Self harm - Not a big deal?

[NothingElse]

Any opinions? For context I've harmed myself since I was a teenager, well 11/12. Recently started on a regular basis again (never actually stopped), fairly bad burns I guess, they get worse because I pick them open again and again every day.
The thing is my belief is that self harm is no longer seen as a big deal, most people do it and it's kind of not something that needs to be addressed. To be honest, knowing that is kind of liberating which is why I'm doing it more regularly and giving in to it rather than deal with the panic, frustration and feelings by resisting.
Just checking with the wisdom of mumsnet that I'm not being deluded or weird in my thinking.
Absolutely not advocating that others start hurting themselves, please don't. Just me, I don't feel anyway.

I'm sorry, but while you're certainly not unique in hurting yourself, it simply isn't true to say that most people do it. I see it as a big deal, and would strongly encourage you to get help.

I think it's becoming more understood, but just like anything that damages oneself it needs addressing.

I had exactly this conversation with my therapist a few months ago when I said that I didn't see why more people didn't do it. He asked how I would feel if it was my son/daughter who was in so much pain that they felt compelled to hurt themselves and that made me realise that I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know I've normalised it but it's really not something that most people feel compelled to do. Please seek help.

It's still a big deal - we tend to self-select into groups that reinforce our lifestyle choices though (so we follow people on social media who make similar choices to us, pick out or pay more attention to TV programmes or news stories that reinforce and normalize our choices). One thing that has happened is that people have worked out that constantly bringing attention to self harm puts additional pressure on the person self harming and makes it likely they'll do it more, and hide it better. It's also become clear that things like taking away the thing they're self harming with don't work, and can be quite dangerous.

So no, not normal but you may be experiencing different reactions to it.

It is a big deal and does need to be addressed (and I saw that as someone who has self harmed in the past) because you need a better solution to your problems. And gangrene is not going to help.

*say

I personally think it's a big deal, and you should try to seek help.

On the contrary, from health care providers, the attitude I've mostly come across is that it's not a big deal if it poses no risk to your life. The messages I get from HPCs is that yes, it's very common, and that's about it. Neither GPs, mental health professionals or A&E staff have ever really payed much attention to mine, since I keep it from getting infected, and it's not serious enough to pose a risk to life. Therapist only cares as far as it's a general sign of how well or unwell I seem to doing in general.

Most people don't do it.
It is a big deal.
This is weird thinking.

I think that self harm is something that is used as a way of coping with stress. If its not something that is done to end your life or at high risk of causing permanent injury many professionals now probably don't consider it a big enough deal to make a huge fuss about unless you end up at a point of crises. However, that doesn't mean it's not worth addressing.

It's really hard to unlearn coping mechanisms you have developed in childhood (I say this as someone who has a few tricky ones of my own), but it can be done and ideally I think everyone would rather have ways of managing stress that don't involved harm to themselves. While I don't think anyone should feel ashamed of self harming or be forced to stop suddenly and without support, I do think it's a good idea to slowly work towards finding alternatives that are less likely to become risky to yourself.

I guess whether most people do it depends on what you would class as self harm. If you include drinking to excess than you might have a point, but as my mother used to say, 'if everyone jumped off a cliff would you do it?'.

I’m the same as you, OP. I haven’t self-harmed in nearly 30 years and now I’ve started again. It is a big deal to me: I conceal that I am doing it to everyone on a daily basis. Yesterday I told a close friend who now says I’m trying to emotionally blackmail him. So I’ve disconnected from everyone today and am retracting into my head.
I do think it is a big deal but I realise it is more common than it was when I was young. Old women like me don’t usually self-harm.

Not everyone does it (I used to); in fact I would say most people do not do it. It is a massive deal and NOT a good coping mechanism. Apart from anything else, you're putting yourself at risk of infections, and in this age of declining antibiotic effectiveness, that's a really bad idea. Time to see a GP.

Sympathise with you OP. I have recently started again,nothing major just small cuts but the relief is immense. I wouldn't say it's common or that most people do it. I understand people saying go to doctors, and by all means do if you haven't already, but I'm in situation in which I have been and all they've done is print off the Samaritans numbers for me!

Just to clarify I'm not wanting anyone to make a deal of it and I never have/never would tell or show anyone. It's not about that. It's a release, that's all.

I do understand, honestly. It's why people self harm - because in the moment, it helps. Are there other ways you could get that relief though, without hurting yourself? Running, shouting, stamping on egg boxes, punching pillows, etc?

No, none of those would help. Believe me I would love not to have scarred arms and the rest of my body, I tried other things when I was younger but it's not remotely the same.
And the scars are there now so fuck it I guess

No. It's not healthy. It's not good. You need proper professional help to find what does work. And other things can.

Oh, it is a big deal love!

I understand the psychological reasons, the release, the coping mechanism for stress, the self dislike, the translating emotional pain into something physical to have it make more sense..... but these are the reasons why, not good reasons!

I don’t think it’s more common place now, just more openly spoken about. I don’t think you are looking for attention at all, that’s a big misconception.

You can get help with the reasons you are doing this. Talk to a professional, because these reasons will be affecting you in all sorts of ways and obviously something set this off. By dealing with these, you’ll get some peace from all of it and the way it all impacts on you. Self harm is temporary release, not a fix and as you say, it leaves awkward reminders that don’t make you feel good later.

Definitely seek some help, therapy could help lots. You deserve better

I think it’s become more common for teens to try it out, for want of a better word, but only a small number of people get addicted to it. Much like cocaine, lots of people experiment, only a few develop a problem. I think this might be what distorts your impression of the prevalence of it.

It was certainly much less common when I started nearly 20 years ago. I knew a few people that had done it. They all but one stopped before late teens, and never got to severity mine did. For me it was much harder to kick, and tbh I didn’t want to stop. It was a crap coping method but it did work, and for me felt less damaging overall than drink or drugs. But I did stop, now 6 years self harm free. I stopped initially for others, but then it became for me. I still struggle with not doing it almost all the time, like an alcoholic I think I’ll always be a self harmer, but hopefully a non-harming one. Sometimes the pressure build up is so intense, but I know other ways to release it now that don’t hurt me. I know what you mean about already being scarred so who cares, but it’s more than that. I walk around with my past literally on my sleeve for the world to see, in a way a few more scars wouldn’t make a difference, but the longer I go the stronger I feel and the better able I am to deal with my emotions in many ways. Not harming is an outward symbol of my recovery. Everyone carries their past with them in some way, for self harmers our scars invite people into our past whether we like it or not. My scars are fairly extensive and can not be mistaken for accidental. People do still judge I’m sure of it. But I choose not to cover mine, it would be for other people not myself. I know I’m in the minority there though. I never wanted to live in fear of the secret coming out, so I don’t keep it a secret.

It is absolutely possible to stop, and it is a big deal because even by basic standards, a happy, functional person doesn’t harm themselves. It’s a huge flag showing the pain underneath. You can be a happy functional person, there is a way out and it can get better. I know I would have called bullshit on that if you’d said to me ten years ago, but it’s true and I feel I should at least try to pass that on. Please try and seek alternative options, there is another way.

I think it’s been ‘normalised’ by social media, which lots of people out and proud about it. But as others have said- it’s not ‘normal’ and the majority don’t do it- but a small minority advertise the fact they do, and therefore appear to normalise it. Whilst I don’t think it should be taboo, and I don’t think you should be judged for it, it’s dangerous to accept it as ‘normal’ and therefore continue or escalate your behaviour

You are right in thinking that it is, relatively, common (that doesn't mean the same as 'most people do it') and that it isn't always a huge ptoblem, in that it isn't necessarily life threatening BUT you are hurting yourself in a way that you wouldn't even consider hurting others and that demonstrates a problem in your thinking. You are every bit as worthy as anyone else of a life free from physical pain and scars and I really hope that you can learn to take care if yourself physically and emotionally as though you were the precious, unique individual that you are xc

What Calypso said.

I self harmed for years and had the same scary thinking you seem to - that's it's not a big deal, that I had it under control, that lots of people do it so it's okay. Until I hurt myself so badly I could have died, drunk and alone in my student halls. Luckily a flatmate heard me sobbing and sorted me out. It was at that point I got help.

When I was 14 a lot of my friends and acquaintances used to self harm, everything from 'chicken stratches' (scratching yourself with fingernails until you bleed) to actual cutting, burning etc. People are different and some people I found did 'dabble' in self harm, simply out of interest, they weren't actually interested in hurting themselves. For these people I guess it wasn't a big deal as it was even thought of as a bit of fun. For myself and another friend who spent every day wishing we wanted to die for the next 5 years, it wasn't like that at all. To me it was a big deal, it was, along with food, my biggest vice. A coping mechanism and a crutch but also a huge danger.

Please don't minimise self harm.

I hope for the best for you and that you get to a place where you don't need to harm yourself any more.

The thing is, not seeing it as a big deal is all tied in with it, so yes that’s not ‘normal’ thinking I’m afraid.

It’s absolutely not a healthy way to deal with stress.

It's a big deal in my opinion.

I was someone who used to SH, (although I always used to hate that term and never thought it applied to me), and had the same argument that other ways of venting feelings don't feel the same, although now having fought those urges, having a few more years of life behind me and having kids I can see it from a different perspective.

As mynameiscalypso has said, I would be absolutely crushed if anyone around me now decided that this was the best way to relieve any way that they were feeling, especially if they had seen that I had done it and got the idea from me. It is not normal healthy behaviour.

Like any other negative behaviour, if the person doing it can find a way of rationalising it, normalising it, and belittling it, it can then become justified. It's all a cycle really.

There is so much more help available now though, even if you have to be on a waiting list for it, (she says having just been accepted for another round of talking therapy), and even the worst scars can usually be covered by make up or tattoos etc. so it really doesn't need to be 'sod it, I've already got scars so there's no point in trying to stop'. There is always a way to stop a behaviour like this, and a way to make a 'fresh start' if you would like to?

I'm in the process of planning various tattoos, including a beautiful sleeve which will cover anything untoward from my past. I will be proud to show it off (not that I've absolutely hidden my scars away for a good while now but I am always conscious of them and will wear long sleeves in certain situations or now how to hold my arm to hide the worst etc.), it will be a fresh start...

Please don't give up, it doesn't have to be like this xx

Its a big deal for you because as you say you dont want the scars. So you are actually doing something you dont really want to do and dont have control over and that is what the problem is.

I was a self harmer from the age of 10 and actually I dont think it does help to make it into a big issue, I agree that people overreact to it.
HOWEVER if you dont want to be doing it and are doing it that is a problem. It can become very addictive and before you know it you are covered in scars and also thinking about it all the time.

I stopped gradually over the years. I didnt put too much pressure on myself which I think is the key.
If you have a really bad day and you end up self harming its not the end of the world but I do think you should try and not do it. Because it can get out of control and you dont sound like you actually want these scars on you.

I pretty much stopped by my late twenties but I have self harmed twice (during both my pregnancies due to stress) I find it best to draw a line under it if you do do it and not be too hard on yourself... but also to put a bit of effort into distracting yourself if you do feel like doing it.

For me something which really helps is walking. I just go out for a long walk by myself. No matter what time of day or night it is or the weather and just walk very fast paced until im tired out. That usually takes the edge of the overwhelming emotional reaction im having.

I would try and find things that you can have a go at doing instead of this self harm which leaves a permanent mark on you.
Just be kind to yourself and do your best.
Theres a middle ground where you try your best not to do it but do not turn on yourself and make a big deal with yourself about it if sometimes you do end up doing it.

You're all probably right. I was kind of hoping to deny that anything was wrong. And hurting myself helps to keep a lid on it.

Still not sure of a good solution though. Strongly dislike counselling or any kind of talking to anyone about it.
Not trying to be deliberately unhelpful or ignore advice. It helps slightly to talk about here.