To sometimes feel it would be easier to die so I didn't have to deal with the guilt trip

[downinthedumpz]

NC for this as I don't want it following my normal username and I know some MNers like the advanced search button.

As above really. Aibu to think like this?
I'm really struggling at the moment, ds2 is a total handful and DD is a toddler so has her own challenges. I struggle through every day but I feel like shit. Dh is understanding until I talk of leaving for a bit as in going away for a few nights or a week just to be alone. Then the guilt trips start. I'm so fucked off with it.
I'm at the end of my tether, I hate my life and today I want to run away. I started looking up flights for a week when my mums on AL to have the kids and then he starts saying about how I'm leaving him and making it obvious how fucking resentful he'd be if I go.
I feel like it would be easier to get into my car and have a fatal crash just so I didn't have to deal with the fucking guiltrip for wanting a break from the mother monotony of being a sahm

OP. I would recommend visiting your GP. You sound depressed and thoughts of self-harm are common when you are depressed.

Your DH does NOT sound very understanding. It is all well and good to be sympathetic, but what is he actually doing to help you with the work? It sounds like you desperately need a break. Could you rise above and ignore the guilt trips and tell him he just has to deal with it for a week while you get away? Could your mum maybe come to you and stay in your house with the kids while you go somewhere else?

Also, do not feel guilty for wanting a break! Your DH doesn't work 24/7 365 days a year does he? So why should you have to?

I agree, you're best to see your gp. If you're feeling like you might hurt yourself before you can get to see them you can go to a and e.

Is there anyone else you can ask for help? Are there any logistical reasons why you couldn't just go away for, say three days and come back?

What you are feeling has tipped over the edge of perfectly normal exhaustion and frustration with the role of a sahm and into mental health territory. Please see your gp.

It may be worth considering how you are sharing the parenting role alongside that (is dh supporting you by taking the kids when he gets in from work so you can leave the house along for an hour to get a walk/ take a nap etc) but this is a secondary issue as you may not be up to evaluating those aspects at this point.

Asking your mum to come and stay if dh's hours negate him actually parenting may be a good idea, as long as you are able to use the time to get support for your mh, and your mum doesn't see it as a holiday where she is expecting to be 'hosted'.

There is an element where disappearing for a holiday is unreasonable (in that for a mother with no mh issues, it could be seen as unequal if the dh didn't also get a week off to holiday with his friends) but I think your problems are more deep rooted than needing a holiday.

Please please do go and see your gp. And confide in both your mother and your partner that you are experiencing thoughts where a fatal crash is preferable to your life.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

It's not clear to me if you're depressed, or you have an unreasonable waste of space for a DH, or maybe a bit of both.

GP will be able to help with the former. Not so much with the latter.

You need a break, that is totally reasonable when you're parenting two small children. How much down time do you get in a normal week/weekend? Do you both work or are you full time with the kids? Does DH do his share of parenting when you're both home?

If your parents are prepared to take the kids for a week whyever not? It would be lovely for the kids, lovely for the grandparents and lovely for you. What's to feel guilty about there? DH is an adult, he can cope without you for a few days fgs. You're not even asking him to cope with the kids without you, though he should be able to do that and not make you feel guilty about it too.