Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

My get up and go has gone

28 replies

losty · 15/05/2007 09:35

Feeling absolutely awful today. I think I prefered it when I had no feelings and was numb, but now I just feel dreadful. How do I get back to that numb zombie state? This has to be worse

OP posts:

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 09:35

i know how you feeling

Original poster

losty · 15/05/2007 09:36

Its cr@p isnt it?

OP posts:

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 09:41

sure is , i just sat here feeling crap not moved off sofa since got up at 7 not sure wat i gonna do today xxxxxx

Original poster

losty · 15/05/2007 09:45

sorry to hear that KT but I know exactly how you feel. I am a bit more mobile, eg I am up and about, but just feel so terrible. I seem to have moved from a trance like state where I couldnt care less what was happening and didnt even know what I was doing most of the time, to a very aware state but one in which I have no desire to keep existing in.

It is bl&&dy awful.

OP posts:

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 09:48

sounds familiar wat a pair eh lol how old are your kiddies. wat you got planned today

Earthymama · 15/05/2007 09:50

It seems endless and that no other way of being will ever be an option.
I have had years of this and it's lurking at the moment. I'm using my Lightbox to try to combat it.
Say well done to yourselves for even looking at MN, I bet you've had days when that was beyond you.
I'll be sending good vibes your way today, listen out for them,
EM

Original poster

losty · 15/05/2007 09:51

Mine are almost 3 and nearly 5. the eldest is at school. Youngest at home. Taking him to a playgroup this morning. Tons to do at home though. I have never lived in such an unorganised messy house. But I have no inclination or energy to do anyting about it. I am hoping it will all go away or I one day I wont wake up. sound familiar?

OP posts:

Original poster

losty · 15/05/2007 09:52

thansk EM, that is v kind, and it sounds like you know what I am talking about. The difference being though that you are trying to do something about it. I really cant be bothered any more. I want to find a corner and curl up in it

OP posts:

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 09:53

ta earthymama i need all the good vibes i can get today . it doesnt help with it being so wet and dull outside

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 09:56

mine are 9 and 13 . i been like i am since youngest was born . i sick of the mess the endless chores, cooking , cleaning, washing . i just want me back xxxxx

Original poster

losty · 15/05/2007 09:58

That's a long time KT, you poor thing, but a very common feeling I suspect. I dont want me back. In fact I dont want anything back. I just want out. Good luck today. I know how hard it is. x

OP posts:

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 10:01

you try have good day too losty ill get my chores done if you do yours too wat ya recon . we can help each other it not easy i know xxxxx

Earthymama · 15/05/2007 10:03

Four or five years ago I was in this position exactly and all the days then blur into one.
I'd given up a fab job, lost all my confidence, could not see why anyone would value me at all, despite having the most supportive partner and amazing children.
I tackled it very slowly through medication, CBT,self help books, and then as the blackness and emptiness began to retreat, through finding a role that made me feel valued.
One of the things that has helped is being in the garden, which is tiny but always needs something doing. It's very calming and I've got an allotment now. Everything else seems to recede a bit when you are up to your bits in pig-poo!Try reading Monty Don, he's suffered most of his life.
I would also recommend a Light Box as I know the lack of light definately plays a huge part in influencing my mood.
I'll never fulfill all the potential I have but hey, I'm here and I'm in love and I adore my family.

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 10:09

thankyou em i envy the way you have tackled depression , wish i could be as possative as you too.my hubby is great and very supportive, he hates going to work and leaving me when i so down,i try and pretend i ok ,but he can see i not, i feel like a big fat usless let down to my family

Earthymama · 15/05/2007 10:35

I know you do, and I know how real that feels. Try to get yourself to a therapist or a CPN through the doctor, take the medication, read about it, you'll realise you aren't alone.
That mirror you look into and see such an awful person isn't real; it's your depression mirror. Try to listen to just one nice think your DH says without rejecting it, it's hard but you WILL get there and you'll be stronger for it.
I'm off now but I promise to think about you, losty and ktm often and to send some blessings your way.
EM

Earthymama · 15/05/2007 10:36

or even one nice THING oops!

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 11:11

thanyou em xxx

DimpledThighs · 15/05/2007 11:12

only rad OP as in hurry but something htat works for me at times like this is planning out the day in hour slots - makes it producitve and copable.

Best wishes.

ktmoomoo · 15/05/2007 11:18

thankyou for the advice dimpledthighs xx

pinglepops · 15/05/2007 11:54

Hi there

How low can you go and not actually end it ? I feel jealous of Isabella Blow for actually finishing it all with Paraquat. How sick is that ? The only reason I am not getting of this bus is that it would devestate my daughter (13).I need to be alive for her, yet how I am now is not living. She is at boarding school 125 miles away (scholarship at charitable school; we are stony broke)and I am a total mess. Retreated to bed yesterday at 7pm and am still in pyjamas now; despite loads to do (am freelance self employed). Have CBT appt at 3pm today with a computer at local surgery (Beating the Blues initiative). I know I 'should' be back on meds when I feel this bad (ie when my functionality is zero, no productivity, can't stop crying, overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and worthlessness and self loathing etc etc)but having spent almost a lifetime on and off them, I am heartily sick of living with side effects. In short; life with or without them is something which no longer appeals to me enough to participate in it 'properly'. What a selfish, self absorbed fat cow I am. Any advice ? Have had years of therapy, been treated as both in and out patient. Tried every type of alternative and conventional therapy... but the truth is.. depression sucks and seems to be my lifelong companion/enemy. Husband is saintly but I just can't seem to pick myself up enough to 'join in' when he tries valiantly to help me. Thoughts are downward spiralling and exhausting. Need to keep going for dd.. but how ? DESPERATE.

fizzledizzle · 15/05/2007 12:02

pinglepops hang in there. i suffered pnd , then ongoing depression for many years. when you feel like this you need to be on your meds. i know it sucks (i had lots of side effects)but it needs to be done. the endless rounds of meds/therapy. felling better coming off then going back on can be a pain in the a**e but if they make you feel better surely its worth it?

pinglepops · 15/05/2007 12:14

Surely it's worth it, you said. That's the bit I'm struggling with. Even at my medicated, fully functioing (more or less) 'best' I feel dislocated, agitated, not really 'here', riddled with insomnia, self loathing and anxiety.. and that'e me at my 'best' ?! When dd is away at school (she went back on Sunday for 3 weeks, plus she's off to France on French exchange so won't see her for almost all of half term boo hoo, then another 3 weeks of school, then she's home for a heartbreakingly short time of Fri night until Sun lunch) I am finding myself in suspended animation. This is her second year there. I was medicated through the first year. She has just moved house at school having been bullied for 18 months, and is now really happy and settled. This relief (?) seems to have acted as some sort of trigger for a major onset of what feels very like a breeakdown.

fizzledizzle · 15/05/2007 12:24

pinglepops really try to get back to the doctor. if what hes doing for you isnt helping, try to insist on something else. i know its hard when it drags on year after year. i went through a period a couple of years ago when i had just had enough of it, i seemed to get back on my feet for a little while when it would suddenly appear again and id be dragged back down, but dont give up hope.After nearly 12 years of being 'ill' ive been ok for nearly 2 years . no meds no nothing . dont ever give up hope , i know its hard but hang in there

pinglepops · 15/05/2007 12:43

You mention 12 years of being ill with depression. I think part of what's up with me at the mo is that I have been like this since I was 14, or even before, but treated since 14. I'm in early 40's now, so that's about 30 years of depression, which is way too long and in itself is depressing. Really feel by now that I have tried most things, and at best, they offer a 'degree of functionality' rather than a real improvement and quality of life. That said, I might have to go for that again if this 8 week course of CBt with a computer doesn't improve my functioning skills. My brain chemistry just seems to be cr*p. I have a lot of serious depressive illness in my gene pool, which doesn't help methinks, and seeing what my relatives went through all their adult lives is not cheering... suicide attempts, long term depression and isolation.. plus my brother in law did actually succeed in his suicide attempt earlier this year (leaving five children) so thoughts of it are all around as being a real and understandable option. Wondering which would be worse for my dd ? A dead mother or a mother permanently wrestling with depression/ on and off meds/crying/miserable/insomniac/self loathing/cynical/downbeat.. and that's on a good day ?! Found myself thinking seriously about whether my life insurance would pay out of I ended my life myself, so that dd would have some compensation and dh could cope fiscally.

fizzledizzle · 15/05/2007 12:48

pinglepop perhaps you bil suicide has caused this dip. one of my friends commited suicide while i was pregnant with my first son, the devastation it caused her family had to be seen to be believed (as im sure you know) it really isnt the answer

losty hope you are doing ok

Flip

1 2