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Mental health

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Original poster

I've hurt my child. Can I self refer to social services?

32 replies

lauraisdone · 22/05/2018 21:04

I really don't know what to do.

DS is 10. He is extremely challenging but that's not an excuse for what's happened. I totally lost control tonight and I've hurt him by grabbing him and forcing him into my car. We had pulled over at the side of the road during a huge argument, I was hysterical and crying, he was angry too. I told him to get out. He started walking off. I panicked and called him back. He was rude to me and I just lost the plot and grabbed him and forced him into the car.

He has a huge and awful looking bruise on his arm where I grabbed him. I'm devastated that I've hurt him like this and I just don't feel like I'm the right parent for him anymore. I'm failing him and he's going to end up in a mess and it'll be all my fault. I know if school see this bruise I'll be in huge trouble. Can I self refer to social services? I'm just not coping and I don't want to hurt him again, I'm so ashamed and I just don't know what to do. I feel like everyone would be better off if I just wasn't here.

OP posts:

LeChatDeNuit · 22/05/2018 21:10

for you.

I’m sorry, I don’t have children so I can’t answer your question. But I do know how it feels to lose control.

Where are you and your DS now? Are you both safe? Please try not to beat yourself up. You’re human and you’ve recognised you made a mistake. That shows great insight.

Somebody will be along soon with proper advice but I wanted you to know I’m here and thinking of you.

DamsonGin · 22/05/2018 21:13

Can you have a conversation with someone at school? Yes they'll probably refer to ss but they might also be able to refer you/ suggest help with parenting and whatever challenges are occurring.

hatgirl · 22/05/2018 21:15

Yes you can self refer to social services and the most likely thing that will happen is they will be quite kind to you and let you talk, but tell you that there isn't much they can offer you and possibly suggest some online support sources and maybe some parenting classes.

They may come and do an initial assessment, speak to him on his own and speak to his teachers/GP etc but unless there are other concerns it will most likely just be put on file for the time being.

It's definitely worth having the conversation with them though to see what they can offer. It's probably also worth speaking to your GP about your own health and well-being.

DamsonGin · 22/05/2018 21:15

And maybe make an appt with your GP too for help. It sounds like you need help on two fronts, the parenting bit and for yourself. Don't beat yourself up, recognising that this isn't good is good in itself. Reaching out is even better.

middleeasternpromise · 22/05/2018 21:21

Yes you can self refer to social services - call your local area office. Alternatively when you drop him to school speak to the safeguarding lead there and explain there was a difficult situation tonight and you fell you need some parenting help they will make a referral themselves and can add what they know about your son and your family. What is the 'extremely challenging behaviour' you refer to and how long has it been going on? Have you had any support before from any agencies? Who else in the family or your network understands you both and can they give you a bit of emotional support tonight. How is your son now - are you able to talk to each other as he might be quite upset/confused right now and need some reassurance that you are concerned about what happened and you are going to seek advice. Please don't allow yourself to get so low you feel you shouldn't be here - shame guilt and fear are all normal feelings when you are in shock at having crossed a line, but thinking you being gone will help your son is definitely not the case.

TheSecretMole · 22/05/2018 21:21

I don’t have specific advice but wanted to say - the abusive, bullying, horrible parents that end up hurting their children do not rush to self refer to social services because of how awful they were - they just don’t care. You do, and I think that makes the world of difference. Doesn’t mean what you did was right, but you’ve recognised it and are looking for the best way forward

Original poster

lauraisdone · 22/05/2018 21:22

I spoke to my GP two weeks ago. They have prescribed me some propanolol and told me to go back if it doesn't help. I'm fine most of the time but as soon as I get the next phone call from school or he's being defiant or rude again, I just crumble.

There are some parenting classes coming up which I've asked the school nurse to put us onto. They don't start for 6 weeks and I just don't know how I will make it to then. Should I be honest with the school about how he got the bruise? I'm so ashamed of myself. He has all these issues and I think they're just my fault. I'm so shit, I get angry and now I've lost the plot like this, how can I expect a ten year old to behave when I act like this? I'm the crappy role model he's got, there's no hope for him is there.

Thank you for replying by the way, and for being nice. I really don't deserve people being nice

OP posts:

Eloisedublin123 · 22/05/2018 21:24

Make yourself a tea, put both feet on the ground, close your eyes for 5 minutes, breath, drink your tea. Tomorrow is another day. Is your son safe this evening? You are doing a wonderful job in admitting you need a little extra help, it’s so hard sometimes. I’m sending you a big hug

Eastcoastmost · 22/05/2018 21:25

Where is his father?

Momo18 · 22/05/2018 21:27

Obviously you need support, so please don't think I'm minimising your need for that. But there is a big difference between what you did and physically assaulting a child. I doubt social services will judge you at all on this, most likely they will put you in touch with support. Also local children's centres do parenting classes and your GP should be able to get you into some sort of stress management course quickly. Our GP runs lots of group sessions

SprayingMonsters · 22/05/2018 21:27

💐
I have a child with SN so I know how difficult it can be, in regards to a self referral I don’t think I would be able to go ahead with it.

gingerbreadbiscuits · 22/05/2018 21:32

Definitely self refer to SS ask for a referral to Sohill parenting programme as parenting a child with behaviour issues can be difficult. Go to GP yourself and take DS and ask for a CAHMS referal. Make an appointment with School head of year/parental support work and ask for their support.

Parenting is so hard. You do deserve kindness. There is lots of support out there but you have to ask out for it.

category12 · 22/05/2018 21:33

I'd have thought it's far better to self-refer asking for help than potentially be reported. And certainly tell the truth if asked.

Ask for help: you sound at the end of your tether. I'm sure you can get back on track and things won't look as bleak as they do right now.

KataraJean · 22/05/2018 21:33

What support do you have?

Has he been assessed for any underlying causes of the behaviour?

When my DS was small, I did a lot of meditation to cope with his challenging behaviour, to help myself keep calm and think about what he needed when he was being challenging, and not to get stressed and panicked that I would not be able to cope.

Lots of times I just had to hold him till he calmed down. He is too big for that now, but he has also got an ASD diagnosis and sensory issues so that has helped with strategies to help him cope.

I am really not sure it is a parenting course you need, rather some kind of support for him too. I know services are stretched, but what support has he had to get to the bottom of the challenging behaviour?

There are some NICE guidelines on dealing with challenging behaviour which I found when I was struggling. I will see if I can find them.

Mollypolly2610 · 22/05/2018 21:38

I self referred I was so ashamed I got help straight away and ongoing help from social work. It still wakes me up through the night and I’m over 60. It never goes away sadly.

Rocinante1 · 22/05/2018 21:39

Do you have any family or friends near you or someone who could come and stay with you for a little while?

You need breathing space, and so does your son. He will be feeling everyrhing you are and he will be scared, even if he acts tough and rude, he's still a little boy dealing with emotions he doesn't know how to handle. You are not in the right place to approach him and begin a dialogue. You need to take a step back and calm down.

Thespringsthething · 22/05/2018 21:41

I'm sure you were terrified he was going to get hit by a car or run away and just panicked, and in doing so grabbed him too hard and hurt him. You may have been angry, but you sound more frightened and at the end of your tether as well.

I don't know the best place to look for help, but perhaps you could also post in Special Needs as they know a lot about helping challenging children. In what way is he challenging? Does he have a diagnosis?

Honestly, you are there for him, even during the rudeness, defiance, challenge, him threatening to disappear- this is not a bad parent. You are just stretched too thin and exhausted from doing this on a daily basis, you are probably burned-out. I have found counselling helpful and some type of relaxation just to damp down the anger/anxiety when the children were little.

HollowTalk · 22/05/2018 21:43

I took that medication, OP, and it took 3 weeks to kick in, but when it did I felt a lot better. Before then I would get so wound up (felt like a fist clenching my heart) that I thought I was going to die.

I would self-refer. You clearly need help (as would anyone in that situation.) It's so tough trying to cope in situations like this - don't try to do it on your own.

RemainOptimistic · 22/05/2018 21:45

What was the argument for? You don't need to respond to everything a 10 year old says. You can make a statement and repeat it over and over. E.g. "We will talk about this later." Ignore the content of anything said and repeat a neutral statement in a calm tone of voice.

chocolateworshipper · 22/05/2018 21:46

Yes you absolutely DO deserve people being nice. Parenting is damn hard and I guarantee you that no parent ever got everything 100% right. Also it's damned hard to admit you made a mistake and that you need help. Bloody well done you for wanting to get some help.

picklemepopcorn · 22/05/2018 21:48

Yes, be honest.

I have been you. It is ok.

ravenmum · 22/05/2018 21:48

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so shit, poor thing. Is the propanolol for high blood pressure? It sounds like you could perhaps actually do with help for depression/stress. I guess you are under other pressure at the moment too? Can you try with your GP again?

I'd say it's a good idea you have there to reach out and talk to people. With any luck you'll get a bit of decent help, and even the fact of opening up and getting it off your chest will probably give you a little relief, just discovering that you don't have to bear it all on your own shoulders.

ShawshanksRedemption · 22/05/2018 21:49

Yes you can self refer. Also please talk to the school, because they will be able to support him in class if he has a meltdown and they know why (not saying he will, but a possibility?).

Work with the school and any help/support you can get.

Info on Solihull is here: solihullapproachparenting.com

You don't say if your DS has a diagnosis, but have a look on the NAS website to see if it rings any bells: www.autism.org.uk
There are also some strategies to try.

Should you find yourself in a similar situation again, remove yourself and calm yourself first. Self care, ok? As long as your DS is safe, you can walk away and give yourself some time.

You don't mention any partner or family, but you do need support; please consider talking to someone about how you are feeling, particularly your GP if you think your feelings have escalated since you last saw them.

rcat · 22/05/2018 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squishy · 22/05/2018 21:52

Yes you can self-refer; yes you deserve people being nice - particularly for asking for help from 'strangers' - one of the most courageous things, in my opinion. Too many people struggle on or are in denial/too scared to face the issue. Well done.

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