Iv fucked up and I think social services will take my kids away

[Fuckwhathaveidone]

I ran out of meds a few weeks back. Iv been feeling so much better and then the comedown of not having them made me feel like I didn't want to go through that again so I stayed off them and rode through it.
Iv not been ok though, Iv gotten worse again, I started taking them but they're not back in my system yet. Iv been snappy, hot, crying every day and losing my shit.
Today toddler DD wouldn't listen, wouldn't keep up and I just lost it and walked off.
She's a baby, anything could have happened
I walked a good 200feet off. It's like brain stopped working and I didn't realise how serious it was. Lots of people around so no doubt SS will be involved.
Iv packed a bag and left. I'm a shit mum and they deserve better

You are not a shit mum. You are a mum who is struggling, who needs help. Yes what you did was wrong but you are clearly not coping and need help. Social services may be involved and will be able to help you through it.

where is your kids now? Are they with an appropriate person? Are they safe? Are you safe? Does someone know where you are?

I'm sorry you are struggling through this, MN are here for you, talk to us, what will help. Have you got a support network to get help? Any friends to help you? Even if SS involved, they want to protect kids, not just remove them. What do you want at this time? What would help..

No. You're unwell and need support. You have restarted the meds. They will kick in. Any RL support until then?
You're not a shit mum.
They don't need better.
You DO need better support.

Your not a shit mam.

You fucked up with your meds, no judgement from me god knows it's easy done.

I've had SS involvement (albeit not MH reasons) and I found them very clued up on MH issues and none judgemental.

Are you under the MH team or have you a CPN?

Oh no OP don't be too hard on yourself. What happened afterwards, did you return to her? Where are you now and who has dc? It honestly doesnt sound too bad..no lasting harm.was done and yiu know now what you need to do to sort yourself out x

Yes I went back for her. It was so messed up because we were closer to the car, I had Ds who is 3 plus 2 dogs so in my foggy mind I thought right it will be quicker to chuck them in the car than run back dragging Ds who no doubt wouldn't have run and resisted.
It must have looked like i was abducting her or something. A car pulled up behind us and another mum was staring.
I'm just waiting for a knock on the door.
They're with my mum now although should be husband, I think he'll be back from work. I'm in a B and B.
We're all safe. She didn't move an inch was just still there playing, don't think she'd even noticed I'd gone to be honest although I'd been bellowing at her to come on.

I heard a stressed mum at the park tell her little boy "i wish you'd hurry up and grow up" and it shocked me. But that's what I must sounds like. I'm just a horrible bitch

OP you are not a shit mum, how long are they staying with your mum for?

how really awful for you, I am so sorry you are in this state. You poor thing

You are unwell, and need help. You are not a bad mum. You just need to get yourself sorted out.

Your children won't be taken away.
That is the utter last SS resort and not something they want to ever do as it is so bad for the children firstly.

But they will put you on their radar which is no bad thing as you need more support to help you. Good luck OP

You didn't really abandon her, as you say in your foggy mind it made sense to reach the car quickly then run back for her. How do you think you will have been reported? Car reg? Take it easy tonight, be kind to yourself, your dc need you. Do you have a partner?

You are not a horrible bitch. That's daft! You were dealing with a stressful moment and you're struggling to cope whilst the meds level out. That does NOT make you a bad person.
Realising you needed to go back on them makes you a strong one.
Wanting to be a better parent actually makes you a good one. Shit parents don't care.

Just over a year ago DD was admitted to hospital because she had a suspected fracture on her skull.
I noticed a lump on her head while stroking her head and took her to the doctor. She said it was just swelling from where she'd fallen off the bed and would go down. A week later it hadn't so dh took her back but because he wasn't there when she rolled off the bed he couldn't remember what happened but said he thought she'd fallen out of her swing.
Anyway they flagged us up (I think my pnd was also a big factor) and sat in a cafe with kids enjoying our day and I get an out of the blue call from a social worker asking questions! A few hours later she calls back and demands I bring her to a & e now. She was awful, wouldn't listen to me when I said i was alone with all 3 dc and didn't want to drag a then 2 and 5 year old to a & e since I didn't even know how long we'd be there. She then drops in we'd definitely be admitted. So if I hadn't said that she wouldn't have told me. I had no spare clothes, nothing.
I told her no I was taking the kids home first then I'd drive over with DD but she was not happy. The whole thing was th worst experience of my entire life. They questioned me 4 times over, DD had a full body X-ray which she had to be starved for and sedated. We had to sit on the "observation bed" and we were down as a possible NAI (non accidental injury)
It was the worst experience of my entire life. I have never had any involvement with SS before that and honestly if someone had told me my story had happened to them I'd have thought there was more to it:
it's tainted my view of social workers completely and I can't believe how heavy handed and nasty they were, there was no compassion, they basically had already decided I was guilty.
Anyway after scans, hospital assessments and them coming to the house to measure the bed and question my other kids they decided I was telling the truth and the case was closed.
But because of all that I now don't think they just want to help.
I'm such an idiot. I can't believe after all that I let this happen. That time genuinely was an accident and it was bad enough, this time I'm totally to blame

You are safe, your kids are safe. No one will report this to SS and if they do then the kids will not be taken from you. Be kind to yourself. What would you say to your best mate if she told you this story?
The fact that you are so upset is because of the physical changes going on in your body from coming off the drugs and restarting them. Its not you, its they physical changes in your body.
You aren't a horrible bitch, you are going through normal emotions for what your body is going through. You clearly love your children - if you didn't you wouldn't be so upset. I promise that you will feel better than you do now soon. Take it day by day.
When you feel better and able to cope you will understand and forgive yourself for this incident.
YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS.

Yeah car reg. can't think of any other reason that car would have stopped behind us unless it was to note it down

First it is unlikely anyone would have called social services most don't like to get involved and I am sure it didn't look as bad as you think.

Second if they did get involved taking children away is the very last resort the fact that you have support of mum and husband and are aware you need help with meds means they would definitely help or monitor situation nothing more.

You realise you need help and now you can take steps to get it. Every mum has moments they wish they did better. The fact that you are upset shows you care. be kind to yourself and get the support you need.

OMG I just read your update - no wonder when you are feeling low SS is your anxiety focus. They had a job to do and clearly didn't do it with my grace but you were shown to be innocent and this incident is not the same thing.

They aren't great darling. Say that as a mother who had a 17 yr old take an overdose and who experienced the unfounded judgement.

Do remember they closed your case and shit mums don't run back for dc who pitch them to the end of their rope. Neither do they worry about their ability like you are.

You need love and help and support. I'm glad it sounds like your mum is mothering you. You may need to go to the GP to ensure you have full clinical and social support.

My advice is make sure you always have an advocate and to be kind to yourself

My advice is make sure you always have an advocate and to be kind to yourself

I absolutely second this. You arent a terrible mother, I pronise. Terrible mothers don't give a shit about their kids, but your love for yours is evident in your post.

Look after yourself my lovely

I'm sorry you went through that too roses.
I had to go back to the hospital to see a poorly client 6 months later and it nearly gave me a panic attack just bringing back the memories.
I still get so angry when I think about it. It would have cost them NOTHING to be kind to be until I was proven guilty but being so nasty to someone who was innocent sticks with that person long after.

Thank you all for your kind words, I really don't deserve them

It does lovely. I reconcile it with the fact that they aren't too bright. I made a formal complaint and did get an apology - eventually. The chap from SS actually addressed me as "Roses". As in Jones or Smith . My dd was 17 so it would have been hard to take her away so I went for the jugular.

You aren't a shot mum or rubbish. Is there a haven you can get to for support tonight. I found Family Lives very supportive when I was gobsmacked at how the state/NHS could behave.

Where are you. If you are in SE I might not be far away x

Sorry posted before your update on SS. That's an awful experience no wonder you are worried.

I still believe nothing will happen this time but I can understand your concern more.

hope you are feeling better and more positive soon.

You're back on your meds, and it was just a momentary lapse in judgement which you recognise was not great - but equally it doesn't sound at all awful to me either.

Toddler wouldn't listen or come to you (normal)

Other DC a pain too (normal)

2 dogs so manhandling toddler tricky.

Toddler alone for a short while oblivious while you put dogs in car.

Not great, but not awful. Highly highly doubt on the basis of this that anyone would report you to SS unless there was more to it.

You need more support while your meds kick in. Can your DH or mum take any time to be with you and the DC whilst you get over the rough patch?

Of course you deserve kind words. MH issues are bloody awful and being a parent can be a challenge at the best of times. Hang on in there.