I'm disgusted with myself (warning, thread mentions rape and self-harm)

[Kittycuddles]

Just that really.

I'm pretty sure I'm asexual most of the time after some incidents in my youth of a sexual nature.

Someone tried to force me in to touching them

And older man cornered me in a shop me owned and started to grope me and wanted me to go downstairs to his sex dungeon with him, whilst my friend who knew him just stood and watched

One bf asked for a certain kind of sex and I didn't want to but ended up reluctantly agreeing but as soon as I realised bow much it hurt I started to cry and he put his hand over my mouth to shut me up so that was my fault.

I had to have sex with a partner so he wouldn't abuse me.

My friends have pretty much always been boys.

They tried to spike my drink with an aphrodisiac in a deserted forest but I found out and refused to drink the water.

All people ever seem to ask from me is sexual favours.

And sex makes me feel dirty.

But the bit that makes me a whore.

Is I'm a cam model.

I have various mental health issues and urinary incontanance.

Surprisingly being incontanant ant costs a lot of money.

I am disgusted with myself.

But at the same time think to myself, hey you women on these sites are pretty rad going for it getting that cash.

And in a weird way I Enjoy the cam work. Maybe becaise I just need to feel desired?

I feel like that's all I am worth to anyone I'm friends with really. Sex.

So voila.

I may as well do something useful with mh life.

And before anyone asks no I cannot get a job.

I am agrophobic. I do not go out at all.

Thanks Kitty, you’re very kind. DD is 10 and I really need to think of things to do with her in the holidays. We can cycle into town but other than pokemon go there isn’t really anything to do when we get there. I can’t drive at the moment, I had to ‘voluntarily’ revoke my licence after a period of mania earlier this year so we are very limited as to what we can do and where we can go. How are things for you right now?

I'm great thanks.

I mean I haven't gone insane yet.

My little brother is only a year older than your lo. He is turning 11 this summer and then big school!!

And to be quite honest he stays and plays xbox all day and my and my mum can't understand it but my dad accepts it lmao.

I used to ALWAYS be out playing when I was a kid with my mates every day sunrise till sunset if I could!!

But I guess the things I took the piss out of, no pun intended again, when I was younger about older people not being with the times, I guess that's what Thai situation is.

Lifes loving on, so is technology yada yada but we can't seem to accept that because we think we had a much fetter quality of life back in ye olden days.

I've been alright but struggling massively with my mental health again as my laptop has broken and all my work was on there. Like a hundred poems lost.

The competition I was going to enter I can't now because I have no laptop.

And tbh asides from my writing work and music my only other coping stratagie for depression or anxiety is to skin pick or self harm with a particular sharp object on that part of your body that connects your hands to your arm means your not allowed to sys stuff like that on mn anymore!!

I'm broke again nearly.

No hope of bladder op.

Mental health team deserted me.

Been denied an indwelling catheter

Got ignored for my request for NHS incontanance pants

Ruined my parents carpet peeing on it and they have to pay to have it cleaned and I am just soaked in piss and smelling of piss all the time.

It's awful.

I just want my laptop back.

Oh Kitty what a depressing list and to have lost all your work on your laptop, that’s heartbreaking. You don’t seem to be having a good time of it at all, the incontinence situation sounds pretty unbearable. Can your gp help or do they just leave you with the mental health team? I hope you have managed not to self harm, I used to pick my skin but seem to have stopped in the past six months, not sure why or how, I just have. Is there any way your laptop can be fixed?

No my gp leaves it to the mental health team to get me mentally well enough to go for an app about it, they said its not their problem. And the laptop can't be fixed no :(

I know it sounds spoilt cause its just a laptop but to me the laptop meant things., good things.

I've been skin picking a bit and mildly cut myself but tbh in a way it puts me off picking my skin because of how badly my skin looks. Now covered in scar tissue all across one shin, half the other shin, my face, chest and arms all have multitudes of scars now unfortantly.

The incontanance thing is getting me down I guess cause I'm fed up of being embaressed and smelly of urine, fed up of being broke because I have to replace all the things I peed on.

Sorry I went on a bit of a moan there.

How are you? Xx

And thank you for listening reading

Moan as much as you want/need to. I don’t think you’re spoilt to be upset about your laptop, it was clearly a good coping mechanism for you. It’s terrible that you are not being better supported esp over the incontinence, that must be horrendously difficult to cope with both emotionally and practically.

Thank you :)

Yeah the incontinence not being managed means I leak urine to my mattress, have to replace it, duvets, clothes all constantly washed for urine spillages but still smell and one day's worth of pants if like seven quid. I just can't do it anymore.

Laying in a wet bed smelling of pee in uncomfortable wet blankets of urine and sheets covered in urine just sucks

It sounds unendurable. Do the mental health
team say it’s a mental issue rather than
a physical one? Surely they realise people
can be mentally ill AND have physical health problems. The cost of pants sounds exorbitant, but mentally it must all really get you down. Wish I had something helpful to say, I’m aghast that you are left to deal with such a huge problem by yourself with no support.

The mental health team at first thought my incontinence was in my head and even told the Dr to tell me that too!

They used it as ammo towards trying to section me because 'wetting yourself is just not normal behaviour'

Bloody hell Kitty, that’s awful.

Well I've found out I get no help woth incontanance supplies in terms of pants and have started my period again so utter blood Bath.

How are you doing 4?

Period and incontinence combined sounds nightmarish. I’m doing ok, on day 11 of not smoking and managing to go out most days, doing a lot of pokemon go which takes my mind off my self consciousness
and gives me a focus. Met with my cpn today, she is quite annoying, keeps wanting me to focus on my diagnosis (bipolar) whereas I want to just be me and not have my illness be all there is to me if that makes sense.

typical nhs mental health bs. op can you not just go? it's pretty much they can section you but let them.

if you are not getibgbthe proper treatment from them they can go f themselves.

Well done 4!

But I know the feeling of being seen as your illness.

And no I willingly went to a ward a few months back and it traumatised me for like. Like. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD.

I still remember shivering in a really bright white medical room in the early hours of the morning saying I just wanted to go to bed whilst male nurse told me I had to pull my top down for the ecg.

I had no bra on.

I hated it and it felt undignified.

There was a woman in the room but she didn't do anything or really offer any help

Don't think are was allowed tbh

I understand that you could have ptsd from ward experiences. The ward I was on was ok but prior to that I spent a night somewhere else and my experiences there were beyond horrific and have scarred me. My cpn wants me to make a complaint but I think I’m too scared to. Pathetic to be so scared but what if I end up back there and they knew I’d complained? I’m seriously not sure I could survive another experince
like that. Your experience sounds horrific. Why are we treated so badly because of our mental health? It makes me feel so worthless and despairing.

I know. Its terrible. I want to make a difference.

And j know what you mean about true whole worrying about them knowing you complained.

I'm terrified of explaining how I feel in case they make me go back :(

I'm gunna write a letter to my mp.

I want to make a difference but dunno. How.

Petitions?

My cpn said nothing changes because no one complains. So maybe we should make
complaints, I don’t know whether to or not. I think I should but I feel sick at the thought of it. They have so much power over us when we are at our most vulnerable and powerless.

How are you doing @Kittycuddles?