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Original poster

Catastrophising/anxiety - ADs

27 replies

Ithinktomyself · 25/05/2018 12:03

I started on ADs a week ago - I know that it's supposed to make things worse before they get better.

This morning I did something stupid that made my DS 20 minutes late for school (we are never EVER late, I am anal about punctuality). He was confused and worried when I hustled him into the school.

Rationally, I know this is just a daft thing that I won't do again (although I know I'll remember it occasionally and feel my stomach sink) but I came home and had a howling sobbing fit in the corner for half an hour. I still feel sick about it. I can't face picking him up this afternoon with embarrassment and facing DS's annoyance and disappointment that I let him down - he's only 5 and possibly a bit autistic (having him tested) so this sort of thing is a big deal.

I feel like my insides have fallen out. I keep stopping mid-thought and gasping for breath. I know, I KNOW that I over-reacting but then I think how DS must be feeling, for his normally reliable (honestly) mother to have screwed up like this and I start crying again.

Is this the ADs? Or is it just me? I think I just want someone to tell me that it'll all be ok.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 25/05/2018 12:22

Anyone? I could really do with a voice of reason right now.

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Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 25/05/2018 13:09

I'm just going to do one more shameless bump.

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differentkindofpenguin · 25/05/2018 13:22

Hi, didn't want to read and run!

It might well be the ADs, my first 2 weeks of citalopram were hideous! This was years ago, and I had to change a few times, but my " happy pills" enable me to keep my head above water?

Are you under 25? The side effects in the first 2 weeks are worse for younger people.

Do you have anyone you can chat to in real life?

Big virtual hugs from me BrewCakeFlowers

freddiepurrcury · 25/05/2018 13:24

I can’t advise you re the ADs, but I didn’t want to read and run having been in the same position myself. You will be okay- if you keep feeling like this go back to your GP and talk to them about changing the meds, but chances are the ADs will take effect soon and you’ll feel much better. Regarding your son, it’s one mistake and I’m sure he will forget and forgive before you know it. It’s so horrible when you feel like you have let your child down, but this is just one incident and he’s not going to forget what a good mother you are because of it. Flowers

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 25/05/2018 13:35

Thank you for responding. I get like this when I screw up anyway but it just feels so intense. My stomach is in knots and I feel shivery and headachey.

Most of all, I'm so embarrassed. We were sat in the playground thinking all the other children were waiting in their cars because it was raining. I know it's something that I should laugh about in a day or two but at the moment I just feel like I want to be swallowed up. And poor DS's face. Sad

Only DH knows I'm taking ADs and, frankly, he's not really that interested. He's not one of life's talkers at the best of times. My friends all have their own problems. I'm too ashamed to tell my parents.

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freddiepurrcury · 25/05/2018 13:53

I’m so sorry you don’t have anyone you can talk to in real life. Please please don’t beat yourself up or feel embarrassed/ashamed. You sound like a lovely mum who is very focussed on her child’s needs. My partner always tells me off for fixating on bad things I have done and dismissing any good things I have done and I think you sound like you are similar. Just take it one day at a time and if you do not feel better within the next couple of weeks (my psychiatrist always says I should give any new medication four weeks to take effect) go back to your GP. Flowers

Stormy76 · 25/05/2018 13:58

Go back to your GP and get some reassurance that it's just going to take a couple more weeks. It can be a rough four weeks or so but it will get better. Have you contacted Mind or other mental health charities because they offer CBT and talking therapy. I had talking therapy and it was amazing, it really opened my eyes because I needed to understand why I was feeling the way I was.

We all make mistakes, don't beat yourself up about it, I do many stupid things but .......that's life. That panic and anxiety will start to life soon.

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 25/05/2018 14:22

I can't really face talking about it - I would feel ridiculous actually verbalising the rubbish that goes on in my head. I feel so stupid on so many different levels.

And today - people saw me and laughed, people I don't know very well. It WAS funny but I feel completely humiliated.

My GP isn't in today I don't think.

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Ridingthegravytrain · 25/05/2018 14:26

I don’t know about the pills but have you tried cbt? They give good coping mechanisms and rationalisation techniques for this. It has helped me somewhat

GlitterGlue · 25/05/2018 14:34

You might not want to talk about things, but they can also give you coping/grounding techniques.

We’ve all been a bit of a plank at times. I’m sure each and every one of us has a story we could share. You’re not alone. I’ve known parents who’ve turned up at school on teacher training days, sent their kids in wearing Christmas jumpers a day early etc. I once forgot to pick up dc from after school club and went shopping.

Do something nice for yourself today. Even if it’s just a walk to clear your head, or snuggling up on the sofa and watching a film you enjoy.

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 25/05/2018 15:48

I really don't want to leave the house - but dog needs walking. Sent DH to pick up DS. He has kindly not passed on any "funny" comments about this morning.

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Stormy76 · 25/05/2018 18:41

I sat in one counselling session and cried like a baby over a birthday cake, let me tell you the weight just lifted off my shoulders. Keeping all that stuff in your head makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be. Letting it out with a professional helps you to understand why you think that way, they give you tools to help you challenge your thinking processes. As you understand your thinking little better you get a lot of realisation and it helps you to cut yourself some slack because you don't need to punish yourself for the way you think. You will be nervous but your first challenge will be actually going to get some help, that first time you open up will make you so proud of your self.

One gaff I made was taking my kids to start back at school after the holidays ...... on the wrong day. Then 2 days later getting a call from the school asking why the kids were not in that day .......I do not know what I was thinking but I ballsed up back to school that year big time.

You are not alone, try and remember that when you are feeling low, there are many mistake makers walking around amongst the 'normals' lol we do walk among them. Being perfect is boring ❤️

differentkindofpenguin · 26/05/2018 09:54

Morning, how are you feeling today?

dontgetowtfernowt · 26/05/2018 10:11

It will get better, it can be true that in the first few weeks anxiety can get worse. 4 months on I can't believe the difference they've made.... I've had similar experiences in the beginning.

Please ask about CBT, it will help you understand your reactions and give you coping techniques.

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 26/05/2018 11:10

Thank you for asking. It really helps to think someone is thinking about me! Yesterday was awful, I kept cringing to myself throughout the day but this morning I am more able to move past it. I do feel like I am doing more stupid things since starting the ADs though. It might be lack of sleep as well (nothing to do with moods - the dog is waking me). I am a bit spacey today but I don't have to drive any more and I'm going to try to take it easy.

I will think about the CBT but not right now. Thank you though, I am listening, honestly.

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/05/2018 08:21

I started my meds on the 17th and it’s only been these last couple of days that I’ve started to feel more together. The first week was unbearable, I felt like everyone thought the worst of me and my anxiety was worse. But it’s the norm for the first week or two to be difficult. Day 11 now and I’m feeling a quiet sense of peace. Feel positive that I will be much stronger in a few more weeks.

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 27/05/2018 11:29

Thanks for this - I started around the same time. Today is marginally better although I can still feel a rumble of panic in the background of my thoughts. Hoping that you do feel much better soon. Flowers

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/05/2018 18:36

Which meds are you on? My biggest symptom now is exhaustion

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 27/05/2018 20:34

Citalopram. I have been tired for a while but that's partly because my sleep's being interrupted. Today my brain has been so much quieter, it's been nice. I've been lazy but I think that's ok, just for today. Tomorrow I need to sort myself out.

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Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 27/05/2018 20:34

Which are you on?

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 27/05/2018 22:26

Sertraline 50mg for me.

Quieter brain and lazy day is good progress though.

Today Ive felt the rumble of anxiety in the background but it seems much more distant. Which is positive.

Yesterday I told two friends about my AD’s. Today I told DH. Delayed as I needed him to promise confidentiality. He was surprised and then upset I’d kept it quiet. All fine now though. Don’t plan to let anyone else know.

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 28/05/2018 09:26

Only DH (and obviously the whole of mumsnet!) knows about mine. Dh seems completely uninterested which hurts if I'm honest. I think he's trying to give me space but it comes across as not caring.

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 28/05/2018 18:11

Would be good to have some emotional support. My DH is a quiet chap too so totally relate

How are you today? I’m the same as yesterday and low on stamina.

Original poster
Ithinktomyself · 29/05/2018 15:21

Hi @Labradoodliedoodoo (what a mouthful!) Yesterday was significantly better in lots of ways. I was out with DS, doing a birthday party and a big walk with the dog. It was actually quite good to be amongst other people (many of whom I didn't know) and throw myself into socialising - something I dislike at the best of times. It took me out of myself for a bit and that was very welcome. Plus DS was on excellent form, so well behaved and polite that I very nearly had a bit of a cry about it (that's me, not the drugs, I'm always like that!)

Today is okay. I'm managing to do a number of jobs and I've entertained the boy and the dog to some extent. A few angry, critical voices are still breaking through on occasion but not with nearly as much frequency or venom as previously. I would love to sleep but the dog is preventing it. DH slept in every day of the bank holiday weekend which I wouldn't normally mind but I am hanging. I can't really blame him though, he's tired too.

How are you doing?

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Labradoodliedoodoo · 29/05/2018 21:37

Sounds positive. Good moves forward indeed. Can you arrange to have the next potential sleep in? Weirdly I don’t feel as tired today. Like you I’m finding socialising easier going with less self criticism. Although I am pacing myself somewhat and there are things that Would have previously made me anxious but im managing to rationalise/dismiss thoughts when then pop up. I do feel like I’m slowing resetting to my normal self. Will be very interesting to see how we feel in another couple of weeks.