Lonely and jealous

[shouldnthavesaid]

Why can't I be happy with what I have? Both dsis and dm are disabled. DM increasingly so with some sort of MH or cognitive issue, like she is just shutting off from everything. She seems to not be 'with it' most of the time and if I offer help she starts shouting at me. Her GP, NHS 24 ask me if I can help but I can't. Family tell me this is my role in life and don't help or talk to me.

I chose my own presents this year and helped mum wrap them. My mum would have done this herself a few years ago and would have looked forward to it. She's only 52.

I'm sitting in kitchen, have had a drink and need to figure outnhow to cook . I've got a whopping bruise from self harming earlier this week, trying to withdraw off codeine , and can't cope, I want to do it againn. I can't cope. Occasionally you get a second of clairty and mum says oh I'm getting muddled and then fog comes back again. I don't understand and no-one listens or wants to talk to me.

I really hope things get easier for you. You sound so nice. Look after yourself physically and mentally and remember that you are as entitled to a fulfilled life as everyone else. Be bloody bolshy with the GP if necessary!

How are you doing shouldnt? You're so kind and caring, your mum and sister are very lucky to have you around, but I echo what the others have said, you need to focus on yourself more. The swimming activity sounds great, definitely sign up for that.
I hope you've had a restful couple of days xxx

[Flowers] thank you xx I'm OK although sick overnight, think dodgy chicken as mum was poorly too, so feeling a bit sorry for myself this morning :(

Mum had a bad day yesterday arguing a lot with my gran. I don't do arguments well as it reminds me of my sister a few years ago, she was very violent (now medicated with anti psychotics) and used to beat me up a lot, chipped my elbow once with a vase. Arguments of any sort frighten me, even at my work I couldn't cope and really needed to. Sometimes I think if I learnt personal safety or self defence that could change. Mum and gran did eventually make up after 2 hours of shouting down phone etc. They want to see me but I can't go there as now I will just be complained at.

Sister has suggested we go out for our tea tonight, only to Wetherspoons but I do fancy it for a wee change. Hopefully all will be OK, Mum has had seizures there a few times but manager was very friendly. Might be nice to go out for a change. Weather has been absolutely horrendous here and srill raining /windy.

I think for me what I want to do is 'slow down', take everything at a more relaxed pace in my head. I've found a building dedicated to mindfulness and fancy going to see them, they do all sorts of classes and groups. One on mindful eating which might help me, said its particularly good for binge eaters/comfort eating. I sometimes eat like I have to eat everything I can until pain then force myself to vomit it up. GP said if that carried on it would become bulimia.

Not sure when I email her again (old GP I mean), last time was just before Christmas. I miss her like mad every single day. She said she missed me too. I think ethically it has to stay at email only, probably can't meet up for coffee or something. Supposed to be making an appt with actual doctor but uncomfortable about doing so as nothing changes, they just give me a box of 100 cocodamol or zopiclone and tell me to come back if I still feel unwell. I've been seeing doctors 4 weekly or more for 10 years, don't think I will suddenly feel better. I wish I could talk to someone who knows me, every time I see new GP I end up crying. They don't even ask questions etc if you talk just nod. It's hard as I feel so awkward.

Oh God sorry that was longer than I meant!

Your post was fine in length, OP - you have a right to be heard, and everything you wrote was relevant. It sounds like your really beating yourself up about everything, and being worried about a long post shows it.

Why can't I be happy with what I have?

Because your current situation is shit. Not because of you personally, but because life has put you in a really difficult situation that you are actually handling pretty well.

If there are ways you can "slow down" in your mind that sounds like a good idea.

GP saying you're weird can fuck right off, ditto grandmothers cruel words. Massive scapegoating going on there.

As for weird - lots of people are "weird", if you mean not like the mainstream. They are much more interesting people, I find. And you mention feeling you've missed out on normal life - I hear you. You've had a hell of a lot of other experiences though, that will have made you a much wiser person. Also you are having a lot of "normal" experiences too - everyone's life is different. Sorry if that sounds trite, probably not putting it very well.

Re. PIP being declined - is it too late to appeal? Has there been a change/worsening in your mum's condition which means you could reapply? (If you do, expect to have to appeal. Sorry, the system is shit.)

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.