Samaritans

[CDAlady]

I am desperate and need to communicate with a kind and sane adult but can't call as my phone has sporadic reception and my dad will hear. He has dementia and I am caring for him.

I have emailed the jo@samaritans email address I found on the samaritans and nhs websites but no answer since about 5. Does anyone know if this works? If not an alternative email address for emergency support?

How are you feeling CDA? How's your day been?

If you have wifi you can make calls to landline numbers using your mobile phone when it is connected to the wifi. Connect to the wifi and use Skype to call a landline number. You will need to top up Skype with some credit. I am not sure if there is a way around the need to pay a provider for calls via your mobile phone handset and wifi. Another MNetter might know.

You may not be able to call the central Samaritans number this way but if you are not able to you will be able to dial one of the branches directly. The numbers are listed on the Samaritans website www.samaritans.org/branches you do not have to call your local branch. Pick your favourite accent, for example?

One option is for you to leave and then telephone the authorities and ask them to do a welfare check. Is your employer offering you support?

What happens if your father hears you complaining?

Thank you so much for your responses. It helps me feel less alone and some really useful info specially from dangermouse.

We went to the GP today and my dad said he was fine and coping ok and he did ok in the memory test. I had written a letter of desperation to the GP beforehand and it made me look like a hysterical fantasist.

It almost looks like my dad has tricked me. For the period he was in the surgery he seemed fine. A social worker has asked me to call tomorrow to assess how urgent the situation is an report to her what the GP said. As far as the GP is concerned it is not urgent. I think he would tell her I am exaggerating.

This is my third night without sleep.

I have made contact with samaritans now.

I have been using WhatsApp for phone calls but can only do that in the house where is wifi.

Thanks for funding info. I know that home care is free for him but it still needs a lot of input from me because he isn't safe and he is also lonely and has been suicidal.

The money issue is with residential care. Since ss are trying to keep him at home I may have to just arrange residential care privately myself and sell the house but that will only cover about two years fees. What happens then?

What needs to happen is you need to start telling the GP how you see your father's situation. You can do this in person in the surgery when your GP is there in the room with you and your father is also. There is no need to call your father a liar or trickster. Convey your point of view clearly and calmly.

If you have not slept for three night then the situation is becoming unsafe for you. Take a night off one way or another. Is it safe for you to sleep in the house where your father is living? If so, one thing you could do is go to the GP and get some medication to help you to sleep. If not, go home and get some rest. Your siblings will have to step in or not or a friend will. Like having a toddler or pet but not quite.

It is hard but I feel concerned if you are not sleeping for days on end.
Did you manage to call Samaritans? Email is not the same. The other people you could call are NHS 111 with a clear list of your father's symptoms. They do signposting.

Thank you so much for your reply. I have spoken to the samaritans by phone now as well as a couple of emails. It made me a bit calmer in the night.

I did call 111 the other night when I first discovered he stopped taking his hypertension meds a month ago and was concerned about at that point about whether he might have had some mini strokes and vascular damage because he was so (apparently) confused. It was night time and I was worried about leaving him alone when I went to the nearest town in the morning. But the same thing happened when the doctor came. He was able to answer memory questions ok and it made me look like a hysteric.

Going to the GP to get sleeping tabs a good idea. Obviously it is not my GP can I just ask for an appointment if I am not registered?

You can see a GP as a temporary resident op.

www.nhs.uk/chq/Pages/how-can-i-see-a-gp-if-im-away-from-home.aspx?CategoryID=68

Thank you

op considering his history is there a chance he's making this up? Does he have a history of controlling behaviours?

Yes he does indeed have a history of controlling behavior! That's why my mother divorced him and my sister has no contact

Oh OP - I'm worried for you. Do you have a point at which you'll say enough and go home?

We finally have a social worker and community nurse ! 🎉🎉 two sane people I can speak to. They might even make things better yay!! Maybe I can sleep tonight finally

You can get sleeping tablets as an out-of-area patient as long as the medical doctor you consult with will write you a prescription. You could also present at an out-of-hours service or dial 111 and explain the situation on behalf of yourself and not on behalf of your father.

It sounds as if what you need to happen is for you to come to terms with how much responsibility you are prepared to take on at the moment in respect of your father and his health and wellbeing. If you need a frame of reference, I am almost no contact with both of my parents. Their health is not what your father's health is. I would not do what you are doing, were their health to deteriorate, I do not think. I am not you though, different generation as well and I may feel differently when and if one or both of them is in as poor health as it sounds as if your father is.

I have no idea if this is helpful or not.

OP hopefully things will start moving soon. It sounds like your dad is manipulating you. Please make sure you tell the social worker/community nurse what's been going on.

To be honest your dad would hate residential care. Most people there would have dementia. He'd still be lonely. Residential care tends to be a last resort these days, there are better alternatives such as sheltered housing or extra care housing (care staff on site, usually has a restaurant etc).

But if your dad is taking the piss I'd let social services etc sort him out.

I'm using the Samaritans' email help support service and have found it very useful. They have replied to both my emails I've sent so far within 24 hours. Best of luck and a handhold to you x

Thank you for your replies.

I have been in touch with samaritans by phone and email and it was very helpful.

It seems unlikely that my dad will get a place in residential care partly because it does seem to be a last resort option because of the shortage of places. It looks like he will get lots of home visits instead. I know that won't work and will involve a lot of input from me.

My dad left when I was a teen and we have had little contact since. He has no supported me emotionally or financially. Making home care visits work will involve me because he will inevitably wander off in the night, spend all his money etc and somebody still has to care for his house and garden. It takes 6 hours and costs £120 to get from my home to his and I have children and a job. I don't know what to do.

I know that won't work and will involve a lot of input from me.

What will not work about it?

Have you discussed your predicament with your employer? Have you discussed whether your father can fund your transport costs?

If he wanders off in the night the police can be called. In terms of finances would he sign control over to you so you think? Does he have capacity in regards finances do you think?

Tell them you aren't prepared to do it and they need to come up with an alternative.

I sound mean but I really don't think this is your job. Has he a history of wandering off in the mddle of the night (and getting to danger) ?

The thing is - if he does that makes him
Priority in terms of care and he will then be entitled to a place in residential care. They won't offer it while you're there to support.

Honestly, I don't think he deserves you. Your own family do. Look after you (it seems he never did)

Hi CDA lady I hope you've had some sleep.

Caring for an elderly parent is difficult enough for those who feel that they wish to 'repay' some of the support that their parents or partner gave them. Usually I'd speak to carers and I'd often hear, "well mum/dad/whoever has been there for me, and looked after my kids too for 70 odd years, now it's their time." (and often then, despite best intentions, it was too difficult as looking after an adult is different from a child). It doesn't sound like you could say that. Relationships are 2 way streets, and it sounds like you have been doing all the giving.

Is your dad going for a walk during the night because he is confused? Or because he is choosing to? Is he spending his money because of confusion, or bad choices?

If he is going out due to confusion there are sensor devices that can be used that can remind him not to go out at night, and/or there can be door sensors put in place that are linked up to a community alarm system. There are all sorts of electronic monitoring and safety devices that can be used to help people stay safe in their home, or to work out whether they are safe to stay in their home from monitoring data (sensors can be put in all rooms etc to collect data for a short time). Social services will have access to all this. There are lots of older people out there who have no family, and they get cared for by the state, usually pretty well.

With regards the money, if he is spending due to confusion there are things you can do, if you want to help him (not that you have to) so that he either can't access it or can only access small amounts. If you don't want to, social services can actually have control over his finances. But if he did ok in the memory tests it sounds more like he is making bad choices than cannot manage his money.

Have you read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward? I've nearly finished it. It might be helpful in your situation.

Don't feel you have to look after your dad because 'no-one else will'. The state will, for a start. And also, remember why 'no-one else will'. Do you feel other people are justified in their stance?

Thanks for all your replies.

My dad can't contribute towards my travel costs. He has absolutely no money. He spent it all.

I'm finding out tomorrow what ss will offer him

If he has no money how is he getting by financially?

Are you able to say to ss that you are withdrawing your support for him in your role as a carer? If you are not able to do this, that is your call, but it might be better for both you and for him if you do. It rather depends on what outcome you are looking for. The responsibility is unlikely to be taken off you without you actively not taking responsibility if you see what I mean.

Just to say you can text the Samaritans. I find they usually respond within an hour. PM me if you'd like the number (they're not really advertising it yet).