60 now and can’t take anymore anxiety and non stop thoughts

[Haribogirl]

I’m not feeling sorry for myself by any means.
I’ve had anxiety/depression since I was about 22, some good years without any but then would come back somewhere down the line.
I’d say mainly situation/ change starts it off, but feel I’m never strong enough to shrug it off and it escalates sometimes big time.

Got it again at the moment, since October (suppose I’ve always got low level, when not so bad episodes)
Every morning is the same mostly I wake up with surge of adrenaline in the pit of my stomac and chest, this then starts the auto thoughts off.
It’s like I’m on a treadmill the same routine everyday.

I know everyone as routine, so why does mine have such a big effect on me,
I don’t work, had to give it up 15 yrs ago because of how bad it got and the massive impact it was having on my life it became too much.
Everyday I say to myself “ what can I do today”. This as become a newish thought past year, I’ve just plodded on before never even thought about what to do.
It brings my mood down even before I start to get up out of bed.
Why the hell I've let this take over, it’s the second thing that happens and the adrenaline thing.

I think it may have happened since Partner retired!!
He’s a very positive person, sometimes black/white person
But I don’t think I’ve ever seen him down in 16 yrs, always doing something. Don’t think he can relax, as I’ve never seen him watch a full tv programme wether that be sport or not.
So ever afternoon he says” what do you want to do now”
Why does he have to have a plan? And need to go out, once in morning for food then again after lunch till about 3.30-4pm
He says he can’t stay in, because he’s in all night, but he’s not because he goes for walk pm for 30 mins every night. Bed is 11-15pm till 7am

I’m not a people’s person, never had lots of friends. Suppose I’m quite a loner, because when I’ve made friends and they have called round
I want them to go. ( god I sound horrible person) or mention going for coffee I get panic feelings.
I don’t like social events, visiting family etc. When anxiety is there, as I think, what if I have an attack. When this as happened I avoid it again, I know I shouldn’t because then anxiety is winning and I’ve no life too.

I’m on Diazepam now just to calm me down and able to get me out of the house( not always possible) I get angry with myself that it takes a lot of effort and I can’t just do it anymore.

I’ve upped my meds venlafaxine but didn’t see any improvement, I started getting heavy chest symptoms (not palps) told Gp so now have to go for stress echocardiogram. I havnt had them for weeks now since reducing venlafaxine.
Tried beta blockers, instead of Diazepam, was getting low blood pressure . So off them .

Sick of trying to take mind of things and thinking I have to keep doing something so I won’t get the thoughts
It feels like what I do is a chore , rather than enjoying it,
maybe because I’ve got this thing going round my head “what can I do” rather than wanting to do it.

I’m probably waffling now, it’s hard to explain to people.

So I pushed myself to the shops, thought I’d go get some plants for the garden.
Driving there I suddenly get the wave of just going down in mood and wanting to cry but yet feeling numb . Pushing on anxiety high in background but got there.

Can’t seem to lift myself, like something holding me back from being happy/normal when doing things.
Pushed on, never buckled and went supermarket. Didn’t rush took my time as not to build up more adrenaline.
Just got back now, stomach is empty I’m starving but don’t want it
Can’t wait till I enjoy food again.

Partner will be back soon, and I feel so flat and numb
He will come back full off it, what he’s done and how great it was etc
It’s so hard to feel interested in when he’s going on about it. I feel really bad
He says I need a hobby, something I’m passionate about
Thing is I don’t have a passion, I like things like doing garden but not passionate about it, also reading,tv colouring.

I feel so alone with this, he is very good with me under the circumstances

Don’t have anything useful to say but didn’t want to read and run. Sounds like you did well today as you went to two places. I am experiencing a deep depression atm and struggle to go outside, managed to mow my lawn earlier tho. Sorry things are so tough for you.

That does sound exhausting, Haribogirl. I’ve had that adrenalin surge on waking every morning before but thankfully not at the moment.

If changes leading from your partner’s retirement has made things more difficult then at least that can possibly be altered. Does he have a reasonable understanding of depression and anxiety, even though he’s not experienced it? There are some good articles for DPs.

Have you tried anything in addition to the drugs, talking therapy etc? I don’t want to suggest things that you may have already tried.

And for today: bloody well done on pushing through and going to the supermarket.

Thank you so much for reading and answering, means a very lot when your feeling alone

4dogs(does that mean you have)
Sorry your going they this shitty thing also.
I’ve been where you are quite a few times and only just a month back was scared to go out on my own and drive the car, was bit better with dp but nowhere near right

Brilliant you had the energy and determination to do the grass as it takes a lot to muster up enthusiasm doesn’t it when feeling so low
It’s getting out into the garden that’s keeping me going at moment
not that I know what I’m doing with plants.
How long as yours been going on?
Do you have anxiety also?
Hope your managing ok, do you have much support?

Auntyelle
Dp does have some understanding, but because he’s so determined/competitive doesn’t seem to let anything stop/get him down
I never even seen him breakdown/cry at his dads((his best friend) funeral
Today when he got back, as I said he would he was full of passion of his outing. It was only when I started crying and said I’d had a shitty day and hate being like this
He said “I can’t sfford for you to bring me down”
Kissed me and said you’ve got to not let it get to you then carried on with his own thing for about hour and half and then said I’ve ordered tea
I’d been in the garden to try take my mind of things
Sometimes I think because he can get through and still do things
I should.
I think if I asked him not to go somewhere. It really wouldn’t go down well. His face would say it all
He’s the type, if you’ve had words
Will act 2 mins later like nothing’s been said.

Over the years I had numerous talking therapy’s
I’m waiting to see psychologist(nhs)
It’s taken 8 mths and a fight from me & gp.
I was under secondary care 6 yrs ago, gp asked psych to see me again and she just said up her meds
I’ve had 2 visits to a&e and still no move
Nhs is dead regarding mental health
Well in my area

Thank you both

Goodness, you really have been through it, Haribogirl.
I kind of get your DP feeling that he can’t afford to get down too. Sounds like he deals with difficult feelings by not doing his damnedest not to feel them, and that works up to a point for some people.

Sometimes I think because he can get through and still do things
I should.
This as I’m sure you already know is ‘depressed thinking’ - your brain trying to tell you it’s your own fault and just get on with it. But your DP is not depressed so the comparison is pointless. (I do it too tho!)
I’ve found reading helpful at times, especially when the MH services are so limited.
I love Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion. It sounds a bit happy clapping at first but she’s researches it all rigorously:

And Paul Gilbert, there’s free resources here, podcasts and videos:
compassionatemind.co.uk/resources
If you haven’t read it I think Susan Jeffers’ book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway is re
It’s so great that you can appreciate gardening.

My post went a bit wrong at the end there...

Susan Jeffers’ book is really practical and sensible (ignore the awful title, it’s more about managing anxiety and creating a life you can cope with):
www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence/dp/0091907071/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_1?psc=1&pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=0091907071&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=5587271662848339759&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=yGQq0&pf_rd_r=BB2YZMTME7KG38809ZHN&pf_rd_s=mobile-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=Hyu1d&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=mobile-dp-sims&refRID=BB2YZMTME7KG38809ZHN&pd_rd_r=250d0d2d-6696-11e8-bb31-cd3bac393d1d

Although they also have an abridged version for 90p: www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Anyway-Quick-Reads/dp/1785041126?tag=mumsnetforum-21

And it’s available as an audio book if you can’t face reading. It might seem a slightly glib recommendation when you have had ongoing serious MH issues, but I found it helpful at one of my worst times.

Thanks Elle

I don’t know what I expect him to do really? When I’m not good
I suppose for him to pretend I’m not ill and to some extent ignore me and get on with his stuff/hobbies

I really think when it comes to other people he can just switch off and divert
He’s very routine oriented probably worse now retired
He still get up at 7 and bed 11.10
Most things are done by time, and very very rarely changes.
There’s not s chance he’d ever be depressed

I can get angry with myself, like today and say
Just get on with it. Do it
Think I’ve had it said to me that many times
And I do know it’s only me who can do it
I get waves from being ok to feeling numb and flat
There’s seems no end

I’ve read feel the fear
Also got other books, cd and listen to meditation and hypnotherapy tapes
Some I can take in or I’ve forgot what been said or I’ve read!

Thanks for the suggestion

Just saw this interesting thread:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3266829-To-think-I-ll-never-get-better-from-anxiety

i have quite a lot of support from the mental health team but it just isn’t helping, and yes i have 4 dogs but think i need to rehome them as have been unable to walk them for weeks due to anxiety and depression.

Wow you’re one of the fortunate ones 4, hope I do
I have to go for an assessment secondary care in 3 weeks, hope they can offer me something there’s not a lot available in my area(funding) no cpn’s anymore!
And prob a lot more since I was with them 6 years ago. That’s why gp & myself have had to literally fight for this. 8 mths

So sorry to hear about your dogs, I bet you love them. Sometimes a cuddle from a pet can lift you a bit.

Do you live on your own 4 ?
If you don’t mind me asking u cam pm me if you don’t want to write it here
What support do you get from mh
Are you secondary care
Only asking because if you don’t know what’s available they don’t always suggest (funding)

Take care and be kind to yourself

I don’t know how to PM! I have dd(10) and a dh but he is fed up with me being depressed. I guess I am lucky with the mental health team but I just feel so stuck in depression right now. Does your vary day to day or do you feel the same all the time?

I can be ok for few days (anxiety will be there, but. Copeable anxiety)
Then another day, I can wake with high anxiety and the ruminating starts , why , bodily symptoms, nausea etc
It can bring me right down and can take couple days or more to get back up.
I can feel okish then get wave of flatness out of the blue.

Are you on meds?

My dp I can see gets pissed if with me sometimes but I think it’s because he doesn’t know what to do. He’s do positive
Which pisses me off, as I think he thinks I can just switch it off

Waking up feeling anxious is vile, i hate waking up like that. I’m on lots of meds as have bipolar so olanzapine, fluoxetine and now lithium for the past week which also means blood tests. Are you on meds?

I really recommend you look for a good Hypnotherapist. Hypnotherapy is incredibly helpful for depression and anxiety. You don't have to live this way!

What do you do at the moment that's physical?

If anxiety is in your body then physical activity can shift it.

I know it's hard to motivate but if you can find anything that gets you moving it will improve your mood.

Things that you can do in the house - creative visualization where you check in with each body part in turn ; yoga with Adrienne on youtube; dancing to your favourite music.
If you can get out, I find swinging on a hammock or playground swing helps.
If pelvic floor permits, trampoline is amazIng.
I go swimming and like to float in the pool.

Anything sensory can be grounding.
If you're able to get plants for the garden try to find ones that you can sit beside and sniff. I have lemon verbena, lemon balm, chocolate mint, a lilac bush, lemon thyme (theme developing) but you might like lavender.

An aromatherapy burner could also help with this.

Moving your body and staying grounded can help you cope.

It is sounding like this anxiety has worsened since you've had less down time alone, now that your partner is with you more. Can you ask him to take himself off for periods of time so you can have time to yourself?

4
Yer I’m on venlafaxine and 2mg Diazepam (past3 weeks daily)

Cherry
I’ve been to hypnotherapist/ psychotherapist 3 times @£80 session
And also got access to hypnotherapy downloads for different problems
Didn’t see any improvement,

Super
When I’m feeling okish, I’m out in the garden, I’m cleaning round the house.
Anxiety stops me from socialising quite a lot so gyms and classes are sometimes very hard to go to

I’m thinking of getting a bike

I’ve got candles, and spend ££ on neals yard aromatherapy burner( sent it back) but might get cheaper one.
I’ve got aromatherapy oils lavender for bath and put on my feet with carrier oil.
I’m going to go to accupunture when the lady gets back from China

DP drives me mad sometimes, as he gets up at 7am he bring me coffe around 8.30 and start going on
What he’s done
What do we want from shops

I’ve just woke up. Aghh

Then after lunch, it’s
Where we going today, it’s your day ( I don’t always have somewhere to go) want do you want to do/go
He can’t stay in/round the house, he HAS to go out. Morning/afternoon and then around 7 goes for a walk round the block for 30 mins

Haribogirl, please be careful with the diazepam. I say that from bitter experience. It should only be taken very short term and ideally when especially needed rather than daily. Please discuss with your doctor again before continuing past 3 weeks. I’ve attached page from NHS website.
It’s ideal in an emergency and very short-term, but taken longer term it is likely to cause physical dependence.

Can you tell your DP to give you more space?

If he keeps up like this you will be one of those widows who suddenly gets a burst of energy after decades of irritation and misery.
It's hard to to communicate directly but it's worth it.

Elle
Gp doesn’t seem to worried at the moment
It’s only 2mg and I do know there addictive and I am scared of becoming dependent on them
But she said we will wean down
when I’m not so anxious/agoraphobic

Super
Because he’s so used to routine
I think he thinks I have to be
I djnt always know early morning
What I want to do,what I want for lunch or what’s for tea
I could time him within 10 mins of his routine for the day! It never changes

Don’t tealky understand what you mean by
Widow with burst of energy after decades of irritation and misery ??
Can you explain
I get the irritation and do get pissed well off. Widow?
It will be me first, he’s fit as a fiddle

I’ve mentioned how it’s red rag to a bull with me in the morning
And he’s said ok will make the list the night before for the shopping
I don’t know the night before!

It will be ok for week or so then back as usual
Routine routine routine

It's just a phenomenon I notice at church. Women are quiet and miserable and irritated by their partners after they retire. It doesn't get sorted. Then when their partners die they suddenly get a new lease of life. It seems mainly gender specific but it's been like that for my dad too.

If you find a way of communicating about how you feel directly then you both have the opportunity to meet one another's needs.

It's just really wearing and a drain on your energy to live with someone who is rubbing you up the wrong way all the time

I had a GP who didn’t stick to the guidelines re diazepam, and honestly, you don’t want to be in the position of weaning off them. Also, unless you’re very sensitive to benzos, 2mg is unlikely to do a huge amount to reduce your anxiety across a whole day. But it is hard to taper down even from a small dose. Not for everyone, but it is a significant problem. It’s weighing up the risk versus the benefits.

Super
I’ve hard numerous “talks” it will go ok for couple weeks, then it creeps back in again.
When at home with someone most of the day/night, and they have the same routine day in day out within 10 mins, it irritates me.
When I’ve mentioned it he says “ everyone as routine, I’m used to it from when I was at work”
Thing is also if I’ve mentioned something he will turn it and say
“ Am I ok to put this wash in or is it ok if I have a shower now”
I don’t know what irritates me more ( I sound perfect, but I’m not how can I be with anxiety/depression)
But, I do not run by the clock,

I eat when I’m hungry, not ruled by 7.30, 12 5.30
I go to bed/ get up when I’m ready, not 11.10- 7am because that’s the time I’m used to getting up
I go out, if I won’t to, not because I can’t stay in the house
Go for evening walk come rain/shine/snow. Because I’ve done it for last 4 years, and it’s me time. Doesn’t like it if I say I’ll come with you, too slow for him.

I question I’m I being unreasonable many times, and it’s me who doesn’t have routine!! He’s not going to change, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep bringing it up. I’ve even in the past suggested separate apartments!! When he’s really pissed me off

,

Elle
I get what your saying, I don’t know if I’m sensitive, I know if I’ve taken 5 mg when super anxious it’s made me extremely tired and I’ve fallen asleep,

I know I have had bad days still on taking 2mg and next day been fine after morning anxiety symptoms and taken 2mg (mind over matter)??

How are you doing Haribogirl?

Hi
Past 2 days I’ve been feeling ok, managed sainsburys on my own only about 15 mins but I had no anxiety hardly. So was really pleased with myself.
Was going to do bit gardening pm, but felt sooo tired so put my feet up and watched soaps on tv instead

Today went for coffee with dp, sat outside in the sun.
Came back and put 2 plants in garden, DP was getting to me as he just stands there and looks on.
So I told him to get watching as he’s going to start doing the turning soil/ digging etc, he just cut the grass!

Later I could feel my mood dip, waves off going down. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting stressed/wound up
I’m going to keep a note and see if it is this .

How are you today?
How you doing on the lithium? Do you get start up SE ?
Why do you have to have blood test on that med? Is it really strong or something?