Lonely and jealous

[shouldnthavesaid]

Why can't I be happy with what I have? Both dsis and dm are disabled. DM increasingly so with some sort of MH or cognitive issue, like she is just shutting off from everything. She seems to not be 'with it' most of the time and if I offer help she starts shouting at me. Her GP, NHS 24 ask me if I can help but I can't. Family tell me this is my role in life and don't help or talk to me.

I chose my own presents this year and helped mum wrap them. My mum would have done this herself a few years ago and would have looked forward to it. She's only 52.

I'm sitting in kitchen, have had a drink and need to figure outnhow to cook . I've got a whopping bruise from self harming earlier this week, trying to withdraw off codeine , and can't cope, I want to do it againn. I can't cope. Occasionally you get a second of clairty and mum says oh I'm getting muddled and then fog comes back again. I don't understand and no-one listens or wants to talk to me.

Sorry you’re having such a hard time.

and for you OP x

bless you darling. I hope things improve for you xxx

Sending you and a big hug. My DM has a life limiting condition so I know just how utterly unfair it feels, especially at such a young age. Do what you can, that's all anyone can ask for. Maybe you could talk to your GP in a few days about how you're feeling and find out if there's any help they can suggest for mum? Xx

Sister is running around shouting that I've ruined christmas . She's autistic and doesn't understand. I have OCD and visions of things running through my head can't cope with. Not slept well for 12 months without inducing sleep with codeine, dihydrocodeine, naproxen, nytol whatever I can get. No-one in real life knows that.

They said she's stressed. Stress surely can't cause all this. She was found wondering around city 27 miles away in her pyjamas a few months ago. A year ago ahe phoned me at 11pm saying she was trying to get bus to visit my sister, in her pyjamas.

If anything happened to her I would make sure I'd go too somehow. Haven't got anyone else in the world.

No you mustn’t think like that.

If she goes you will feel pain and loss, and life will be complicated and hard - as it already is - but you will come through it, you will surprise yourself.

No one and no life is perfect. All we have is our ability to survive difficult shit. We prevail somehow. And you will too.

Sending thoughts to you x

sending you lots of love and hugs for Christmas xx

I wonder if your mum is autistic, and whether you might be too. It would explain your sleep issues, self-medicating and the OCD. ASD has a strongly genetic component to it - the women in my family all have it to a degree.

Oh sweetheart, sending you love and strength on what is a very difficult day when you're having a tough time. I hope things seem brighter for you all very soon.

My sister is severely autistic and they thought I was too. Read early etc and not good socially. My mum certainly has something but never diagnosed. She was very badly abused as a child including head trauma and then had ECT in her twenties. Was told she has damage to temporal lobe? A shadow or sokething. And was diagnosed with BPD once too.

Hi OP

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We wanted to share Mind's information with you – it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help. Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now.

Please do think about exploring some of the options in the link above. Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide.

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ.

I'm so sorry to hear things are so hard. It's awful and terrifying when your mother is ill with cognitive issues, mine had a type of dementia that set in during her cancer treatment and I was so scared and bewildered at the things she did. I remember too how Christmas just underlined how sad I was.

It's very painful when your loved one is so dick but honestly it's not the end of the road for you. Please don't think like that - it's not true and no good can come from it.

This is a horrifically hard period of your life, but there will be other, better times ahead. You just need to keep on going, and know that things can change.

So sick that should be, fucking autocorrect

What support can your GP offer? Have you spoken to him/her?

I've tried and tried but they don't seem interested. I live away from home for university, moved 200 miles away in September and only home for christmas. GP surgery just doesnt seem to have the time - the doctors don't speak to me unless I ask a direct question. I used to get a huge amount of support before but feeling loss now.

My mum's doctors is very rural. Two surgeries across 4 miles, 2 doctors covering 10 sq miles. Surgery every two or three days for two hours in her village but as there's no public transport between the two its crammed solid with new mums, elderly etc and never any emergency appointments. If you do go for an appointment in next village its £40 in a taxi.. my gran drives but she's an alcoholic , starts with brandy at 12 every day so no chance she can help.

Used to pay for carers for mum but that had to stop as they kept switching carer and was costing a fortune too unfortunately. When mum's PIP was declined didnt have the money any more. She doesn't understand bank accounts or money etc, my gran takes her statements (and bank cards if she can) and tries to control it. Its a nightmare all round.

I want to be normal, find a partner and start a family and not spend all day every day worrying :(

I do need to see a doctor though, I've had a heavy period since Friday 16th and I'm knackered/washed out. Hopefully get it fixed soon.

Have had a nice dinner, cheesecake, was sick after dinner (normal for me with stress) and now watching telly. Have £159 in my bank and a £20 cinema voucher, perhaps we could go see a film in next couple of days. If it stops raining will take dog for a good walk too.

I just worry 24/7 that something will separate us :(

www.anxietyuk.org.uk/get-help/

Or

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Have you asked either of the above for help? I know both are very supportive 💕

God that sounds tough, OP. How old are you if you don’t mind me asking? You sound fragile and vulnerable with your self-harm and insomnia. You can’t possibly look after and support your family like this. I think you are going to have to demand help and make it clear that you cannot do it alone.

I love the idea of you getting out for a walk or to see a film. Just think small steps and don't set yourself up for a fall...take each day as it comes, if it's a good day (as far as can be!) grab it by both hands and get out there, if you try and plan too much you can end up disappointed but it's definitely nice to have things to look forward too. I feel your pain...to some extent as cold as this might sound you have to thing about yourself at times...finishing your uni course, having aspirations for your future are all very important and you should make sure you look after your own health just as much as your mum's.

I'm 26 - my mum's been disabled since long before I was born. When I was younger and my dad was about we had SW involvement and carers and befrienders, various odd situatuons but that all stopped when I was 8 or so and I was sort of expected to get on with it. My mum used to phone rape crisis and have dissociative seizures on the phone, i remember sitting waiting on the stairs to help her. The person on the phone usually tried to help me. Or in daylight I got a neighbour to help but they sometimes got annoyed. It was a v v difficult situation all round.

Was once refered to young carers but being rural couldn't take full advantage of what they offered, although they tried.

At 17 I was basically dropped from everything and everyone. Put myself through a degree but got housebound with agoraphobia in the process. GP at the time said I was weird and I was the problem. My grandmother agreed said no man would ever look twice at me and if I had children I'd ruin their lives.

Somehow met a nice doctor through university who over time became like a second mum, safe person , very close to her. encouraged me to get a FT job and then work towards goal of specialist career in healthcare so hence now doing my second degree.

I feel very, very far behind as I've never been abroad, flown, had a boyfriend or had sex, travelled, been away with friends.. think you miss out on stuff and that makes me feel younger than I am.

I had to leave her behind which has devastated me as miss her support every day. Have maintained contact at her request but it isn't the same at all.

It's chucking it down today still but have waterproof coats.. dsis is here for another 2 days then she goes back to her supported living. They're both still sleeping. She gave me £15 for whsmith so thinking about buying some posh stationary for uni.

Have £159 left of overdraft and my dad is supposed to be giving me a little bit to help me (I felt dreadful for asking but needed to) in a few days then loan payment too. Mums tribunal is on 15th and if she gets PIP reinstated she should get a backpayment covering March 2016 onwards.. at least a couple of thousand? Would be incredible. We could go on a weekend away somewhere and she could buy herself some clothes. Get debts paid off etc.

Period has finally slowed down today so don't need to charge off to doctor for iron tablets thank God. Nearly a fortnight, knackering.

Bless your heart, you sound incredibly caring. Anyone would be lucky to have you. WTF was your grandmother thinking?!
You are just as important as your family and you need and deserve a decent life of your own.

Feel more knackered than caring :( but thank you x

I've figured out one issue is my mum's medication. She takes 600mg pregablin a day and like 350 mg venlafaxine or something extended release. The venlafaxine is made up of 2 huge red tablets and 1 pale pink tablet. Pregablin is 1 pale pink tablet 3 times a day. Mum gets muddled with tablets, drops the dosset box etc. Her concept of time and numbers isnt good so she gets mixed up. She also gets muddled as to where to start the box but won't take any help from me with them. Gets frustrated and says she can cope. But they all look so similar I'd be baffled. Surgery wont stop dosset box but no assistance and I've no clue how it works like when she's to get a new box. She's been same for years but I am sure pregabalin makes it worse.

Hospital wrote to her xmas eve saying she's to ring and book neuro appt (been seeing them for ages) but won't have anyone come with her I don't think. Considering getting bus home (3 hours ish journey) from uni night before then I could go with her.

Had a good walk today down the village. Sister talked for whole journey and it pissed it down but we got there. I'm on a very reduced dose of codeine so struggling desperately but have 3 full doses left plus about 10 of dihydrocodeine. Mum did suggest ringing 111 for help.

It's odd because she is like normal but just forgetful/muddled and hazy at times and I don't know what's medication, what's 'her' and what's my anxiety. I get panicked which makes it worse. GP did a MME last winter which was fine... and I did one (used to watch OTs do them at work) a fortnight ago also fine. GP last week just said she's very very stressed and depressed. But no sort of bloody help offered.

One positive was she has joined a wee craft group run by a v kind local lady and she saw her today on walk and they had a yap. That made me feel pleased for mum, takes a lot for her to do these things.

Watched miniaturist tonight and she actually seemed to follow it too. I think..

Maybe I am the one going mad :(

Once I get back down the road I want to find something for me that I can do. It sounds awful but there's a ladies nude swimming group once a week and ... I'm massive size 20 bottom but I thought maybe I could do it. Its £7 a time but I thought for confidence boosting it might be interesting. Maybe. Sort of thing you can't tell anyone about!!! I do scrapbooking/altered journaling but need so much 'bits' for that its hard to do in a student flat.

Do the swimming. Do anything that gives you time and space to be yourself.
This sounds really harsh and I don’t mean it to, but you aren’t your mum’s carer. You’re a young woman at the start of your own life.

I will do, definitely. Will get in touch once NY is over and ask about it. I would like something to help me keep fit and that sounds a positive thing. I'm also going to make an appointment to get my hair styled and coloured as its not been done properly since August. Will also make an appointment with GP as a priority and explain I actually need some proper help. Hopefully they talk back, normally they just shove a prescription at me for 100 cocodamols.

Sister is going home at 5pm tomorrow. Wont do anything meantime except watch youtube videos. Mum in shower. I've got to tidy kitchen, lounge, my room and the bathroom or it won't happen - sister says as shes on holiday she wont clean (normally her carers do all cleaning and tidying? Shes 'just' autistic not incapable) and mum cant manage it all really.

Train is booked back to uni for Sat 8th. Have snow again here so hopefully can still get back!

Now got problems with tablets. Mum didnt take any last night apparently, found them in her jeans pocket. Pharmacy said it has gone wrong somewhere and asked if I could help Mum as she isn't meant to start new tablets until Monday. Mum doesn't want that and shouted that I was interfering. I feel like I can't do right for wrong.