My get up and go has gone

[losty]

Feeling absolutely awful today. I think I prefered it when I had no feelings and was numb, but now I just feel dreadful. How do I get back to that numb zombie state? This has to be worse

Good point. It certainly can't have helped, although how I am feeling now, is actively jealous of people who have actually managed to go through with it. Not healthy, but honest. I feel disassociated and odd and isolated mentally and emotionally whether on or off medication. Actually, the chief trigger I think was a cluster of events; my dd being badly bullied at school, although that has sorted now. Also, her best friend's mum died of breast cancer 18 months ago, and wrote a book about her experience. The daughter (understandably) is very cold, hostile and resentful towards me.. essentially for being alive, which I totally understand but which is adding to my feelings of guilt and self loathing. Also of course, I feel devoured by guilt that here am I, alive and 'well' and yet feeling that my death would be a blessing to all, and here, or rather, here isn't.. this lovely lady I never met, who would have given anything to have spent more time alive. I recently had tests for bowel cancer (clear) and secretly hoped I had it so I could have a guilt free exit. Sick or what ?

All these stories make me sad, depression is so common but so little is really known.
I've just posted to ask how you all are, and to say I sent my blessings all day, especially when in the garden.
Did you see this article in Guardian
I'm convinced that being outdoors helps, will it be possible for you to have a 10 minute walk?
Take care today,EM

gosh, lots of people sharing stories. How are you all today?