Absolute fear of dying and leaving my children

[1BubblebathAddict]

I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old. Ever since having my youngest the fear of death has crept up on me. Today before writing this I have just broken down (my asda delivery is due in a minute, he'll think I'm strange with bulging red eyes!). Anyway, I find as soon as I want to sleep, death is in my head. I wake to go to the toilet in the night and the thought is there again. I don't think it's the act of dying, it's the idea of my children not having me around. It just creeps up on me no matter what I'm doing. I know we will all die eventually but I just can't get rid of the overwhelming sadness of not seeing their little faces. I already have social anxiety and find just recently it's playing up again. I had CBT a few years ago for it, it worked to an extent. Is this worth bothering the Gp as I don't feel it does. Please if anyone is similar to me, leave me a comment. I can't keep living like this, I feel so stupid because of it x

Hi, please make an appointment to see your GP. There is medication and other treatment to help you. I've had the feelings you describe and they are very overwhelming so please don't struggle and don't think you're being "stupid" or "silly". Lots of people have these feelings especially new parents and your GP will be able to help xx

I'm afraid I have no answers but just wanted to say that I have been experiencing similar thoughts for about a year now. They are about either me or DD dying and it seems to have grown out of my long-standing social anxiety too, and the more recent travel phobia and random panic attacks I've been having, and now it's just uncontrollable. It's with me every waking hour and often wakes me at night too. Every complaint of pain I have or DD mentions gives me that deep stomach-churning feeling of terror. Every news article. Every possible means of injury or death in every situation we are in weigh on my mind constantly. It's exhausting.

I feel like I can't enjoy any of the happiness we have because I'm always thinking of what could go wrong or how I/she will look back in sadness when one of us is gone. I well up looking at her little angelic sleeping face "knowing" that tragedy is going to occur, as if it's already happened and I'm looking back through my memories of her, if that makes sense. I know that sounds awful, and it is, but I do not feel in any way in control of these thoughts anymore.

I keep thinking I'll snap out of it, but it's just getting worse. I've never really understood anxiety/agoraphobia until now but I can see that my world is getting smaller, the places I'm willing to go and situations I'm willing to put myself and DD in are getting smaller and smaller, and I can just imagine that will carry on until I'm afraid to even leave the house.

I have also grown this fear within the last two years. I will often cry with the thought of leaving my children behind. I have five. My first 14 and my youngest 5. The Thought of them being
Alone in this world and maybe not having each other make me cry every now and then and is getting more frequent. Whenever I am alone or before sleeping.

I am a Muslim, English revert. I once read/heard
that we should never really smother our children with love too much. Instead of care for them
In what we think are doing in the natural loving way, it’s is actually better to try and simmer that affection and put it into preparing them from as young as possible to be strong and independent and not too emotional.

We have been chosen to not just be the loving cooing parents of these small humans, but we are also their teachers and guardians preparing them for the world.

This probably doesn’t help sorry, but I’m
Also a massive scatter brain.
I am sure that the more effort we put into
Making our children Independent and less overly affectionate the more
Confident and stronger we will become.
Learn them to be sociable and if your uncomfortable in social situations, throw them
Into
Things like ballet, karate, swimming etc where you leave them for the hour alone!!

We will all be fine

I'm so sorry, Bubblebath. It is, apparently, not uncommon to feel like that. I knew somebody with two children who, when the youngest was a baby, believed she would fall down dead and leave them motherless. It was horrible while it lasted but - it doesn't last. You will feel differently before long.

Take care of yourself.

Sorry @Scattermum not sure where you learnt that making kids less "emotional" prepares them for the world. Showing emotion and encouraging that is vital to growth and having a strong bond with their parents and those around them and this is taught in Islam too. The system you are citing is cultural and is flawed in so many aspects. I am a muslim too..

I more than likely worded it wrong
Sorry.
It sounds terrible. Something I would be incapable of anyway as I am
The most affectionate of all
Towards my children.

I hope to help my children to be strong and independent but not too reliant on emotion if that makes sense.

As a Muslim
You should understand what I mean I think when I say that children are not our possessions or things to take pride in
But are borrowed as such to help
Grow and guide in this world to make the best decisions etc.

I didn’t mean not to feel love or
Show.

Originally
I wanted to say how I feel
About dying
And leaving my children alone in the world

This is anxiety. At a level that means it's GP time.

Yes go. It's affecting your life a lot.

CBT I found shit when I had PND/ anxiety that manifested in massive fear around certain things that stemmed from protective instincts in overdrive.

ADs helped.

See your doc.

Are you with a partner? Do they know how you're feeling?

Yes @Scattermum of course we have to raise them correctly and to be self aware and how to be independent as they grow. I just wanted to clarify what you said for any non Muslims reading it.

@Sunshine4you thankyou

@Scattermum

As a Muslim You should understand what I mean I think when I say that children are not our possessions or things to take pride in But are borrowed as such to help Grow and guide in this world to make the best decisions etc.

I didn’t mean not to feel love or
Show.

Originally
I wanted to say how I feel
About dying
And leaving my children alone in the world

I'm an atheist and I have this POV.

my children are their own people. Not mini me.

My job is to look after them, keep them healthy and strong, encourage them to think for themselves etc etc etc

And give them the confidence tools etc to become independent happy etc adults.

My job is to prepare them so they want to leave, live their own lives.

My DH I suspect feels differently!

I had a similar fear and ended up with health anxiety too. My fear stopped me enjoying anything. Eventually I started to challenge my fear of death/the future by contradicting the thought and saying "but I'm ok today". Every time I had the thought I'd contradict it. Initially it was hundreds of times a day but day by day the fear reduced and I dont have it anymore.

@Notsandwiches
Thank you
This is
Helpful

@BoundByBriars

my mind constantly. It's exhausting.

'I feel like I can't enjoy any of the happiness we have because I'm always thinking of what could go wrong or how I/she will look back in sadness when one of us is gone. I well up looking at her little angelic sleeping face "knowing" that tragedy is going to occur, as if it's already happened and I'm looking back through my memories of her, if that makes sense. I know that sounds awful, and it is, but I do not feel in any way in control of these thoughts anymore.'

You have described so perfectly how I feel. I can't enjoy any of the lovely bits, they just make me cry because I feel they are memories just like you said.
My little boy (4) said to me tonight 'mum I love you. When you're not alive any more I will always remember you and still love you'
I'm now lying beside him while he sleeps absolutely breaking my heart.
I just look at his little innocence and can't bear the thought if ever being apart from him 😢 I just feel so sad all the time and there's barely a day goes by that I don't cry about it 😔
How are you now? Do you still feel the same or did things change for you? I've felt like this since he was born but it's even worse now I think. The older he gets I just cry at the thought of losing him, or vice versa. He is my whole world ❤️ xx

I have this too, and it’s really quite unbearable at the moment. Mine is manifesting as health anxiety (aimed at me) currently and I’ve run through five different cancer worries/investigations in the past three months, as I’m convinced I’m going to leave my precious little girl. She is the most beautiful little thing and so affectionate and I’m just gulping back tears every day at the moment. As PP described, I see her in an almost filmic way, looking back at memories of when we were happy, when actually I should be in the moment and enjoying it. Whenever she is sick my heart is crippled with terror. I’ve had to hold off rushing to A&E for every little fever or tummy bug.

My husband is at his wits’ end with me and I’m at breaking point too, so on Friday I will be picking up my first prescription for anti-anxiety medication and going for it. I cannot live my life this way anymore, I might as well have the terminal illness I fear for all the enjoyment I’m getting out of life 😔 my daughter is four and starting to understand that mummy isn’t well too, and I cannot have her scarred by all this madness.

Massive hugs and strength to you all. I’ve never felt so low and I know you must all be feeling similar to have posted here.

The horribly ironic thing is that your stress and fear ARE going to have a negative effect on your physical health so the more you worry about dying while your children are young the greater the risk (although it IS absolutely tiny).

By all mean talk to your GP but also consider going back to counselling, taking to your faith adviser (if you have one), try hypnosis, and/or do some research on the chances of anything actually happening to you (also tiny). Do something now, because your children will be picking up on your terror.

Yes I agree. Please don't stop at antidepressants. Go to therapy and work this through. We all have to reconcile ourselves as best we can with the idea that we are mortal, but carrying this fear daily will impact your kids. Mine turned into massive health anxiety too for me and my children. I have come out the other side now so there is hope I believe. Take care and good luck. x

You need to seek help but should also try and alleviate the anxiety by ensuring that practically you have things in place so that you can rest assured that your DC will be OK.
Be this I mean,
Get life insurance sorted so financial security is OK.
Make arrangements for you DC guardianship in writing.
Make a will with your financial and general wishes for their future upbringing and care made clear.

If you make these provisions then at least some of your wishes will be known and written down and your anxiety might reduce.

I think everyone is fearful of leaving loved ones behind, it's natural, you just need to put it into perspective and counselling might assist in this.

It would be a shame to waste living life to the full, having fun, enjoyment and creating happy memories with you DC now by being consumed with worry over an event which most likely won't happen until you DC are adult and no longer rely on you.

You said it. You can’t keep living like this.
Go to the GP. Pick up the phone and make an appointment.
You DO NOT have to live like this, it is miserable. For you, and for your family.

I too am feeling all of this at the moment. I find myself obsessing over every little twinge. I sit googling symptoms. The fear of leaving my children behind is very real. I've convinced myself I have M.S, bone cancer and cervical cancer all in one week.
Today, I'm tearful. I keep looking at them and wondering how they'll cope without me. I don't feel like I can tell my partner - he's not the most sympathetic, I can't tell family as they have their own lives and I have no friends to speak of.

I have never felt more alone. Reading the replies here have reassured me that I'm not the only one going through this.

The thing about this type of anxiety is that it's impossible to recognise it as anxiety or thoughts as irrational when you're in the thick of it.

Definitely speak to your GP. Tell them everything that you've written here. Our GP is using econsult like a lot of others. Although it's impersonal, it's strangely helpful to write everything down before you actually speak with a doctor.

I feel the exact same.

I wish I could shake it.
I don’t really know what to tell myself.
The scary part is…. The future is the unknown… I’m always worried something may happen to me and I haven’t said goodbye, or I think of myself having an illness and having a longer time to say goodbye which absolutely kills me to think about. It is possibly my worst fear.

Hi OP, I'm exactly the same - I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety manifesting as health anxiety in 2019 after having my first DD. I was petrified of dying and leaving her, DH and my DP's. I went to Mind for counselling which really helped, and was put on sertraline by my GP but I stupidly stopped taking it. It wasn't as prominent after having my second DD 2 years ago, but now it's back with a vengeance. It's more now a mix of having my booster last week and worrying about side effects - in reality, I suffer with very low B12 and iron which causes palpitations and shortness of breath when low, and my anxiety also causes the same symptoms, and both are side effects of the booster. I've just been re-prescribed 50mg Sertraline this morning which I've promised myself I'm going to take daily and not try and battle this myself and my GP is going to do full bloods to check all my levels for peace of mind.

Please speak to your GP - there are lots of us here with similar experiences and a chat with your GP about how you're feeling is the first step to take. Good luck

I should also mention that I've had 4 trips to the breast clinic as well! The first I actually found a lump which, thankfully, turned out to be a normal, fatty lump, and the other three times they couldn't feel anything.

I've also had a referral for a lymph node on my neck which has always been able to be felt above the skin, but my anxiety convinced me it was something sinister - another referral and everything was thankfully normal.

I find if you have an understanding GP, it really is half the battle