I'm disgusted with myself (warning, thread mentions rape and self-harm)

[Kittycuddles]

Just that really.

I'm pretty sure I'm asexual most of the time after some incidents in my youth of a sexual nature.

Someone tried to force me in to touching them

And older man cornered me in a shop me owned and started to grope me and wanted me to go downstairs to his sex dungeon with him, whilst my friend who knew him just stood and watched

One bf asked for a certain kind of sex and I didn't want to but ended up reluctantly agreeing but as soon as I realised bow much it hurt I started to cry and he put his hand over my mouth to shut me up so that was my fault.

I had to have sex with a partner so he wouldn't abuse me.

My friends have pretty much always been boys.

They tried to spike my drink with an aphrodisiac in a deserted forest but I found out and refused to drink the water.

All people ever seem to ask from me is sexual favours.

And sex makes me feel dirty.

But the bit that makes me a whore.

Is I'm a cam model.

I have various mental health issues and urinary incontanance.

Surprisingly being incontanant ant costs a lot of money.

I am disgusted with myself.

But at the same time think to myself, hey you women on these sites are pretty rad going for it getting that cash.

And in a weird way I Enjoy the cam work. Maybe becaise I just need to feel desired?

I feel like that's all I am worth to anyone I'm friends with really. Sex.

So voila.

I may as well do something useful with mh life.

And before anyone asks no I cannot get a job.

I am agrophobic. I do not go out at all.

Don’t get this erased Kitty, stay and talk to us.

Because I stupidly posted another thread when I was feeling really down and my God the amount of hate I got from it was astounding.

I know it sounds stupid because its strangers on the internet but nearly every time I have posted on here so far someone if not the whole thread of people or majority of, have been complete dicks and it makes me hate myself even more.
I wanted to believe in the things I wanted to believe in.

NEVER start threads in AIBU!

People enjoy being blunt and a little mean on AiBU. I guess they expect the OPs to be prepared for a piling on (which isn't always the case). Don't take it personally, it really isn't at all about you as they have no idea who you are.

As 4dogs said, do stay and talk.

Thank you

I feel guilty saying them mean things earlier, so I don't think I could handle being mean to people on Aibu but that might be because I now immediately worry about someone being upset but I think that's just because I can't imagne ever being without mental illness!!

Everyone on this thread has been kind and caring. Take the love from here and know that there are people, strangers, who really do want what’s best for you.

Glad you’re still here Kittty.

You're cam modelling in the house with a primary school aged child living there?

@mummy and @4dogs

Thank you

That's so so so true. How are you both today?

And @parellel...... Point is?

Any time I worked it was like 11pm to 3am cam time AND no one knew I was cramming AND I was in a separate part of the building to what he was in.

So please don't start to make me feel ba thgere. Please.

Feel bad **

I’m actually feeling more or less ok today kitty which is nice because I had been very depressed and suicidal for a couple of months. You say you can’t imagine being without mental illness, I get that, but could you imagine it having less of an impact on you? Has there been a time when it was less invasive than it is now?

Ah Im sorry you feel so low all the time but I am glad you feel good today!

Yeah I have been getting suicidal thoughst a LOT recently. Not acting on them tho dw.

Yeah I used to carry on with life even when I panicked but its just so hard to remember, especially since I took a few drug overdoses last year and I suffered short term memory loss and tbh my memory has never really come back properly :( Which is good in a way but also I don't quite understand about Love. I love my family I think I am just a bit jaded against romantic Love if you know what I mean?

So pretty much all I remember now is being agrophobic at home.

I also tend to muck up words a lot actually and got worried about it, I wonder if that's all damage from the drugs last year to my brain?

What do you think?

Also I'm VERY VERY panicky rn because my paranoia and psychosis gets triggered by seemingly inane things sometimes and I knelt on a broke/smashed/cracked a small mirror in a make up compact today and I am shitting myself terrified of seven years bad luck and trying to find out ways online to reverse the bad luck. :(

So if you know anything please do let me know!

I don’t know of any ways of reversing bad luck except to not believe in it! Did you hurt yourself when you knelt on it? I think anxiety and depression can have a negative impact on memory and even speech. I know if I am mega anxious my words come out wrong and my memory can be scarily rubbish when I’m depressed. I know you don’t go out but do you get outside, maybe in the garden, at all? Daylight is so good for the brain, do you get any at all? Were last year’s overdoses suicide attempts?Glad you are not trying now. I have had quite a good day today and been out three times, just a week ago I could barely set foot in my garden so I’m pleased to have progressed a bit.

I spend so much time in my garden! I am scarily tan for an agrophobic lol.

THATS SO GOOD!! WELL DONE!! Bloody hell that might not sound like much to others but that's a bloody HUGE achievement!

I know I don't ACTUALLY know you but I am so flippin proud!

WELL DONE!!

I didn't hurt myself no but thanks, the glass was covered but I get even more superstitious the worse my anxiety/ OCD/ Paranoia/ Psychosis is haha.

The Drugs overdoses weren't like full on intentional suicide attempts but I think subconsciously I just wished I wouldn't wake up again.

NB. I am completely sober from drug and alcohol abuse now! :) :)

I was bored, frustrated, anxious and angry and drugs numbed everything and knocked me out but also I lost a LOT of days to the blackness that drugs bring and that's why I wondered if it permanently affected my brain.

I spoke to a DR today on the clinic list I think it was because I had forgotten but suddenly remembered that last night as I was falling asleep I started to convulse almost like get full body spasms and he reckons I had a myoclonic seizure :(

I'm now even more terrified about my health in terms of my brain and am really scared because apparently the internet tells me that people with them kinds of seizures often have tonic clonics as well.

And my older bro has them. :(

Hi there, I’m sorry you feel so bad.

I too have been told my psychological services that my illness and disability are in my head and I “mustnt let ‘this’ become a thing” pointing to my body and me on wheels... as I explained I would need reasonable adjustments making for my disability as I can’t make weekly appointments, as I’m mainly bed bound and expend ginormous amounts of physical health to attend appointments, which cause physical injury and symptoms that last for days after.

And I have a diagnosed illness!

Oh and half my family has died of this trivial little illness that’s all in my head!

But hey, that’s obviously not enough for some within the mental health profession who carry their stereotypes and grandiose judgements in front of them as shields to avoid seeing the reality of physical illness.

Much more comfortable for them to pretend to themselves that people don’t really live with such pain and suffering day in day out.

I think in years to come we will look back on this era in mental health care as somewhat akin to the way we view Bedlam mental asylums. We have not moved on nearly as far as we think.

Im sorry your having such a shit time of it too!

That's so sad that they cant accept your situation. I know they seem to blame an awful lot on NHS funding and such, but the thing is they don't seem to do things to cut back the costs.

I know they say hospitals are overfull and overflowing with people who don't need to be there and such, but maybe if we had door systems as in a primary and secondary ambulance service then it might work better.

As in you call an ambulance for someone they go straight through in to the A&E majors ward for treatment. If it was someone you would take normally to A&E yourself you could phone the second number and they will advise you as to whether to go in or not, and if they re instated some of the OOH drs then they could advise people to go there instead!!

I know it would cost initial money to do probably but think of how much less stressed and over worked the nurses and drs could be.

Why cant we spend the money used on stupid things like bans on selling sweets near tills and the money that might be used enforcing them, I don't know if it does cost anything but I would presume it does in this day and age, to open specialised mental health centres like OOH for mental health crisis's

I just really don't know if it is lack or training, money or empathy any more :(

Sorry that was a stupid rant! haha

And as for the bedlum asymlums comment!

That got me thinking and its so true!

Quite scary to think of us being the bedlam patients of this era BUT when you think about it and people looking back at old case files in the future of mental patients then think about how bad they might feel? Or how appaling they might think the services provided to the mentally ill.

In a way its almost validation to think, hey, Bedlam asylums modern counterpart is community treatment, and we ARE being treated unethically in regards to mental health problems and we ARE being neglected the mental health care we need!

Not to mention the mental health help we deserve!

I think I must be really lucky cos I have had good community mental health care. I think it is a postcode lottery though and it’s dreadful that your physical illnesses are being ignored and put down to mental health. You can be physically ill AND mentally ill at the same time!! How’s everyone feeling today? I’m a bit down compared with the past few days, think it’s because I have no appointments to keep so I need to motivate myself today, not sure if I can!

I'm glad you got help anyway @4

Im worry you feel a bit down today :(

I'm good great thanks apart from the niggling depressed black dog following me around recently/today.

I felt down this morning but I walked the dogs then cycled into town to look for some
clothes (complete fail) and got a vape cos I want to cut down/give up smoking. So that killed some time which is good. I do feel
pretty bored and lonely a lot of the time
tho. Anyone else feel like that?

That's great you did that! Well done!!

Do you feel better having been out and killed some time?

I do understand where your coming from re the loneliness tho dw.

I obviously don't have a huge amount of friends and the mates I do have work or live far away so its of course not as viable to see them a lot as it is if you were going out.

I think its easy to not see why people become so anxious after staying in for a long time, I thought all that 'forgetting the outside world' world bollocks in kidnap movies was just that, bollocks.

Then I realised just even being at work, shopping, if your out you are AROUND people, even if you don't talk to them. But probability is you will interact with SOMEONE at least.

Inside I think you sometimes it is easy to forget the outside world, for me at least because after a few years of agrophobia I can barely remember what outside my house or garden looks like.

I think I would probably get lost if I went out!

It seems like looking at a travel brochure as a kid, like the turquoise lagoons and sun drenched beaches with sand the colour of the sun and the sea a perfect, clear azure blue.

Just a myth.

I completely get what you’re saying. Not being around people for ages made me start to get agoraphobic to the extent I could barely set foot in the garden. This week I have been making myself go out every day, luckily I had some medical appointments so I had go out and today I wanted to get a vape and look for clothes in charity shops. I am scared that if I don’t find a reason to go out every day outside will become a distant and scary place and I will just stay inside. I’m very out of practise when it comes to people though. My dh is going away next week for a week and I’m dreading it because I won’t speak to another adult while he is away. Just realised how sad that is. I think I need to look for voluntary work of some sort but I don’t feel I have any skills to offer.

That's a shame your going to feel so lonely when your DH is away :(

At least you still have us on here!

I know its not exactly the same but its better than nothing I guess.

Well done you for going out tho!!

EVERYBODY has something to offer they just don't know it yet, Even a murderer has something to offer, even if its just the upper arm strength required to guide an old lady across the street. Doesn't mean he isn't a bad person but he still had something to offer iyswim. It may seem insignificant and small but to that old lady it could have meant the world.

Maybe that gave her to confidence to carry on going out and relying on the kindness of strangers to help her if she ever got in trouble, which might prompt someone to install extra crossing guards for the elderly etc.

What do you LIKE? I'm sure we could find SOMETHING you like doing and are good at doing!

Maybe someone should set up a website or skype group for lonely women of mn ;)

A bit of face to face communication or typing for the shier of us, and a place to learn new things, like teach each other skills we have like a skill set exchange to bring SOME form of fulfilment style feeling to our lives haha

Having a few conversations on here means a lot to me at the moment and does stop me feeling so isolated and alone. I look forward to replies and hearing from others like you Kitty. I know everyone is meant to have some useful skills but I really don’t feel that I have any. I might see if I can volunteer in a charity shop but I’m terrified they will turn me down cos I’m too ugly or badly dressed or something. I probably won’t do anything til September tho as wouldn’t be able to do it over school holidays. I have no idea how I’m going to fill our time over the summer, dd will prob spend most of her time on the computer which makes me feel like a very shit parent.

Sorry I didn't reply sooner!!

First of all some one as lovely as you couldn't POSSIBLY be ugly.

Second my fashion sense is pro ably absolutely appalling dreadful but it's a you do you boo situation really isn't it?

And thirdly but by bo means lastly

How old is your daughter sorry nosy

And second of all, welcome to the technological age babe.

Just cause your kid uses the Internet it doesn't make you a shit parent. Xx

Promise x