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I'm scared of my depressed housemate, help!

76 replies

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 14:57

I feel like a monster for feeling this way but I'm really struggling to sympathise with my housemate with self-diagnosed depression, anxiety and ptsd. I didn't start out being this callous and frustrated with her, but I am at a point where I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.
I started losing patience about six months back when I accidentally startled her by closing a cupboard too loudly in the kitchen, she slammed me into a wall and started choking me and I ended up having a miscarriage a day or two later. I apologised to her for scaring her, and instead of apologising in return she said she acted that way because I triggered her anxiety.
I didn't think much of it at the time, I was preoccupied with other things tbh, but I've noticed she uses her mental illnesses to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She does no housework and every time I ask about the rota she says it'll trigger her depression, she listens to loud music all night without headphones because they trigger her ptsd, I've got to the point of hiding from her because she'll get physical or start screaming if I put a foot wrong. She currently lives rent free as she refuses to pay and says she'll harm herself if I ask her to leave, even though it is my house and she has no contract.

I've spoken to our friendship group about this and they keep saying I've got to be more understanding of mental illness, but I also struggle with depression and I don't think I've ever behaved like her. I even called her parents, but they keep saying how happy she is living with me and can't be moved or it'll trigger her depression further.

Does anyone have any advice on what I should do? I feel scared in my own home.

OP posts:
BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 15:38

@ShirleyPhallus She discusses her mental health a lot with the group. This will sound mean, but I don't think we've had a conversation where she doesn't twist it round to her depression, ptsd, anxiety etc. After an argument with one of our friends she took a razor out her bag and cut her arm in front of everyone about a year back, and since then we've all given her a lot of slack.
My friends also say that mental illness makes people behave in ways that other people wouldn't and therefore we have to be understanding, even if its hard on us. I agreed with them up pretty much up until a few months ago and now I just can't do it anymore.

OP posts:
Jozxyqk · 14/08/2018 15:42

If her friends tell you that you need to more understanding, I'm sure that one of them will be willing to assist her with somewhere to live. Likewise, her employer will not let her go while she is struggling. It would appear that you are the only one she is triggered by - as evidenced by the fact that she's assaulted you - therefore the bast thing all round would be for the two of you to part ways. It's only logical. In fact you are protecting her by not continuing to expose her to the stress of living with you.

Definitely serve her notice, & have a friend to stay with you the entire time until she leaves.

ShadowCatt · 14/08/2018 15:43

That's attention seeking and manipulative behaviour. No one wants to be the one that "causes" her to do that,she she keeps all of you in check.

Ariclock · 14/08/2018 15:44

The fact that she's not paying you will be useful for getting her to leave. Tell her that you need the money and that you have found someone to move in. Point her towards the friends who have said that you need to support her and wave her off! They'll be changing their tune soon enough Flowers

Jozxyqk · 14/08/2018 15:45

Your last update, OP - she sounds narcissistic & manipulative. You would probably be a lot better off, MH wise, without her in your daily life. Cutting herself in front of everyone is deliberately calculated to make everyone pussyfoot around her. And it's worked.

Hedgehog80 · 14/08/2018 16:05

Wait till she goes out, get the locks changed

catlady34 · 14/08/2018 16:06

Change the locks. What a liberty, Jesus.

Hedgehog80 · 14/08/2018 16:09

You can bag her stuff up st a later date and either deliver to her or leave out at a pre arranged time. Don’t let her back in

HamsterToast · 14/08/2018 16:14

Errr, no. As someone with long term mental health issues, let me tell you this, and listen good.

MH is not an excuse to behave badly, or violently. It is not a reason to avoid responsibility or an excuse to get out of things.

You must treat someone with treated MH EXACTLY THE SAME as anyone else- tempered with a bit of extra understanding and kindness if they are snappy, or drop out of plans, or sometimes hide away or act slightly odd.

People with MH are still people with usual rationalising capabilities, and the applicability of being a knob. Don't let them manipulate you because lots of them will if you let them.

However:

If this person is not adequately treated for something like PTSD, BPD or Bi-polar they may not be 100% rational. In which case you still shouldn't put up that that behaviour. If she is violent and horrible to live with, kick her out.

Sometimes people (MH or not) need a swift kick up the arse.

Basically, do everything you would do if this person didn't have MH.

Tara336 · 14/08/2018 16:22

I’m anothe who agrees with @inconstantneedofagin I have a now ex friend who displayed some appalling behaviour while claiming it was caused by her mental health issues. I won’t go into huge detail but her lies and manipulation caused me a great deal of personal harm. Yes I agree we should be understanding of MH however there are people who use it as a get out of jail free card to do what the hell they want. I am afraid now if I come across anyone who says they have MH issues I keep them at an arms length for my own well being which is as important as theirs is.

dangermouseisace · 14/08/2018 16:24

OP you owe this person nothing. Having problems does not excuse that sort of behaviour. The fact she’s self diagnosed sounds a bit Hmm. If she really was unable to control herself eg violence, self harming in front of others, then she wouldn’t have a job, she’d have been arrested multiple times and/or ended up in a psych unit/locked unit. It sounds like she is very much in control and is completely taking the piss.

I have mental illness including the conditions you listed and have been in hospital a few times. I’ve never, ever, come across anyone acting out like that. It’s not acceptable and you don’t have to live with it. As a lodger, especially one that doesn’t pay rent and behaves despicably she basically has no rights- you are the person with rights OP. It’s your HOME, you were kind enough to give this girl a chance but she really is treating you like a doormat now. She’s being physically and verbally abusive, really, if she’s physical again you should call the police. Maybe she needs a wake up call before she causes more damage to other people...she’s already mentally and physically damaged you, and your friends. FFS she’s putting you all at the risk of getting PTSD yourselves!

As pps have said, give her a few days notice to leave. If she doesn’t move out I’d be tempted to change the locks whilst she’s out.

Tara336 · 14/08/2018 16:26

@HamsterToast your post has actually made me feel better as I have always wondered did my friend know exactly what she was doing? I had always suspected she did, but now I believe she did. I have found out in last few days she is now telling people I am in a physically abusive relationship and she’s worried she can’t help me (we’ve been no contact for 4 years) 🙄

PsychoPumpkin · 14/08/2018 16:31

If I were in your position, I’d be waiting for her to go out for a few hours, changing the locks and putting all her things on the street.

TokyoSushi · 14/08/2018 16:41

Exactly what HamsterToast Said, Thanks for you OP, hope you get it sorted.

BriKelly10 · 14/08/2018 17:21

Thank you everyone for all your replies. I'm going to ask her to leave when she gets home from work, hopefully she listens and goes.

OP posts:
HoleyCoMoley · 14/08/2018 17:27

Good luck asking her to go, you deserve to live in your own home in safety and peace. If she kicks off then call her parents and tell them to either come and collect her or you will call the police.

ShadowCatt · 14/08/2018 17:48

Good luck Thanks Don't be afraid or embarrassed to stand firm or call the police when needed. Also don't fall for the emotional blackmail..tears,threats,cuts whatever.

You deserve better.

Verbena87 · 14/08/2018 18:02

The only person I’ve known to be violent while mentally ill was experiencing psychosis and delusions at the time (and needed to be in hospital, not in a friend’s house putting themselves and others in danger).

My feeling is she is either more ill than she realises, in which case she needs to be somewhere where she can get treatment sorted (as serious mental illness as described above is horrible for the sufferer and needs managing; I’m not aware of it getting better on its own), or that she’s using her (self made?) diagnoses as an excuse for abusive behaviour, in which case she needs to be out of your home. Either way, your house is not an appropriate place for her to be. Good luck.

MsJinglyJones · 14/08/2018 18:08

Take care OP and report back so we know you're OK.

HollowTalk · 14/08/2018 18:09

Ok so she has poor mental health and now she's made you have poor mental health. So you're even. That means she can't pull this as a reason why you have to do what you're told in your own home.

OP, tell her she has to get out. I wouldn't give her any notice, to be honest, since she's not paying any rent and has clearly broken her side of the deal. I'd say that she has to leave now. Tonight. Then leave the house and call her parents (or send them a message) telling them what's happened and that you can't tolerate it any more for your own mental health. Say you are going to have a breakdown if she stays in your house one more night.

DPotter · 14/08/2018 18:20

Living with someone you love and care about who has depression is bad enough, but violence is a line in the sand that once crossed there's no going back from.

Your main responsibility is your own mental health; you are not a counsellor and there is absolutely nothing that says you should put up with being attacked, especially in your home. The fact she's not paying you anything but is in employment is just plain taking the piss.
Good luck for this evening - have your phone handy to call for police backup.

Ariclock · 14/08/2018 18:46

Good luck op, remember that it's your house not hers. She will have to leave whether she likes it or not. I would recommend calling some family members to support you when you give her notice as she has been violent towards you before Flowers

PsychoPumpkin · 14/08/2018 19:44

I’m worried about you asking her to leave, considering how she acted when you closed a cupboard door too loudly for her liking Shock

I’d be much more inclined to just not let her back in when she next goes out. At least there would be a locked door between you and her

ImTakingTheEssence · 14/08/2018 19:49

I would have a family member or friend round to back you up hope your ok op Flowers

Knitjob · 14/08/2018 19:52

You are doing the right thing op. Be brave. It will be horrible but then it will be over and life will get better for you.