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Mental health

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Original poster

My life is a shambles

48 replies

horacemorris · 07/08/2017 05:37

I can't remember a time when there was nothing to worry about. I feel light headed, sick and my mouth tastes horrible. My poor family having to be stuck with someone like me. I have made some poor choices in the past few years (not with malicious intent) and now they are coming back with a vengeance to serve me right for not being responsible. If only I could turn back time. I have let things slip and now there is no way out. I am such a fucking failure and waste of space. I don't think I have got the guts to kill myself, It would devastate my LO. I am pretty sure I am cursed, there is always something for me to worry about and the people around me get dragged in because of my incompetence. I cannot bring myself to sort and deal with things as that would land me in more shit but I know that is the right thing to do. I just can't do it. The things I am dealing with I am sure will be the death of me, my blood pressure must be sky high. Thanks to anyone who reads this, I just needed somewhere to vent.

OP posts:

mylaptopismylapdog · 07/08/2017 05:53

Sooty you feel like this.Talk to your GP, you sound depressed so counselling and / or antidepressants may help you see more clearly, if you don't feel ready for that ring the Samaritans and tell them how you feel, actually talking to someone who is sympathetic may help and that is exactly what they are there for.Try identifying one thing you could sort out and do that to start, it doesn't have to be the biggest but your aim is to chip away at things and gain some confidence. If you need advice on money etc citizen's advice might help you. My experience is that worry can freeze and turn not a vicious circle but one step out of a circle can be the start of a new path. All the best

Original poster

horacemorris · 07/08/2017 06:04

Thank you for taking the time to reply Mylaptop. I am scared of the person I have become, very good at lying and hiding things. I am also having some terrible thoughts on how to deal with certain issues. It has just seemed to spiral out of control. I can't talk about what is worrying me exactly as I would be flamed to hell on here and I already know what a bad person I am. I have already been down the ADs route and I didn't feel they were for me because I know as soon as I sort this shit out I wouldn't have these worries.

OP posts:

Tootsiepops · 07/08/2017 06:08

Nobody will flame you on the MH board - if they do, they are arseholes. If you want to talk through the things you need to deal with, I'm certain people will listen and help

Original poster

horacemorris · 07/08/2017 06:18

Thank you Tootsie. I really can't bring myself to talk about what has made me such an evil person. I can't believe the thoughts I have been having when trying to figure a way out of this mess . I look at my LO's beautiful, innocent face and I am digusted with myself for being the mother they really do not deserve. I can't believe my life has come to this. I know there is one more thing waiting in the wings to floor me and I know that will tip me over the edge. I would give anything for a normal, mundane life!

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 07/08/2017 06:26

Hi op! I have MH problems and have felt the utter despair that you are feeling, it's horrible.
Sorry in advance for the questions but it would make it a bit easier to understand the bigger picture-
Do you have a diagnosis of a MH condition?

Do you take any medication?

Have you saw your doctor recently?

I'm sure your problems are huge but are they beyond help? Surely not.
Is there anything you can do to change even the smallest thing? Baby steps all the way.

I believe that nobody is beyond help.
Keep talking to us

Timmytoo · 07/08/2017 06:27

Hi Horace

Firstly I will say that I've been in the same position as you and also felt cursed.

This is how I changed my life around, it may seem wierd or silly but my life is so much better now than it ever was:

You more than likely have an anxiety disorder, anxiety pills cause weight gain and side effects so I take Vitamin B Calm which has worked better for me than any of the anxiety pills I've been on. Find one that helps firstly so you can start dealing with life.

As hard as it is, the only way to kill the "curse" and I know it sounds stupid but believe me when I say this but i I really believe I too, was cursed is combatting it with positivity. It's very difficult in the beginning to feel positive about anything but start small, it truly does a hundred percent work. What got me to my positive thinking way of life was repeating "this too shall pass" it's a simple but powerful statement.

Write it a life plan as you might be like me and you are visual and need to see it in front of you to understand where you're going. In the life plan, list the goals that you'd like to achieve. Don't put time limits on them and don't over complicate it by writing too much just keep it simple and bullet pointed.

Write down your problems and possible solutions to sorting them out and try to work through one a day.

Makeover! This is invaluable. Buy new clothes from charity shops if finances are tough. Again if finances are tough find a beauty college as they do treatments for a fraction of the price and get you hair done, a facial and massage. Get your make up done at a make up sales desk and then buy the same products. It will be a new you. This has made a massive difference to me.

Join a gym and if you don't know what to do then do a class a day, gym is so beneficial as it increases endorphins and makes you feel good about yourself.

Cut down on drinking and caffeine as these make anxiety a million times worse.

Read lots of positive stories and achievements online and get angry and think if they can do it so can I. This anger will become a positive energy to change and to challenge your thought processes.

What's helped me as well is cutting out negative words in my speech i.e.: struggling, exhausting, poor etc. this has made a massive difference as because I can't stand these words now so they don't enter my head anymore.

Live life, sounds cheesy but really live it, find fun in everything you do and this will make things easier to do and get through. Find the magic again.

This way of life has completely changed my life and I'm achieving things now I honestly never thought would be possible.

BugPlaster · 07/08/2017 06:41

Hi Horace, just wanted to say don't be hard on yourself for choices you made that turned out not for the best. Coming here to talk is a strong step.

Zoflorabore · 07/08/2017 07:07

Excellent advice Timmy

Imbroglio · 07/08/2017 07:22

At the end of each day write down 3 things you've achieved or done well. This sounds silly and pointless but it really helped me to get through a messy split and depression.

Tonight you can start with

Reached out to people on mn.

On bad days we generally focus on the bad things. This technique helps you to review the day differently.

I'd also advocate going to see your GP, and maybe look again at ADs. They can help while you are sorting the other stuff out.

Imbroglio · 07/08/2017 07:29

I also wanted to say that you are most definitely not alone in feeling how you do. Many people on here can testify to going through similar.

Having terrible thoughts doesn't make you a terrible person.

Original poster

horacemorris · 07/08/2017 08:01

Thank you all for your kindness and words of wisdom. I know I need to grow a pair and start helping myself but I seem to be totally stuck. I am one of those people who bury their head in the sand, I am sure I wasn't always like this? The more shit that happens the more I ignore it, this must be my coping mechanism. I just feel like laughing when the next bad things happen. Will re read everyone's comments when I have a bit more time and try to use the advice I have been so kindly given.

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 07/08/2017 08:14

It sounds like you feel completely overwhelmed.

It's ok to not tackle it all at once. Take one small thing and do that. When you are feeling stronger write a list of six manageable things and tick them off when you've done them.

Also try to 'chunk' the scary bigger picture into smaller, manageable steps. Eg sort out a pile of paperwork into stuff that needs doing and stuff that can be binned or filed. Then tackle the bits that need a response one at a time.

Good luck!

BettyInc · 07/08/2017 13:47

love the advice from @timmytoo thank you.

Timmytoo · 07/08/2017 16:18

Pleasure Betty

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 07/08/2017 20:16

I copied and pasted Timmy's advice - thank you. for you, OP, I'm in a similar place.

Zoflorabore · 07/08/2017 21:19

Would you like to talk some more op? No one will judge you here, many of us have made mistakes, bad decisions, been in situations out of our control etc.

It may help you to begin the process by getting things off your chest.

If and when you want to talk, we are here

Original poster

horacemorris · 08/08/2017 05:43

I wish I could talk about it but I am so ashamed of myself. I am just praying that things turn out for the better. I will try and do some good deeds for a bit of atonement. I really don't know what else to do. So jealous when I see anyone having a normal life (although I realise you don't know what goes on behind closed doors). It has helped just to post on here and read posters suggestions. Thank you again everyone.

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 08/08/2017 07:44

It sounds like you are really hurting at the moment. Shame and guilt are terrible emotions. Talking about it could help but if you are not ready then you are not ready.

Focus on what is in front of you for now. Put some good stuff between you and those horrible feelings. How is your little one? What is the plan for today?

Original poster

horacemorris · 08/08/2017 08:45

Thank you for replying Imbroglio. Trying to stop myself wallowing today, had a couple of cups of chamomile tea and have done some housework. Will spend the day entertaining little one as the weather isn't the best! Still don't feel ready to sort stuff out, hoping that a bit more positive thinking will help things along.

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 08/08/2017 08:48

Housework? Well done! I've just about managed to put the recycling out and am now heading to work.

Have a lovely day with your child.

Original poster

horacemorris · 08/08/2017 10:12

Thank you Imbroglio. I also meant to say for you OnceMore, how are you today?

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 08/08/2017 10:37

Hi op, I have done many things I am ashamed of or not proud of, by acknowledging this I have been able to move forward with my life.
The past has gone now. This is now about your future and it would be a real shame for something to eat away at you and cause you so much misery, life is too short.

I completely understand you not wanting to talk about what's happened, is there anyone irl you can talk to in confidence?

I feel the pain from your posts, don't be too hard on yourself, you're only human x

Original poster

horacemorris · 08/08/2017 18:19

I have no one to talk to in rl, been pretending to my oh that I have a stomach bug over the weekend. I am so sick of the lies but one just seems to lead to another. I swear I am not a bad person but I must be or I wouldn't be in this situation. I am sorry for rambling, I just need to get some of this off my chest. I could curl up and die. I would give anything for a fresh slate to start over again.

OP posts:

Imbroglio · 08/08/2017 22:35

There is a lot of truth in the old adage "tomorrow is another day".

Imbroglio · 09/08/2017 07:21

How are you today horace?

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