feel like my life has fallen apart

[rowlett]

my fiancé broke up with me on Saturday. his reasons were that "he's tried but it's not working" and that he can't handle the fact I don't like many of the same movies or TV shows as he does, and that he thinks I don't trust him. I'm beyond bereft. there is physical pain in my chest and it's a real struggle to even get out of bed. I'm going to copy and paste below something that I wrote about it while trying to while away the hours before bedtime. reading it back I sound so stupid (please don't be harsh on me in your replies, I honestly feel so broken. I just go to work, come home, cry, go to bed, go to work. and it's my birthday next Tuesday) but for the first 3 years or so of our relationship he treated me like absolute gold, I had never met someone who I got along with so completely or loved so much and who loved me so much in return. I really and truly 100% thought this was "it" for me and he was who I was going to be for the rest of my life. I never worried about him leaving me or doing anything wrong, I trusted him implicitly. I can't even scratch the surface of how well he treated me during those years, the wonderful things he used to say and do. it was effortless, we had no problems. (as a sidenote, no DC, we both work but he makes more than twice as much as me and I can't afford to rent either our current apartment or anything anywhere nearby on my own.)

things changed when he got a highly stressful job (teaching, he has since left that profession but his new job is stressful too and has a bizarre culture of breakups and affairs). I first caught him messaging an 18-year-old girl (he was 24 at the time I think) he met on Omegle, he used a secret phone for it and would mostly message her at night while I was asleep, or while he was supposedly at work. I finally found the phone one night hidden in a drawer while I was putting laundry away and he acted so devastated, threw the phone away, apologised over and over and convinced me it was a a stupid mistake caused by his mental health problems (they did spend a lot of time talking about their mutual depression - I have also been depressed and even occasionally suicidal for a lot of my life but I had/have NEVER cheated). it was so convincing that I believed him even though it crushed me and boy do I feel stupid now.

over the years since then I have caught him buying and hiding sex toys twice, sending strange/inappropriate messages to a few coworkers, and messaging a friend of someone he knew who was a "professional dominatrix" (I wish I was joking), and in the messages he told her he had "recently started seeing someone" (we had been together for years by then, so he certainly wasn't talking about me) and wanted specific tips on having a BDSM relationship. that was news to me. every time I caught him he would cry (or sometimes get angry) and just say over and over again that he "didn't know" why he did it. every time he would eventually get angry at me for being upset and ignore me and shut me out completely. I mean, what was I supposed to do? how could he "not know"? but every time I let it go, I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. the stress and worry would make my heart pound out of my chest and my whole body physically shake and tense up and I just wanted it to go away. just tonight I found a fully naked posed picture of him on our desktop computer (I rarely use it as I have my own laptop), along with a folder of porn when he reassured me he hadn't watched porn since we got together (it's the constant lying more than the actual porn that's getting to me). I think it's pretty obvious there's only one reason to take a photo like that.

he has also increasingly been distant, lying about where he is and what he's doing (he lied a LOT and not only about cheating, he also lied about a previous job right up until the last minute when we had to make a downpayment for an apartment rental and he suddenly admitted he hadn't made any money), and in deep depression which he refuses to properly see anybody about or take his medication for, and has missed doctors/therapy appointments so many times. during the time he took his citalopram correctly/regularly there was an improvement but he thinks he "doesn't need it", or anything else, now (doctors and therapists would disagree). he is ALWAYS on his phone and on the one or two occasions he accidentally left it in the same room as me he rushed back in and snatched it up even though I was nowhere near it and it has a lock on it. he would get mad at me and make me feel guilty for being "paranoid" that he might be doing something behind my back but can you blame me after all the things he did? but it was all interspersed with months and months where we were really happy and he'd want to spend so much time with me and would randomly buy me little surprise gifts and treat me how he used to and talk about being excited to go on our honeymoon and it would be enough to make me think things were getting better and it would be okay. then something else would go wrong.

honestly I loved him so much, I don't know what I'm even going to do with my life now (literally - we were going to buy a house together next year and now I have nowhere to live). I never thought he would do anything like this. in fact every single time he did it I never thought he would do anything like it. every single time was a horrific shock and ground my self-esteem into the dust, even moreso when he refused to talk about it or explain why he did it. I know I was stupid for staying with him but I really wanted us to get married and be happy (he was the one who proposed and cried with happiness when he did it, he booked the wedding venue where we were supposed to be getting married in 5 months' time, he brought home tons of brochures for our honeymoon which we were so excited about and which he said there was nobody on earth he'd rather visit that place with than me - now I don't even understand why he bothered while he was doing all this in the background). I asked him why he acted so happy on our holiday two weeks ago letting me think things were okay and why he told me he loved me and talked about our future house and about going on holiday next year two days before he broke up with me and he said he was "indulging me". he's ruined my life and will barely talk to me but had the balls to say he's "upset too". he's completely 100% changed from the person he used to be. he tried to make me think that was my fault but actually I don't think I deserved any of this.

he promised me he'd never lie to me or hurt me but for the past few years that's pretty much all he did.

Good Lord, woman, this man is a colossal tosser. You're reacting like you've lost Prince Charming, and it's more like you've lost the cartoon's villain. He sounds absolutely awful - unfaithful, inappropriate, controlling.

I think you're in love with the idea of being in love, of being married, of having a house and all of the trappings of married life, and you've somehow transferred all of that to this man. But guess what, you can have it with another guy! Someone who is lovely, and faithful, and kind, and generous and will never, ever cheat. You don't have to give up on all your dreams here, just on one bloke who was never worth your time in the first place.

whisky I do see what you're saying and I've probably already said (or whined, more like...) this in the thread already but I honestly have no idea how to even meet people anymore. obviously I won't be ready for another relationship for a long time anyway (right now it feels like never) but even if I was... as I mentioned I don't really have any close friends (at all...) to go out to bars or whatever with; I met this guy at university in another country while I was on a night out with my then-housemates. I don't have that sort of access anymore. plus, I mean, as stupid a concern as it sounds I could never see myself bringing any man back to my parents' house with its paper-thin walls!

Pandora thank you, good advice and I'm glad things worked out for you in the end is it strange to say that while I KNOW it's over, at the same time I just can't accept it? it all feels like a bizarre fever dream, unreal. I know I'd probably feel better if I only had myself to worry about, if that makes sense, and if I could collapse into bed whenever I wanted and not have to worry about turning down food or eating random things - but I'm really imposing on my parents and I know they have already been distressed by my feelings and how I'm reacting.

Lazy unfortunately the area where my parents live doesn't have many local jobs, most people commute - and I kinda-sorta don't want to leave my job as my coworkers are, literally, the only friends I have outside my relationship. I suppose something will have to give though. I just wish I wasn't having to make these decisions at all. the endless loop thing is very true though. had a terrible night last night, wide awake from adrenaline and replaying things in my mind until 6am even though I knew I had to work late tonight, then I only slept between 6am-8am, woke up and almost forgot reality for a minute until it all came crashing back in.

bluemoon thank you, it does help to know other people can relate

rowlett - That's just your low self-esteem talking. There are blokes everywhere! Nice, single blokes who I'm sure would love to date you. You don't need to pick up people in bars! With the time you'll have from not wasting loads of hours on this cheeky fucker, you'll be able to take up a hobby and meet someone who genuinely shares an interest with you. You will make friends in the process, too.

You sound lovely. If you put the energy out there and start taking up some classes/hobbies/activities, I am sure the friends will come. Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that this guy was your last or only hope at human contact. Nothing could be further from the truth.

A phrase that helps me in this situation OP (no offense to any men intended but its funny and spot on when in the post break up 'I'll never date again' slump): dick is cheap and plentiful 😂 And many of them are attached to absolutely lovely faithful men. A few things I wanted to say:

1. you don't want someone who doesn't want you. Seriously. Someone who doesn't want you does you a favour when they leave your life. You deserve to be around people who value you

2. those painful memories will fade. The memories of the happy times are the worst aren't they! Your brain can only hurt over them for so long. I swear a day will come where you can remember even the most romantic special moment like a proposal with a dispassionate 'huh, that happened'

3. you've lost a relationship (with a cheat) and it sounds like you're not happy with your social life other than the relationship. Now is your chance to build a new social circle from which you can get so much fun and love and support and enjoyment. It'll teach you that you don't have to get your social support and love from a partner, it can be just as if not more special from a good friend. Friends tend to outlast relationships and aren't as conditional. They're hard to make but people do manage to make new friendships and so can you. If you go through something this awful again you won't feel like you're doing it alone! When I split from my ex last year (very painful, his decision, was for the best) and I moved cities I posted on a local Facebook group to the new city aligned with one of my interests seeing if anyone fancied a coffee. I moved and met one of the people that replied and we've now been friends for 18 months. She's fab. She's seriously amazing. We have a great mix of fun together and very common interests and beliefs but we've also been a great support to one another throughout difficult times, we meet every couple months and I love her to bits. I'm fortunate to have plenty of friends overall some of decades standing but it showed me you can always make room for another and it's the quality that matters not necessarily longevity.

4. sit down and have a think about what you want your life to look like. Are you still in this job? What sort of friends do you have? Are they around a specific hobby? What interests would you like to develop? Where do you want to live? Would you like to be the person who goes to a book club on Monday, salsa on Wednesday and then sees friends for brunch on a Sunday? You have a brilliant opportunity here to develop yourself into a person with a rounded life and friends so that you'll never be this reliant on a man again or this bereft and alone if a relationship implodes (most do).

5. your mum crying all night, what's that about? Wouldn't be surprised if she had her own reasons for that other than you so try not to feel guilty. I mean my dad has taken me in for the night after a surprise breakup from a serious relationship and seen me in bits but it didn't cause him to break down too. It's not a particularly typical response from a parent to cry themselves to sleep all night in full earshot of their child when their child has had a break up. Sounds like you need your own place asap. Highly recommend a quality house share with fellow adult professionals and an en suite if you can get it. Many do four month contracts.

6. imagine a relationship with a man you can trust. Whose phone you don't have the urge to check. Who you can snuggle up to without wondering where he's been or whether you need an STI check. You can have that now. You couldn't with him.

7. finally, take a bit of power back and let people know what's happened. Don't lose your dignity by slagging him off to all and sundry but don't be afraid to tell the truth. Tell a couple of close workmates 'actually, I've called the wedding off. I realised we weren't right for each other' or even that you found out about cheating (wouldn't recommend dragging the drama into the workplace tbh). It's not technically accurate but who cares, I bet in months to come you'll realise you should have called it off, and putting it across that this was a decision you made or that was at least mutual will help you feel like less of a victim and a poor jilted woman. You don't have to tell anyone yet. Is it better for you to be occupied at work right now or do you feel it's making things worse having to be there and act okay right now? There's no shame in having a couple weeks off either with your leave or signed off by the GP with stress. I literally couldn't function without sobbing when I went through similar so had a week off self certified as was in a customer facing role.

It hurts like hell but you got this. Please please come back in six months and a year as well as getting the support now so we can see how you are and you can read how far you've come.

Ps would you do the same for your parents? If shit hit the fan? I reckon so, you sound lovely. So please don't allow your temporarily damaged self esteem tell you you're imposing on them. Most parents (not all) want to be there for their kids if they at all possibly can be. Xx

I had a breakdown at work last night and they sent me home, after forcing me to drink a cup of sweet tea and eat a biscuit and letting me cry for ages in the office and ramble tearily at length. I'd thought work would be a distraction for me so I've been still going and trying to fake it (although last night people told me they've all noticed I haven't been my usual bubbly chatty self at all) but every day is just getting worse and worse. I can't get a doctor's appointment until next Wednesday. but either way I just can't get over this. the hours drag on and on forever and the time and distance which I thought would start helping is just so painful. I have physical pain in my chest, a constant heaviness, a shortness of breath and tightness of throat. I feel constant sickness and dread. I honestly just wish I was dead all day every day. I was going to kill myself on Sunday; I've been depressed before and thought about death but never before have I had such a detailed plan and actually been able to see myself going through with it, never before have I been so close. the only reason I didn't end up doing it was I was too depressed to get out of bed and go to the place where I planned to.

rowlett - I think you're really seriously depressed. Without diminishing for a second your feelings, I don't think it's this guy, I don't think it's the break-up... I think you are unwell and you need help.

Saying this doesn't have revelatory force. You won't feel better just because you are reading that you are unwell. Everything will feel as grim, dull, and difficult as it did previously. But please trust me when I say that this is because of a chemical imbalance in your brain, a chemical imbalance that can be helped with treatment - the right drugs, maybe some counselling too.

It. Will. Pass. It doesn't feel like it now, it might not feel like it tomorrow, but with help you WILL laugh and love and be filled with joy again. Just hang in there.

Do you have someone you can talk to in real life? A parent? A sibling? A friend? Reach out. You need them, and they will be glad to help.

whisky I see what you're saying but I didn't feel this way until he left. I know I want to be dead specifically because I can't have the happiness I wanted with him.

I've been speaking to all kinds of people and they have been very nice and tried their best and shared their own experiences but the only thing that would really "help" is him coming back and things being like they were for the first few years. which won't happen. everything seems pointless.

rowlett - You CAN have the happiness, though. With another person. A person who doesn't chuck away a decent relationship over TV shows!! I know that probably feels impossible right now, but you will look back at this in years to come and feel positively amazed that you felt this way. You will think about this guy and feel absolutely nothing. And your care, love, and attention that so deserve to be reciprocated will be - by someone else who loves you for who you are.

Depression can be - and is often - triggered by life events.

OP, I can feel your sadness in your posts. Love, is love. Regardless of how he has treated you, you love him. I get that. It's not easy to just switch off feelings.

I have been there. I absolutely adored my exp and would have done anything for him. When we broke up, I was devastated. I never thought I would get over it.

But I did. As you will too. Because that's how life works. Yes you are grieving for the man he used to be. And after grief comes acceptance.

To me, I see a young woman who now has the whole world ahead of her. You are free to do whatever you want to do. One day you will get to experience those first date nerves again. That lovely honeymoon period of being with someone new.

For now, this is a chance to build a stronger foundation for yourself. No man should be able to shake it again. Work on building a network of friends by joining evening hobby clubs or meet ups. Put an ad up on gumtree for a room with a price you can afford. If you don't ask, you don't get.

Lastly it seems you were both relatively young when you got together. People grow and change. You haven't done anything to cause this. He has changed and you will too. When you next meet someone, you will be much stronger.

So sorry OP but he sounds like a pathetic creep. It's incredibly painful and I'm sure you feel you don't know how you will get through it and survive but time does heal. Actually, he has done you a massive favour - imagine how much worse it would have been had you been married with children.

You obviously love the man you thought he was, time to look at him in a new light - could you really love who he really is?

I wish you very best for the future.

Hello OP,

We're so sorry you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

Pm me if you want to talk Row x

SophieLMumsnet I know that's just a form reply and not your fault but I have reached out to SO many people in RL, as well as trying the Samaritans, and nothing has helped. I can't get out of bed anymore

rowlett - it's quite probable that nothing has helped because you're actually ill and need help from a qualified professional. If you said to be "I have a broken leg" and I said "Talk to your friend about that" it would sort of be the right answer (she could hand-hold and help) but it would not be the total answer (you'd still need to go to hospital, have an x-ray, get a cast on etc.)

Please don't give up!

It's not going to get better overnight OP. It just isn't. It takes time, and you have to be kind to yourself and give yourself that time!

I'm glad you have a doctors appointment next week, if you ring on the morning can your surgery get you in any sooner?

There's no evidence that depression is due to a 'chemical imbalance in the brain' (despite that phrase being said so many times that understandably many people believe it to be true), but there is evidence that antidepressants can help you to cope with what's going on in the moment.

If you can hold on, things will almost certainly get better for you. See your Gp, start some medication if it feels the right choice for you, lean on Samaritans if and when you need to, and if you're able to, commit to staying alive. Give yourself six months to see how you feel at the end, don't make any rash decisions. I know it feels like you'll never ever feel ant better than this but if you can stay with it, your mind and heart will begin to heal. We're designed to be able to heal from trauma OP, or we'd all be gibbering wrecks that never got over our first heartbreak or the first time we lost a parent. Trust in yourself, try be kind to yourself and give yourself some time to see how things go.

Ultimately only you can make decisions about your own life, and what you want to do, and the Samaritans will support you every step of the way whatever you decide to do. You don't need to suffer through this alone x

"There's no evidence that depression is due to a 'chemical imbalance in the brain"

Really? I'm no expert, but on my biology degree we were taught that it was linked to an imbalance of monoaminergic transmitters, specifically norepinephrine and dopamine?

Here you go whiskyowl www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/causes/

It's not so much that it's been proven that chemical imbalance isn't the cause, more that there's no/very weak evidence that it is the case, certainly not enough evidence to account for the popularity of that view. I think that view got picked up and repeated a lot as a way to reduce stigma (it's a chemical imbalance therefore no more shameful than a broken leg), and while reducing the stigma is obviously a brilliant thing, we just don't know whether any chemical imbalance present causes depression or is a result of it. And whether it's present or not is also contentious.

Essentially, SSRIs work by helping someone to retain a beneficial level of serotonin in their brain instead of reabsorbing it, so it seems sensible working backwards to assert that if this is the case, the imbalance must be the cause. But nobody quite knows how SSRIs work. It's just a theory at this stage.

I'm not remotely an expert so definitely do your own reading, I just think it's worth pointing out that the commonly held view has no basis behind it, as for a lot of people it's actually distressing to think that their brain is physically unwell, and can leave people feeling hopeless like there's nothing they can do.

I'm surprised at that from Mind - there's a LOT of peer-reviewed papers that suggest otherwise! I am not sure it's possible to separate out neurochemistry and experience as that guide seeks to: experience IS chemical.

But this is a bit beside the point. Poor rowlett probably doesn't need a disquisition on the causes of depression right now. How are you holding up, matey?

I think there's a possibility also that the 'chemical imbalance' theory was pushed by drug companies. It's cheaper to treat depression with a pill than to give talk therapy or help someone with holistic support to improve their lifestyle. If you can persuade people it's a chemical imbalance, you have the solution. Medication. Making pharmaceutical companies a lot of money. It's an interesting area to read into, when you consider that everyone and their auntie has completely swallowed the chemical imbalance theory.

Nothing against antidepressants at all btw, they're life savers for a lot of people.

It's not just MIND. Yes, you're right. We probably shouldn't have digressed so much, it's not relevant to the OP right now.

Hope you're okay OP.