This is my first post here so bare with me.
I have a long 20 year history of mental health issues resulting from an abusive childhood and continued adult emotional abuse by my parents until I went NC a year ago.
My diagnosis most recently is severe psychotic depression and PTSD. I take an antidepressant, anti psychotic and mood stabilisers.
In the last 5 years I have had 5 inpatient stays each 1 month long. The last one was in June of this year.
Since June I had been doing really, really well. Growing stronger and more confident every day. Enjoying life again with my family. I have one DD 14 and one DS 11.
Then about 6 weeks ago my DD said she was struggling with anxiety and had been having panic attacks at school. I was very quick to get her the help she needed and she has now had a couple of sessions of CBT and seems to be improving.
Me on the other hand, not so great. I blame myself for my daughters fragile mental health. Worrying about her has meant I have lost focus on trying to get better. I have been walking round with my mask on trying to hide myself from others, trying to keep seemingly happy but now my mask has cracked and I can't do it anymore. DH has noticed my struggle but I kept refusing to believe it was happening.
Last night my mask fell off and I could be honest with DH after a big cry.
I'm so scared. I don't think I have the strength to fight this again. I have always thought that I wouldn't grow old and die peacefully. I know I will die at my own hand when I can't take another moment of this pain.