Thoughts of no longer being here (sensitive content - trigger warning)

[MiniMacaron]

Name-changed for this as I haven't told anyone in real life about this.

I feel really down, and have been feeling like this for a very long time.

I'm not sure if these feelings are genetic (if that's possible) or perhaps learned behaviour, as I think that these sorts of feelings also tend to run in my family. Many of us in my family seem to have a 'glass half-empty' outlook and all of us worry a lot in general as well, and will often mention how stressed we all feel.

I know that my DMum and DAunt often feel like this, as well as my DDad and a couple of other close relatives. For example, my Dad has been known to say things like 'oh I'll go and top myself' or 'I'll just sod off then and you won't ever see me again' (not directly to me). I think others in my family have also had these sorts of thoughts.

I'm so sorry for being so blunt here and for not beating about the bush - I just feel as if I need to get my thoughts out.

It's now got to the point where I see suicide as a viable way of just escaping life and ending everything. I've been feeling this way for a very long time (around four or five years at least, now). It's almost something that I can rationalise and normalise, and it has got to the point where I feel surprised if anyone else mentions in passing that they've never felt particularly depressed or down. (I do absolutely understand that people experience things like depression or anything like that differently, and also that people may not like to talk about whether they are, or have ever, experienced depression or similar feelings).

A long time ago now, a few acquaintances (as well as a very close friend of mine) all took their own lives within a few years. This was a huge shock, and perhaps I'm still getting used to it. Perhaps this is what has led me to think that suicide is a viable option.

Thanks everyone

I don't know how to help but I think I talking about it might help - give the Samaritans a buzz for a chat, they might be well placed to help. Please take care
www.samaritans.org

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this.

Have you anyone in RL you could speak to about the way you are feeling? Have you access to a doctor or counselling?

No matter how badly you are feeling, suicide or self harm is not the answer. Those thoughts may come and go but if they start to get too loud or too persuasive then please speak to someone who can help.

You're doing the right thing getting your thoughts out. Is there anyone IRL you can talk to? I know it's difficult. I have people in my life going through the same thing and the best thing you can do is find people you can talk to. Try to figure out why this though process has been normalised. Doctors and counsellors can help you figure out the genetic/learned behaviour side of things and help with a way to move forward. I know I don't have answers. I have spoken to a lot of people in your situation. I never feel like I have the right answer. The only answer I can give is keep talking and find people you can rely on and seek help.

What you are talking about is depression. A low, empty feeling. Depression. Please please please go to your doctor- today. Talk talk talk and allow them to prescribe you some antidepressants.

🌺🌻🌷 please go now. Talk to someone in RL about how you are feeling and let them help you.

Thank you so so much everyone I will give Samaritans a ring over the next few days, and will also ring Papyrus (have just seen that they have a helpline for under-35s).

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

In terms of talking about it with people in real life, I've briefly discussed it before with friends and family.

I'm worried that, with the family members who experience similar feelings, that this might be too much for them to hear and that it will hurt them too much. And with friends or family members who may not have experienced it, it may really shock and upset them rather than anything good coming out of it.

I've spoken about it a bit with counsellors before. Just the thought of explaining it all again to them, going into detail and really getting to the bottom of it all (which I think would really help me) feels so exhausting and horrible.

It feels so frustrating. On the one hand, I completely understand how talking through it would help me, but I really don't want to hurt family and friends, and have no idea who to approach for counselling or what kind of counselling to go for. I wonder if I could get NHS counselling that might help?

You need to see you GP as soon as possible MiniMacaron. Agree with others that the Samaritans can also help you, but definitely see your GP as well. I know you say you don't feel 'down' as such, but there is more than one way to be depressed and if you're having recurring thoughts of suicide and self-harm, that can also be OCD-related (some forms of OCD are more about intrusive/disturbing thoughts and ideas than repetitive habits).

I agree with the others speak to your GP. As for telling your friends/family please don't worry about their response. There is no perfect response. Just a couple of days ago I googled how to respond when someone tells you this. The most important thing is to share this with people you trust. You'll be surprised by how helpful and understanding people can be. There is less stigma about mental health nowadays. I know starting from scratch and explaining the whole history of you can sound daunting but it's also cathartic and liberating. It's like lifting a weight from your shoulders. You could see it as depositing your stress and worries walking out lighter. I know that's over simplified but it's just a different spin on it. Please contact you GP, reach out to your friends (it's what they're there for) and speak to a counsellor. Depression comes in many shapes and sizes, you are not alone.

Hi, I've felt like this too, I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but this will pass and you will feel better. If you are worried that you can't stay safe over the weekend go to A&E and they will help you stay safe and get you an assessment from the mental health team. In some areas you can call crisis team directly, the number should be available online or through your local hospital switchboard. If things are less immediate then get an urgent Drs appointment on Monday. There is help available, you don't have to feel this way.