To adopt 'D'H's life philosophy...

[CelebratedOysterGlutton]

...of 'I can, but I just don't want to'.

For context, I have type 1 bipolar disorder. I've struggled massively with it for the past few months, mainly because I do fucking everything. I've been taken to hospital for emergency assessment twice in 2 months. I am depressed and exhausted.

We have 2 DC. I bear the mental load of absolutely everything. 'D'H complains about money constantly, spends every spare second gaming, watching gaming tutorials on YouTube, talking to his gaming buddies about gaming, or ordering crap from eBay.

He irons DS1's school uniform, and this makes him a prince amongst men, because he doesn't need to be asked to do it.

I'm at the end of my tether. I'm suicidal with depression. I'm exhausted but never rest.

This is not a thread about ironing.

I do realise that. But sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees and chopping down a few trees can make a big difference.

Poor you OP, this sounds hellish.
Bipolar must be horrendous enough without the extra burden of not having the support and understanding of your partner.

The fact that he called SS on you??? Does he not know that reflects on him as much as you? If he wanted to provide you with some extra support from services there are hundreds of ways to do that without informing the authorities.
Namely of course, you know ACTUALLY HELPING YOU OUT

Can you leave? Do you have the financial ability to turf him out?

Anyone would become unmotivated living with a crap H. Because he is a drain and a worry when he should be helping. I am sure the social worker coudl see how unhelpful your DH was.

Even with difficult MH it can be possible to seperate and start afresh, but it would be wise to get advice form everywhere that you can.

I know how hard it can be with MH as you have to be the one to help yourself get better, but as you say, you also need lots of rest.

Does he work? Are the kids all at school?

Yup, and her OH sounds just like the very fucking tree that needs chopping. Not sure ironing fewer polo shirts is necessarily going to improve the OP's life in this instance ...

Oyster, this sounds unendurable - even without struggling with MH issues on top of everything else. Is there anywhere you can get support if you decide to leave/kick him out? Finances etc are not simple to resolve and can add a lot of extra mental strain, but I agree with PPs, it sounds like you'd be better off out.

Really feeling for you. As you’ve been admitted, I am guessing they are on top of your meds? I am only asking because my brother is bipolar, and if this isn’t kept on top of, his brain goes into a complete spiral of highs and lows.
Can you speak to SS and say that actually if he did anything other than gaming, actually you would be better? Use them to your advantage. I know this is so much easier said than done.
Having bad mental health is shit, I really hope things get better for you soon.

Feeling obliged to do less in the house, letting go of a few things, might help reduce the mental load.

and yes, I know that's not as meaningful as cutting out the husband but, smallish things do help, especially in making space to think about bigger things.

I'm with the world too.
He sounds like a child and calling social services

Lottie sorry, not meaning to belittle your thoughts - just feeling angry on OP's behalf reading this. You're right, little things can make a difference in situations where everything feels overwhelming - and it's easy for a load of strangers in an internet chat room to advocate the breaking up of a family, without regard for all the lifelong emotional and financial damage that can inflict.

It does sound like the DH is an insufferable man baby and nothing more than an additional burden for OP, but I was wondering if he was always like this? I know people involved in a similar situation and the stresses and strains of dealing with family life and MH issues obviously impacts on both partners; even when the OH is trying to be supportive, it's possible for people to get to saturation point and withdraw. Was the call to SS an actual call for help rather than an abdication of responsibility? Has he always been a dick, or is he just struggling with the situation? Genuine questions, OP, not doubting your version of events

I think there is definitely something to be said for taking the load off by not feeling as though we have to prove ourselves so much. You sound very conscientious Oyster so I am sure that your very best is a high standard. As long as your children know they are loved and have the basics that will be good enough. But it isn't easy to relax and go easy with an unsupportive and critical partner.

My DH has major MH probs and we talk about energy in terms of a nuclear reactor gauge - green zone is normal running, yellow zone for the hard times, and the last 10% is a red zone saved for emergencies. If we push ourselves too much too often, and always run in the red, it is unsustainable.

It is working out what can be changed to get back into the green. Sometimes it is internal thoughts, reactions and expectations, sometimes it is external changes or a mixure of both.

He rang SS?? And SS said you needed motivation??!! Not mentioning the sack of shit on his iPad?!

Leave him, for your own sake and your kids sake

He rang SS?? And SS said you needed motivation??!! Not mentioning the sack of shit on his iPad?!
^
This

I think it's important to contact Women's Aid and leave with the appropriate support if Social Care and MH staff are oblivious to or accepting of him being a useless sack of shit.

OP I have similar mental helath problems, and there is nothing worse for recovery than an unhelpful partner. What does he contribute to you and the relationship? He should be stepping in and taking the load right now. If you talk to him about supporting you, what does he say? Does he understand your illness and how it effects you? (I tend to cover up really well and even people I know well can go without ever seeing any symptoms)

Again, thank you everyone for the support - I'm sorry I'm only updating/replying at a snail's pace, I'm drifting in and out of sleep but I will respond to you all. Thank you all so much - I'm quite tearful over the kindness you've all shown me.

Its ok Oyster just take your time. MN will always be here :)

oyster. No advice but

I really hope you manage to leave him, as daunting as it may seem right now.

I once told my ex partner I was struggling and felt depressed, so he became angry and told me it explains a lot (talking about how I wanted him to help out about the house, of course he never did though) - he rang me a doctors appointment and sat with me in front of the doctor. This wasn’t to help me, it was to shame me. Another power play, knowing I couldn’t and wouldn’t say anything about him whilst he was there.
He spoke for me most of the time saying how much I was struggling... the thing is, I did everything and never failed to do anything, I was struggling with how I felt and how he treated me, but of course he didn’t say that! He just said I was struggling and I couldn’t talk.
It became more abusive after this, he made fun of my depression and cut my arms some weeks later. I still wouldn’t tell anybody so I had to say I did it to myself, and to this day I have scars on my arms that people think I did myself, including doctors which is now on my file as self harm. - again. To shame me. He just kept escalating

Turns out he was cheating on me the whole time anyway. I just wish I’d have gotten out sooner.

Your DP sounded like a lazy shit but after learning he rang SS I can see there’s more going on there. Leave him. Just know that it will be okay in the end, I promise! And you will feel so much better

Good enough is not a real thing. You are worth more than judging yourself or allowing him to judge you.

Poem for you. Sweet Darkness by David Whyte. Read the last few lines in particular

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone,
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your home
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

Hello, CelebratedOysterGlutton,

We're so sorry that you're feeling this way at the moment.

When these threads are flagged to us we like to add a link to our Mental Health resources in case they might be helpful.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is fantastic, and we really hope you've found some comfort from their kind words - but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Hi Oyster

Just thinking of you and hoping you are OK. Sending you a virtual hug or and some

theworld I didnt mean that Oyster should settle for good enough. What I was clumsily trying to say was that I bet she doesn't need to wear herself out with trying so hard to prove that she is a great Mum to her children, I am sure that they know already, and that all the normal things she does are plenty good enough without exhausting herself.

I agree absolutely that no one should settle for less than love and respect in a relationship... and a love that brings them some joy.

Big hugs to everyone feeling vulnerable at the moment x

No I didn't think you meant that.

What I meant is she is good enough just as she is and no-one is entitled to make her feel less.

Hope you are OK oyster.