feel like my life has fallen apart

[rowlett]

my fiancé broke up with me on Saturday. his reasons were that "he's tried but it's not working" and that he can't handle the fact I don't like many of the same movies or TV shows as he does, and that he thinks I don't trust him. I'm beyond bereft. there is physical pain in my chest and it's a real struggle to even get out of bed. I'm going to copy and paste below something that I wrote about it while trying to while away the hours before bedtime. reading it back I sound so stupid (please don't be harsh on me in your replies, I honestly feel so broken. I just go to work, come home, cry, go to bed, go to work. and it's my birthday next Tuesday) but for the first 3 years or so of our relationship he treated me like absolute gold, I had never met someone who I got along with so completely or loved so much and who loved me so much in return. I really and truly 100% thought this was "it" for me and he was who I was going to be for the rest of my life. I never worried about him leaving me or doing anything wrong, I trusted him implicitly. I can't even scratch the surface of how well he treated me during those years, the wonderful things he used to say and do. it was effortless, we had no problems. (as a sidenote, no DC, we both work but he makes more than twice as much as me and I can't afford to rent either our current apartment or anything anywhere nearby on my own.)

things changed when he got a highly stressful job (teaching, he has since left that profession but his new job is stressful too and has a bizarre culture of breakups and affairs). I first caught him messaging an 18-year-old girl (he was 24 at the time I think) he met on Omegle, he used a secret phone for it and would mostly message her at night while I was asleep, or while he was supposedly at work. I finally found the phone one night hidden in a drawer while I was putting laundry away and he acted so devastated, threw the phone away, apologised over and over and convinced me it was a a stupid mistake caused by his mental health problems (they did spend a lot of time talking about their mutual depression - I have also been depressed and even occasionally suicidal for a lot of my life but I had/have NEVER cheated). it was so convincing that I believed him even though it crushed me and boy do I feel stupid now.

over the years since then I have caught him buying and hiding sex toys twice, sending strange/inappropriate messages to a few coworkers, and messaging a friend of someone he knew who was a "professional dominatrix" (I wish I was joking), and in the messages he told her he had "recently started seeing someone" (we had been together for years by then, so he certainly wasn't talking about me) and wanted specific tips on having a BDSM relationship. that was news to me. every time I caught him he would cry (or sometimes get angry) and just say over and over again that he "didn't know" why he did it. every time he would eventually get angry at me for being upset and ignore me and shut me out completely. I mean, what was I supposed to do? how could he "not know"? but every time I let it go, I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. the stress and worry would make my heart pound out of my chest and my whole body physically shake and tense up and I just wanted it to go away. just tonight I found a fully naked posed picture of him on our desktop computer (I rarely use it as I have my own laptop), along with a folder of porn when he reassured me he hadn't watched porn since we got together (it's the constant lying more than the actual porn that's getting to me). I think it's pretty obvious there's only one reason to take a photo like that.

he has also increasingly been distant, lying about where he is and what he's doing (he lied a LOT and not only about cheating, he also lied about a previous job right up until the last minute when we had to make a downpayment for an apartment rental and he suddenly admitted he hadn't made any money), and in deep depression which he refuses to properly see anybody about or take his medication for, and has missed doctors/therapy appointments so many times. during the time he took his citalopram correctly/regularly there was an improvement but he thinks he "doesn't need it", or anything else, now (doctors and therapists would disagree). he is ALWAYS on his phone and on the one or two occasions he accidentally left it in the same room as me he rushed back in and snatched it up even though I was nowhere near it and it has a lock on it. he would get mad at me and make me feel guilty for being "paranoid" that he might be doing something behind my back but can you blame me after all the things he did? but it was all interspersed with months and months where we were really happy and he'd want to spend so much time with me and would randomly buy me little surprise gifts and treat me how he used to and talk about being excited to go on our honeymoon and it would be enough to make me think things were getting better and it would be okay. then something else would go wrong.

honestly I loved him so much, I don't know what I'm even going to do with my life now (literally - we were going to buy a house together next year and now I have nowhere to live). I never thought he would do anything like this. in fact every single time he did it I never thought he would do anything like it. every single time was a horrific shock and ground my self-esteem into the dust, even moreso when he refused to talk about it or explain why he did it. I know I was stupid for staying with him but I really wanted us to get married and be happy (he was the one who proposed and cried with happiness when he did it, he booked the wedding venue where we were supposed to be getting married in 5 months' time, he brought home tons of brochures for our honeymoon which we were so excited about and which he said there was nobody on earth he'd rather visit that place with than me - now I don't even understand why he bothered while he was doing all this in the background). I asked him why he acted so happy on our holiday two weeks ago letting me think things were okay and why he told me he loved me and talked about our future house and about going on holiday next year two days before he broke up with me and he said he was "indulging me". he's ruined my life and will barely talk to me but had the balls to say he's "upset too". he's completely 100% changed from the person he used to be. he tried to make me think that was my fault but actually I don't think I deserved any of this.

he promised me he'd never lie to me or hurt me but for the past few years that's pretty much all he did.

So you first describe him like an ideal man who was perfect for you, who loved you so much and treated you like gold then you go into the details and he turns out to be a complete wanker. Funny.

Madreputa I said that for the first three years he treated me well and then things changed. sorry if that bothered you.

He's a cheating lying scum bag. He would make my fucking skin crawl. You're worth so much more than this pos. Not sure if it's been mentioned but get an std check. His dick is probably rotting!

I'm not sure what the answer is for living situation ECT but it will get easier! You're well rid. Oh and be prepared for him to come knocking on your door when he realises he's got no one to hero worship him anymore and message his rancid ego and tell him to get to fuck!

CityOfStars thank you for this post. I really identify with the "feeling like you're going to die" thing, not that I was going to kill myself or anything but just that it physically felt like I was going to drop dead, I couldn't stop crying and shaking or breathe properly initially! I've also been barely eating or sleeping and for the first few days at work it was a herculean effort to even speak to people like a normal human being past the huge lump in my throat. your post gives me some hope, I'm glad you came out the other side

rowlett you will find more support on here than you ever expected. Can you go and stay with your parents this weekend?

Has he moved out? Is he planning on moving out? If not, pack him a bag and tell him to find somewhere else to stay.

We are here for you.

GreenFingers I have to work this weekend unfortunately he said he was thinking about looking for somewhere new but he has always paid a bit more rent than me due to earning a lot more (I would even it out by paying some other bills or groceries) so I don't think he would move out and leave the place to me. I couldn't afford it even if he did! thank you for your support

bolstered by this thread I reached out to a couple of coworkers tonight and they have actually been wonderful. I still just can't believe this is happening to me.

rowlett I'm so glad you've reached out to your colleagues and they're supportive the instagram thing was just an example of what worked for me, maybe not a great idea for you at the mo if it will stir up your emotions! Reading is a great idea, perfect escapism. I like reading my favourite old books when I'm down, I find it such a comfort, writing too.

It's called love bombing! The first part of your relationship where everything was perfect was the lie! That is not the person he really is. He is really the person who lies and cheats and manipulates you and gaslights you when you catch him out. The love bombing makes you try and try to get back to that perfect relationship that you had originally and to do that you will probably realise now you gave him more and more and expected less and less of him until he had you in the position where you were accepting of his repeated infidelity and believed his lies. Almost certainly there is now an OW somewhere in the wings so he has lined up a replacement and now has no further use for you so will now expect you to be nice to him and just let him move on.

I'm sorry to be so blunt when you are hurting but he is awful and I'm sure you know deep down that he's been awful for years, I'm also fairly sure you've been making allowances for him because he's 'depressed' unfortunately his depression didn't stop him doing the things he wanted to do, just allowed him to use it as a get out of jail free card.

Please, if you can afford it make an appointment to see a counsellor who understands emotionally abusive behaviour, if you can't afford it go to the doctors and ask them to refer you for counselling as soon as possible. It will help you see through his behaviour to the cruel and abusive man beneath the veneer of a nice person he presents to the world.

I've had to move home and it is a thousand times worse than I even expected. most of my belongings are still at "our" apartment as there is simply no room here. I happened to have an auto-allocated week off work that coincided with the move and I spent the week barely eating or sleeping and didn't leave the house even once, but I suppose I foolishly thought that it would be semi-healthy to have a solid "grieving period" before I had to start real life again. I started back at work yesterday and it felt like my throat was full of gravel and I had to keep taking a minute or two to steel myself into not bursting into tears. the manager who I had initially confided in quite a lot before was on shift which helped a little and again he was very willing to listen and very nice and helpful and gave me some advice and anecdotes from when something similar had happened to him in the past. but not long into my shift one of the other ladies there, in the most pleasant and well-meaning way possible, said to me "it won't be long until your big day now, will it?" after all everyone knew I was getting married next April. I couldn't even face going over the whole thing to yet another person so I just sort of nodded and smiled while looking at the floor tbh.

I mean, I know we were together for such a long time that even if we weren't ever going to have that "happy ending" I dreamed about, it will still obviously take a long time to get over it. months, years, who knows. but I just don't want to be going through this. it's the worst pain I've ever felt.

sorry, I don't really have anybody else to speak to. my parents are upset that I'm upset and upset that he is now so different to the person they used to know, and they've gone through a lot in the past two years with my grandmother dying and my father going through (and thankfully recovering from - although it was a long and awful process) cancer, and I feel consumed with guilt on top of all the other pain and hopelessness I'm feeling that I've landed back in their home to add more stress to them.

I really feel like you should try some therapy. I totally get that you would be upset - but isn’t there one tiny little piece of you that reads your initial post and thinks ‘if this was my best friend, I’d tell her she’s well shot of the creep?’

It’s only been a couple of weeks, take care of yourself, learn to love yourself. Clearly your self esteem is at rock bottom.

Diana, thank you for your post, and while logically I know you're right, I have to admit that right now the prevailing emotion/thought I have is just this sense of devastation and numbness and just wishing I was dead to get it over with.

he cried when I moved out and hugged me tightly, rubbed my back. I know a stronger person would have just pushed him away but it all felt so unreal, like a nightmare, that I just let him.

He's a total waster. You've had a lucky escape.

I feel suicidal and don't know how I will get through work tomorrow

Sweetheart he has done you a favour although I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment. There are a lot of alarm bells in how he has treated you. You sound as though you’ve been very forgiving and in turn he has taken advantage of that. Thank goodness you are not married to him, you deserve so much better and as other posters have said you will get through this. It does sound as though you have a pattern of attracting men who don’t treat you well and I imagine this is down to your low self esteem. Please help yourself by understanding this pattern and where your low self esteem comes from before entering any more relationship. This needs resolving so that you can attract a kind and decent man that will treat you with the respect that you deserve. Good luck and please don’t waste any more tears over this poor excuse for a man.

Work can wait, your life cannot. Please ring the Samaritans and talk things through with them. Tel: 116 123
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

You deserve so much better. The easiest break up I've ever had was with the shittiest, cheatingest guy: once I'd got over the original shock, which is where you are, I realised how incredibly glad I was to be out of that relationship and haven't looked back since.

You sound lke a lovely caring person who has been ground down by this utter piece of shit. Get your stuff and don't look back. Anyone or noone would be so much better than this total waste of space.

Just in case I didn't say it before, you are worth soooo much better. He is not worth a second of your time. It will hurt now but I guarantee that a year from now, it will be (if you think of it at all) something that you look back on with relief or even humour.

You've lost nothing. You've gained...freedom. Forget about him and think about all the fun stuff you can do now. What do you like to do? Hobbies? Dreams? Ways you like relaxing? Treat yourself. Night night.

I'm sending you hugs and love. I've been there and I've never experienced anything more acutely, unbearably agonisingly painful, even losing my mum didn't really come close in intensity and pain and simply feeling like my life was over.

Please text with the Samaritans on 07725909090 if you can't face calling up. I promise nobody in your position ever thinks it'll get any better but I promise almost everyone finds they do move on to more bearable days, then happier days, then eventually days where they don't even think about their ex and finally days where they're delighted it ended. I swear. I really do.

This guy ain't a catch, he's a sleaze, you deserve and will someday find better. So fortunate to find out and have it over now without the added agony of having had a wedding day in front of everyone and the financial legal complications of divorce. Hugs xxx

I think you need to get some support today, can you seea counsellor? It might feel expensive but worth it in the long run.

I suspect you are an empath/highly sensitive which is why you are able to be taken on by him amd also why it hurts.I am similar so can relate.

He is not a good man.He has done you a favour as you will learn from this.

Hermonie I definitely think I'm an empath too, it's something I have noticed about myself a lot over the years. I just... feel everything too much. it's agony.

Lemon, cold, Choc, thank you for your kind and thoughtful posts I am reading everything and listening to the advice even though I'm sure it seems I'm not. I know it probably sounds pathetic but pretty much all of my hobbies and dreams involved him. we had our whole lives planned out including moving to another country after we got married to take over the running of some condos on land he owns over there. my favourite ways to spend time were cooking with him, watching TV with him, shopping with him, walking with him, cuddling with him. I thought for some reason that it might get better after a while of not seeing or speaking to him but actually the past few days have been far, far worse than any of the days before.

my parents were upset and angry last night with the stress of me being here (I brought very very little with me as I knew there wasn't much space but it has still resulted in them needing to clear out some of their own stuff, and although I've tried to act sort of normal and pleasant for their benefit there have been days where I just wanted to lie in bed and couldn't move and I think my absolute exhaustion and inability to communicate a lot and my anxiety has frustrated them) which has driven me even deeper into depression. soon afterwards they apologised and my mum just sobbed and sobbed all night and I know she's actually just desperately worried about me and heartbroken for me. which also makes me feel awful. I have to go to work until midnight soon.

I can't really cope with the realities and restrictions and guilt of living at home after 6+ years (my entire adult life) living away... but despite frequent searches on rental websites anything else is still currently out of my budget. even most house shares cost around half my wages and, again, haven't enough room for all my stuff. I'm going spare thinking about where on earth I'm going to put all my belongings, how on earth I'm even going to get into the apartment to get them, the extra stress that it will put on my parents. anyway so many of my things are things he bought me when we were happier (or I thought we were anyway)... he used to always buy me little gifts for no reason. there's a wedding dress hanging on the wardrobe at the apartment and my beautiful engagement ring stashed away in its box in one of the bags I brought with me. I know it might sound insane in the context of everything else but when he proposed to me none of this had happened and it was truly the happiest moment of my life. I can't believe it's come to this.

I can't even grasp the concept of ever wanting to be with anybody else... can't imagine anyone finding me pretty or wanting to be naked in front of anybody ever again... these were things I didn't worry about with him since at the start he was so reassuring and built me up so much and made me feel good about myself. now I feel like less than nothing. I can't face that kind of disappointment again. he will probably move on soon (after paying the full rent and bills alone he was left with £13 to his name) and then I'll be paralysed with fear that I'll see him around the city with someone (I never even wanted to move back here ever again after I left; we came back as he happened to get a job here 3+ years ago and now I'm trapped here and can't afford to leave).

and I just feel like... we did EVERYTHING together. how long before I stop wanting to sob walking around bloody Tesco (I know this is beyond ridiculous but grocery shopping was just so peacefully domestic), when can I face "our" restaurant again (it was a silly tradition that we always went there for our birthdays... I ended up spending this one completely on my own and at 9PM got a monosyllabic and unprompted "happy birthday" message from him that I didn't even know how to respond to), how can I ever walk the streets of my favourite seaside town (where we had quite a few genuinely lovely peaceful breaks)? I know this is something that everybody who goes through a bad breakup has to think about and go through... it just feels so unfair that the ghost of him is haunting every aspect of my life when this isn't what I wanted. I keep wanting to tell him things (nothing dramatic, mundane everyday stuff that we always talked about) then remembering he doesn't give a shit. I haven't eaten in 2 days.

I have also emailed samaritans. writing things out helps a little in the moment but for every second, minute, hour afterwards, good god the pain is indescribable.

Been there and it fucking sucks. The pain is physical and sometimes it hurts to even breathe.

Take it an hour at a time, and a day at a time. Focus on just getting through what you are doing. Try and eat - depression is made worse through lack of food. I know you probably don't feel remotely hungry right now, but you need to eat - try thin soups as they'll be easier for you to manage.

This WILL pass. It will - I completely, absolutely 100% promise you it will get better. In a month you'll be better than you are today - and again in 3 months, 6 months and so on. You'll have a day where you don't think about him or where you laugh at a joke and genuinely feel happy.
It will come.

At the moment, it's about survival. Can you look for a different job that would lend itself to you being able to get to work without having to use taxis? That would free up a bit more income for you and mean that you could look at trying to rent somewhere.

Be kind to yourself and try as much distraction as possible. At the moment everything will be running in an endless loop in your head - all the memories etc. Try TV, films and books to help distract you from them; it will get easier.

I have been there. I recognise so much of what you are saying. Take heart that you are not alone in feeling like this. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. Practise saying I am Okay, everything will be alright.

Please get counselling.
Go no contact. Don't reply to messages.
Read Chumplady's website. There is an extensive archive section and the comments are useful too.

Hang in there

I have been in your situation and it's absolutely dreadful, I know. I can't describe the pain, I had no idea how I would ever function again. It seemed impossible. BUT - three years down the line, I am happier, more content and more settled than I ever thought I would be. I am with an amazing man, I live in a gorgeous house and I am 100% settled in our relationship. He is so far away from the type of man I went for before but it's just perfect for both of us.

My advice:

1. Accept that it is over, however long it takes. For me, it was the final time he rejected me and I knew in my heart. It's horrible but also a relief.

1. BE KIND to yourself. Eat what you want, sleep when you want and avoid any extra pressure where possible.

1. When the next day seems too much to handle, just live from minute to minute then hour to hour.

1. Realise what a dick he is. My relationship was very abusive and I emerged a shell of the person I used to be. Think back to how badly he treated you and you will soon be thinking "Why the actual fuck was I with him?!" At this stage the anger might set in.

1. Give yourself something to look forward to. Anything at all. Eating ice cream for dinner in your pyjamas. Drinking a bottle of wine.

And 6. Prepare yourself that he may come crawling back. This type often do. Be ready to say NO.

Look after yourself sweetheart xx