It is quite reassuring to read this. I had a traumatic childhood, attachment issues, eating problems, then started self-harming in my early teens. Lots of psychiatric involvement for many years, hospital stays, suicide attempts etc. Stabilised in my twenties but self-medicated with cannabis.
I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teens.
I was then well for many years and settled, married, kids etc. Clean living. Really then struggled with kids - PND and horrendous mood swings, feel like a shit parent, lots of guilt. Put lots of pressure on myself to be a good mum. I am quite an attachment parent and had two non sleepers so was also v sleep deprived. Went on anti-ds for anxiety/depression, still on them now. However, it seems the only way I can manage and not be horrid, shouty mum, is by taking stuff - kalms, nytol, cocoodamol, diazepam if I can get it - stuff like that, etc. I am constantly trying to rebalance myself and I don't know any other way. If I do that, I am calm, cuddly, laid back attachment mummy. I also can work very hard and productively and be a good and supportive friend and partner.
But I am secretly taking loads of things.
If I don't take them, I am having loads of mood swings, shouty, stressy, tearful and just a nightmare to be around. I don't sleep, don't relax and I'm a crap parent and partner. And I think that my partner would understandably leave me.
I've tried loads of other things - therapy (also obtained a traumatic PSDS diagnosis), yoga, keep fit, acupuncture, walking, clean eating, yadda yadda. Sometimes it will help and I can be calm and stable for a couple of weeks but it never lasts.
I feel guilty and like a bad person but I don't know how to manage differently.
Strangely, I compare to lots of people that I know that have various physical health things - ME, migraines, regular flus and so on. And they take meds, stay in bed and rest. I never get physically ill. Like never! I get a bit jealous of my partner who probably has about 20 'ill' days a year where she'll get to rest and recuperate. Silly really. But is it different or is it just stress/tiredness and so on manifesting itself differently (and in a more socially acceptable way).
Am I a really bad person to take these various meds to try and manage and control my mental health? To give some more context, I'm a loving and committed parent and partner, work full time in a challenging job that I am good at which includes lots of evening working, I manage all of the usual household stuff, budgeting etc. I catch up with friends, support people, go to the gym, take the kids out regularly and have a really nice life. But I cannot manage or sustain a life like that without the medication. I don't take it all the time. So I can spend the day without it but knowing that it a reward at the end of the day.
Gosh, this has been a big rant and I may regret posting. Sorry to take over thread with my self-indulgent ramblings!