Terrible Toddler and twins and I can't stop crying

[1becomes3]

I Have only made it to 2 and half weeks of having my Dt's and i have had enough.
I knwe it was never going to be easy but i didn't expect to feel this crappy.

Sounds silly but, I have a c-section so I can't pick my dd up (who is the 22 month old terrible toddler in this)
it is making my life really hard as I have to rely on the help of other people to take care of her, she feels left out as she see's me holding the dt's and doesn't understand why I can't do things with her.
So she gets frustrated and then so does DH when he is looking after her, he has a go at her then I have a go at him for being an arse, then we fight which only upsets her more and makes her want to be held by me more.

Dh and I are at eachothers throats all the time as well because one of the dt's doesn't sleep at night so we are both really tired, and I can't stop feeling like shit because everytime I look at this dt I don't feel how I think I should about her, I know I must love her but tbh i don't like her.
God i feel even worse admitting that. I could never say that out loud I guess that is why I am on here.

I just feel so low and I am dreading my six week check up because when the Dr gives me the all clear I won't have the help I have now with dd, I don't know how I will cope on my own, I have tried to tell dh how I feel but he just shrugs it off by saying that he will help me, but he can't be with me during the day cause he has to work.

How am I going to cope with 2 babies and a toddler who is entering the terrible 2's early

You need support. Doyou have a SureStart in your area?

Don't let your GP give you the all-clear without giving you some help.

Have you seen your HV? Is she any good?

Can you get someone to come in and help you with bedtime? A NNEB trainee or something from a local college?

Do you have family/good friends/MNers nearby?

You are in a massively hard situation which WILL be rewarding in a short while, I promise you. Hang in there - I really, really sympathise (I had a 21m gap, but not twins second - you have my admiration!) xxx

big hug to you. Sounds like sleep deprivation is a big issue. Have you talked to your Hv? I know they vary hugely but some are great. There is a scheme called homestart that might be of use to you - volunteers that will come round and play with dd or wahtever you want really. Again your HV should know if its available in your area. What about TAMBA? are they any help? my sil had twins with an older toddler and she found it very hard, i have so much admiration for her. i would only say that i is very normal to feel likke you cant help, take any offers of support, and weep all over GP and any other health professionals until they offer help. perhaps try to talk to dh and prob. most problems there are down to lack of sleep. hth thinking of you.

Hi 1becomes3 poor you. Everything will be ok. If I think back to how I felt when I'd had my ds only 2 weeks old I cant imagine what it must be like to have 3 little ones to think about. Your hormones are bound to be still up in the air and it must be a huge change having 3 babies - but remember that this is just going to be a phase for a short period of time. It might take a little while to bond with dt but I'm sure it will happen. Don't let the gp give you the all clear at 6 weeks. Tell him/her how you are feeling. It is perfectly normal to feel low after giving birth. Have you any family near by who can help out a bit more. Remember this phase will not last forever.

should say 'cope' not 'help'

Oh honey.

Right.... let's think about this slowly. (also do you want to email me and get my number and we can talk?)

Actually..... email me! We need to talk honey.

lovelymarslady at aol dot com

Ah, yes, should have added "talk to Marsy" to my post

Anyone would have their work cut out with twin babies, a toddler and a C-section. Health professionals have been known to take most notice of those who make themselves most visible. DO NOT, like Hunker said, downplay your difficulties in any way when you see your G.P./H.V. If anything, make them sound even worse than you've told us on here. They'll still think you're heroic, I promise. You really do need all the support you can lay your hands on - any of us would.

Good luck xx

Instead of picking her up, if you have at least 1 free hand can you crouch down and cuddle her when she's upset? Might that help?
Or sit down yourself and let her climb on your lap.

Or does she get upset precisely when you are up to your neck in twins?

Could mars move in with you for a bit?

I wish I could janh! I wish I could!

I remember the exhaustion and thank God daily that mine were old enough to understand why I couldn't reach over and cuddle them when they needed it.

But that initial exhaustion needs dealing with. I can't remember where 1b3 lives... if it were close enough then I would go. However, 1b3 please please please email me and let me have your number, or take mine.

Dear 1becomes3 - this is not unusual with young dts so don't beat yourself up. There is some great advice on the thread already. It will get progressively easier but you need to get some support mechanisms. Is there a local twins club; try talking to other local twinparents who have survived the awful first few weeks or who could even help you out. Ours were fantastic and we could not have got through those first weeks without them. Can you get any relatives to help to give your two year old some 1:1 time to take the pressure off you and dh? Don't worry it is very common to bond at different times with the dts. One of mine was difficult to feed and in every other way and I resented this dt for the first few weeks.

With us it just did get easier at one point 6 or 7 weeks or so when the dts seemed more settled and there were visible gaps between feeds and nappy changes. If it is any consolation,imo dts are so much easier when they are toddlers than singletons. They amuse each other and don;t seem to get as frustrated. Please look after yourself and don;t let the GP sign you off at 6 weeks as advised.

bless you

pleeeeeeeease call Mars, please

so exhausting with one newborn, never mind two, and a toddler

and definitely surestart

none of this sounds silly, you need support !

have you contacted TAMBA ?

Oh 1becomes3 I can't imagine how hard it must be, twins alone were enough for me! You have had lots of sound advice here already and I can't really add to it, other than to offer some practical support if you are in the north east?

If you tell the dr what you have just told us at your 6 week check, I don't think he will take your help away. He shouldn't, anyway. I found three under the age of four a living nightmare, so three under the age of two must qualify you for some outside help.

I hope you get it. And don't worry over much about your situation with dh. I can remember all that pent up frustration and unreasonable outbursts every time we had a new baby - it isn't nice or helpful, but it is pretty normal.

1becomes3 - I really feel for you. I have it the other way round - my DTs had just turned 2 when DD was born and it was incredibly hard for the first 2 months. I felt like there was absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel and was in complete despair most of the day whilst DH was at work. The DTs were very jealous of the attention that DD got.

Please believe me when I say that it will get easier, you are right in the thick of the worst of it probably! I found that once the baby got to about 6 weeks things started to calm down and they had got used to her - I would give them treats and tell them that they were from the baby and that seemed to help. One of the DTS has never warmed to the baby at all and then tonight asked if he could cuddle her in the bath, that felt like a huge breakthrough.

ANyway I think what I am trying to say is that through a combination of sleep deprivation and the difficulties of a toddler, anyone would be stretched to breakign point. I wish I could offer some kind of practical help - whereabouts are you based? Is there a local college where they have work experience childcare staff who could come and help you out for a few hours a week? I know that this was available in my area but I didnt know anything about it at the time!

I hope this helps a bit........lots of love to you xxxxxxxx

Hi,
Just typed a long message and lost it! Marslady has asked me to try and help. My situation was different in as much as I had triplets, and my son had died two years previously, so I was on a real roller coaster of emotions. The babies were born at 32 weeks and all home by 36 weeks. I expressed milk for the first 9 weeks so they could be bottle fed, and was lucky enough to have willing help from family and friends. Harry returned to work as an engineer for P&O Ferries, but took early retirement when they were 12 weeks old, shift work and three babies did not work! I was sent Heather, a retired teacher in her 50s from Homestart, that was arranged by my health visitor. She was terrified of them at first because they were so small, but would hoover, was, iron, shop etc and help me get out for a walk with them. Nine years later she remains a true friend and even has them over once a year for a sleepover! It was hard, we became zombies, it seemed endless, the help gradually stopped because Harry was now at home. It was the nights though, an hour here, an hour there, sheer exhaustion.Then a miracle, just after they were 4 months they all started sleeping thru the night, it changed everything. Whilst they were in hospital the staff had kept a daily diary on each of them, dont ask how but we managed to keep it up, every day for their first year! It was good we did, as there were times when we were so tired we couldnt remember who we had fed and who needed feeding! I have just looked at the books now, and you wonder when you ever slept. This awful stage will pass, accet any offers of help you can, dont beat yourself up trying to do it all, leave any uneccessary jobs and REST whenever you get the chance, don`t spend the time ironing! Let us know if any of us here can help, you know we will. Cat me if there is anything I can do, even if its just to listen, it will all be worth it, I promise, xxx

Forgot to say I was 46 and Harry 57 when they came out of hospital, and if we thought it was hard then then we were wrong! They are now 9 and obviously we are 9 years older, they exhaust us, but are a constant joy to us and much loved, and I feel so proud to be their Mum xxx

i had twins and a toddler.

although my toddler was good - i has a twin who wouldnt shut up crying

i didn't like her for years.

if you want to mail me feel free.

creamy custardo at hotmail dot com

I know its controversial but have you considered putting your dt's on the bottle. It would make life less exhausting for you to produce all the energy needed to feed 2 babies, not to mention that means someone else ( even DD with careful supervision poss) could help feed, or take them off your hands while you spend precious and necessary time with DD. I know no one is supposed to talk this kind of heresy but I tried and failed completly to BF all 3 of mine and DS aged 5( 6 next month) and DD1 aged 3 are bright happy and intelligent children (DD2 wait and see only 14 weeks) so no harm done there - more harm could be in store if you exhaust yourself - just a thought to consider

I agree on that point, I was soooooo exhausted expressing, felt so tied, but felt I wanted to give them that good start, but afte 9 weeks I gave up and changed over, so good to let others help with the feeds. We used to make up 27 feeds a day and had to buy a separate small fridge to keep the bottles in and two sterilizers on the go!

Can't agree on the bottle feeding score. But... I can help you with the breastfeeding if that's what you want to continue doing. I don't think that making up bottles will make you any less tired. I do know that the tired will pass and that the exhaustion is more than the feeding. In fact the feeding makes you sit still.

If you want to email, call etc then please do. Whatever you decide to do honey... we are here for you, as much as we can be.
Mars xxx

Big hugs 1B3 - I had ds2 when ds1 was 22 months and it was hard with just one baby let alone two. Ds1 was pretty good when ds2 was born but there have been times since when I feel just the same as you re the toddler behaviour - still do now and wondering the effects ernie will have on the others ... I try to remember that it is their behaviour that I don;t like - and that I love them really! Although it is hard sometimes!!!!

with the feeding I really do think you shuld do what is best for you

See if you can get some help from somewhere else - my friend had a teenager come in at teatime to play with her older one or watch the babies - whichever needed doing so she could get stuff done. Do you have family close by? Think going to your twins club will be good.

Thinking of you xxxxx

haven't read the other answers yet - but my sympathy - I have pretty much the same gap between ds1 and my twins - it is truly all encompassing exhausting in the early days.

First - non-sleeping babies. Do a shift system with dh - you go to bed at say 8 and sleep until 1, then you are on call for the second half of the night. DH does the early shift from 8-1. That way you both get at least some sleep. Feeding (if you are breast feeding) either express or bottle feed for that 8-1 shift.

For your older one - explain you have a sore tummy and can't pick up for a few weeks - show her where it hurts. And then enlist her in helping look after the twins - so she can fetch and carry things for you, she can bring books for you to read to her while you are feeding the twins. Also try putting music on and let her dance, and sing with her.

Also try and get out for walks - while the weather is good - twins in pushchair older one toddling along - fresh air for all. Also same in the garden - twins in the pushchiar in the shade - you and dd playing with whatever she can find - eg leaves, petals, pebbles etc.

It does get better - mine are now 4 and 5.5 and very much entertain each other. The first year and of that the first few months are by far the worst.

also another thought - co-ordinate their sleep times - both twins together, and dd also with naps if you can - and then you sleep too - forget everything else and sleep for an hour.

The 2 hour rule worked well with mine - babies never awake for more than 2 hours at a stretch - sometimes they only managed an hour - anything more than that they got overtired and really difficult to get to sleep (and there is nothing worse than overtired twins ).

Try and get the twins sleeping and feeding at the same time as each other - the only time I would recommend waking a sleeping baby - otherwise you never ever get a break.

I only had twins but I empathise with the sleep deprivation. A good night for me was 2 hours non stop sleep and that was rare. I was lucky in that my DTS were in hospital for the first 3 weeks so that gave me time to recover a little from the C-section. It was still a shock when we eventually brought them home because we were first time parents. Three years on and DH and I are amazed at how well adjusted our DTS are, despite our inexperience and many, many mistakes/mishaps.

If there is a local education college nearby, they may train nursery nurses and they are always looking for placements. My friend, who also had twins, used them and it really helped her during the day.

Best wishes and please keep talking to us here because even that will provide you with some relief.

Brilliant advice from Throckenholt.

Hope you manage to see these messages honey.