Therapist wanted to be friends

[JetSetWilly]

Hi I will keep this short as it’s late I’m tired and I’m om my phone not a keyboard but my therapist wanted for us to be friends.

I had six Counselling sessions after being referred by my work which was paid for under insurance. Looking back it’s clear I had/was heading towards a breakdown. Ultimately I was signed off fo work for nearly three months.

After that ran out my counsellor saw me in the therapy offices without charge probably six more times.

Then she saw me for Counselling in my own home For maybe six more times. Then she suggested we go out for a coffee with the kids at a local park. This went on and we then met socially only.

As it turns out she’s not really a friend I want to continue a relationship with. Far too needy and constantly pushing the boundaries which ironically I’ve only learnt how to set through the Counselling she gave me.

This week I told her I thought our relationship was inapprorprite. I feel really bad just cutting her off like that but what she has done is really bad isn’t it?

There’s so much more I could put but this is already long enough and I just wanted to to get it off my chest.

You've done the right thing completely. Even if she wasn't your counsellor if you aren't comfortable with a friendship then you shouldn't actively encourage it to continue.

The fact that she is your counsellor makes it entirely inappropriate. You need to cut both the social and professional sides of this relationship.

Yep, totally right thing to do. Disappointing that she complicated matters for you.

Thank you so much both for your replies. I really haven’t stopped thinking about it all this weekend and am trying to make sense of it all so grateful for the support.

Yes that is the disappointing thing also cheeseytoast as I’ve become a different person since the Counselling she gave me but have had to use the skills she taught me to cut another negative person out of my life!!

I was so unwell end of last year and much stronger now so feel I can see lots of different things clearly. It just feels now like she took advatangee of me.

I just found it REALLY WEIRD like why are you befriending your clients? Makes me angry :(

Does this counsellor work for herself or an organisation? I would seriously consider reporting her as the chances are it's not just you.

I’m a mental health professional and overstepping boundaries and trying to befriend clients is a massive no. It’s partly the distance and objectiveness which allows us to trust enough to enter into therapy and for it to work, and not breaching that is basically rule 1.
She’s in the wrong, not you, and she’s put you in a terribly awkward position, as a client or as a ‘friend’. Stick to your guns and keep your distance, and she’ll soon get the message.
Unfortunately there are too many unboundaried practitioners out there, and that’s her stuff, not yours, to deal with.

JetSet I get it, I've been through similar and eventually the person was prosecuted but it didn't half mess me around. Argh.

If she works for an organisation or is a member of a professional body then you could report her for that. She has crossed a massive boundary there.

Hi, I work in mental health and befriending a client or patient is completely against every code of conduct I've ever come across. It's covered in training and is a complete no no, I can't think of a training course or scenario where this is acceptable. It's really quite concerning that she's broken such a basic rule and would make me worry what else she (the counsellor) is struggling with and whether she's a competent practitioner. If she's a member of a professional body such as the BABCP she needs reporting to them, if she's not a member of a professional body I'd wonder who your work was employing! It's a really big deal!

Zamaz and Northern have it spot on. This person was acting in her own best interests against the needs of her client and this is wrong. I know it might feel uncomfortable to do this, but please do report her to her employing organisation and/or professional body, even if you would like to do this anonymously. You should also be able to receive support in your own right for being on the receiving end of such malpractice.

Oh and I forgot the most important thing - well done for looking after yourself and taking action to put in the boundaries you needed. This should have been her job, but you have shown yourself to be far more capable than her at it!

Almost the exact thing happened to me OP, although I cut contact very abruptly when I realised what was happening. The only difference is I saw her for free sessions at her home.

I didn't make a complaint as we never got the point where we socialised as friends outside of the sessions (as I cut contact) so I didn't know if I had any grounds.

Thank you all for your replies. I almost don’t want to hear it as I feel so shocked myself that I am here. Like I said there’s so much more to the story here like how she herself tried to constantly push bondaries with me.. I was consistently firm but having to reset boundaries with somebody you barely know in a confusing capacity whilst trying to recover from a breakdown is very hard work. It makes me angry as I look back and think you shouldn’t do that anyway but you really shouldn’t do that to somebody so vulnerable like I was last year.

I generally tried to keep my distance but she was constantly contacting me. Which is why I eventually spelt it out To her. The last communication was Friday before last with an email saying “how are you”. I didn’t reply. Then a whatsapp message at about 11am on the Sunday saying how are you. I didn’t reply then about 5pm she sent a text message asking if my phone was broken? TOO MUCH I replied on the Monday saying we are fine she responded asking when I was free for a catch up. I didn’t reply so last Friday she sent another text asking how i was whchb prompted me to spell it out to her.

There were situations like this that made me feel uncomfortable.. speaking about me like I was her best friend (I barely knew her) proposing a business plan to me which joined both our professions. Asking to lend money. She logged out of a Netflix account (which was actually a friends account as I didn’t have one) and logged in to hers on my tv I thought that was weird. Like she wanted to see what I watched? I know that sounds weird and paranoid but I only last year came out of a narcisstic relationship which included stalking-she obviously knows this. During our “friendship” time she was in what I know now to be an abusive relationship. He had her in a head lock and she actually wanted to bring him round my house on Christmas Day. I said no he couldn’t obviously. There is so much more. She also texted and emailed outside of Counselling which I don’t think is generally approved of either.

Unfortunately I don’t think I’m the first she mentioned she had another friend through counseling.

This is the bit that confuses also. So I’ve never ever been to therapy and now this has happened I’ve looked In to how it all works.

I was referred by my work place through a centre that they appear to regularly use. This is paid for by bupa. I emailed for an appointment. Was given this persons name and we begin.

No first session/interview to see how we get on which appears how a lot of therapists start? Just at the end her asking me if I wanted To continue. At the time that felt odd and put me on the spot.

I’ve found her profile on the centres website and she doesn’t state she is registered with BACP and she only has a diploma in therapeutic Counselling. Every other therapist has a long list of qualifications and is registered with a regulatory body also stating they abide by their code of ethics.

The centre states they have organisation membership but I can’t find them on th BACP website

I’ve found another entry for the counsellor in another directory and she does state that she’s a BACP member but I’ve searched the directory and she isn’t there. I see there are different types of membership does anybody know if she’s a studen or similar if she wouldn’t show on the register? I guess I could call them tomorrow.

This is all so confusing. Thank you so much for all your replies. It has really helped me keep working out what on Earth has just happened :/

Sorry to hear about prosecution too cheeseytoast. I will have to sleep on this as if I report her surely it will be veRy stressful for me and I just don’t need this righ Now. ;/. But then I should be making sure nobody else has to go through it either I guess

My goodness I’m so sorry I’ve just typed such a big post. This is clearly a massive issue for me
I’ve just seen some more posts. Thanks again all for your support :) I’ve been on mumsnet for about ten years now but don’t come on that often anymore now the nappy days have gone. But mumsnet is always here for me when I need it. With sound advice and support

Thank you easterlemma your second message means a lot. I feel like I probably do need to report her. Although I’ve no doubt that she will know it’s me and that terrifies me. She knows where I live and work has my number. Can’t believe I’m here. I just came out of an awful narcisstic relationship which ended in stalking and I’m here again. My boundaries are stronger but clearly not strong enough still I guess

You are doing fantastically well, Jet. It is an extremely hard thing to set boundaries against someone who is (supposedly) providing a service to you, which is precisely why it is an abuse of her professional power to put you in that position. However, you have recognised it, done what you can to keep yourself safe and are now thinking about others too. You sound like a lovely, strong person and I’m sorry she did this to you.
Do you have someone at work you can confide in who could support you to make a report, if you decide that’s what you’d like to do? A manager, HR rep etc?

Completely second what Northern has said. You should be massively proud of yourself for seeing so clearly what's go on, and having the clear thinking and courage to step in and put in boundaries (which you should have been able to trust her to do) and protect yourself. I'm not surprised you feel shocked, she has basically abused your trust and breached every professional code going. Although this shouldn't happen, it does now and then with someone who puts their own needs before their clients - and I can't stress to you enough that this is her 'stuff' rather than your own. If it wasn't you who was at the receiving end this time, it would have been someone else you can be sure. If you feel able, I would report her to the BACP, but do it when you feel ready. You sound to have made such amazing progress and have such good insight that you've been able to look after yourself so well in what's been an awful situation.

Read your posts again and feel so angry on your behalf!
As for the training and registration issue, it is rather a minefield.
Psychotherapists and counsellors are less regulated than other mental health professionals (like psychologists, mental health nurses or psychiatrists who have more rigorous training and registration) - a diploma can be enough to say you 'are one', though of course most will go on to have further training and sign up to a regulatory scheme which verifies their credentials and many are highly trained and tightly professionally regulated, though it is optional. You'd expect that a company which employs her would have checked all this so you didn't have to.
Reporting is a hard choice I can see and ultimately up to you. If she's not regulated, it would be her employer you'd need to put in a complaint to I think. As you say, the risk is she may know it's you (though not necessarily if she's done this to others) but the benefit is that you're protecting other people and might go some way to feel like you're righting a wrong. You could always do it in a few months when you feel ready.
I like goodtherapy.org. It has some lovely resources about what good and bad therapy 'feel' like and what the process should ideally involve.
Sorry for long post! Just really feel for you and what you've been through. As both a mental health professional and someone who has received therapy (twice) I know what it feels like to be on both sides of the fence and how important ethics and boundaries are!

HI all. Thanks again for your replies, I don’t want to sound like a broken record but I am so grateful for your replies. This is my only outlet at the moment and your replies are so supportive. I got a lump and ping in my eyes reading your acknowledgement at how well I’m doing, thank you :) I do feel massivel proud of myself which is why this irks also as I don’t want to (and I blooming won’t!) let this undo the progress I’ve made.

I thought I’d update you but if nothing else this again helps me put my thoughts in writing
So having slept on It today when I arrived in work I emailed BACP and just asked if the centre and therapist were on their register.

I then emailed the HR officer who initially arranged the referral saying that I may need to make a complaint and just wanted her to know. She replied asking the nature of the complaint if I needed any assistance etc. I responded stating that the therapist tried to befriend me and at that stage was just trying to work out which body they were regulated by.

BACP relied soon after confirming both the centre and the therapist were on their register they explained that they may not be on their online website as there are different routes to be on the register (I’m guessing the therapist is within the 24 months of study? I didn’t look in to why). I responded and asked if it was ever appropriate for a
Client to become friends with a therapist and haven’t received a reply yet. This is an anonymous service so I’ve not formally done anything yet as I’m still a bit overwhelmed by it all. I also don’t want to make a complaint that is unfounded. I’ve lokked through the code of conduct and it’s fairly clear that client needs should be put before the therapists-you had irt spot on zamaz when you said she put her needs first here-but I’m a bit wary that the therapist will say that we became friends after the Counselling finished. I guess that is true but looking back I wasn’t ready to finish Counselling. She should have said that’s the end of our (professional) relationship and perhaps helped me find a new counsellor. My work would have most likely helped me with that or maybe I could have found a counsellor who accepted clients on a low income for reduced fees?

HR have suggested we have a quick chat and We’ve arranged to do so tomorrow.

I think the thing that is pushing me to do this is the confusion this is causing me. I shouldn’t be feeling like this. And whether she intened to or not the therapist has caused this. In the back of my mind when she was trying to be my friend there was an element of me feeling obliged somewhat because she had done good work in helping me get better to some extent but i can hear myself say that out loud and I think jeez that in itself is a massive abuse of power. Isn’t it?

I don’t want any stress in my life right now and have worked hard and done so well in doing that and it’s frustrating she has put me here however in some way I’m
Not happy I’m here but I’m looking st the positives and especially after reading all your kind words this situation is testiment to how well I am doing and how far I have come.

So onwards and sideways :) I will keep you posted

Sorry just wanted to add after rereading my post-after the six sessions that were paid for by my health insurance ended she should have directed to me other help not try to befriend me. Maybe she Thought she was helping me by providing further sessions for no charge who knows but the bottom line is her code of conduct says she cannot do that. End of. As I said this has ended up not helping me at all because I don’t feel like I’m fully healed and I’ve just been left high and dry with nowhere to turn

Which is a big factor in why I feel I should take this forward. Because I feel like I still need Counselling and I want somebody be
It BACP or my work to help me get That. I have mentioned that to my HR Officer by email and I will do tomorrow.

Thank you for the suggestion of goodtherapy.org zamaz I will definitely have a read. I think that’s another thing that has blindsided me in all this-I was so unwell amen vumerable
LAst year I could barely function so when my employee referred me to a well known local centre paid for by my healthcare that they’ve always used I didn’t research or look into anything. I doubt I would have even if somebody had suggested it.

Having looked into how therapy works (qualifications, registers, intial interviews, ensuring client has a plan going forward after therapy has ended etc) I feel quite let down that I certainly didn’t experience that and there really needs to be processes in place to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. If nothing else perhaps my employers need to be a bit more involved in the referrals they make. I guess we can chat about this tomorrow. They haven’t been The best through this entire episode but I’ve learnt that a lot of people really don’t know how to deal with mental health problems so sometimes just don’t get involved. Which is not ideal when The thing that is most needed is support.

Felt a bit teary earlier feeling happier and a bit strong now I’ve Got this off my chest. :)

Good job Jet! Go you! It sounds to me (psychologist) that you have an excellent idea about how therapy should work and the boundaries your counsellor should have upheld. No, it is not boundaried to offer extra, free sessions. No, it is not appropriate to befriend clients even after counselling has ended.
In my view, you are approaching the reporting process in a really nice way. Thinking about why you would report and what impact it has had on you is, I’m sure, really useful. It sounds like you’re going at your own speed and doing what you feel comfortable with when you feel like doing it, which is grand! I hope the chat with HR goes well tomorrow.

I so recognise the conflicted feelings you are experiencing. This is exactly why boundaries are so important in professional relationships. Your therapist breached the code and look how much stress it has created for you.

Ideally you'd talk all this through with a reputable therapist funded by the professional body, but I understand it is very difficult to go down that route when you've been burnt by it previously.

I think you are doing amazingly well - setting boundaries, being proactive.

I also had a therapist who was unprofessional. Its a massive betrayal , because you’re making yourself vulnerable to someone who you trust to be doing the best for you. I was affected by it for quite a while, and still am, despite having found a therapist that I’m much happier with since then.

I wish I had done what you did. I had concerns about her for weeks and I didn’t handle it well, it all blew up one day. I wish I had put in a complaint, but I was worried about seeing her around town And being confronted by her, or even contacting me in anger.

I think you’re handling all this so well... it makes me realize that I need to learn some of the skills that you have been able to learn and put to use.

Hey everybody thanks as always for your replies and support. Really appreciate your kind words bumshkawahwah I’m sorry you’ve had a similar situation, and you cheeseytoast. I’ve no idea where I’m finding this strength from but I think it’s mostly because I’m angry that she’s made me feel so conflicted. It’s her job to make me feel better! I also feel like now I’m getting better (and all your posts) I can clearly see that what she did was wrong. It may not be half as bad if this “friendship” was mutual but I really wasn’t. She initiated it and I ended up feeling harrassed. I feel like I need to do something because I don’t want to carry this anger that she caused.. as much as I feel overwhelmed making a complaint it feels really important to me that other people don’t have to experience this especially as it could even be a colleague or say someone who doesn’t know it’s inappropriate or feels strong enough to deal with the situation.

BACP sent a very detailed reply with lots of guidance leaflets not explicitly saying clients couldn’t be friends with therapists but quoting parts of the ethical guidelines which suggest you shouldn’t have dual relationships, client needs should be put first etc.

I haven’t met the HR officer Yet but I did forward BACP’s reply to her and said I’m a bit overwhelmed and need to have a thing about things so think she’s taken that to mean I will ask for a meeting when im ready (or she’s too busy I think she was interviewing today)

I think I just need to have a think about it all but I’m certain I should make a complaint, I just want to be clear in my own Mind my actual complaint if that makes sense. I think the bottom line is a therapist is there to assist and neutrally guide clients not try to make friends with them? I just keep thinking why? Why would want to do that!

I will have a proper read of the BACP stuff and have a meeting with HR first to see what she says. She has already said it’s inappropriate to befriend clients so I know she will be supportive.

I’m just conscious I’m opening a huge can of worms because my employers may also be concerned they had a part to play in this too as they referred me.

I do need to do this though and I do need somebody to sort out more Counselling for me as another thing that is playing on my mind is although I am doing amazing well, I wonder how competent she actually was after doing this.

Makes me so angry :(

I'm shocked at what she's done. I was on a course a few years ago and didn't finish it because I was so horrified by what the course was allowing to happen with students. Made me look differently at it all.

However, as a guideline, in some guidelines, I think the American Psychological Association, if you haven't had ANY contact with a client for five years - it may be seven, but five springs to mind - then you can become friends. Technically. The point being, it's definitely not a follow on of counselling/therapy if any sort.

I'm really impressed that you could set boundaries with her. You did a good job there. That she ignored them is entirely on her.

Think if she was a nurse and behaved inappropriately and hurt you physically. Maybe shoved you. You'd make a complaint without a second thought. What your counsellor has done is much worse than that.

I totally get the stress side of making a complaint though. Whatever you decide, please be clear that this is entirely her fault. You should never have been put in this situation.

Thank you for replying amy and your kind words. It means a lot to hear people say I’ve done well setting my boundaries and reminds me that Ive dealt with a rubbish situation well however confused upset etc I may feel. Thank you.

Some of the issues I took to Counselling were actually setting boundaries with people-so never setting any boundaries when being treated badly for example and constantly putting others first to my own detriment. The therapist actually made me realise that during Counselling and helped me set boundaries. So when she would try to push the boundaries it was very confusing and I honestly thought she was testing me to see if I was putting my newly learnt skills in to practice. That is ridiculous isn’t it!

I met with our HR officer on Thursday and she was very supportive. We agreed that she would get in touch with her contact at the centre (who I believe owns/runs the centre and would be the person employing the therapist) and explain what had happened and find out her thoughts. We both think she will agree that this was inappropriate but it’s another step closer to making sure this doesn’t happen again and/or me making a formal complaint

I’m still feeling a bit crappy and confused about the whole thing and need to let it go of this anger and work out what i should do. The response from the centre head may help but I’ve also been thinking about sending an email to the therapist to set out the issues I had with her behaviour. I don’t want to justify myself at all but I do want to be clear as to the behaviour I thought was inappropriate so she hopefully doesn’t do it again. I think I may at least type the email and leave it in draft for now. I’d welcome any thoughts on doing that, I suspect people may think I shouldn’t do that and proceed through the formal complaint process. The guidelines do say that in the first instance you should contact the therapist with any complaints but I certainly don’t want to enter dialogue with her

I’m not entirely sure about whether I will make a formal complaint yet as I really don’t want to have a he said she said scenario as the fact we did see each other socially may appear to prove that I was happy with the situation as the code of conduct don’t explicitly state you can’t be friends with your therapist but as I say looking back I was in no fit state to know what I wanted-and she of all people would have known that!-for that reason I feel she took advantage of me. Not to mention the position of power she had (ie I lent her my car when really I needed it myself but I kind I felt like I owed her for the therapy she didn’t charge me for) and the fact she should have been acting professionally and ethically which looking back it doesn’t feel she was.

I think, as you say, while you don’t want to get into a he said, she says situation, the onus was on her to set professional boundaries, not you. You might have been happy at some point to see her socially (or not!) but it was on her to not put herself in a position where a former client could make an accusation about her, justified or not (which of course you are completely justified. Just the car loaning thing alone makes me very uncomfortable).

I think at the very least, should you make a formal complaint, she’d be advised to be a lot more careful with her professional boundaries.