To feel like the world has ended

[Voldemortslut]

Hello.

I’m new and here for support. I’m a single mum to 2 children. I run a business for women around the world to educated. But I have bouts of deep dark depression after losing my sibling and job a few years back then divorce. It’s very bad and I have had moments that are horribly dark like lying face down on my floor unable to speak breathe or cry.

The loss of my job led to me being found unconscious in a field by a helicopter after life became too much and I blacked out. The last two years have been hellish, I have lost me, but my life is ok now, my children are happy and we have good times, their dad is absent pretty much. I’ve cried nearly every night and day, I have moments of despair, I drink to excess, have played around sexually with men that have been abusive as a type of self punishment, but my business is now worth a bit and I am getting slowly back to me.

Two months ago I met a man, he’s kind, smart, a scientist professor, and I have fallen in love with him. He’s the only main I’ve ever loved and it’s the first relationship I’ve had since divorce.

Last night I had too much to drink and he said I smelt of wine, I’d had a bottle of red, we argued and in anger I told him to leave. I was drunk and stupid and behaved like an idiot. He’s today said it’s over.

I cut myself with a razor very badly and lost my mind. I walked around London all day but did not know where I was. I feel blackened, heartbroken, like my head is going to dry upif I cry anymore. I have written to him and said I’m so sorry and that I will not drink or argue anymore.i have begged him and cried for him to forgive me, it’s the first time we have fought, he says no.

I have screwed up the chance I had to be happy again and I am in a very dark place. My children are why I’m alive, I adore them and would never let them see me upset. But I am dying slowly inside. I love life and I love him but my world is ending. I deserve nothing, I hate myself, i can’t say anymore than that. I’m broken and utterly despairing. Sorry.

Please call the Samaritans or similar when you feel desperate, if you possibly can. They aren’t a magic solution, but sometimes just having someone to talk and cry to can really help. I’m sorry I can’t help more, but please know that you are not alone. Have you contacted a doctor? Also you will find love again, but you don’t need it to survive. You sound really strong to keep it together like you have been.

Take a moment. Believe in your kids. You're a great mother if you believe in them. Now count slowly to ten. Phew. You're here and alive and can make a difference! So go and do it! You have a lot of love from us at Mumsnet. I think you have the strength to get through this. I look forward to hearing your success story. X

Are you under a psych team? Have you got am emergency contact number for them?
If not, with your history of depression, have you ever been?
If you fele that bad and you don't have a pysch team to turn to, go to a and e and tell them how you are feeling. Hopefully they will have a good pysch nurse/dr on shift.
You don't deserve to feel this bad but with your history it is unlikely you can pull out of this without support and probably medication too.

No, you haven't screwed up. Truly, if he was the man for you, he wouldn't have walked away.

Be kind to yourself and please don't do anything rash

You deserve everything. You've been through deep, deep shit. But you have to keep wading through the shit, step by step, even if you feel like sinking into the shit and shutting your eyes. You deserve everything, because you're breathing. As long as you're breathing, you're still alive, and you deserve love and support. We all believe in you, and we know that you'll reread this thread one day and marvel at how far you've come. Ring Samaritans, like PPs have suggested.

Also, have you tried grounding techniques? They really work for me most of the time. I count how many plug sockets there are in the room, and how many light bulbs (currently seven). Then I name five breeds of dog, four brands of car, three adverts on TV at the moment (or radio, or social media, etc), two songs by my favourite artist, and one teacher I had at school. It sounds random and it can vary, but it works.

We believe in you, OP.

I think the first port of call would be to see your go and sort out your drinking.

Where are your children while you’re in these pits of despair, are they safe?

You need some RL support, you must see your gp.

Thank you. Yes I try grounding. I counted lines in the pavement today.

My children are always safe. I drink to excess but I’m not reliant on drink, I drunk 2-3 nights a week a half or 3/4 bottle of wine and can go weeks no alcohol, but yes I drink too excess.

Def second the Samaritans.

From what I read from your OP, you have suffered a terrible loss followed by divorce. Despite that you have built a successful business and by your own admission have raised two happy children single handed.

Yet you don’t seem to extend or nurture the same love that you gave to your business and children to yourself. Instead you self destruct and pass the power of your own happiness to the men that you have relations with.

It is time for you to give yourself the love that you deserve. Have you ever spoke t o someone about how you are feeling? Have you seen your GP? Medication can help to lift the fog and give thoughts some clarity in extreme depression and you may need this so worth taking these steps if you haven’t already.

We are not built to be completely unbreakable and you have had some shit thrown at you but no man will ever fix this for you. Take some time for yourself, give the power back to yourself and take time to acknowledge your feelings.

I realise that this does not even touch the surface of what you are feeling right now. I wish you well.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Does that mean you’ve taken my post down? Oh.

@Voldemortslut No, it just means it's being moved to a different part of the board - the specialist area for Mental Health support and advice.
I can't add to the advice you've been given but hope you soon reach a better state of mind

It's still up Vold, just put under a different heading, in Mental Health.

Ah I see. I don’t feel so bad when I read everyone’s messages then I breathe in and cry. I miss him and I hate myself. I feel very ugly and disgusting for being me. I chucked all the wine away. I am 43 and I don’t think it’s possible to ever meet anyone again, I don’t want to be so lonely. I mean the kids are great company but the evenings are horrendous. I like some time alone but all the time is so hard and i miss having someone to talk too. I know I’m bad when I start to pull or scratch my hair hard and I’ve been doing it all day. Bad sign

It’s a bit of a weird suggestion but download the power of now as an audiobook. It’s really helped me. And I’d nothing else the author’s voice is really calming hypnotic so may help you relax/sleep. I don’t think the man was right for you if he gave up so easily because of one argument. I think it’s probably better to concentrate on loving yourself first before getting involved with someone. Do give the audiobook a try though x

Hi Vold

How are you doing now?

erin

Sweetheart.. it’s going to be ok. I have been where you are, and it’s hell but you can get back to who you are and who you want to be.
First step, break it down into manageable steps. New notebook. Make a plan.
Go dry - honestly, quit it, you will feel better, be a better mum, have more energy & perspective & optimism and you will feel so proud of yourself. Start with a dry month, and read all about it online for encouragement.
The guy - fine to apologise & ask for forgiveness if that’s what you need. He doesn’t want you back and that’s his choice. Let him go, focus on you & getting well.
Be so kind to yourself - like you would a best friend. Sleep, eat well, rest, comfort, books, films, courses, learning, exercise, whatever suits you - try it all.
Ask for help - GP, counselling, help from friends, family - most importantly help yourself by working through everything and letting go of pride to try therapy/medication anything and everything that can take you from where you are now, to who you can be.
Sorry this is long, your post really resonated with me and I can feel your pain. It can get better.

Also can I say, you come across as clearly intelligent and inspirational as you’re doing something so worthwhile- you know that your happiness can’t be tied to whether a man loves you or not? Pain & hurt to be left is so normal, but this must be linked to a much deeper level of hurt from the past that perhaps this is an opportunity to seek some counselling that can address this and help you get some more self belief.
I hope that’s not offensive. You sound so nice, and clever and kind. I hope you can see you are worth being kind to, and saving.

Thanks for all the lovely messages. I will do the dry month thing. I am still a mess I can’t stop crying and I do want to hurt myself very much but more because it relieves everything. I spent the night listening to ted talks on depression and that has helped. He hasn’t messaged me. I guess it really is over then which is hard. My mind is flipping between thinking keep going and take more care of myself and hate towards myself which feels overwhelming. If I didn’t have such beautiful children I would kill myself, I’m 100% sure of that. But I would never be so selfish. A ted talk last night Said picture their faces standing at your grave to stop yourself. That’s a good call, it works, but cutting myself is a good release as an alternative as it is releasing the anger and hatred and despair I feel. I don’t blame him for walking away but we got on so well until last night. I guess he is running a mile now. Stupid me.

I think I have the disassociation thing back too, I just looked at my photo and i don’t recognise myself. I look like someone else.

Just spoke to Samaritans and my dr friend and did some meditation and feel so much better. Cross I let a man make me wobble momentarily but am back to me now. Thank you all for your support and kindness. Off to see houses now with my awesome kids 😀

Superb, that’s brilliant! Well done you. All these things will work together to help you feel better