Scared of baby dying - anyone know this feeling?

[Mindles]

I feel so stupid for confessing to this, but I have to because I feel really rotten today and keep crying.

Throughout my pregnancy I was convinced I was going to miscarry, or that my baby would be stillborn. He was born healthy and safe, and I thought I'd be ok once I got him home but now I just lie awake in bed listening to him breathe and panicking whenever I can't hear him. It's got to the point where I spend a good hour or two a night lying in bed worrying that if I go to sleep, he'll be dead when I wake up. It's exacerbated at the moment by a bad cough/cold he's caught from my mum, so he's really raspy and blocked up. He is (touch wood) one of the healthiest and happiest babies you could ever meet, and there is no grounding whatsoever for my fears, but I can't make them go away at all. I have spent much of the morning cuddling the baby, and crying and telling him I love him and he must never leave me - what am I doing?? I am so scared that my baby will grow up and his first memory will be of his mother crying all the time. I'm more scared of losing him though. I keep thinking about what it would be like if something did happen to him, and all I can think is that I can't live without him. I'm at a point where I almost feel like I'd rather just die now, and then it can never happen.

There must be someone out there who feels or felt like this? What did you do? Please someone help me, I just feel like I'm losing it altogether.

Sounds very much like you need some form of counselling...Do you have PND?

mindles - we all feel like this, but generally to a lesser degree. I agree with ST that you may have a touch of PND and a bit of counselling might be an idea.

I did feel like this, and I must admit that the feeling has only lessened recently, now he is four, and now he has a younger brother! Councelling helped.

It's terrifying isn't it?

Most of us do feel like this to some extent. I used to poke my girls in the night if I couldn't hear them breathing. I do think you need some help before it gets too extreme.

Ok, I do feel like this some times. I check on his breathing when I come to bed and if I wake in the night I need to hear him or I get out of bed to check. I check at nap times as well. I also get quite paranoid when I'm in the car if I can't see him move in his rear-facing car seat.

I think a certain amount of this is normal and probably heightened due to the increased amount of information we are exposed to re: cot death. I am worse than I probably would be as a close friend lost her baby very suddenly a few months ago, he was almost the same age as my ds so I'm constantly thinking about him and them and how they feel and how I would feel.

In between my mini-panics though I'm fine and I just need to reassure myself, I know that it's illogical and he is fine. From reading your post I think it would really help to speak to someone about how you feel. You want to enjoy being with your baby not spending all the time worrying what if?

Thankfully the chances of anything happening are vanishingly small, but I know that it's hard sometimes to see that.

When was he born? I would seek counselling but also see what's available locally in terms of meeting up face to face with other mums of relatively new babies, I'm sure you'd find you're not alone.

Do you have a midwife/health visitor who can give you advice on safety/refer you to advice and support services? Perhaps you could google for links for services/social networks for mums/new mums in your area.

At home, I also find having some fairly no-nonsense how to books about looking after baby and baby mags useful, try the library if you can't afford to buy. I've looked up hiccups and sneezes and other things and found the answers reassuring.

I have been diagnosed with PND and attend a support group, but tbh I don't find it a great deal of help and I am really uncomfortable talking in the group environment so that doesn't help. He was born in January, and I really thought it would pass after a couple of months. I have been referred for individual counselling but my GP recommended I wait until the group had finished so I wasn't running different therapy cycles, if that makes sense.

The daft thing is that if he's actually unwell, I can deal with that fine. Like this awful cold he's got at the moment, cracked out the karvol, calpol on standby. We're both coping quite admirably, really.

I think I'll ring the counselling people today and see what they think about doing the two things simeltaneously (sp!!) - I can't see how it can be a bad thing really. Thank you so much. I know everyone has that worry about babies stopping breathing, but this just feels so extreme. I'm reassured that I'm not the only one who feels like this, and you guys have encouraged me to push ahead with the counselling. Thank you again

Well all I can say is some of it I think it part of being a parent. Speaking to my dh he and I are the same. We had x2 mc's before we got pregnant with dd so once pregnant with dd we worried for 40 weeks that things would go wrong...she was born without any problems and is now an adorable 2 year old. We still worry now and even still use a baby monitor with her.

I recently gave birth to our ds (14 weeks) and again throughout the pregnancy we worried, he also was born without any problems BUT at 3 days old he was rushed into our local childrens hospital and now at 14 weeks old has had x2 operations and has another to go...He's ended up with a stoma being fitted and really has been quite ill BUT given all he's been through he's is so content.

Suppose what im trying to say is that as a parent you worry no matter and sometimes it for no reason YET sometimes it is for a reason....
Don't feel bad for feeling bad iykwim and for being so concerned but try and not let it affect you so much. I suffered with pnd with dd and the hv thinks this may be returning following ds's birth..It may be worth getting some help and advice.
Good luck xx

just read your last post..can you pay to go for private counselling..? Thats what I did when expecting ds as I couldn't take medication while pregnant..

My sessions where £30 for an hour and I had around 4 which helped alot...

Thank you Shhh and I am sorry to hear about your mcs. I wish your DS the best of luck for his surgery and a speedy recovery.

I am considering paying for counselling. The place I have been referred to runs two separate services, a time-limited NHS-funded one, or an open-ended private one. Luckily for me the private counselling charges are on a sliding scale and as we are on quite a low income it shouldn't cost me more than £10 or £15 a session. I am definitely going to get help with this and I think I probably need more than six sessions as offered by the nHS. DP, Mum, and assorted others have volunteered the helpful opinion that most of my problems are from before I even got pregnant!

I do understand that worrying yourself sick is inherent in being a parent, it's not being able to sleep I'm so convinced he won't be alive when I wake up that worries me because I just feel that it's so extreme. And as I said in my op, he seems so healthy and is always happy, so there's not even really any justification for feeling this way - we had a healthy pregnancy, relatively straight-forward delivery and he's been fine for the last five months.

Stupid as it sounds, I just can't shake this almost-constant feeling that he's going to be taken away from me, and the idea of life without bob makes me miserable beyond belief.

golly gosh,sorry to say it but you sound exactly how I was with dd and slightly now with ds...

I felt constantly that dd would be taken away from me..not just by health professionsals but by the il's iykwim. I had so many issues with them prior to dd's birth, after her birth and even up till her 1st birthday when things really came to ahead. I honestly felt that they thought I wasn't good enough for them, their son or their gd...TBH atm I couldn't give a shit what anyone thought of my role as a mother or as a wife, all I know if that I have 2 adorable babies and a dh who (i hope) loves me..BUT with the pnd I couldn't see beyond the black hole.

I think also with dd being my 1st that I felt like everyone was waiting to see how I coped being a mother and you know what...I think many of them can see that I have done and am doing a wonderful job with dd and even on my bad days with ds when he looks at me and smiles (usually when Im at breaking point) I KNOW I AM DOING A GREAT JOB. Also the fact that im now on baby 2 proves to others that im old hand at this now .!!
You must remind yourself of this..as I think this is what us mums don't hear enough of. You are a mother and you are being the best mother ever just by being there for your ds.

You are ill atm, pnd is an illness BUT you know what you will be at the top of the hill soon. Believe me, that feeling is great. Although I have only felt it for a few months since dd was born 2 years ago I know what an amazing feeling it is.

You said " DP, Mum, and assorted others have volunteered the helpful opinion that most of my problems are from before I even got pregnant! "

You have got a valid pint there..Mine were. Following the mc's, even though we finally got dd I don't think I ever have (and ever will)forgot my "babies". People move on and expect you to do the same.."oh well at least you have dd" people would say to me...I have 2 adorable babies now BUT a part of me died when I mc.
During my pnd my mum commented that I had changed since having dd...Yes I had changed, I'd become a mum and thats a big thing for anyone to deal with.I felt like I'd grown up 10 years in the space of 12 months.. I still feel like that now, like what dh & I have experienced in 4 years (mc's/pnd/ds illness) some people haven't had in a life time..(inc friends & family)

Your comment about "I'm so convinced he won't be alive when I wake up", this also so could have been my comment. Even now with ds I constantly check his breathing and in my head I can almost hear myself say "he won't be breathing when you return", I remember this with dd and I know things do and will improve. Just wanted to say that your thoughts and feelings are "usual" for someone with pnd/depression.

So whats my next plan..to get ds better and then to focus on myself. I have been so preoccupied with him that I forgot that somewhere is shhhh, I need tlc as well...

So promise me that you will get counselling, I would continue with the group sessions until you can go private. I can honestly say they helped me. Even to have someone to sound off to. Must admit I hated the group sessions idea as it meant me leaving dd with someone and that was a part of pnd I couldn't control..Thats why I opted to go private. Be prepared though for things posibly returning. Just because I had sessions didn't mean I was cured. Suppose in my case it just went away for a while..

Lastly,your ds will be fine. I know you know that BUT you have to believe it. You are a great mum and this is just a small blip. Let me know how you get on xxx

Please don't be sorry for reassuring me! It's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this. I am definitely going to sort out counselling, and in fact I'm going to ring them as soon as I'm done typing this post. Thank you again, I am really grateful for your support.

Well I just called the centre and their office is closed today, but I have left a message so hopefully someone will call me back, and if not I'll phone them again tomorrow. Thank you again.

Mindles......I read your thread yesterday and just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling like this and hope you can get some help soon. you've made the first step which is always the hardest.

I read an article in a mgazine recently about ante/post natal OCD and what you are describing struck a chord with that article. Unfortunately I can't remember where I read it (might have been Good Housekeeping?) but I googled it and found this american article.

Have you spoken to your HV/GP about your feelings? I know it's difficult, but they will be able to help. Good Luck

think im sorry that you are also one of us many mums who is sadly experiencing pnd.... Not something I would wish on my worse enemy im afraid...

I remember my mum and dh asking me more about my pnd as they didn't understand it (glad to say both have been very supportive esp dh who sadly took most of the pnd load..he supported me 100%, even rushing home for 3 hours to ensure he could be home to look after dd while I saw the counsellor..), I remember thinking " how the hell can I explain pnd when I don't even understand it myself.
VeniVidiVickiQV did have a poem type thing that basically summed up how we all feel when hit by pnd. Can't find it but will look...she may post herself..

Welldone on trying to book an appointment today, make sure you chase it tomorrow. xx

Mindles - Im so sorryyou are feeling this way also. I havnt read all of the replies but I couldnt just walk away from this thread. I could have written it word for word! My first DS was born 9 weeks early so went a bit obbsessive checking him in the night, I even spent ALOT of money on the same breathing type moniter they have in NICU!

I calmed down once he got to about 2yrs old! Then I had MC after MC and finally got my baby boy whos 4 months old now. Im driving myself to exhaustion, So much so I make stupid silly mishaps through the day, I scauled my arm on hot water, the very next day I burnt my other arm on the cooker, I swear Im not doing this on purpose its because Im tired. It has to be me that puts them both to bed, I will check on my 5yr old verytime i go the loo or upstairs, and once again before I go to bed. If he doesnt appear to be moving i tickle his face so he does! My 4 month old is still in our room, I usually wake at 4am to pee or something (just habit lately) But I dont go back to sleep cos Im watching him. I am convinced they will be taken from me just like the rest of our babies, Im scared they will get very sick. Ive even daydreamed about having to ring my mother and tell her something bads happen, How I will tell other people etc... I dream about it all the time, wake up in the night crying...

Its awful isnt it, My GP just doubled my Anti D's dose and referred me to a pnd group. Im on a waiting list for councilling too.

Sending big hugs your way xxxx

julez sorry to hear about you as well. Must admit Im also quite absent minded..to busy thinking to far ahead..do silly things such as putting rubbish into the washing machine and washing into the bin . Probably more pregnancy brain though and also given the fact dh's just returned to work (after 16 weeks off with ds) so im at it 24/7..!!

Good luck with the ond though. Mindles, how are you today..? you have gone quiet..xx

I feel exactly the same. My first baby would not have survived a natural labour and for the first 3 days I didn't bond with him as I thought he was going to die. Even now, and he is 6, I keep thinking it is just a matter of time before he or one of my other children dies and it is just a case of which one. Some mornings I daren't go in their rooms in case they have died and I go to sleep having touched wood to make sure they don't die in the night.

and to think that before children we all thought life would be so perfect and that our days would be like it is in movies.......

Gosh you sound just like I was after my youngest son was born. Like yourself I was a nervous wreck and couldn't sleep without constantly checking him ( he was asleep in his crib next to me ) I would wake in a panic thinking he wasn't breathing and sometimes I would have to pick him up to check.

Long story short I had pnd too, I am now on prozac and can see a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

But what I did to try and help my situation was this: I went and bought the Angelcare baby monitor which helped me immensely. It's a normal baby monitor but it has a pad that you put under the baby's mattress. The pad detects the baby breathing, should the baby stop breathing an alarm goes off to alert you. He's now 9 months old and as I type asleep with the monitor still on ( I know I'm neurotic lol ) It might be worth you looking in to buying one.

Really hope things work out for you

it's never occurred to me that I may have had pnd in any form, but I was similarly anxious when mine were small babies. I practically went to sleep with the moses basket on my lap every night and was constantly checking to see if they were still breathing. I was TERRIFIED of cot death.

Mindles, my sister inlaw had ivf, and was told when the embryos were created to be matter of fact about the fact that she could lose ne of the embryo's. At no further stage in the pregnancy was she tolsd she was out of the 'danger zone' and her babies, while in utero, were doing fine. Consequently, after having them, she was convinced that one of the babies would die, she wasn't sure which one but was convinced one would, therefore she didn't want to bond with one rather than the other in case the one she bonded more with, thinking they would 'survive', was the one that would die. She was convinced one baby would be dead in thecot etc... s-i-l had pnd and was on a-d's and had councelling - please don't shy away from these treatments - she feels miles better and only regrets trying to deal with this by herself and not telling some one sooner so the problem c ould be resolved quicker and then - as you want to too - just relax and enjoy and be able to remember happily these brilliant times. Get to the doctors and try to book in with the gp that will be most sympathetic to pnd / pnd related issues. All the best to you - i'm sure you're doing brilliantly as a mum and your little one will love you to bits because your their mum!!

btw we also had an angelcare monitor for dd until she was around 20 months and ds was due. She now has a standard monitor at 2. Some think its bizarre that we still use one for her BUT I don't care! Well I do care,(well maybe worry is the word..) thats why we use one..! .

DS now has the angelcare monitor and we use it along side a video monitor so we can be covered as much as possible. Oh and he's in our room..!!!

just seen this...the old thread is here

but the OP is...

Imagine walking through a lovely meadow. The sun shining. Looking up at a beautiful sky. Bright blue, lots of fluffy white clouds drifting by. Butterflies fluttering amongst the buttercups and daisies. Your fingers brushing the tips of the long grass as you walk.....and then suddenly, you stumble.

You manage to catch yourself after faltering for a bit. You dust yourself down, and keep on walking, admiring the beautiful surroundings. You stumble again, this time falling into a deep, unmarked pit. You keep falling and falling, grabbing out and flailing wildly to try and get a grip on something, anything. After what seems like forever, you stop your slide downwards and hit rock bottom. You are exhausted from your sudden and unexpected decent into darkness.

Before you know where you are, and what has happened, you are at the bottom of a deep hole with no idea how you got there or how to get out. You can see a chink of light in the top, but its quite far away, and you cant trust that the chink of light is the only way out, but you claw towards it anyway, even though you are exhausted and bruised and battered from your fall.

Its a lonely time in this hole. Only you and the darkness. You couldnt see anyone else even if they were there, because of the darkness and coldness of your environment. But once you realise where you are, you know you have to clamber out and,` if you are lucky, someone will pass by and offer a hand of help to pull you out.

Despite being exhausted, and bruised and battered, you clamber you way to the top, and you finally make your way out of the hole. Yet you are still shocked and stunned by what happened. How could you miss such a big hole in front of you? Why couldnt you see it coming? How come no-one before you has fallen into this hole (you think) and not thought to block it up? Many people before you has managed to walk through the meadow without falling into this pit, why couldnt you have seen it coming, or prevented it, or just had a better journey?

You are stood, standing in this beautiful meadow, but all you can think about is the dark hole that you have just fallen into and clambered out of, how sore and aching your body is, and how tired you are. The beauty around you means nothing for a while. But you are grateful to be out, and you realise you should appreciate the beautiful surroundings.

You keep walking, but you find yourself no longer admiring the sky, the clouds, the butterflies, the flowers. You are busy looking at your feet. Concentrating hard, because, you dont want to fall into another pit, and waylaid by your aching bones and tired body.

You lose sight of all the beautiful things around you because you are continuing your journey looking only down at the ground, on alert for danger. You dont appreciate the sky, the clouds, the flowers, the butterflies, because you are too scared of falling down another hole, you still have the bruises from the last fall.

You are terrified that, if you take your eyes off terra firma for a moment, you could slip down that hole again and you wont find your way out so easily this time.

It is a long, lonely journey, spent staring at the ground, before you trust your surroundings, and your instincts enough again to appreciate your journey, and realise its beauty. To wander through the meadow staring at the beautiful blue sky and fluffy white clouds.

Hope it helps. Thanks for the mention Shhhh