Scared of baby dying - anyone know this feeling?

[Mindles]

I feel so stupid for confessing to this, but I have to because I feel really rotten today and keep crying.

Throughout my pregnancy I was convinced I was going to miscarry, or that my baby would be stillborn. He was born healthy and safe, and I thought I'd be ok once I got him home but now I just lie awake in bed listening to him breathe and panicking whenever I can't hear him. It's got to the point where I spend a good hour or two a night lying in bed worrying that if I go to sleep, he'll be dead when I wake up. It's exacerbated at the moment by a bad cough/cold he's caught from my mum, so he's really raspy and blocked up. He is (touch wood) one of the healthiest and happiest babies you could ever meet, and there is no grounding whatsoever for my fears, but I can't make them go away at all. I have spent much of the morning cuddling the baby, and crying and telling him I love him and he must never leave me - what am I doing?? I am so scared that my baby will grow up and his first memory will be of his mother crying all the time. I'm more scared of losing him though. I keep thinking about what it would be like if something did happen to him, and all I can think is that I can't live without him. I'm at a point where I almost feel like I'd rather just die now, and then it can never happen.

There must be someone out there who feels or felt like this? What did you do? Please someone help me, I just feel like I'm losing it altogether.

Mindles, I haven't read the whole thread, but this is exactly how I was. I always thought it was just me being a mother, and that I loved my DS soooo much. Sorry not to be of more help. Just want you to know I understand what you're going through.

i didn't have PND and i used to dream and worry at night trying to go to sleep that what if i died before my kids grow up i think it is natural to worry i am on my own too so i think if i get stressed it brings on other worries and sub conscious thinks up things while you sleep

I don't think it is a pnd thing. When I did have pnd, I didn't worry at all about my baby.

Mindles - I went through something different and yet strangely similar with my DS who's now 10 months.

I had terrible, terrible trouble with breastfeeding and was having to combine it with formula feeding. I had read that formula fed babies are statistically more susceptible to SIDS. Well I started to obsess about it, to the point that I was convinced that if DS didn't get any breastmilk then he would die. This was to the point of making absolutely sure that his night feeds were expressed breastmilk and not formula - I genuinely feared that if he had formula in the night then he wouldn't wake up. And I had real trouble with expressing as well, but I would sit there for an hour or more before bed getting enough milk out drop by drop for the night feeds.

It sounds crazy now of course. Anyway, just to let you know that I can really empathise with you and I hope you can get the support you need.

That sounds awful. I did care about her, I just didn't worry.

It's strange isn't it? Because the flip side of my problems with feeding was that I couldn't bond with him at all and I'd ignore his hunger cries for ages and ages until my DH would bring him to me and MAKE me feed him.

think the thing is that pnd hits us all in different ways.
My situation made me not want anyone other than dh to have dd (im the same now...) and I never wanted to leave her for a moment. I only really trusted her with dh and im the same now also with ds. DH is the same though..who knows maybe its being a aprent or maybe men have pnd as well.....

BTW, medical professionals are now promoting "dummies" on the basis that they can help against SIDS. Funny that, we use one with dd and have done since she was days old..seem to remember being frowned upon by certain health people that its wasn't a good route to go down...

I'm not coping at all well, what else can go wrong.. I feel so numb and hollow. I can't cope with my baby and dp and I are row row row.

I had a terrible birth with complications after my caesarian nearly 3 weeks ago, I lost my dad to cancer this morning and a friend of mine was found dead by her bf on sunday.

I can't believe this is happening. My anger levels are sky high and i'm so tired.

I can't believe my dad has gone

oh god i'm so sorry I posted on wrong thread. I am so not thinking straight... apologies. will post on own thread properly now

I felt exactly like this Mindles.

I think mine came from having an ectopic and 2 m/c before conceiving ds. I never, ever believed the pg would be successful and I kept waiting to m/c again. I worried myself sick throughout the whole 9 months.

When I did actually have ds, it was as if, like you, I just kept waiting for him to die. I took photo after photo just so I would always have something of him if the worst ever happened.

I had the cot with the mat under the mattress too. Nothing really helped with those feelings except time. He is now 21 months and now we don't use the monitor as he rolls off it, and it sets the alarm off. We still always check him when we go to bed and gently put him on his back again, despite knowing that the minute we are out of the room he'll be rolling back over onto his tummy.

I think we all worry about our babies to some degree. I had pnd, and had treatment. I'm off the tablets now and I'm ok.

But that doesn't mean I won't stop worrying about him, that he might stop breathing in the night. The trouble is terrible things do happen to children, you hear about them all the time. You just have to remember that it's so rare and so unlikely to happen to you.

I was and still am sometimes like that about DD. She has a condition which I think shocked me into thinking something else will go wrong(it didn't occur to me in pregnancy that it would but I was all over the place then in a different way). It does get easier. I've got the sleep apnoea moniter, it has really helped but sometimes I still lie awake worrying and the thing you worry about (superstitiously I hate even discussing it)is my worst fear too. It could spoil my day to see a poster about the dangers and so I understand your panic completely. I finally told the dr about a month ago and was prescribed beta blockers. For me this has helped as my worry is mainly at night so I didn't feel anti depressants were what I wanted yet but will reconsider if I feel really bad again. Anyway sorry if thats not very clear but I just wanted to say you aren't alone and it will get easier.