Hello.
I’m new and here for support. I’m a single mum to 2 children. I run a business for women around the world to educated. But I have bouts of deep dark depression after losing my sibling and job a few years back then divorce. It’s very bad and I have had moments that are horribly dark like lying face down on my floor unable to speak breathe or cry.
The loss of my job led to me being found unconscious in a field by a helicopter after life became too much and I blacked out. The last two years have been hellish, I have lost me, but my life is ok now, my children are happy and we have good times, their dad is absent pretty much. I’ve cried nearly every night and day, I have moments of despair, I drink to excess, have played around sexually with men that have been abusive as a type of self punishment, but my business is now worth a bit and I am getting slowly back to me.
Two months ago I met a man, he’s kind, smart, a scientist professor, and I have fallen in love with him. He’s the only main I’ve ever loved and it’s the first relationship I’ve had since divorce.
Last night I had too much to drink and he said I smelt of wine, I’d had a bottle of red, we argued and in anger I told him to leave. I was drunk and stupid and behaved like an idiot. He’s today said it’s over.
I cut myself with a razor very badly and lost my mind. I walked around London all day but did not know where I was. I feel blackened, heartbroken, like my head is going to dry upif I cry anymore. I have written to him and said I’m so sorry and that I will not drink or argue anymore.i have begged him and cried for him to forgive me, it’s the first time we have fought, he says no.
I have screwed up the chance I had to be happy again and I am in a very dark place. My children are why I’m alive, I adore them and would never let them see me upset. But I am dying slowly inside. I love life and I love him but my world is ending. I deserve nothing, I hate myself, i can’t say anymore than that. I’m broken and utterly despairing. Sorry.