Anyone else with Borderline Personality Disorder?

[ThatHippyDippyShit]

I got diagnosed two years ago now. I also have depression & general anxiety. I've learnt to be more in control of my illnesses but it is still a struggle to stay on top of things some days.

How is everyone else coping?

Random that sounds like me too. I have just gone through the whole roller coaster and currently sitting here numb and drained and trying to wonder what on earth just happened.
Bizarrely I generally cope at work through complete compartmentalisation - bit like your dissociation. I have come off fb and messenger so people cannot get hold of me and my phone ringer is never on.
Then I think what a rubbish life I am leading ...

Hey! DBT was through Mind and also through NHS once I moved to a different borough where it was offered. Most areas have a PD service though with MBT or DBT :) taking Quetiapine and Citalopram - but down to a quarter of my dose now wooo!

Awww my psychiatrist didn't offer me any form of therapy, but I am having EDMR for PTSD, I'm really struggling to find DBT in my area, even privately, I'm just waiting for my blood results then I'm starting Quetipine, how did you find it appeala? Will I have any side effects when I first start it? It's just I'm on my own with a little in and iv read some people slept for 14 hours!!!

Bloody hell it's not quetapine I'm going on its olanzapine appella sorry.

I think they're pretty similar - both antipsychotics I think? It really helped when I needed it but I'll be glad to see the back of the side effects

@appella Ye they both are, Aww what side effects did you have? Would you use it again if needed? Sorry for all the questions, I start it on Tuesday and just want to know what to expect

They made me really “flat” and felt spaced out with a buzzy head!

@RandomMess What constantly and through the day? Did they ease or make you feel less paranoid?? I think I'll get my mum to look after my son overnight the first time I take it.

Weight gain like MAD. I was underweight when I started it, have barely changed my eating and I'm now overweight. Otherwise it's okay but long term it effects your metabolism, sleep, bones, liver, vision etc. Personally I would go without in future. I was incorrectly diagnosed bipolar initially hence quet but it's very sedating so it helped with anxiety and emotion regulation. I can't sleep without herbal sleep aids now and when I was on a higher dose I would be tired all the time. I also started getting bad eye pain and worsened vision. That said - it kept me alive - the only reason I wouldn't take it again is because coming off it is so bloody hard

appella how did you manage to come off them?

I'm on 150 mg of quetiapine daily and without it I don't sleep at all. I feel so flat and exhausted all the time when I'm on it. It does sort of help with emotion regulation which is why I'm reluctant to come off it.

I've tried coming off it several times and it massively increases the explosiveness, the mood swings, anger, complete inability to regulate my emotions etc.

I've put on so much weight though and I hate the numbness and exhaustion I have now. It's such a toss up between the two extremes isn't it but I also feel I can't stay on them forever as eventually DP and I want DC.

Oops sorry - just realised you're still on them. I'll rephrase to how did you manage to knock down the dose?

I was diagnosed with Borderline, well Emotionally unstable about 2 weeks ago. When bdp was first mentioned I let my boss know this was on the cards (along with severe depression, insomnia and ptsd which were diagnosed over the past several months), he seemed supportive. Mentioned emotionally unstable and he recoiled asking if I was a danger to others etc. Made me feel like shit, I asked that on my care plan its referred to as bdp as it seems more acceptable.

The road to this assessment has been long. Started with going to the gp about depression. Signed off, given AD's and a referral made to psychological and welfare. Was diagnosed with PTSD and insomnia, talking therapies declined as it wasn't right so referred to Crisis (self-harming and having suicidal thoughts). AD's changed several times as some made me worse, 12 weeks signed off from their service (that's all they offer) and referred to personality disorder unit. Diagnosed as borderline and now on waiting list for something called STEPPS which is several months long.

In the meantime, on AD's, and still phoning Crisis and Samaritans because I am not coping. I am scared to go out in case the voices get too much again and I throw myself in front of a bus. At home, all knives and blades have been removed, I am allowed Needles and certain plastic cups because I cannot go deep with them. Meds I can only have what I need for the day, the rest are locked away. Which crisis (self-referred back as I had been on their books) and personality unit know about. Also told them how I now creative in how I SH (won't mention online as I don't want to give others ideas) when queried how I manage without blades.

It's hell. Now on the max dose of the AD's. Not sure what happens it these don't work, been on all the others SSri's. The more assessments that have been done, the more doors that are opening, and staying opening, which is making other things harder. Again they know this.

Have been off work for several months. Tried to go back several times but had to be talked home as I pass busy roads, water, and a notorious bridge referred to as suicidal bridge (no other route).

SSP has now run out. My wages no longer cover rent never mind anything else. Waiting back to here from HB and about ESA. Hearing the horror stories about these I am doubtful. And I try not to think about that too much as it escalates the SH.

On the plus, I am skint so can no longer afford any sensations seeking activities, the free ones I am too scared to go out. Single anyway so always lonely, and there's no one left to abandon me as I have chased everyone away, this was something I can control and it felt awesome. I'm in my own little bubble.

@Theresnonamesleft your story is exactly the parrallel to mine!!! I started with anxiety and depression, was on mirtazapine, they switched me to sertraline and I had a psychotic, I was paranoid I'd kill people with knives and thought I'd killed my friends baby as she had a miscarriage and was under the crisis team as I nearly stepped in front of a car! The only thing that stopped me was the thought of serviving! Monday I got diagnosed with complex PTSD and borderline personality disorder, I was offered no therapy only olanzaline, but I have gone to go private for EMDR! Due to me being off work so long I lost my Job!! Which really made me feel a failure!! My mum told me she thought she knew me but now she doesn't because of the way I think and how BPD brains work which wasn't helpful! I was really hoping on the antipyscotic to even me out, but now I'm really scared to take it because of the side effects!!
Your not alone, I really feel your pain trust me! It's just how can I get my head around the fact I don't know who I am or what mood I'm going to be from 1 hour to the next! And everyone else's judgement... Yes I know I'm fucked up but you don't need to point it out, I'm trying my best here!!! God it's a bloody vicious nasty worldwind and I just feel helpless!

Yes that's it. Helpless. Sometimes, I just think fuck it, stop taking AD's, stop dealing with the medical people, and go back to my head in the sand, Sh'ing, risk taking self. But then I read the 'success' stories and how people have managed to get everything under control

Do you think it really is possible to get it under control? My head is totally fucked at the moment and I'm not coping. I was thinking of going back to my GP next week but I honestly don't know what to say to them.

The explosiveness is getting worse at the moment and it is affecting my job, my relationship and my whole ability to cope with everything

Yes mine is miles away from where it was, hang on in there

Sarah have you had any therapy? I've done a lot of work to get stable enough and be able to manage the rocky emotions more sensibly which is why I'm now okay getting off it. Sleep is dreadful but herbal stuff has helped. Just take it slowly!

i have borderline. 5/6 yrs diagnosed. whole childhood, teens and (younger)adulthood thinking it was normal behaviour! until i met now ex P who dragged me to gp one day.
i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i wont live til i die naturally. im only here til DD isn't depending on me. i cant live with bpd.

theresnonamesleft i don't need blades to SH and cos i don't health team don't tend to think its serious cos im not slashing myself. yet.

appella I have had years and years of therapy to no avail - all bar 3 sessions have been privately paid for. I can't afford any more.

happy I'm so sorry you feel that way. Though I can understand where you're coming from. It's so rubbish the team don't take you seriously.

Hi there...

I just found this site

I have had bpd for a while now maybe 6 years since being diagnosed done dbt like 5 times.

Dunno if im posting on the thread right .. pretty stable now not experiencing self harm or suicide anymore but living every day is still really hard interacting with people anyways hello felllow people xx

Im pregnant at the moment and is making me even more emotional than ever.

Doing family therapy right now with my mum and its killing me when im there im really active but when i leave im thinking and thinking on what we spoke about x

I used to be on quitiapine but it fried my brain i dont even remember being on it but it saved my lifee...

I'm not coping either!!! As soon as one little thing triggers me off....my heads a goner, completely frazzled, iv tried headspace, positive thinking everything to control my anger, paranio, every feeling is so fucking intense it's like everyday is a battle like a war, I'm constantly feeling like I'm at war with my head and everyone else!! I'm going back to my GP I need answers, I need success stories?? Has anyone been able to have a successful career? Iv learnt to deal with the fact I will never have a stable relationship with a man, marriage and another baby, I don't even care about that! But will I be able to gain a full time successful job, get a mortgage make my son proud? I too would never wish this on anyone, soul destroying!! Emotionally draining, unpredictable disease that I can't find answers too!!!

Hey. I've found my people. Hello all.
Diagnosed with BPD last August.
I can't take any meds as my liver function tests are high due to alcohol misuse.
Received a referral letter yesterday to a service called IMPART. Covers a number of London boroughs. It's a specialist therapy service for people with PD with comorbid substance misuse. That's good news.
My major issues at the moment are physical issues due to alcohol abuse/misuse/ whatever you wish to call it.
The hepatologist (liver consultant) sped up this referral. Should get first appointment in 8 weeks.
I've never managed to stay sober for longer than 3 months over the years due to the chaotic, swirling, devastating emotions and my coping mechanism ultimately always comes back to picking up a drink.
I'm hoping that this therapy might give me some tools to handle my emotions in my next attempt at getting off the alcohol. In the past, whenever I relapsed after a period of sobriety, I went on a suicide attempt spree, so I'm loathe to have another failed attempt. Hoping this gives me a chance. Sounds like perfect service for me.
Haven't felt suicidal for months. Not sleeping well at all. Going to bed any time between 4am and 6am and sleeping during the day.

What a whirlwind of a hectic chaotic life I've lived. A walking talking disaster.

There's a piece on the leaflet they sent me about this service.
What causes Personality disorder?
The answer is not clear. A leading theory suggests that a 'mismatch' between a person's temperament, which you were born with, and their surroundings can lead to invalidating experiences, which in turn can lead to a personality disorder.

That has to have been the most accurate comment I have read so far in relation to BPD.

Was in two minds whether to post as I've seen this diagnosis used against people on here before. But fuck it. People who use it against me are nasty ass beatches, so not worth thinking about. If I can get a bit of support from you guys, feck them.

Hey there

dunno how to like respond properly but

To respond to cmblue.. i have a career that I love and this is after loosing my last job due to a breakdown and stuff so its possible if its your goal!!

. I also wouldnt wish it on anyone its impossible to describe...took me years to find out what my actual diagnosis was and then the stigma is the worst i hate it. it is extremly hard to deal with and all of the things you described i still experience every day even though maybe circumstances have improved.

There is light ...some kind of light... i found dbt to really help me but ive done it alot im even on a waiting list now to do it again!

Hi hiddley .. really hope your therapy goes well let me/us know how it goes. I found therapy to be the only thing thats helpee or given me tools to deal with my emotions slightly really hope it does the same for u ..Congrats on ur sobriety too xx

Just to update quickly. I went back to GP today. He's referred me back to the psychiatrist as he doesn't want to start changing my meds when I'm already on a lot. I really hope the referral doesn't take too long!