I feel I've become everything I've hated about other people. By that I mean my Dad used to hit me and I hated him for it. He was verbally aggressive and just generally a not very nice person to be around. My ex hit me and verbally abused me.
A few months ago I hit DP when I was angry. And if I look back over our relationship over the last 12 months I can see how verbally aggressive I've been with him. And the worst part is he still loves me. Why?!
I'm a horrible person. Today I was out and kept having very intrusive thoughts of jumping in front of the train. I would never actually do that. I'd be too worried about the effect it'd have on the driver / those around who witnessed it.
I also know that I could never actually kill myself because in the back of my mind is the thought that somebody will have to find me and that can't be a very nice experience.
But, I don't want to be here any more. I don't deserve the love and support DP gives me and it's no wonder my parents went NC and it's no wonder I have no friends. DP has changed so much. He's not the happy go lucky person he used to be. I think I've ground him down from permanently being in a shit mental state and taking everything out on him.
I've just totally broken down this evening and hate the intrusive thoughts. I'm trying my best but it just feels it's not good enough. I used to self harm. I am really struggling with the thoughts this evening and don't know what to do.