Just need to say this aloud

[MyGastIsFlabbered]

If I could guarantee my kids wouldn't be harmed by it, I'd kill myself tomorrow. I'm perfectly safe because I know my DCs (8&5) would never recover from it. But I just feel so sad that I feel like this. Life feels like it's one long battle and I'm just so tired of it. I'm under MH services already and I have good days and bad days. But, I wish I could just stop.

Hi speckle
I don’t have to tell him, he can see it
No enthusiasm wanting to want to do things, not wanting food, bad sleep and tired plus the crying.
I’d hoped he’d be more there for me, as I would him(as I have been in past, when he was bullied at. Work listening every night for hours)
Supporting him when he eventually couldn’t take anymore and walked out and said he can’t go back
I just think he put himself before me
I don’t expect him to sit with me all day, he can’t stay still enough lol
Both retired, hard to fill your day 24/7

I’m ok till the anxiety chest sensation wake me up and then I think shit another morning

Happy birthday, oh to be 30 again your mums there for you and your little girl. She’s old enough to know about birthdays
I didn’t even want to do anything when it was mine!

Take
Can you not look for another rental

Anyone around? Hardly functioning. No idea at all what I will do when kids back. Too much.

Are you ok @colouringinagain ?

Hi. Been really struggling today. Classically with depression am doing a bit better now. Just feeling so dreadful. A good friend came round for a couple of hours this pm which was v nice. My lovely GP is back next week so will go and see her.

How are you?

I'm glad it's the weekend but feel anxious because I've just packed DS1 off for his first cub camp.

Does anyone else not struggle with the weekends?
I feel worse at weekends because I'm generally alone, with the kids or without and I have no routine to keep me going

I'm alone this weekend and do find them tough. I think I want the time off from my kids when they go to their dad's but I miss them terribly.

Yes v tough. My ds and me in meltdown here. I've had to ring a friend and ask them to come over as I'm loosing it

This came up in active convos-I hope no one minds me commenting. It’s very moving seeing how much support there is here, especially from people struggling with suicidal thoughts providing that support for others.

I’ve been there, and now I’m not. It can get better. You’re all amazing and brave. 💐

How's everyone doing today? I'm seeing a tiny chink of light at the end of this tunnel...feeling a bit more positive, I'm hoping it's the start of better times. But I'll still be here for anyone else who needs to chat/check in/whatever.

So so glad that chink appeared! Hope you are taking very good care of yourself. I hope more people feel able to "say it out loud" it's so important x

Hope the chink is growing.

I'm also seeing a chink, and realising my hormones have a huge part to play. Suicidal thoughts when premenstrual...

I was literally about to ask if you were due on when I read your very last message! Do you feel worse around your period? More depressed, anxious, crazy, suicidal etc?

I just began a thread in women’s health on pmdd. I lose all ability to cope around my period and am a crying, depressed, suicidal wreck. I’ve been prescribed Effexor but haven’t begun it yet.

How do you feel today?

I've never really tracked my mood and my cycle, got to be worth looking into in more detail. My chink is about the same, no bigger but not smaller either. I'm taking each day as a small victory.

Yes Buckys I think there is definitely a connection for me. My personality and mental wellbeing changes soooo much in the 10 days before I'm due on. Just worked out that my one week summer holiday clashes with pls time

Long term depression, AD's, psych evals and various physical illnesses contributing as well as all the usual bits of life.

I started using the free version of Clue period tracker and it was a chuffing revalation. It hasn't cured anything, but it's been a huge help in flagging up additional bumps in the road. I can now look and rationalise things better.

For example: Not sleeping, angry, apathy, hair trigger emotions (all worse than usual). Checked Clue, all this ramping up is clearly linked to hormonal surges.

Knowing this makes me feel better that there's a 'physical' reason that this is happening and that it's down to nature. So I blame myself less, loathe myself less and am kinder to myself because I know it will ease and it's not my fault.

It's finding the little coping mechanisms that are the key - and MN posters have been great at sharing tips. I'd never heard of period trackers until six months ago on a thread on here. Can't remember who recommended Clue, but thank you!