my husband is a farmer. We have been struggling for financially for years now but things are really coming to a head. It’s been a long struggle for him to pick up the business that was in a real mess and every single penny we have has gone into it. I don’t work because I forfeited any kind of career to raise kids. At the time I thought it was the perfect life but now I realise I’ve wasted my life and am a useless loser. I’ve taken out £1000s of loans and credit cards to put into the business that can’t be paid back. I’ve had to stop paying bills now and I admit I’m burying my head in the sand. But I can’t face it now. My husband tells me that it’ll be ok after harvest, but I’ve been hearing this for years now and it’s just not getting better.
I’m s useless mother. I know the kids always wonder why I’m snappy and hide myself away. They bicker and argue and it stresses me out. This last week things have got worse and every day I breakdown and cry. My husband is stressed and he snaps at me. Everything is on top of me, the house is in a state of disrepair and I’m totally overwhelm by how much washing and cleaning I need to do but every time I do it the kids just mess it up again so fast. We never do anything as a family and it’s been a year since we last did.
I’m lonely, although I have friends, I can’t tell anyone how I’m feeling. I fantasise about hurting myself. I can’t see s happy future. I know the kids would learn to live without me and move on in life as they are incredibly resilient. I just want peace and a way out. I’ve had enough of my life, I don’t even know if I love my husband any more.
Everyone seems to be so happy about summer and going away and families spending time together, and I’m so jealous because I have nothing to look forward to. I’m angry that I feel this way. Out hoover is broken and my husband has no time to fix it and we can’t sfford s new one. I owe so much money to people. I can’t let the feelings go away. The slightest thing sets me off. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m worthless to my family, I’m a burden and I’ve wasted my life. I hate myself so much.