I'm such a horrible person and don't want to be here any more

[rubyclover]

I feel I've become everything I've hated about other people. By that I mean my Dad used to hit me and I hated him for it. He was verbally aggressive and just generally a not very nice person to be around. My ex hit me and verbally abused me.

A few months ago I hit DP when I was angry. And if I look back over our relationship over the last 12 months I can see how verbally aggressive I've been with him. And the worst part is he still loves me. Why?!

I'm a horrible person. Today I was out and kept having very intrusive thoughts of jumping in front of the train. I would never actually do that. I'd be too worried about the effect it'd have on the driver / those around who witnessed it.

I also know that I could never actually kill myself because in the back of my mind is the thought that somebody will have to find me and that can't be a very nice experience.

But, I don't want to be here any more. I don't deserve the love and support DP gives me and it's no wonder my parents went NC and it's no wonder I have no friends. DP has changed so much. He's not the happy go lucky person he used to be. I think I've ground him down from permanently being in a shit mental state and taking everything out on him.

I've just totally broken down this evening and hate the intrusive thoughts. I'm trying my best but it just feels it's not good enough. I used to self harm. I am really struggling with the thoughts this evening and don't know what to do.

Hi Ruby, are you on any medication ? Been to the doctors for help?

You are not a horrible person, you care about someone having to find you should you take your own life. You sound like you've had a toxic upbringing which has probably contributed to your mental health problems

Hi OP. I'm really sorry you are feeling like this. It must be really hard. I think to your credit you have taken a step forward in recognising they things aren't as they should be and some of it may be down to how you feel and perhaps some of the resulting actions.

Your DH clearly loves you a lot. I think you should (if you can) use this to give you the strength to seek help. You aren't on your own. It sounds like you have a lot going for you and you also sound very self aware..please use this and get some professional help. Find the right person to talk to in a professional sense and you really might be able to see a brighter future.

@frustratedashell I'm on mirtazapine (sp?) I was on quetiapine which I felt helped with the anger side of things but they took me off it about 6 months ago because "medication isn't going to help the underlying feelings of what happened with your father" (said the psych). It was shortly after coming off the quetiapine the incident with DP happened

You are depressed. Been there bought the t-shirt.
Go and tell your GP what is happening.
Take the anti-depressants they prescribe you. If you are not feeling better in six weeks, ask to try another, different anti-depressant.
Ask to be referred for some kind of counseling, whether that be CBT or another kind.
Try and get a regular sleep pattern going. Try and get some kind of regular exercise.
Ask for your thryoid, vitamin d levels, vitamin b12 levels and iron levels to be checked.
If you're are on any kind of contraceptive, such as the pill, injection, hormonal coil or implant, get off them asap and see if that makes a difference to how you feel.
You are in a horrible place to be but there are ways and means of getting out of that and on this website you will get loads of very good advice on how to do so.

Hi Ruby,

Former self harmer here - and in times of real stress, I find myself drifting back to those thoughts. I think it's almost inevitable that you sometimes think like that, if it used to be your coping strategy. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Have you tried to come to terms with what happened in your childhood? To put it to rest and move on? It took literally years of therapy for me, but I got there in the end...

Your DP sounds like he loves you a lot. Go give him a cuddle and tell him you love him and that you're struggling and need to talk.

X

Thank you @Seth I'm doing a violence in relationships course which is really helping the anger side of things and tbh is really helpful being in a group of people who get it without judging. That said, being in the group also brings home how bad things have got and that makes me feel totally shite. DP and I saw a counsellor a while ago who ended up making out everything was my fault. At the time I refused to see her again as I felt her judgement was unfair. But she was right.

I honestly feel if things hadn't escalated to where they did then I never would have realised how bad things had gotten. It was sitting in a police cell going over and over what had happened which really made me get it.

It should never ever have gotten to that stage though. I know what it's like being on the receiving end. Why would I want to put someone I love in that position too.

Part of me feels I only want to not be here any more because that would be easier than taking responsibility for the situation I'm now in (iyswim).

I feel I am on my own a lot of the time even though that's not entirely true because I'm in the violence group. But like now, I haven't got a friend I can talk to about all this irl. I feel I can't talk to DP (for ones he asleep) but because I feel it would be unfair to burden him with how I feel.

I find myself withdrawing a lot now from Dp as I'm so scared of overstepping the line again. And withdrawing makes me feel shit as then our relationship just feels distant and I also feel I'm being unfair on DP by withdrawing. This is such a mess.

Sorry this is all rambly

I have found Quetiapine to be a miracle drug in terms of how I feel but I am also on Marvelon (combined pill) and I am sure without the both of them working in tandem I would be a hormonal wreck.
Who took you off it?
Get a 2nd opinion. Without the Marvelon and the Quetiapine I would be in a very bad place.

Shameless it was the psychiatrist who took me off it. GP won't even go there and says its up to the psychiatrist. That said we have moved recently and now live within a different NHS trust so maybe it's worth asking again.

SoLong I haven't tried to tbh. It was just before the psych took me off the quetiapine that my parents went NC and I think it's all come tumbling out since then and I've started to realise more and more just how shit my childhood was. Do you find there's anything in particular that helps when you have thoughts of self harming?

Hi Ruby...

Not sure what to say but didn't want to just pass you by.

Just try and take it minute by minute...You have done the right thing posting and I'm certain that others will be here soon with advice.

Where is your dp atm. Is he there with you.

There have been many times over the years that I have felt the way you do now. Shit childhood, bad choices as I got older. Endless bad relationships. Self harm.

I am nc with my parents. Have been with my dp for 17 years and have at times been an absolute bitch to him.

All I can say is that this will pass. I have had counselling which helped. Also going nc with my mother. Realising that I was not the cause of my problems.

Long story short. I have a wonderful relationship with my dp and both my adult dd's. I don't have many friends never have and never will.

Just want you to know that things won't always be the way they are now.

Did you feel the Quetiapine was helping you?
If the answer is yes, get referred to a new pysch and get back on it.
How is your sleep? Are you managing to get a minimum of 6 hours a night?

Just wanted to say I was having the same thoughts exactly one year ago. I was at rock bottom and thought DH and ds would be better off if I was dead, as I was such a worthless human being. I literally hated myself.

One year later I’m so much better, I’m slowly rebuilding my self esteem and self belief. I wish that a year ago I could have seen into the future and that I was going to get better.

You won’t feel like this forever, it will get better.

Tbh, nowadays I normally go for a run. Run fast and hard until it hurts and get the blood pumping. Then the endorphins start to kick in and I feel better.

Longer term though, you need to lay it all to rest in your mind. Find a way to move on from all the shit from the past. What happened to you as a child was not your fault. You're not responsible for that. You did not choose that. You have the right to be happy now that you are an adult.

Thank you @Cally62 DP is in the house but asleep. He's actually on quetiapine and once he's asleep he's out for the count. I'm glad you have a good relationship with DP and your DD's despite all the difficulties.

@ShamelessEjeculate I did find it helped but then it also made me very drowsy and lethargic during the day and I put on so much weight. I guess though what means more, actually being able to sleep properly (albeit chemically induced) and feeling calmer but struggling to function in the day, or being very mentally unstable but slightly more able to function and not constantly eating. Currently definitely not getting 6 hours sleep. It's very broken. Difficult to know how much of it is because of my mental state and how much of it is due to physical pain (I have a musculoskeletal condition as well as piss poor MH). I find when my thoughts go into overdrive (like now) I can barely sleep at all. I'll be lucky if I get even a couple of hours tonight.

@missyB1 I am so so glad you don't feel that way any more. What do you think helped you get back up?

@SoLongAndThanksForAllTheChips gosh i so wish I could go for a run! Unfortunately my physical health says no way. I feel responsible as I child as I feel I should've walked away or not answered back or been home before 7 as an 18 year old or whatever it was that pissed him off so much. Even though I know I'm not responsible for someone else's actions (we're learning that on my violence course) I still feel responsible.

I am diagnosed with fybromialgia, PCOS and Bi-polar disorder.
The most helpful thing for me is being able to get at least 7 hours of good sleep. Without that I fall apart. And that is what I find the Quetiapine is really good for.
I mentioned hormonal contraceptives above.
Are you on anything like that?

What dose where you on?

@ShamelessEjeculate I started off on 25 mg which was gradually increase to 150 mg.

Re hormonal contraception. Sorry, yes I have a Mirena coil. But I had one before, it fell out, I then had a period of around 6 months without one before getting one put back in again. My mood was the same regardless of whether it was in or not tbh. The combined pill / implant on the other hand drove me even more batshit than I feel now!

In your position, I would really think about getting the Mirena removed, just as an example of what I have read on here i regards to it:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/family_planning/1006316-Mirena-coil
If you are sensitive to hormones and judging by this thread, I think you are, then any kind of external hormones can send you a bit not sane.
And sleep. Sleep is so important for feeling level and stable and able to cope.

Hello OP, we're really sorry that you're going through all of this.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

How are you feeling today @rubyclover?

@SoLongAndThanksForAllTheChips I'm still feeling very sad and down today. I feel very overwhelmed and really struggling with my thoughts again

Thank you everyone who spoke to me last night, it really helped. I did manage to get some sleep eventually although feel exhausted today which isn't helping my mental state

I asked DP today if he thought my mental state was better when on quetiapine and he said it felt about the same to him so i don't really know what to do. I've changed the mirtazapine in the past (to venlefaxine) but it made everything so much worse. I didn't think it could get any worse but then I wasn't getting any sleep at all and I felt so much worse. I feel reluctant to change again tbh. I've tried citalopram, sertraline, fluoxetine, mirtazapaine and venlefaxine and it feels the mirtazapine has been the best out of a bad bunch really.

@ShamelessEjeculate I'm unsure about having the mirena out. I can't use any other hormonal contraception for the above reasons. I am also allergic to latex and can't use the copper coil because of bad periods. I don't know if the mirena is a lot better than an unplanned pregnancy. Not that we have much sex these days anyway for obvious reasons.

Have you told DP about how low you're feeling at the moment?

Op

It’s great that you are taking responsibility for your actions.

Sadly you grew up with abuse and that cycle is attempting to repeat itself.

Keep using all of the techniques you are learning on your course.

It’s easier said than done but don’t let your father define your future. He’s caused you enough problems. You need to Chanel this motivation to something more positive.

Could you become a volunteer? Do you work?

OP you asked me what I think helped me pull myself back up again. The main thing was talking to people, I told my GP (she was bloody amazing and held my hand whilst I cried). And telling my sister was also enormously helpful. I hadn’t realised how much sympathy and compassion would help.

Then it was forcing myself into social situations, doing voluntary work (I was unemployed at the time). And generally finding ways to make myself feel useful and valued. That way I gradually began to feel a more worthwhile person.