Worried About myself, dont know what to do

[julezboo]

Hey all

Im turning into a real panicky person (dont even know if thats a word) An ex got in touch out of the blue sending a card to my ds whos 5, luckily i got to the card first so my ds hasnt seen it, but this ex forced my DS to call him daddy and mentally abused us for 2 years.

Now I am turning into a neurotic mother with both my boys, for eg, this afternoon I got back from coffee morning opened the windows to let air in. Made the beds and sat down to feed the baby. I heard a noise coming from Ds's bedroom and I ended up in such a state, crying, shaking, sobbing DS isnt even here! He was at school, turns out we have a bird stuck in our wall, but my reaction wasnt normal was it?

Im worried about how far things coould go, Im constantly poking both my boys in the night, if i hear the slightest thing in the middle of the night I wont go back to sleep no matter how tired I am, Im wearing myself out and dont know what to do. Ive recently been put on citlopram since baby was 5 weeks old (hes now 12 weeks) Feel like Im losing the plit completely!!

citlopram for PND and I meant plot

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try nlp. you just have to sit and listen for an hour and thats it. seems like you are teaching yourself to be phobic and you may well succeed. you need some help to change how you think.
sorry about the mentally abused, i know that it is the worst form of abuse that there is.

Summerfruit Ive told DP hes trying his best to understand why.

dontwanttogetoutofbed - Whats NLP?? Have never heard of it.

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yes, well about 6/7 weeks ago, is it a side effect of the AD's do you think?

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It sounds to me that you're having a reaction to the birthday card and the abuse is all coming flooding back to you. It could be a side effect of the ADs - they react in different ways. I'm on Citalopram myself for depression and anxiety. In fact I feel for you as I am struggling with a mentally abusive husband who has said he is leaving me. Have you had counselling?

thankyou summerfruit

in all honesty I dont think he will come back, but then again, he went through the hassle of finding my new address to send him a card, 'from daddy' with a picture of him in it. I sent it back inc pic and money that he enclosed, we are happy and settled now, he doesnt deserve to have him in his life.

But 2 years ago when i left him he tried to kill himself and told me back then that if he wanted to he could take my DS and leave the country and i wouldnt be able to find them ever again. i keep replaying this sentence over and over in my head. He is not his real dad and never ever acted like a father to my DS.

bighair - Im sorry you are going through all that

I havnt had councilling, Ive been referred to a PND group but tbh Im not one for talking in a big group. Ive only just plucked up the courage to go to mums and babys coffee morning with all the same ladies I was with at aquanatal, my baby is 12 weeks old today. Im a shy person.

Maybe i should sk my GP to refer me to a counciller?

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Thanks Summerfruit and Julezboo. He has threatened to leave me about 15 times but this time I think it's for real. Prob for the best but I was divorced previously due to cheating husband and now this. It's hard to live with someone when you are walking on eggshells and everything you do upsets them.

Julezboo, sounds like a combo of PND and post traumatic stuff happening for you at mo. One on one counselling could be good. I think you are being really strong and anyone would have a bad reaction to what's happening at mo with the card and all that. Be kind to yourself and get some support from family and friends if poss.

julez-abusive men often use threats to try and scare you into doing what they want,but most of them are just pathetic cowards and are all talk.

i hope you have confided in your dp about how you're feeling and the issues with your ex etc.

when i split up with my xp(father of my ds and dd1)he used to threaten to take the children away etc,sometimes i used to lay in bed at night awake thinking every noise i heard was him trying to break in.i dont know exactly how it happened,but one day i woke up and realised i just wasnt scared of him anymore,and after that nothing he said bothered me.

bighair-threatening to leave is just another way of being abusive IMO,'do things my way or i'll leave'.if you dont actually want to be with him anymore,then just say 'ok-the doors over there,bye'.i bet you he wouldnt go anywhere,but might try to find something esle to bully you with.you dont have to put up with it.i was with a violent man for 4 years,and then 2 years later i met somebody else who turned out to be a compulsive liar/gambler and was also violent in the end.i felt like a fool for what i saw as making the same mistake twice!but now i know it wasnt my fault,and i am with a lovely(most of the time)man.

thanks bighair and Divastrop.

This ex went a bit mental tbh, my new DP moved to be with me got a job closer to where we live and this ex (who by the way didnt have a job the whole time I was with) turned up working at DP's place and shook DP's hand and introduced himself! I couldnt believe the nerve of him and DP got a bit of a shock too.

DP knows about the card, as soon as I collected it from the sorting office I rung him at work, cos as far as we knew he didnt know where we lived. Ive warned the school in case he tries to pick DS up so apart from making sure we lock the doors of a night (never used to have to as we live in a lovely area) Theres not much more we can do really.

Ive Spoke to DP tonight and agreed with him Im gonna go back to the doctors.

Thanks for all your support girls x x x

Bighair - I agree with the others honey if you dont want to be there and he keeps threatening you need to get out, getting out was the best move I ever made even If i did do it in a devious way (i pretended he would move eventually cos I just knew he would try stop me and wouldnt let me take anything!)

Good Luck!

Thanks so much for your kind words Divastrop and Julez. He said he was leaving on Monday night, rang flats and all (last time he did it he rang B&Bs right in front of me). I said that's it just go, so he did. He came back hour and half later and when I told him to go because I couldn't take it anymore, he said because I'd told him to leave, he wouldn't. I asked him to sleep downstairs and he refused so I slept downstairs. He then told me I should leave with the two kids or better still, leave with my eldest and he would go for custody of our 4 year old. I was gutted and next day went for legal advice. I am always honest and so when he asked me if I'd sought advice I said I had. He went mad and said he couldn't trust me anymore and couldn't believe I'd taken it this far. Am I going mad or is this bad behaviour? I am questioning myself more and more and it's like he's f*ing with my head. Does this sound unreasonable?

Divastrop - what an awful time you had and I'm so glad to hear that things are good for you now - it gives me hope.

Julez - you're sounding a bit more positive and it's good that you're going to docs and have got such a great partner now. What a horrible thing you've been through with your ex. Sorry, this post has gone on a bit!!

bighair-he is f**king with your head and sounds like a bully to me.the 'i'll get custody' line is straight out of the abusive male's handbook.have you started a thread on here to ask for advice?theres been a few women in similar situations on here ive noticed over the months ive been here,and many others like me who've been through it and come out the other side.

apologies if you've already started a thread or if you've been on MN for ages

Bighair - I agree, hes messing with your head, my ex did this a few times, even went down to london to view flats for himself! He still never ever showed any intentions of going so I did!

I hope the legal advice you got made you realise you can do it sweetie, give me a shout if you need to talk chick.

email address is [email protected]

Anytime Ill do my best to help honey, Ive been there I know how hard it can be to finally make that move to end it.

love J x

Thanks so much Julez and Divastrop for all your support - you're very kind. Feel a bit guilty as you (Julez) started the thread - don't want to hog limelight and all that stuff.

Julez - hows it going with you - are you feeling any better? Let me know how your doc appointment goes.

Things still not changed here. Still in no man's land and feel paralysed about what to do.

Divastrop - no I haven't started a thread but might be a good idea as there must be loads of women out there in my position - as you were. I got into major trouble for going to solicitors - how could I betray him like that!

Bighair dont worry about hogging my limelight!! lol!!

Im doing ok today, DP thinks Im coming down with something though, gone off food, feel like im gonna cry any second! But i didnt get much sleep last night cos of the bird scratching away in the wall. Kids are both in bed now and me and DP are sat in bed with our laptops watching a film.

My docs appt is the 24th, which is a while away I know but I had to make an appt to see a female doc as i found a lump under my armpit and the nipple on the same side has suddenly become inverted! Not doing great for my depression and panics though! But thats the earliest I can get in to see a female doc.

I have lots going on at the mo tbh which is keeping me occupied, my mums having a bad time with a horrid hubby, my mil is in the process of moving bach here (we never got on!) DS is having a hard time at school, going through investigations for dyspraxia and other things. Baby has just had Jabs and DP has a bad tooth infection! phew and breathe!!!! LOL No wonder my mind is working overdrive, maybe i need to runaway for the day on my own!

julez-sound like you have alot to be stessed about.i know its very worrying with the lump thing,i found a lump in my breast 2.5 years ago and had to see a specialist etc.luckilt it was nothing,but there is a history in my family so i was rather worried.i didnt talk to anybody about it htough,which was not a good idea.

i also lost alot of weight at that time as i couldnt eat through worrying.so do keep an eye on yourself and good luck at the docs.

bighair-how are things now?

Diva - its funny you say that about eating. DP is always nagging on at me to eat more, I really only have one big meal a day, unless we eat out which we cannot afford! I just pick at things through the day, mainly toast.

It wouldnt be so bad if I wasnt already so small Im only 9 stone as it is, i just keep putting it down to a side effect of the ad's although I have been like this since baby was born.

Bighair - How are things today honey?

i went down to 9 stone when all that was happening.basically in the same year,i split with my xh,my grandad died and then i found that lump.

my normal weight is about 10-10.5 stone(wish i was that now though)so at 9 stone size 8 clothes were hanging off me.

but i didnt have anybody to encourage me to eat then!

what ad's are you on?my baby is 9 weeks and i have just started on seroxat after being on prozac since i was 12 weeks pregnant.

im on citlopram 20mg, been on them for around 9 weeks now I think

Hi Divastrop and Julez. Julez, sorry to hear about your lump thing under the armpit. Don't know if it's the same thing but I have a small lump under each armpit - feels like a big spot under the skin but you can't see it. They are enlarged lymph nodes which I have had for as long as I can remember. If you've had any kind of infection recently, it could just be this? Not an expert though, just an idea! That worrying thing is awful, I'm very good at that - always thinking there's something really serious wrong with me at the slightest pain! I think it's part of my general anxiety and to do with depression. You've got a lot on at mo so be kind to yourself.

Divastrop, were you depressed when you were pregnant? I had terrible anxiety with my second pregnancy because I dreaded doing the PND thing again (which I did but not so bad). Pregnancy doesn't always feel like a natural thing for women as most people would have you believe.

Things better here. I'm not sure what happened but husband apologised to me in middle of the night and was horrified by what he'd been doing. Don't know what caused the shift but he seems committed to putting things right so positive for the moment and hopefully longer.

Bighair! So glad you come back and posted Ive been wondering how you are. Im glad things seem to be settling down for you.

Thankyou for the explanation about your lumps thats exactly what it feels like a little spot under the skin but you cant see it, in fact I wouldnt be that worried about it if it was accompanied by the inverted nipple that never used to. Better to be safe i suppose.

I did get rather large glands under my armpits when i was pregnant, right at the beginning when the hormone levels shoot up so fast! Then they went when placenta took over and once I had baby they came back again, Doc said they was related to my hormone levels, Maybe its the same thing Im ovulating at the moment so I hope so!

take care x