I don’t know what’s wrong but I’ve had enough.

[midnightshowdown]

my husband is a farmer. We have been struggling for financially for years now but things are really coming to a head. It’s been a long struggle for him to pick up the business that was in a real mess and every single penny we have has gone into it. I don’t work because I forfeited any kind of career to raise kids. At the time I thought it was the perfect life but now I realise I’ve wasted my life and am a useless loser. I’ve taken out £1000s of loans and credit cards to put into the business that can’t be paid back. I’ve had to stop paying bills now and I admit I’m burying my head in the sand. But I can’t face it now. My husband tells me that it’ll be ok after harvest, but I’ve been hearing this for years now and it’s just not getting better.

I’m s useless mother. I know the kids always wonder why I’m snappy and hide myself away. They bicker and argue and it stresses me out. This last week things have got worse and every day I breakdown and cry. My husband is stressed and he snaps at me. Everything is on top of me, the house is in a state of disrepair and I’m totally overwhelm by how much washing and cleaning I need to do but every time I do it the kids just mess it up again so fast. We never do anything as a family and it’s been a year since we last did.

I’m lonely, although I have friends, I can’t tell anyone how I’m feeling. I fantasise about hurting myself. I can’t see s happy future. I know the kids would learn to live without me and move on in life as they are incredibly resilient. I just want peace and a way out. I’ve had enough of my life, I don’t even know if I love my husband any more.

Everyone seems to be so happy about summer and going away and families spending time together, and I’m so jealous because I have nothing to look forward to. I’m angry that I feel this way. Out hoover is broken and my husband has no time to fix it and we can’t sfford s new one. I owe so much money to people. I can’t let the feelings go away. The slightest thing sets me off. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m worthless to my family, I’m a burden and I’ve wasted my life. I hate myself so much.

I just want the feelings to stop and I want peace. I’m so tired of this.

OP your children need you more than you realise.

There are steps you can take to address your finances but first off please go and see your gp asap and tell them how you are feeling.

No one knows I feel like this. Sometimes I’m ok. I can seem to switch off in company because I have to. I don’t think that means I’m depressed? I’m not sure what to do because I don’t want to waste the gp’s time. It always takes weeks to get an appointment too and I worry that I’ll be fine and they’ll be annoyed at me for wasting time.

Make an emergency appt on Monday and show them what you've written here. You are wasting no one's time.

Reading your post made me feel so sad. Everyone needs you more than you or even they realise. Please please seek help from your GP. You are not wasting their time i promise, they can help you .
Could you speak to your husband or a close friend? It always seem people are too busy too listen but if you can find the courage to ask, im sure they will listen. Please keep talking on here. Sending you love and strength xxxx

My husband knows how I feel but he’s too busy and stressed to be able to do anything about it, and he gets so angry with me when I cry or am upset. I don’t want to burden my friends. It’s not fair on them,

Hi there midnightshowdown,

We're so sorry to see that you're feeling this way. We just wanted to let you know that we've sent you an email - could you take a look?

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

It sounds as if things have got on top of you and you feel very very over whelmed xxx Forget what you believe everyone else feels, remember that other people portray that their happy doesn't mean they are.
Do you have any family? or good friends you can talk to? Dont think that no one cares about you as thats simply not true. xx

Sorry you are feeling so low please please please reach out to a friend. We often think we don't want to burden but that's what friends are for & how we manage as humans we are sociable & enjoy helping others. If you were my friend I'd want to know & offer comfort or help in some way. Failing that just take a afternoon/ evening out with a close friend for some 'me' time
Please also seek help to learn how to cope with how you are feeling
Sounds like life has been tough & it's understandable the way you feel.
People do need you they do love you sometimes when we feel crappy it's just hard to see

Sending big hugs

OP I’m sorry you are feeling so low just now.

Have you spoken to your GP about how you feel? I think that will be an important first step.

Sorry OP. I've a friend & relative who both reached breaking point (one suicidal) after running up enormous debts (talking £100K) They both had help from citizens advice to do debt consolidation agreements with all the companies they owed, just paying back a small amount slowly, agreed on what they could afford.
I'm sure you could get some of the same help?
Are your children old enough for you to now work? Don't worry about your CV, mine in appalling & I've got jobs. You could even do some office/warehouse temping?

Are you sure you can't confide in anyone? Everyone has problems in their life and are often relieved to hear they're not alone in struggling with life, it can actually bring people closer together.

This book has great tools to help you cope better with life:-

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0380810336/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1526200465&sr=8-1