My life is a shambles

[horacemorris]

I can't remember a time when there was nothing to worry about. I feel light headed, sick and my mouth tastes horrible. My poor family having to be stuck with someone like me. I have made some poor choices in the past few years (not with malicious intent) and now they are coming back with a vengeance to serve me right for not being responsible. If only I could turn back time. I have let things slip and now there is no way out. I am such a fucking failure and waste of space. I don't think I have got the guts to kill myself, It would devastate my LO. I am pretty sure I am cursed, there is always something for me to worry about and the people around me get dragged in because of my incompetence. I cannot bring myself to sort and deal with things as that would land me in more shit but I know that is the right thing to do. I just can't do it. The things I am dealing with I am sure will be the death of me, my blood pressure must be sky high. Thanks to anyone who reads this, I just needed somewhere to vent.

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Hi Imbroglio, very tearful to be honest. Will go and get some Kalms today if I can force myself to go out. Don't really want to go down the ADs route just yet. I feel like I am not really here and my heart is beating so loud. I suppose this is my punishment.

I am not religious in the slightest but I have been actually praying for help.

Thank you for asking Imbroglio

Op- it seems like it would unburden you a bit if you got some of it off your chest.
If you don't want to share here, what about your partner? He will surely have your back.

It's so sad that you feel so bad. I too am an ostrich! Bury my head in the sand and then I feel like there is no way out, there always is.

Imagine how you would feel if you could free yourself of at least one of your problems, small small steps all the way.
Like I said previously. Nobody, absolutely nobody is beyond help.

Thinking of you

I'm not religious either but in my dark times I have found sitting in a church very helpful. Something about knowing how many other people have sat there reflecting on their troubles, maybe with no one else to talk to.

I really can't talk to anyone. I feel like I am living in a total nightmare of which there is no waking up. This is horrendous, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

How are you this morning, Horace?

Still here, still feeling the same. Dread waking up in the morning to the same old thing. Going to bed at 9pm is the only thing I look forward to as I know I can get a bit of peace for a few hours. Roll on 4am and the heart thumping starts again! I don't want any sympathy as it is of my own doing, just find it helps to write it down somewhere. for everyone else in the same boat.

Been going over my worries in my head for the past 4 or so hours, got to stop doing this to myself. I can't stop myself thinking about what's going to happen. My oh is taking the LO out for the day so I am going to ring the Samaritans. Watching tv and so jealous of the happy families on all the adverts, I have let down my child so badly this holiday. I haven't been able to get myself out to do anything. Luckily there are some neighbourhood kids that all play outside together so my LO has been happy doing that. So disappointed in myself. Sorry to keep waffling on with the self pity.

What do you mean by I can't stop myself thinking about what's going to happen? Can you identify what this is?

I wanted to say that of course you are deserving of compassion.Things are obviously really difficult for you at the moment.

From your posts it's obvious you really care about your child, which tells me that you are most definitely not a bad person.

Hi Imbroglio, I meant that I have some issues I need to deal with but the only way I can see to deal with it will land me in trouble, I don't really want to elaborate anymore sorry . I have called the Samaritans but it didn't really help much, just someone to have a really good cry to. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply.
Yes, I adore my child but feel I haven't given them my best over the years as I have been constantly stressed. I long for a time in the future when this isn't the way. These are things that could and should have been sorted out a few years back but I kept thinking "It will be ok" and not doing anything about it. So it is my fault I am feeling like this, If I had been a responsible adult in the first place my life would be so different.

Please don't feel pressured to say anything more than you feel comfortable saying.

Nothing wrong with a good cry.

Op- tell us as much or as little as you want- we will not judge you

Thinking of you Horace

Hope you are ok Horace. I can totally get where you are coming from as I feel exactly the same way. Am in a massive mess I can't get out of without bringing more trouble on myself. Just wanted to say you are not alone and you are not evil, just abit mixed up xx

I know exactly what you're going through 😞. Every day is just a battle to survive and not feel like a failure. I'm going through a break down at the moment with two children under 5. I am at absolute breaking point, but as they say when you hit rock bottom the only way is up 🤞

Just keep on doing what you have to do and you will come out of it shining xx

I would definitely speak to your GP though. They can provide you with the help that you need xx

Thank you Imbroglio . for Aduck and Natalie, I am sorry there are others that feel the same way I do, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I find the hours justbefore sunrise the worse, lie in bed with all these awful thoughts going round my head then when the Sun comes up I know it is just another shitty day to get through. Not going to go to gp, it's my own fault I feel like this so I will just have to suck it up!

Sounds to me like the 'punishment' doesn't fit the 'crime' though. You don't deserve to feel like this. Everybody does things they're not proud of, but it's actually not your fault you feel like this, no matter what you've done.

You might need to get help to put things right, depending what it is you've done - debt advice if it's financial, therapy/counselling if you've cheated, a 12step meeting if it's addiction-related etc.

But you really don't deserve depression. It's too awful. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, not even the people who have done some very bad things to me.

Even if you think it's your fault, could your GP help? Mine was amazing when I was depressed, and not at all judgmental. She really wanted to help me - and she did.

Top post, Cards.

Depression magnifies negative feelings and crushes motivation.

A GP won't need to know the exact details of why you are feeling depressed to hep you.

Aww don't feel like it's your fault. I felt that it was all my fault for years, bug when I spoke to other people, I realised that I had a mental health problem and I felt so much better when I faced it. I'm still going through it, but feel better knowing that I can get help xx

The thing is, I know my mental health is due to my own doing. No gp can help with this