it up succinctly. I'd add arrange someone to move in from when you inform her of her 72 hours notice until she departs. I'd change all locks as well.

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 14/08/2018 15:16

A police officer will not accompany you when you ask her to leave.

That is why I asked if you had any friends who would be there for you.
However, if she does not leave after 72 hours, then you can call the police.

She hasn't got a leg to stand on, as a lodger.

And as ThomasRichard said, people with mental illnesses don't behave llike that. I know a few people who suffer from mental health problems, and none of them act like abusive aggressive cunts.

MsJinglyJones · 14/08/2018 15:20

Bloody hell - you have to be "more understanding" with someone who assaults you, does nothing around the house, pays no rent and makes your life a misery? I bet at least some of these people are glad you're dealing with her and relieving them of having to.

It doesn't matter how ill someone is - you do not have to tolerate being attacked, abused and blamed, AND having a tenant who's not paying up!

On the plus side, it's not ambiguous - she's not paying rent and she assaulted you, and those are completely valid reasons to chuck her out. Report her to the police for the assault, and serve her with notice. It's hard if you don't have the support of others, but do this for yourself. Do you have any other friends or family who don't know her / aren't on her side, who you can lean on? You've had a tough time.

And yes as PP's have said, you have to avoid her or make sure someone else is there, once she knows what's happening. It may be though that you can ask the police to remove her, since she's physically abusive.

What a nightmare OP

MsJinglyJones · 14/08/2018 15:29

Or maybe talk to her parents again and tell her you can't cope any more, you will not endure being attacked and not paid, and you are going to have to go to the police and evict her (all true). Point out she is too unwell for you to look after. Maybe that will make them realise they need to come and get her.

MsJinglyJones · 14/08/2018 15:29

Tell them I mean

ShirleyPhallus · 14/08/2018 15:31

Why do your friends think you should be more understanding?

Original poster

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 15:32

@MsJinglyJones Thank you, that might work! I get really panicky with any kind of confrontation so I've been hiding and hoping this somehow gets sorted out, but I can't live like this anymore.

OP posts:

ShadowCatt · 14/08/2018 15:34

Her parents probably don't want her back which is why they're pushing for her to stay.

In all frankness, you owe her nothing. You tried to help her,which was nice and she repaid you by assaulting you,abusing you and taking advantage.

It's time to say no more (and fuck off).

As for the friends,I bet none of them will even attempt to offer her somewhere to stay. It's easy to have the high moral ground when you don't actually deal with any of the shit.

Littlefish · 14/08/2018 15:34

She is not your responsibility.

Give her 48 hour's notice (and have someone with you when you do it). She is not paying you rent, there is no contract. Check with Shelter to be sure that you are acting legally.

Phone her parents and let them know what you have done.

If she refuses to leave, or attacks you either verbally or physically, then phone the police.

I have every sympathy for you. This is a horrible situation, but you don't have to continue supporting her in any way. She has attacked and abused you and is manipulating you. At the very least she is far too unwell to be living with you.

IhatetheArchers · 14/08/2018 15:37

Kick her out, and suggest she changes her counsellor to one who doesn't behave unethically by discussing their clients.

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