Totally exhausted - depressed husband

[Blues123]

My husband is depressed. Has had a hyper manic episode and medicated temporarily but no longer required medication. Has been seeing a psychologist for 2 yrs. We've been together for 5 yrs, one daughter 6months old.
I'm exhausted from helping him manage his mental illness, from being the sole financial provider (he had chosen to start his own business and is running at a loss currently), being the homemaker, emotional support providerand through all that it hasn't gotten better and i feel so unloved and unappreciated.

What do I do? I don't even know where to start. I am so sad but i can't be sad because it will make him more sad.

He says he thinks no one likes him. He doesnt feel worthy and is useless. I am constantly showing him my love and it hurts he never feels it or much less appreciates it.

What do I do? I love him but I am so distraught at the thought this will be my life, this anguish and constant fear and never being able to relax. I'm only 25, I cant do this for another 50years.... does it get better? Please can I have some advice x

i haven't got anything helpful to add other than your DH is lucky you recognise and acknowledge his problems. I wish my DH would recognise mine. It is interesting hearing your side as I am thinking my DH probably feels the same about me as you do about your DH. I am just waiting for the day I have drained him so much he leaves.
Have you seeked help yourself ? You sound lovely and supportive, hope you can get some of that back from someone/somewhere.

Maybe to encourage him to give up that business idea, at least for now, and get a job (employment) where he is appreciated for who he is and what he does?

My partner suffers from depression. He had a particularly bad episode shortly after our child was born and lost touch with reality a bit. What 'should' have been a joyful time was hell and you have my utmost sympathy. My mental health started to crumble. The first thing that made a difference was to detach a little from him and 'the situation' - taking citalopram was very, very helpful because it gave my brain a break from the anxiety, sadness and resentment. Things did start to slowly get better. Best wishes.

Your DH sounds like my mental twin. I have tried to find work that is satisfying mentally abd financially. But since leaving uni, each job has gotten progressively worse. I haven't been able to pursue a career as such. My DH works long hours and all the home, childcare and non work stuff has been down to me so I have found jobs that fit in around this. He thinks he is being supportive by saying I can do whatever makes me happy but actually what it comes down to is whatever doesn't affect his life. For example, he has known when school holidays are but I have to nag him to take time off. I started a home catering business which was flourishing but he lost the plot if the kitchen wasn't spotless evenings/weekends. I ended up packing it in and found a job instead. Over the years I have realised he wants a wife because he doesn't want to be alone not because he wants to be with me. He truly makes me feel useless and inadequate and unloved. i am put up with. I don't think we will be together forever.

PP was right, you need to detach a bit. Can you go to the doctors to talk about what suppport is available for you in this situation? You need to lool after you too, my lovely. This is in two categories tho, emotional and practical, and the doctor might only be able to help you with emotional support.

Your DHs mental health isnt something you can solve, he has to want to. Does he? (In theory and/or in reality) What is he doing to help himself? Is he going to counselling, doing self care, taking meds (or any of the three combined).

How bad is he? I know he's not working, but is he ok enough to get up and do things?

Being depressed is hard yes, but it isnt carte blanche for doing nothing to help with the running of a house (presuming its mild enough). Practically, he can do jobs whilst you're at work even if you have to leave him with a list.

And i say all this knowing what it feels like to a degree, because my DW has mild depression (which fluctuates in severity, mild at the moment).

Hugs, xx

Should have read your message properly, I see your DH is seeing a psychologist, sorry for missing it.

You can be sad, and you must acknowledge it and get some help OP, its hard being married to someone who is depressed and it can wear you down over time xxx

Also, being depressed is an inward facing state of being which doesnt leave much spacd for takijg care of other people because IME deoressed or anxious people find it so hard to manage themselves that they either can't see how others are feeling or if they can they misinterpret it and respond in an inappropriate way. (This has happened with me and my DW, and doeent at all when she's well)

I support my husband who suffers from depression and episodes of psychosis. There are 2 main pieces of advice that I have learnt from bitter experience.

1. Put yourself and your own health (mental and physical) first. If you go under you can't support anyone else.

1. It's ok (and in our experience vital) to share how you are feeling with your DH, even when he is unwell, the support needs to be going both ways.

Firstly get support for yourself, your GP can help with ADs if you need them and refering to councelling. I've found both incredibly helpful at times over the years. You may also be able to get support through work. My employer has provided councelling and psychology for me. Does your manager know that you are a carer (I hate that word but it can be useful to access support) my work have been flexible to my needs as a carer. I can take up to 3 days paid carer's leave per year if an urgent situation arrises and I have had my workload adjusted at times when I was under a lot of strain at home. Your GP will likely have a carers champion too who can give you advice and loint you in the direction af support. Your local authority should provide carer support, and will likely run carer groups for those supporting people with mental health problems which can be really useful. Most importantly make time to dk the things that you enjoy that keep you well. This is most important when your DH is going through a bad patch.

I have been very unwell with my mental health and struggled to talk to DH about it as I was scared of putting more stress on him. We worked together with our CPNs and found that communicating how bad things were for me and what I needed was vital and actually DH was able to offer more support than I expected and he feels better knowing that the suppirt is going both ways too.

@Blues123, it's very hard to be married to some one with mental health/illness problems. As NolongerAnxiousCarer points out, you are a carer, and it might in itself be a relief to you to start thinking of yourself as such.

I expect that you are quite focused on your DH's mental health? Has it become his personality, does it control the dynamics between you?

My DH is registered blind, he has been on AD in the past, he is an insomniac and there are many other health issues. I have supported him through all of this, and it has been so hard. We have moved house, country, spent ridiculous amounts of money on alternative treatments to try and make him better. Like your DH he is self-employed, and I have been the breadwinner for a decade. In the last few years he has gotten a decent income to match mine, and it's great relief. But a few years ago I had a near-breakdown from stress, I was constantly tearful, I couldn't sleep and I found life meaningless. I thought it was peri menopause as I all of a sudden wasn't coping as well as I used to. It was really bad, and I realised that I had been unhappy for some years, but it had become my normal. I had not left any space for myself, it was all about my DH (and our DC and my work) and I had drained myself, I was depleted. It has been very uphill since, although I am much better. We now have a cleaner and I say no a lot more. Unfortunately it was too late - we are heading for divorce. I have run out of love, and so has DH. The dynamic in our relationship is really unhealthy and we have not been able to shift it. Like you I feel unloved and unappreciated. I feel that my DH likes the convenience of marriage, but that it has not got much to do with me.

Please don't end up like me - address it now. I know exactly what you mean when you say "i can't be sad because it will make him more sad" - you are repressing your emotions and leaving your needs unmet, because you feel you have to, as there is not room for you in your relationship. If you carry on like this, you are quite likely to have a break-down like me - but of course you can't, as you are the breadwinner!

Have you thought of counselling? Can you talk to your DH about how you feel?

Thank you everyone. Unfortunately I cannot prioritise myself as things have escalated and my husband is now having a manic episode again after a week of awful depression. We are going to the hospital in a few hours and hopefully will get him started on lithium to manage the bipolar. I don't know much about this but we have to do something. Has anyome had experience with lithium??

I cant ask him to get a different job because it was unhapppiness is a job that started this all. But he is not going to make money for years in this business, he will be running at a loss for a long time. I cannot make time for myself because there is no time, I HAVE to work fulltime, have to manage the household, have to manage money...I have no family nearby, they are 10hours away. No close friends as we just moved from the other side of the country...

Thanks for all your advice but with this manic episode returning, everything is so much worse. :(

So sorry to hear he's having another episode. Priority now is obviously to get him stable on the right dose of meds, then come back to the advice when you have a minute to breathe. One hour at a time xxx

So sorry to hear that your husband is poorly again. Do you have a crisis plan? Are you familiar with the pathways to get the right help for him? Does he have a diagnosis of bipolar? Is he under a mental health team? Sorry for all the questions just hoping to tailor my answers better for you. Obviously right now your priority is to get through the crisis.

I really do know how hard it is to prioritise yourself when you DH is really poorly. Last time DH was recovering from from a crisis (but still quite poorly) He text me in a state demanding I come home immediately whilst I was with my family liason CPN (a CPN from DHs MH team whos role is to support me) DH didn't know I was meeting with him that day. The CPN was sat there saying tell him no, you need some time out for you to get through this. It is really hard to put yourself first when they are so poorly, but if you don't you will end up poorly yourself (believe me, I've learnt this the hard way this time last year I was seriously unwell with my own mental health, couldn't even work out how to make a cup of tea and DH had to look after me, which he found really tough but luckily we had a lot of support from his mental health team) I a have also been the only earner for years, and am still the main earner, so I do understand how hard it is.

To me it sounds like once the immediate crisis is over you both need to ask for a Care Act assessment including a carers assessment for you. It is law that you are both entitled to this, but it's a relatively new law (2014) and not all MH teams are up to speed with it yet. www.gov.uk/government/publications/care-act-statutory-guidance/care-and-support-statutory-guidance

You know things can't carry on as they are, something has got to give, don't let that something be your mental health. It doesn't matter if the house is a mess, or you survive on easy meals for a while. Give yourself a break even if it's just 10 minutes to have a bath.

Hi all, thanks for being here to talk to. No crisis plan but we said when this started that if he had more than 2 episodes after the initial ome, he'd go on medication. He has a diagnosis of bipolar but he had been fine after the initial hypermanic episode that the psychs and dr didn't think he needed further medication. He has been seeing a psychologist but it hasn't been too useful. We are going to the hospital now to get a referral for psychiatrist and hopefully get him on lithium. How do you make a mental health team??-

I'll look into the care assessment, I've never heard of that. I am back at work tomorrow and I think that will be good time for myself... Thanks for your support xx

Hi Blues123 so sorry to hear about your situation. My OH also has Bipolar and it is very very tough being the 'Carer'. Nolongeranxious carer is v wise. I didn't prioritise myself a few years ago when OH was v I'll and ended up getting I'll myself which was awful.

I know it's v hard to find time for you in thus situation, but it is vital. Can you have one evening out a week where you do something you enjoy? Meet a friend for coffee at the weekend?

Speak to your GP about support for you and a Carers Assessment.

He should be under a psychiatrist and hopefully with the right meds he can be stabilised soon.

Say yes to all offers of help, and keep posting here if it helps.

I really feel for you, and wish your DH improved soon, and best wishes to you both.

Your DH should by under both a psychiatrist and a CPN or Care Co-ordinator who are part of you local community health team. Ask the psych and GP.

Thank you colouringinagain x
I will really try to look after myself in all of this. I will have some lunches at work and coffees with people. No one except my sister knows what's going on, I'm hesitant to tell anyone at work but I know I should and I know I will be supported. I'm just worried they will think I'm not reliable or performing as well because I have these difficulties in my life at the moment.

Thank you about the info on who to ask for, that will make things better if I know what to ask for.

Definately push for a referal to a psychiatrist and community mental health team. The NICE guidelines for bipolar will set out what care your husband should be recieving. My husbands diagnosis is psychosis, so I'm not as familiar with what support should be offered for bipolar. www.nice.org.uk/guidance/cg185

You don't need to tell everyone at work but it would be a good idea to tell your line manager. You may well not be performing as well as normal and it will help if they understand why. You may also find that they are willing to look at some flexible working to help you through this difficult bit. I would also ask what occupational health support is available through your workplace. I get unlimmited free councelling, which I've found invaluble over the years to get me through the tough bits. It's a bit of time jusst for me to talk about what I need to talk about, and completely confidential. I know what you mean about work being a bit of time out the situation where you can just be you. I find when things are tough I go to work for a break too, but my job can be stressful and emotionally demanding too so sometimes I need a break from both! There have been times when my GP has signed me off sick and I've had to make it clear to DH that I'm off sick to look after me, not him.

Hope you get the right support for both of you soon.

A relative took lithium long term and it helped him live a long and happier life, with few downs. It was the only thing that helped him. His medical team wanted to take him off it in old age, and it did ultimately affect his kidney function, but not until well into his 80s.
Once through the crisis, I guess you could move to being firmer about life decisions that directly impact on the family, such as the business, and work out a plan for how he can effectively contribute which will be better for his mood anyway. Don't be shy of saying you need to look after your mental health too.

Thinking of you today OP

Thank you colouringinagain and NeonFlower and NolongerAnxiousCarer
I'm not doing so well. I feel like giving up, this is not the kind of life I want. I want to have a partner, not an adult child who I constantly have to monitor. When I married him this is not what I ever envisaged. Unhappy, exhausted, unloving and sexless marriage. I have no happiness in this anymore.
All I want to do is be with my daughter. Yesterday he was out in the evening and I didn't even miss him. Tonight I have to go home to this all and I am really dreading it. He has told me he has some fantastic business ideas via text and he will want to talk about them tonight. I will need to tell him that he cant go into new business when his curreny business runs at a loss, then I might push him into a depressive mood. I am not sure what's worse. I just want to disappear.

I am praying lithium will help otherwise I am not sure I can do this.

I realise this isn't an answer to the struggles you are facing, but are your family getting all the financial help you are entitled to, Blues123?

Is your husband in receipt of PIP? It sounds as if he should be, so if not then do apply (and do get help filling in the forms ... there is a 'knack').

Once on PIP there may be other knock on benefits. For example, if your family receive Tax Credits these may increase, if you don't receive them then PIP may put you in a category where you should, and so on.

It might be one (slightly) less worry.

Do you want to carry on with the marraige? It sounds really really harsh. My ddad had bi polar and my entire life was based around "how is dad feeling" on a second by second basis. It wasnt until my late teens when i realised that his mental health was not influenced by me. I could be the best daughter in the world but it would not stop him being ill.
Its tough but if you did separate at least your dd would not be facing it all the time.

Hello Blues123,

We've been going through this with my adult brother for the last 10 years. He lives with my elderly parents and they're finding it far too much to deal with.

They've started seeing a counsellor at the Mind Charity. They've found it really helpful to talk to someone who is experienced in this situation and who can actually offer them practical advice along with the support.

I really feel for you. It's hard enough for me and it's my sibling. Please reach out for help. Mentally depressed people are very parasitic of your time/energy/support and you need to look after yourself too.

blues

I'm sure he is full of ideas right now if he's hypomanic, it sounds exhausting. When DH is poorly he will talk at me about his worries for hours on end and thats without any mania. Did the hospital offer any support the other night?

Is there any way that you and DD could get away for a few days for a break? Stay with family for a few days? Obviously you are the only one who can decide whats right for you in terms of your relationship. You seem to have had woefully little support for either of you so far from the mental health services. In my experience DH getting a diagnosis, medication and support from mental health services was the beggining of getting our life back on track. (We seperated for a few months when he was at his poorliest) without the support of his mental health team I don't think our relationship would have survived, I couldn't have carried on as things were before. It makes me angry that things had to get so bad before we could get anyone to help us.