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Original poster

i can't do it

48 replies

redbracelet · 18/05/2007 22:29

I can't carry on pretending everything is ok anymore.

I am full to the top of tears that just will not fall. I hate myself. Hate my weight, hate the way i look, i am ugly inside and all my attempts to change that have just made it worse.
In the past i have hurt myself physicaly to make sense of the way i feel inside but i don't want to go down that road again. There is only so long that you can hide from yourself and i don't want to see me.

I don't make sense, i know that but ijust needed to get a little bit out. Even hiding under a name i don't really use much coz i am a fucking coward and its easier for me to walk away thinking that you won't "know" me

OP posts:
littlelapin · 18/05/2007 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 18/05/2007 22:36

Doctors, sweetheart, and you need to do a pottery course or something. Get your self esteem back. I think you are chronically miserable and maybe depressed.

Itsthawooluff · 18/05/2007 22:39

Sometimes recognising that you have been pretending that everything is OK is the hardest step to take. That's not the action of a coward.

Flamesparrow · 18/05/2007 22:41

A pottery course?

You do need help though

colditz · 18/05/2007 22:44

I don't mean specifically a pottery course, I mean just something else, something nice, that has no bad connotations and can't make you feel sad, just to see if it makes you feel better.

But definately doctors. I recognise this feeling in myself, and it means it's time to go to the GP before I really sink, be4cause if I ignore it, I really sink. I'd hate to see that happen to you.

Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 22:46

ty for replies, i wasn't expecting any tbh with MN being the way it is at the mo.

I don't have time to go the Dr, not on my own anyway. I don't know what they could offer me anyway that would help. I'm not a talker and i doubt i ever wil be. I have a cupboard of 'stuff' that i will not open. not ever.

OP posts:
Boco · 18/05/2007 22:46

Would you feel better if you weren't using a different name? Whatever name you use, there will be plenty of people who know what it feels like to feel depressed adn sad, and no one's going to judge you for that.

it's good you're not pretending everything is ok. maybe that means you can start to make things better for yourself. you know what doesn't work, so what do you think might help?

Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 22:48

colditz, if feeling like this isn't 'sunk' then i don't want to know what that feels like.

OP posts:
Flamesparrow · 18/05/2007 22:51

Something happens when you get to the doctors - you go expecting to stay silent as always, and then they ask you why you are there and you start sobbing big snotty tears You don't have to go deep into your history, just get the surface stuff off and you will get help.

(Thanks for explaining pottery... was baffled )

Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 22:55

Its not worth the 2 hour wait with potentially both the DCs for me to bottle it and make up a random symptom (which i have dome before)

I don't know what i expected of this thread tbh. Not sure why i started it

OP posts:
Itsthawooluff · 18/05/2007 22:57

Could you write something down and hand it over to the GP?

JackieNo · 18/05/2007 22:58

You could print out this thread and show it to the doctor?

Flamesparrow · 18/05/2007 22:58

SadSad

colditz · 18/05/2007 22:59

Write it down. Take the paper to the gp, and hand it over.

It ois worth it YOU are worth it, YOU do not deserve to feel this bad. Please Go to the gp, takle the kids, WHATEEVEr, but make yourself known to them and let them give you the help you need and deserve.

pirategirl · 18/05/2007 23:00

guess you need to finish what you started, and try with all your might to get to the doctors, for your sake and your children's sake.

I have been there, believe me. I have had 2 half attempted suicides in my life, and a nervous breakdown, and depression.

Yet, something will kick in for you, i am sure of it, reaching out like you are now is a tiny step.

xx

Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 23:00

i would prob still get called in and would have to explain myself then.Would also have to explain to DP how and why i feel like this and i have managed to hide most of it by keeping busy, saying i am tired etc

OP posts:
MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 18/05/2007 23:01

red - I know that feeling. You do need to see the gp though. If you leave it, it will get worse and you will not have the strength to pull yourself out of it. Posting on here was a sort of cry for help. Go to the gp. Can someone look after your dc while you go?

Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 23:04

i don't want anyone in RL to know how i feel. i feel like a failure for not being able to control my feelings, i have worked so hard to put up these walls and i don't want people to feel sorry for me for not being able to handle my own emotions.

OP posts:
Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 23:05

sorry, the last thing Mn needs is a thread like this

OP posts:
Itsthawooluff · 18/05/2007 23:07

MN is big and hairy enough to handle most things - wouldn't worry about that at all.

colditz · 18/05/2007 23:11

Would you feel like a failure for catching flu? Or developing a muscle wasting disease?

Depression is NO DIFFERENT it's an illness, not a weakness, and needs treating as such.

MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 18/05/2007 23:12

You are not a failure - you are ill. If you are a failure, so am I. I know you don't believe me, but you can feel better with help. You are not alone, there is so much help out there. No-one will judge you. HONESTLY.

colditz · 18/05/2007 23:13

Yes that would make me a failure too, and I'm not, I know I'm not.

Original poster
redbracelet · 18/05/2007 23:16

sorry colditz, i wasn't insinuating that you were a failure.

OP posts:
MrsDiorKeanuReeves · 18/05/2007 23:17

And about 30% of the country!

Redbracelet - get some sleep now. Do you get a lie in at the weekend? Have a nice day out tomorrow. I don't know who you are on here, so don't know your family situation, but you can have a day outside in the sun (or rain if the last few days are anything to go by) and get some exercise.

Thingfs that can help in the long-term are:

sleep
good food
exercise
sunlight

You might need some help from friends and family though, so be prepared to tell them.