About to fall down and I can't stop it

[AEJS]

This is my first post here so bare with me.

I have a long 20 year history of mental health issues resulting from an abusive childhood and continued adult emotional abuse by my parents until I went NC a year ago.

My diagnosis most recently is severe psychotic depression and PTSD. I take an antidepressant, anti psychotic and mood stabilisers.

In the last 5 years I have had 5 inpatient stays each 1 month long. The last one was in June of this year.

Since June I had been doing really, really well. Growing stronger and more confident every day. Enjoying life again with my family. I have one DD 14 and one DS 11.

Then about 6 weeks ago my DD said she was struggling with anxiety and had been having panic attacks at school. I was very quick to get her the help she needed and she has now had a couple of sessions of CBT and seems to be improving.

Me on the other hand, not so great. I blame myself for my daughters fragile mental health. Worrying about her has meant I have lost focus on trying to get better. I have been walking round with my mask on trying to hide myself from others, trying to keep seemingly happy but now my mask has cracked and I can't do it anymore. DH has noticed my struggle but I kept refusing to believe it was happening.

Last night my mask fell off and I could be honest with DH after a big cry.

I'm so scared. I don't think I have the strength to fight this again. I have always thought that I wouldn't grow old and die peacefully. I know I will die at my own hand when I can't take another moment of this pain.

OP. You won’t die at your own hands. I see so many exceptional achievements, and you have survived everything you thought you wouldn’t. You have more power than you realise.

You are not to blame for your daughter’s panic attacks. I believe you’re a loving mother and you’ve raised a wonderful daughter. Do not blame yourself. Asking for and seeking help is not a weakness.

Hello AEJS, we're really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

to you, OP.

You are a caring mum who was quick to spot what your daughter needed and to make sure she is getting help. That is being a loving mum, not a mum who should be blaming herself. You can’t forget your own needs though - please talk to those who know and understand you and can support you.

You stepped up, got her support, understood her. That’s amazing. That’s what she needed. She needs you more than ever.
Her MH is not your fault.