Trying to stay off antidepressants - how else can I help myself?

[applelolly]

So.... I came off ads(citalopram 20mg ) on March 1st.I have been on and off them for about 10 years and most recently took them for about 3 years. I reduced really, really slowly over many, many months. I rode out the mad mood swings that I always get initially when coming off them. But 3 months later and I really struggling again.. I absolutely do not want to go back on them for many reasons. I have nothing against using medication when it is needed, and being on these has really helped me in the past. But currently I KNOW that it is really just a lot of contributing stresses and my sitaution that is getting to e me and no amount of medication is going to change that. I cant change my situation much for the next few years so have to find ways to manage it.
I have been doing:
daily meditation - this has helped definitely
more exercise and taken up running again. Now exercising 5 times a week
Eating more healthily - I need to loose a lot of weight - have lost 2 stone so far
Cut down alcohol
Have deliberately cut down on the amount I do for other people around the house - need to continue to work on this
Been reading more and watching less mindless tv

But I'm still struggling! what else can I do to help myself. I seem to be ok through the week when I'm at work but by the end of Sunday evening I am tearing my hair out.

what else have you tried to help with stress/low mood/anxiety?

@applelolly Sorry you are feeling so rubbish today.
I think your list has been such an inspiration. I've saved it for my ds, who on a good day talks really enthusiastically about coming off his medication. But he, like you, can't necessarily start on a bad day.

I just wanted to let you know, that now you've got the list, you will have the energy to put it all in place one day, but by bit.

thanks beachy I am just writing today off , early night and a fresh start with my list tomorrow. I hope your ds might find something useful on the list.

With my teens they each had a laundry basket that anything - clothes, shoes, school books, the lot - would get dumped in if they left a mess. at least you can see the floor again that way.

And though I deplore them not taking more responsibility themselves, that ship has probably sailed till they are living on their own/with mates, so I just ask them to do particular jobs - empty dishwasher, clean bathroom basin, hoover stairs or whatever. They usually comply, as there really isn't any reason for them not to! Even if it doesn't make a massive difference to the state of the house, it really helps how I feel about them!

And sorry you are feeling shit. Rotten evening (here, anyway) but can you get out for a walk and enjoy the birdsong?

thanks gladys I am ashamed to say my dc are totally spoiled (not in a monetary sense but by the fct I have always done everything for them)and as a result very lazy. although that is slightly unfair as they do all work very hard at school and are really good kids in many, many ways but when it comes to contributing the household tasks they are hopeless. I realise this is my fault as I have somehow managed to raise them this way.If I asked them to do anything , eg even empty the dishwasher, it would cause no end of arguing about it so I just don't bother anymore. The fact is though they are all perfectly happy to live in a total dump of a house. They don't even notice it. But it REALLY gets me down so I end up doing all the cleaning/tidying because I cant live in the chaos and I haven't got the emotional energy anymore to face the arguments trying to get dc to help and so the whole cycle continues.

I should have gone for a walk. I was meant to be going for a run but didn't manage that, then couldn't even summon up the motivation to go for a walk. Even though I KNOW it would have helped. I just don't understand why I find it so hard to do things sometimes even when I know they will help. I'm actually going to go to bed now as I need to put today behind me and hope I wake up in a better mood tomorrow.

I'm off work tomorrow and to be honest I wish I wasn't . I am so much worse when I'm at home. and that makes me really sad that I feel like that. and of course it is half term so there are endless damn facebook posts of people having #familyfun and feeling #soblessed aaaarrrrgggghhh

Stay off facebook! Ugh, you know it's just PR. Not as if your teens would want to appear on your facebook, after all.

(another time obvs you are tucked up hopefully with a nice book) but - are you a single mum? Whether you are or not the kids (and OH) need to step up a bit - but hopefully without the arguments. So - how can that be done? Can you thank them when they do useful things (not too effusively or it will come across as sarcasm :D!) . Have they got public exams this year, as that makes it harder I know for a few more weeks. If not then how about saying 'come on guys lets get this place cleaned up a bit'. Not as if it's controversial, just as an obvious thing that normal people do.

Ask them if they want to put some music on - mine will blast out some grim Scandi prog rock or something when they are tidying, but that is fine with me!!

possibly none of this will work!

It isn't easy (I'm still on 10mg and resigned to it!) but you are doing the right things.

Best wishes to you applelolly. Hang in there - you can do this xx

Morning all! New day,,fresh start! Thanks for all the encouragement.
Gladys I'm not a single mum. I can't post too much about my marriage because I have posted threads before asking for relationship advice and dh has found them and has been really upset and angry that I have posted things. He contributes equally financially to the household, and will do some tasks like cooking and dropping DC off to places but he seems as happy as everyone else to live surrounded by mess and filth.
School holidays are the worst when dh and DC are home all day and I am working . Coming in to mountains of washing and mess everywhere after a days work while DC all lie around in the their rooms and dh is watching TV is just soul destroying. I am dreading the long summer holidays to be honest.

Anyway, resolved to be positive again today. Won't be drinking this weekend either and am hoping a good break from alcohol will help. Think I'm going to take DC swimming today, will at least get us out of the house. Also I have got a few new plants to plant up in the garden. And I have my exercise class this evening which always makes me feel better so that's good.

Honestly apple I'm not surprised you get depressed. Have a look for the thread on here by the poster who is giving up housework. You can't be everyone's slave, norshouldyou be medicating / 'managing' yourself to bear it. You should be getting better to FIX it IMO. If dh is sat watching telly, you do something nice too.

You have lost 2 stone, you are working out 5 times a week, taking time out to nuture yourself with meditation and have stopped the AD's. Of course you are going to still have some bad days whilst you go through this process. It is not a quick fix. I would say it takes a good 6 months.

This is a work in progress. What can you add onto your already great list of things which are healing you.

Firstly, you need to address the lack of help in your household. Tell your DC and DH you can't carry on like this and they need to help you. Your DH also needs to have a word with them about helping you out. Teach them to put on a wash, give them expectations of how their room should look and teach them to cook and tidy up and hoover. Then give them a list of chores. Mine are both under 12 and help me out round the house.

I've been were you are in terms of weaning off the AD's and turning my life around. I did it many years ago and was in so much of a better place that I was glad it happened to me. You need to add in a few more things as part of the healing process. I would add in some Yoga and every day I would do one nice thing for myself e.g. face pack, nails, pedicure. Anything that re-inforces to you that you are important and deserving of being taken care of.

Look at what you are doing at the weekend that increases the anxiety. Can you take up a hobby or go down the gym on a Sunday afternoon to give you a boost? Also, ditch the booze and coffee. Its just not worth it. Also, final Q. How old are you?

Thanks gladys I have seriously cut down the amount I do round the house. The trouble is no one else does it so the house just ends up a state and the only person that seems to bother is me. You are right though. I have been using the medication to numb me to everything that is rubbish about my situation. But I don't want to do that any more. I am also quite powerless to change the situation though. So I feel trapped.
I had a lovely 2 hours out with the dogs this morning up around the woods and the local lake.
Now we have brought DC swimming which entailed all the usual stress and arguments to even get them out of the house. I am feeling so so down and have been grumpy with them all which then makes me feel so guilty, which makes me feel more down, which makes me more grumpy..... Etc.... I've now left them in the pool with dh and have escaped to the Cafe for theblastv1/2 hour. I just wish I could bloody enjoy something once in a while. And I really, really want a glass of wine tonight but have told myself I won't.
But then I think what is even the point. I am so sad I cried myself to sleep last night. I am totally lonely. I have literally no friends. I am absolutely exhausted with parenting, I have been doing it for 20 years! I have absolutely nothing to look forward to. I am making my children's lives a misery by being so grumpy. I can't have chocolate cause I'm trying to lose weight and now I can't even have a glass of wine. And I am trying so hard to sort my head out and still I just want to sit here and cry.

Sorry that was really negative! To balance it out I am feeling really grateful for my dogs today. They are awesome. They are always so happy to see me. So happy to go out. Happy with wherever we go. No moaning. No arguing. Just enjoyment and affection from them. I love my dogs!

Could you write notes for your dc or text them? I found that easier than asking as leaves no chance for excuses. Maybe ask them to just text you in work when job is done. Start small. When your dh sees the note it might encourage him to chase after then. One or twice l have come in the door to no jobs done by dh or teens so l cheerfully called out..l am heading out again until this place is tidy. Text me when its safe to come home. Then l go to a coffee shop.
A messy house is annoying and depressing. Mind yourself.

thanks june I have tried notes and texts, I could maybe try again
today I just feel broken though. I'm sat here just sobbing.
I went into ds2s room (hes 10) and it was just the most disgusting mess. I had asked dh to help him tidy it and put his clean clothes away 3 times this week while he was off work. I have fished out endless sweet wrappers,crumbs,plates etc from under his bed - he's not meant to even have food in his room. he had 2 huge tubs of clean clthes waiting to go away, and endless dirty clothes all over the floot. Lego everywhere .
I started on his room then went in to ask 2 of the girls (12 and 13) to empty and re load the dishwasher and tidy the kitchen. Met with a load of arguments and general refusal to get out of bed (it was 11.45 by this point so not early) dd3 eventually went down to do it, dd4 didnt. I pointed out to her that she never helped out and she said "I Know" with a smile on her face. Their room is also an absolute tip.
DH is at work so there is just me here. and I just don't think I can bear it any more. I have now shouted at dd 3 and 4 and they have told me how much they hate me and how I need to calm down and why does it even matter if the house is a bit messy.
I just want to escape. but I am so trapped. the only way I can bear living like this for the next 8 years is to go back on medication to numb it all. Much as I don't want to I will never survive this until ds is old enough to leave home.
I feel so totally and utterly broken. and I hate myself so much.

Your DC are very disrespectful to you and you are overwhelmed. Think you need to sit down with your family and tell them that you can't cope with this situation any more and that some things need to change. There are 4 of them and they can all pull their weight in some way. For starters each one is responsible for heir own room, putting away clothes and helping prepared and clean up after dinner. This is the minimum. Also your DH too. If they don't do it then there are consequences.

No wonder you were on AD's OP. You have have a household of people who are disrespectful of you and sucking the life blood out of you.

Also you are both working and your and your DH should invest in a cleaner twice a week to keep the place clean all round.

Even better, pay for the cleaner out of the 4DC pocket money and things that get sent on them. They don't deserve it TBH.

I would not take that shit of my DC. I really wouldn't.

Walking. Good ones in the countryside. That's where I battle with my demons. That and swimming lengths.

Audiobooks. Good ones though not self help.

Reading something like the Tom Sharp Wilt books. I read them as a teen and remember crying with laughter.

Bless you OP. My house makes me feel that way too. It should be a sanctuary but actually it feels like a prison. One I can never get clean or tidy. And I only have 2DDs, and a messy DH. Time to sit them down as suggested above. Tell them things have to change. I would recommend getting a cleaner. I used to have one only once a fortnight, and the money was totally worth it. For 2 days in a month I came home to a lovely clean house, and I found it much easier to keep nearly clean once she had been, so it was generally better all of the time. It was wonderful. It would be an investment in your mental health. X

I used to have a cleaner. DH made comments about the expense so I got rid of her. To be fair we oxuldnt really afford her. We can't really afford anything.
I have just totally lost it with the DC. I went into kitchen which had been cleaned to find surfaces covered in crumbs, butter and beans. I brought each DC into the kitchen and then they all stood there and point blank denied it. Dd4 then told me to "just go out somewhere." But I don't want to have to go out all the time. I feel I can't even be in my own home anymore. What is even the point of trying. Nothing I've done has helped. Yet another Saturday where I've ended up sitting on my bed sobbing whilst my DC tell me how much they hate me.

sakura my whole family are disrespectful to me. DH couldn't care less either. I have told them all so many times how unhappy their behaviour is making me and it makes absolutely no difference. I actually don't matter at all to anyone. Dd 2 just stormed out the kitchen when I was asking about the mess saying "I've got more important things to do" that's the bottom line really. My happiness, my health, my well being and sanity are actually not in the slightest bit important to anyone.
I'm not sure how I've come to this point really. I expect in some way I have brought it on myself. My happiness or feelings never mattered to my own parents so why I would ever expect anyone else to ever care about me I do not know.

Hang on in there OP. This too shall pass. I'm sorry you are having a crap day. xx

Oh apple that's so sad to read. Why is your DH not backing you up re the way your children talk to you? It seems as though all the relationships in your home have soured - you are probably finding it hard to show your love to the DCs, and no wonder, they are certainly not showing any to you.

I do suspect, though you didn't want to talk about it, that your DH is disrespectful to you and the DCs are taking their cue from him.

If he treats you like the DCs treat you, you should not put up with it. Seriously. If my DH treated me like that I would not be able to stay married to him.

And if he doesn't disrespect you, and isn't as bad as I am fearing, he also needs to step up and show a united front to the DCs. If there is conflict or stress in your relationship perhaps the reliable base for the kids is not there, and its possible that they are kind of testing their safety by testing you?

But on a less deep note, you have done great to lose that weight and get into good routines and love yourself. You need to stick at it, not just for you, but to show the family you respect yourself and prioritise yourself.

And don't tidy their rooms. Let them lose stuff. It's their fault if they do.

hugs for you - focus on yourself. You have to care for yourself, because you absolutely deserve it, and your kids' mum deserves it too for that matter. Whatever your parents might have taught you. They w ere wrong.. you know that, don't you?

thanks gladys and yes, marriage isn't great tbh.
Anyway.... my hayfever is full force today and last night I seemed to have weird stomach bug thing that resulted in much vomiting (no alcohol involved!) so not great from physical point of view today.
Oddly though I do feel more positive. Today is going to be about looking after myself only. I have a few plants that I still haven't got round to planting up that I will do today. I need to find a new book to read on my kindle as I finished my other one yesterday. I may have and afternoon nap or may lie on my hammock in the garden for a bit.
We have no food in the house but will send dh shopping. and mostly will try to be more patient with dc.

Hi Apple, sorry to hear about your bug. Hope you've been able to enjoy the day anyway? Glad to hear you planned to do stuff for yourself