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Mental health

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Original poster

Wife scared when home alone

43 replies

Moybabber · 09/03/2018 09:00

Hi everybody,
I wondered if anyone could make any suggestions to help. I've recently found out my wife of 10 years is scared when home alone. To give you an idea of our situation we have 2 kids 7 & 9, live in a terraced house in a busy city, have a burglar alarm and whilst our neighbourhood isn't crime free it isn't notoriously bad.
In a typical week i might play squash once or twice and might have a weekend away once every 4-6 months on average.
We've talked about getting a dog, not to help the fear but just because we would like a dog and I'm wondering if I should accelerate this in an attempt to help my wife. Obviously I would like to go out on my own now and again but my priority is making my wife feel more secure. She thinks it's just acceptable to live like it but I think we should try and improve things.
Does anyone think CCTV would help or just give her more of a focal point for the fear?
Has anyone had counselling for similar?
Any help appreciated.
Dan.

OP posts:

parietal · 09/03/2018 09:31

counselling would be a good starting point. fears of all kinds can be helped by CBT & counselling.

Believeitornot · 09/03/2018 09:32

Well just how scared is she?

I mean I get a little bit creeped out when I’m home alone and dh is away but it doesn’t interfere with my life.

Goldmonday · 09/03/2018 09:39

Yeah I agree with @Believeitornot, mostly I enjoy the space when DH is away but sometimes I get scary thoughts creeping in and have to quickly think about something else.

Is she fearful to the point she is stopping you leaving her home alone?

strawberrysparkle · 09/03/2018 09:41

Is counselling really necessary, how bad is the fear?

I'm not particularly a fan of been home alone and do get very jumpy when I hear things but wouldn't say I need support for it.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 09/03/2018 09:44

Yes, I’m definitely on high alert if it’s just me and the kids. I think that’s normal? She’s obviously not terrified enough to be asking you not to do things on your own.

Knowing everything is locked and can’t be broken into easily reassures me, but a pet would be great if you’re getting one anyway. The company is a nice distraction from listening to the general house settling noises and worrying. Get a nice calm breed though, not a yappy thing that will jump up and bark at every person walking past outside.

hmcAsWas · 09/03/2018 09:47

Counselling (since this is a disproportionate fear), and CCTV because personally I think its sound investment. Also - get the dog if you were thinking about it anyway (as long as you research the breed and don't get a high energy breed or a breed that doesn't do alone time etc if you can't meet its needs. Responsible dog ownership please)

CCTV isn't excessively expensive and these days you can access your camera footage remotely when you are not even at home, should you need to.

Branleuse · 09/03/2018 09:48

how does she feel when she gets her weekends away? Is she OK then?

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 09:48

Does your wife also go out on her own 2 nights per week and away without you and the kids two or three weekends per year?

I don't think it's normal to be afraid home alone unless there are break ins in your area or she's been a victim of a break in or mugged previously, no.

BlankTimes · 09/03/2018 09:49

If you had a dog, would she be able to take it out for walks and toileting when you were away?

How would that work without you, just her and young children when they were in bed and the dog needed to go out.

Or the dog started barking in the middle of the night.

I'd get CCTV first to put her mind at rest and then consider counselling/CBT for her fears.

Do you know your neighbours? Could she arrange to bang on the wall if she needed help or thought she heard a noise outside etc? That's what we did when we lived in a terrace, 3 bangs on the wall meant "Help" and we'd be straight there to see what was wrong.

Original poster

Moybabber · 09/03/2018 10:09

Thanks for the replies!
She is fearful to the point on an evening where she won't be able to sleep until I get home, she's had to run from the front room up to bed and quickly get under bed covers and I've had to cancel weekends away.

OP posts:

DancingLedge · 09/03/2018 10:14

Unless there's an actual need for CCTV, it will just confirm her fears that live is extremely dangerous? I don't think it's rational to be scared of being in a securely locked house without another adult being present. Nervous, possibly, but not outright scared to the point it's affecting both your lives.

CBT for anxiety sounds like a plan.

Believeitornot · 09/03/2018 10:23

It’s only acceptable for her to live like that if she’s morning impacting on you but she is.

Has it always been this way....

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 12:13

Moy how is she elsewhere alone, is the fear specific to your house? How is she when she goes out in the evenings without you? Or when she goes away without you?

BlankTimes · 09/03/2018 13:10

Book her in for a martial arts class, it will do wonders for her confidence and self esteem. They are not about fighting, more discipline and inner calm.

BexConnor · 10/03/2018 09:23

It is definitely not normal to be this afraid in your own home. I would look in to some sort of counseling and would also get the dog, assuming you were already in a position to get one anyway and could obviously meet all its toilet/walking needs etc.

Might also be worth considering is she afraid of anything in particular in the house, i.e. one door she thinks is especially vulnerable to attack? You can buy extra security measures on Amazon for use with sliding patio doors etc. I'm sure you don't want to live in a fortress but could be worth looking in to.

theveryhighlife · 10/03/2018 09:32

CBT is effective when fear is interfering with life

Deborah543 · 11/03/2018 08:30

I've got general anxiety disorder and am occasionally anxious when home alone. The best help has been my dog followed by samaritans phoneline. Its great to talk to a stranger when panicky. My dog is a rescue akita cross staffie, calm and well trained and loves people but occasionally shows aggression towards strangers entering the property. Being a 'dangerous breed' and the new law I am very anxious about him being taken away so I've put work into his training. If I'm calm, he's calm and the visitor is soon his best friend. If the intruder is a threat my dog is intemidating and protective. So I'd recommend looking at a rescue dog, and be open minded about the breed. To be extra safe pick one you know it's history (I knew my dog spent his first 3 years of his life as a family pet). And good luck, your wife is lucky to have a supportive husband.

Original poster

Moybabber · 11/03/2018 18:33

Thanks again for all the tips. We've been doing some serious talking about getting a dog. We realise it's not a light decision to make so we'll take our time and get it right. I'm also going to research CCTV and see what's available for our budget.

OP posts:

Flomy · 11/03/2018 18:38

She might not like taking the dog out in the garden late at night for a wee, before bed. Even just opening the back door in the dark.

Also will she feel jumpy if the dog starts growling or barking at noises, like some do?

My dog used to go mad outside late at night, trying to get through the hedge. Probably a fox/rabbit making noises.

I had to go out in pitch black to get him in (countryside with fields)

Dancinggoat · 11/03/2018 18:50

My dogs sometimes bark at wind or nothing noises. Would that put her nerves on edge

She really needs counselling other things could feed her fear.

juneau · 11/03/2018 18:52

I would try and tackle this fear. If you want to get a dog, get a dog, but your DW needs to be helped to get over this fear she has and learn to live a life free from it. The odd moment of feeling creeped out or whatever is normal IMO, but her fear sounds debilitating and as if she's feeling very anxious indeed. I think she needs help. She (and be extension you), shouldn't have to live like that.

Dancingfairydreams · 11/03/2018 19:06

I understand your wife's fears. I'm the same. Recently moved to a new area, again not massively bad just bit what I'm used to. I found speaking to a local police officer really helped me & put everything into perspective. Is there a neighbourhood Bobbie who she could speak with?

Deborah543 · 12/03/2018 06:50

Just to add, I am also getting professional help for my anxiety, I don't want to become dependent on a dog, but on bad days I can't be alone. I just have struck luck with mine and he only barks once and only at things out of the ordinary. Good that you are not taking that decision lightly. I didn't know anything about akitas before but now understand that they are intelligent protectectors that need understanding and training then they make amazing family pets. I could talk dogs to you all day though as I've always liked crossbreeds due to their uniqueness and better health. Private message me if you would like to discuss rescues more as I've vollenteered with a few. Puppies are hard work.

Fosterdog123 · 12/03/2018 06:58

Why have you put this in the mental health section? Many women get jittery about being alone at night in the house. It certainly doesn't mean they have mh problems.

This isn't rocket science surely? Just beef up your security. Cctv, scrunchy gravel outside, security lighting, an internal locking door, so that if someone does get in, there's an extra layer of protection.

JackOConnellisstarredup · 12/03/2018 07:02

It is a MH problem impacting on both of their lives given his description.

So much normalising of abnormal levels of anxiety on MN.

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