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Original poster

To adopt 'D'H's life philosophy...

48 replies

CelebratedOysterGlutton · 23/02/2018 07:48

...of 'I can, but I just don't want to'.

For context, I have type 1 bipolar disorder. I've struggled massively with it for the past few months, mainly because I do fucking everything. I've been taken to hospital for emergency assessment twice in 2 months. I am depressed and exhausted.

We have 2 DC. I bear the mental load of absolutely everything. 'D'H complains about money constantly, spends every spare second gaming, watching gaming tutorials on YouTube, talking to his gaming buddies about gaming, or ordering crap from eBay.

He irons DS1's school uniform, and this makes him a prince amongst men, because he doesn't need to be asked to do it.

I'm at the end of my tether. I'm suicidal with depression. I'm exhausted but never rest.

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 23/02/2018 08:09

I think you'll find you're a a lot damn happier without your 'd'h

lycoperdun · 23/02/2018 08:17

Oh gosh. What a terrible time for you Oyster. Having an unsupportive bloody difficult spouse is a drain on anyone's resources, but so much more if you are struggling with health issues already.

Do you have any support from friends or family? Or a support worker?

Have you thought about whether you would rather not have your 'D'H at all? Although it would leave you with the whole mental load still, at least you would not have him undermining you and acting like a big unco-opertive child. Flowers

Theworldisfullofidiots · 23/02/2018 08:19

How about " I can be with you but I don't want to because you are a lazy arse".

Theworldisfullofidiots · 23/02/2018 08:20

Actually you'd probably have less mental load because you wouldn't have his.

I presume you've talked about this?

Dragongirl10 · 23/02/2018 08:23

What does he add to your life OP?

Why do you not deserve to be happy?

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/02/2018 08:25

Sounds like my ex, although he wouldn’t so much as look at an iron never mind use one. I found I was much happier alone doing everything on my own rather than stressing over the fact he did nothing.

You CAN do this on your own, and it will seem so much easier and less stressful Flowers try gather some support if possible but if not... you got this!

just get rid of the OH or mentally block him out imo.

FranticallyPeaceful · 23/02/2018 08:26

Totally agree with everybodies posts. You don’t realise how mentally draining living with somebody like that is until they’re gone - you’ll feel light as a feather

NoSquirrels · 23/02/2018 08:30

Oh poor you. Are you concerned about your MH being held against you if you split? It does sound as if you’d be better without him.

Do you have family/friends who are supportive?

expatinscotland · 23/02/2018 08:35

I'm with TheWorld here.

mummmy2017 · 23/02/2018 08:36

You need to just stop doing anything, and when he asks why tell him...
YOU ARE ON STRIKE.
START tonight..
Don't cook,or do the washing or even life a finger, just sit in a chair and read a book, you have to do this to make him see that your not some kind of Robot.
You know he can do it as he did when you were in hospital.
When he comments, tell him your doing the same as he is and it works for him, so you decided to do the same.

UnimaginativeUsername · 23/02/2018 08:39

Yes. You might be responsible for everything as a single parent but it does lighten your mental load because you no longer have to consider them, or get irritated that they’re doing nothing.

I’m still sharing a house with exP but I’m finding disengaging to be hugely liberating. I no longer have to give a shit about things to do with his work. He went out last night and had a hangover (which he’s claiming is ‘food poisoning’, because nothing could ever just be his own fault) - and I don’t feel I need to offer any sympathy or support for it.

Original poster
CelebratedOysterGlutton · 23/02/2018 08:42

Thank you all for being so kind.

We have very little family support. Both sets of parents live hours away. My DF is terminally ill and I don't like to burden my DM with everything.

'D'H thought it'd be a fantastic idea to call social services and tell them I wasn't coping. The social worker visited, said I 'needed some motivation'. 'D'H sat on his iPad and watched a gaming tutorial.

I never have issues with motivation when I'm well. But I try so hard to be well, to be good enough, to do my very best for my DC, that I'm worn out. Something has got to give.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/02/2018 08:43

Oyster, I give you full permission to ram the iron up his backside, next time he swaggers over to the ironing board. You poor love, you must be exhausted. Is there any chance of you taking a break for a couple of days ?
Do you want him to go away, it might be an idea, take his blasted gaming with him.
Do you have someone to confide in ? 🌸🌸🌸

OohMavis · 23/02/2018 08:45

'D'H thought it'd be a fantastic idea to call social services and tell them I wasn't coping.

He fucking what?

LTB.

newcarsmell · 23/02/2018 08:47

Oh op. Thanks I think you'll find you feel a hell of a lot better when he's not in your life. He's a weight that you are carrying. Let it go.

Basseting · 23/02/2018 08:51

But your children have TWO parents.
When one is (possibly, in the opinion of t'other lazy one...) 'not coping'
then that is when the other steps in!
mind, the other should step up before there is any possibility of one 'not coping' anyway imo but I was also married to someone who would rather 'call in outside help' than do his bit (he never did, just dangled it over me, mine were physical not mh issues but still)
so sorry you are married to such a douchebag

JaneEyre70 · 23/02/2018 08:51

First of all, get all of his gaming equipment and put it in a nearby storage facility the bin. Secondly, drop everything you can - housework, washing, ironing, only do what is utterly essential and put less stress on yourself. I don't think you have any issue other than a selfish partner who does fuck all to help you.

Anymajordude · 23/02/2018 08:53

Leave. It cant be good for anyone's mental health to live with someone who makes them low level angry and annoyed all the time. It's exhausting living with a selfish, lazy twat and a waste of energy thinking what a dick they are.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/02/2018 08:55

Surely you can cook for him etc but you just don't want to?

Would focusing your attention only on the dcs reduce your load?

He'd look pretty silly complaining to the state that a seriously ill woman is failing to look after him.

Is there any chance you (jointly) could afford a cleaner for a couple of hours a week? Any support at all that might reduce your burden?

lottiegarbanzo · 23/02/2018 08:56

p.s. I don't iron school uniform at all. It's polo shirts, not 'proper shirts' but everything dries straight and looks fine.

bastardkitty · 23/02/2018 08:57

I can tell you for sure that just looking after two DCs is much easier than also bearing the load of an idle, bad-minded manbaby. Do what JaneEyre said. Your MH will be much better without this jerk stressing you out.

Elocutioner · 23/02/2018 08:57

He rang SS???

Leave the fucker

bastardkitty · 23/02/2018 08:58

He'd look pretty silly complaining to the state that a seriously ill woman is failing to look after him.

It sounds like this has worked pretty well for him so far! Time to get rid.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/02/2018 08:58

I mean I don't iron anything, uniform included. IMO only smart clothes need ironing. I hardly ever wear smart clothes, so, no ironing.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/02/2018 08:58

Call Women's Aid for advice on getting rid of him. Your MH will improve hugely. He is abusive. Not just because he doesn't pull his weight at home, but because he is using SS as a way of controlling you.