Borderline personality disorder

[TheClientList]

Can anyone tell what it's like to have BPD and tell me how you feel?

Sorry for odd question.

Thanks

Anyone?

Hi I had a thread over on mental health bored about me struggling with BPD. It's mentally exhausting. Extreme emotions throughout the day is main symptom for me. It's not easy to be diagnosed. It took doctors over ten years to diagnose me. What specifically would you like to know ?

Here is the thread...

Having bpd is awful. The emotional dis regulation is distressing, the associated depression is distressing! I struggle to trust people and have tried to push people away. I need to understand why something is happening, someone saying it’s going to work out isn’t good enough I need to know how! I self harm and have attempted suicide. I get sick of people saying that bpd is always associated with manipulation, I don’t manipulate anyone Anymore than someone without bpd! It’s got so much stigma and misunderstanding attached to it. I have meltdowns every so often where I cry and become distressed. I have very high anxiety levels and struggle to regulate it, I take medication for anxiety and other medication to try and control my symptoms. I have only been diagnosed a few years and I’m 43 now. I had been abused briefly as a child but the main abuse came as a young adult perpetrated by my first husband. He financially, sexually, physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me. I hate feeling like I do in a daily basis. I sometimes have a dissociative episode also.

My brother has it. I’m interested in this topic as I need to understand him better. Has anyone with borderline personality disorder had successful treatment?

Fantasmasgoria1 so sorry to hear you have struggled so much. It’s not fair.

Is your brother getting support from mental health services? It’s a massive battle to get help because of lack of funding. For years I was fobbed off by the gp saying I have depression and to take anti depressants. My mental health declined and I was admitted to hospital. That was hell and I managed to talk my way out! I made out it was just an episode and I was fine, I wasn’t fine but i wanted out! A year after this I found out my diagnosis and I got assigned a psychiatrist. I had some therapy but couldn’t continue it at the time and I am awaiting therapy in September again! I managed to graduate from university four years ago, I never had time off and I battled through, I was hospitalised in my second year summer holidays! My second husband was an alcoholic and physically abused me. I am engaged to a wonderful man. He has been the only person who can deescalate me when I’m upset and it over very quickly now, don’t know why he just seems to say and do the right things! Being in a normal relationship has been hard because I never experienced it and for a while expected him to hurt me in some way but he never has! He’s kind , loving and caring!

I don’t think he is.

He’s had access to help from time to time following multiple admissions to hospital for suicide attempts. But he thinks it is futile and had no confidence in those trying to help him.

It is frustrating. He won’t listen and gets angry if I suggest he gets help- so I am really careful when I talk to him. I just want to understand him better. If I thought therapy would make a difference then maybe I would try a little more to encourage him that way (but he is extremely sensitive so it is difficult).

It sound bad I know but one day
If he carries on in this way he will be sectioned. I have known this to happen in similar cases. I worked in mental health for a while and one Person I worked with would refuse help, kept taking overdoses etc and was sectioned. They lived in the supported house but had a cto to ensure they cooperated with treatment! All you can do is be there to listen and support. If he
Will not accept help there is not much you can do. Has he got a formal diagnosis of bpd?

He has been sectioned temporarily in the past and that’s when he got the diagnosis. He now holds down a job and acts like everything is fine. He can’t hold down a relationship though- rushes in then a big drsma will happen before long. I hope he is as good as he says but I worry that burying all of this can’t be good for him. He’s a very proud person. But the fact that he’s maintaining a stable job is positive at least.

Part of the problem, I think, is that he is very smart. The downside there is he thinks he knows better than trained professionals and distrusts authority. Maybe that is part of the disorder?

Maybe! My psychiatrist said because I’m intelligent I’m high functioning and can fool people into thinking I’m ok when I’m not! Until recently I have always had a job but I have been ill so my fiancé has said to give job hunting a rest for a while especially with my therapy coming up but I feel bad for not working so I’m looking for something 15 hour a week roughly but I’m being selective and looking for low stress jobs. It is good he is working as it gives a focus. As for mistrusting professionals I do and I don’t. My degree is a professional one and most things mental health nurses etc know
I do too and I heavily research what I don’t know. I research medications and tell my psychiatrist what I want , why and how I think it will benefit me and mostly he agrees!
How old is your brother? It may be as he gets older he will begin to accept help. It can be very stressful for relatives and you Need to look after you also, are there any groups you could attend to get advise and support? I’m sorry if some of this makes no sense my anxiety levels are really high right now!

Your message makes perfect sense. He’s only just 40 but this has only come to light in recent years.

Thank you for your kind messages. I wish you all the best. Such a difficult issue.

Well I have always felt abit different but I always managed to brush it under the carpet but as I get older there's no way I can hide it i have such erratic emotions like so bad that I don't know how to control them I end up pulling out my hair or punch myself. I binge eat and always spending money I don't have like my behaviour for it I cannot stop! I'm so socially awkward and when I do make friends I can't keep at them I've always been alone as it's just easier for me to cope with! I do have a partner and he says I'm such hard work! I have terrible mood swings where I'm angry at everything but it's stupid things that I know it's pointless but it's a feeling I cannot control! I struggle with all kind of relationships. I finally plucked up the courage to talk to my doctor but I got given anti-depressants and told myself to do self referral to a psychiatrist is that normal to do that? I was in tears practically begging for help and to understand as I don't know why I'm like this. Can anyone help as to how I can go about getting more help and being taken serious it's taken me a lot to ever speak about it.

I just feel so exhausted that I cannot cope feeling like this anymore and I just want it to go away!

I also have severe anxiety when the door knocks I get this knot in my tummy and feel sick and shaken or a bang outside or the noise of plates banging together when you get them out the cupboard I just feel instant anxiety. Same as when I get a phone call or even a text I get isn't shut down and pretend it isn't there which gets me into such a hole.

Instant*

People think I'm rude but I'm not and they don't understand but I don't know what to say or even tell them because I don't know why I do it I really don't mean to. I'm in tears now talking about it , as it really affects my everyday life now just want help

The problem is with BPD is it can take a long time to diagnose and you will probably just be told you are depressed and given ADs. While being on AD can help elevate your anxiety they will not help much with the mood swings..... I know this sounds mad but I would urge you to keep a mood diary, this will show what 'triggers' your emotions.
At the moment I see a mental health nurse once a week who teaches me techniques in managing my behaviour, it may be worth for you looking at some cbt. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment but you have got the ball rolling by going to the go.... I would go back once you have done a mood diary to show them , maybe print off info about BPD and take it in to discuss how you feel....
Sorry if this isn't much help trying to type while looking after a baby. I am here for you if you would ever like to private message me x

The client list I totally get what you mean about people can think you are rude! I have had people misunderstand what I have said many times and I have to explain myself!!!!

@TheClientList you've described it perfectly!

BPD has always been very interesting to me and my understanding is that the emotions are deregulated so can often be very overwhelming and can also cycle quickly, so for example feeling intense anger that disappears as quickly as it appears. I think the name BPD has unfortunately gathered some stereotypes and I think Emotional Deregulation (or similar) PD is a much better name as it describes what is going on so much better. Do any of you have any theories about why you may have developed this?

Trauma!

This is very interesting for me to read as I believe my mum has bpd, she behaves in a similar way to you all have described. She is also narcissistic but in some ways has got better behaved with that as I have put boundaries in place. She can be so rude though

@prettywhiteguitar There is also Narcissistic Personality Disorder which is similar but has other features

I know that people say that having BPD means that you have no empathy and are manipulative. I have a lot of empathy and feeling for other people but admittedly can be selfish and override that if I'm afraid of being abandoned.

Also I don't manipulate for fun, like someone with a puppet on a string, I try to control situations and reactions when I'm afraid of losing or being abandoned by someone or perceive that danger

Someone on MN mentioned recently they had had great success with a method called Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT)

Oh no @asleepallday I know it’s two totally different things, she has both though